Why Do People Get Jealous?
Thanks for coming back to my blog. I’m really pleased with the direction we are going and with the questions you are asking me. After all, the more you understand yourself and the opposite sex, the better chance you have of discovering and keeping a great relationship. Why do some males and females have such a difficult time communicating with and relating to each other? I hear that question over and over. These are the kinds of questions I am exploring throughout this series of blogs where I’m answering your top 50 questions about the opposite sex. I love hearing what’s on your mind and giving you a chance to get some answers to issues that have been bothering you—perhaps for quite some time! Here are your questions for this week…
Question #9) Stephen asked: "Why does my girlfriend get so jealous when I talk to other girls?" and Kayla asked: "Why does my boyfriend get jealous when I’m just talking to other guys?"
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Most times, jealousy is an emotional reaction based on selfishness, fear, and insecurity. | DAWSON: Jealousy is the kind of emotional disease that strikes both sexes. Even though it’s a horribly negative behavior, it is unfortunately, very common. Most times, jealousy is an emotional reaction based on selfishness, fear, and insecurity. A jealous person imagines their bf/gf could leave at any time, and the thought of that scares them to death and can leave them almost emotionally irrational. Additionally, jealously can reveal a lack of trust someone has in you and your relationship with him or her. Sometimes they’re just making it all up in their head. But at other times, you might be overstepping your boundaries of what’s appropriate with someone of the opposite sex who you’re not dating. Either way, jealousy is toxic poison to a relationship. A relationship infected with jealousy will soon sour and self-destruct. Remember, it’s your choice to feel jealous.
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A jealous relationship must be worked through or it will create chaos. | On the other hand, you can do your part to not give your bf/gf reasons to feel jealous. If someone else is flirting with you, you can still be polite, but you don’t have to flirt back. You don’t have to make special efforts to impress other people of the opposite sex. But if your bf/gf does react jealously to something you do, decide to address it soon after it happens. It’s always good to seek clarity when something comes up that’s a threat to your relationship. And most importantly, make sure your bf/gf knows how much they mean to you. Give them reason to trust you when you’re alone. Then when you’re around other people, they won’t need to worry if they can trust you or not. Just remember, a jealous relationship must be worked through or it will create chaos in the relationship with your bf/gf.
Question #10) Chelsea asked: "How can you tell if a guy is really falling in love with me, or if he is just using me? After my last relationship, I've had serious trust issues and I can't seem to tell if my boyfriend of two months is actually falling for me, or if he is just telling me what I want to hear."
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Loving relationships are not destructive, manipulative, or selfish, and can lead to a true and lasting commitment. | DAWSON: I can imagine many people wonder this same thing: How do I know this other person is actually in love with me, or if they’re just playing with my emotions to get what they want? I cannot tell you whether or not your new boyfriend is falling in love with you or not (by the way, people don’t fall in love, they fall in ditches). People find the right chemistry between each other and then grow into a committed love relationship. But I can tell you whether you have a loving relationship. Loving relationships are not destructive, manipulative, or selfish, and can lead to a true and lasting commitment.
Here are some questions worth asking about your new boyfriend:
- Do you feel like your emotions are being played with?
- Does he say one thing and do another?
- Does he say he loves you, and then doesn’t act like it? (Many people will rush into saying “I love you” before they even know who the other person is. People do this because they want to hear they are loved themselves.)
- Does he want to spend meaningful time with you?
- Does he treat you with respect?
- Does he speak well of you to other people?
- Does he give you freedom or try to control you?
- Does he respect and want to protect your body? (A heavy sexual relationship seldom lasts. It cannot bear the pressure of intimacy without love and commitment.)
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The minute you add sex into a relationship, you make it very difficult to know how the other person feels about you. | One way to find out exactly what he’s thinking is to not only listen to what he says, but watch what he does. I’d also recommend, and I’m guessing this is the case in your relationship, is to try to go for a period of time without any sexual contact with him and see how he treats you. The minute you add sex (or even kissing) into a relationship, you make it very difficult to know how the other person feels about you. Trust me, if he really does love you, you wouldn’t have any question about it.
We’re going to continue taking your great questions. Guys: I need to hear from you too! Let me know something that you’ve always wanted to know about the opposite sex and I’ll do my best to give you an answer. Thanks for being a very important part of this blog.
Thursday, Feb 26, 2009 - 10:52:10 AM
hey why are girls always p***ed when guys talk to other girls. i know it is jealousy but dang why they get so mad!!!!!
- richard
Wednesday, Feb 25, 2009 - 7:20:47 PM
Hey, Dawson, with IMMENSE respect I gotta disagree a bit. I'm thinking that jealousy IS based on fear, but not insecurity, insecurity is only a part of it if you have the girl in the first place, jealousy mainly is the fear of losing the one we love, and the anger and perseverance that follows.
- Charlie
Wednesday, Feb 25, 2009 - 4:59:33 PM
I totally agree about how jealousy can destroy a relationship. I have been married for 5 1/2 yrs. and just started going back to college. Of course I have classmates of both sexes I keep in contact with both for school and social purposes. He constantly accusses me of cheating and has gotten to the point where I've told him if he doesn't cut it out and grow up, he can pack his bags and sign the divorce papers! No woman wants to live with that! So hopefully he gets the message!
- Cally
Wednesday, Feb 25, 2009 - 9:24:27 AM
why do girls always flirt and hang around other guys and get mad when u get jealous and then when u flirt or hang around other girls they ge mad at you and freak out if you get mad when they get jealous?
- Adam
Wednesday, Feb 25, 2009 - 1:28:46 AM
how do u know if ure ex still likes u. i think my ex sill like me but i am not sure how can i tell.
- richard
Wednesday, Feb 25, 2009 - 1:01:12 AM
I have a boyfriend and there is this girl that is always tryin to break us up. What should I do??
- Amber S.
Wednesday, Feb 25, 2009 - 12:00:27 AM
how come every time i see a member of the opposite sex no matter if he's ugly or cute i get all nervous and my hands start getting warm
- emily
Tuesday, Feb 24, 2009 - 3:55:19 PM
dear mr.mcallister,hi.I love your show and website!!!you have no idea how many people you help just by talking to one person. It is so very cool!=) well you see i have a friend who set me up with a boy named Josh.I really didn't like him at first, but now we spend every minute with each other that we can. And even his brother and i are friends. You see, his brother and my 2 brothers and 1sister play recreation basketball.We only saw each other at the games (10 total).Over the bball game period, we sat by each other and talked. But he lives in bath and i live 30 minutes away. How can we still stay in contact with each other?(neither of us have cellphones)(and our parents still don't now about us)?SHould we just give up? Or should we tell each other how we feel and work it out with our parents?This bugs me everyday, like an itch I can't scratch.Please help me in whatever way you can-i'm desperate.Thanx Mr. McAllister. God bless you!!
- fatima
Monday, Feb 23, 2009 - 10:39:18 PM
Why do guys act like they like you every time you turn around they are saying something to make you jealous and flirting. Then they say they dont like you when their buds ask what is going on ?
- Morgan M.
Monday, Feb 23, 2009 - 10:00:09 PM
yeah, i know it's hard to trust a guy when you been hurt!That's happens to me alot.
- Karli
Monday, Feb 23, 2009 - 6:24:07 PM
Hey Dawson, I've always had horrible relationships. In most of my past relationships I've gotten cheated on. I really want to be in a relationship right now, but I'm scared I'll get hurt once again. And I always go after the guys that will hurt me, for some reason I'm not attracted to the good guys. I just don't know what to do, I'm tired of being scared of getting hurt again.
- Aliya
Monday, Feb 23, 2009 - 2:38:39 PM
I think people who get jealous when their bf/gf talk to other ppl are immature. If they just talk and dont do anything, then it's ok. If my bf got mad at me for talking to other guys then it would tick me off! I would do it anyways because i have a right to talk to who i want
- Rebecca
Monday, Feb 23, 2009 - 12:12:42 PM
This message is for Andrea.
There's really not much you can do, its always a risk with any guy, & with any guy's ex girlfriends. Especially in a small town. Let's face it, no one wants to be alone, & I'm not saying rush it, but if its what you want to do then do it. I always say 'I do what I want' I think that's a strong thing to live by.
- megan
Monday, Feb 23, 2009 - 2:55:10 AM
the question#10 really help me so much thank you so much
- aleasia
Monday, Feb 23, 2009 - 1:44:32 AM
Hello Dawson, I wanted to stop by and ask a question before I got married I was in a 11 month relationship with a guy named Tim and I did not get to go alot of places with Him. I am a Christian and Love God with all my heart but after I found out He cheated on me I called to ask Him are you cheating on me and he told me he was. Then I found out the girl was there ;( I got a question what can I do about this feeling of pain and sadness in side. My Husband is not liek that He is loving and I thank God for Him. Thanks so much for all you do to make this world a better place.
- Alexandra
Monday, Feb 23, 2009 - 1:19:31 AM
me and my fiance have been together for almost a year. he cheated on me six times in the first six months of our relationship, but i stayed with him because i believed he would change. we moved in together and lived there for about five months, but we just recently moved back into our previous seperate houses. now he wants to start hanging out with the people that he has cheated on me with in the past. he hasnt done anything to ruine our relationship in the last six months, but im still afraid that he will be tempted to now, since every time he has sex with another girls he was wasted, and he wants to drink around them again. i just wanted to know how i could make him understand that seeing these people is not ok.
- Rachael
Monday, Feb 23, 2009 - 12:58:33 AM
i have never had a boyfriend and i dont know what to look for in a guy or anything about relstionships but i can help my friends with theirs.
i want a boyfriend and to be in a relationship because im lonley but im afraid that if i do get into one i will fall to quickly and end up in a bad situation.
but the thing is i live in a small town where everyone knows everyone and had basically dated everyone and i dont want the guys last girlfriend hate me and explode in my face.
what should i do? thanks
- Andrea
Sunday, Feb 22, 2009 - 11:31:25 PM
recently i have gotten out of a nine month realatshionship. it really sucks because it was my first serious realatshionship and i fell in love with him. he would tell me that he would love me too .. he would text his ex girlfriend and he would be like we are just friends dont get mad so i would blow it off. i didnt know that he was going to go back to her. he left me to go back to his ex girlfriend and told me that they werent over and then he tried telling me wait though i will be back me and you arent over. now he is in a realatshionship with her and he basically used me..
i fell in love with someone who loves somebody else.
i just dont know what to do. any advice? thanks- lauren
- lauren
Sunday, Feb 22, 2009 - 10:49:51 PM
Me and my g/f just broke up mostly because of my jealousy/nosiness. i want to make things better in my next relationship so that my relationship wont end because of my jealousy. Do you know how i could help this or anyhting?
- zach
Sunday, Feb 22, 2009 - 10:33:50 PM
What if you go out with a guy and you know ygat he is using you only to have sex and then he flirts with other girls right in front of you? Should you beak up with them? But what if you really like that person?
- Amber
Sunday, Feb 22, 2009 - 9:35:15 PM
Mr. McAllister,
What all would you know about creepiness? I worry sometimes that I'm obsessing too much about this one young lady and that it might creep her out if she finds out. Would you be kind enough to do a blog on what amount of thinking about a girl is appropriate?
Thanks,
Tyler
- Tyler
Sunday, Feb 22, 2009 - 9:26:41 PM
this blog actually helped me somewhat of what i am dealing with at the moment with my boyfriend. this has answered a little of my questions.
Thanks for caring about others.
- Tiffany
Sunday, Feb 22, 2009 - 3:01:10 PM
I am jealous because in my 1st serious relationship, my husband cheated on me.
- Ericka
Sunday, Feb 22, 2009 - 2:50:36 AM
Dawson! Thank you for everything you have done for not only me..But for my friends, Family, and others.. You made such and infulence on my life and i love you and what you do! so thanks again!
- Anne
Sunday, Feb 22, 2009 - 2:12:20 AM
Hey Dawson, I just got into a relationship. im almost 15 and she's 16. i am very profound and outgoing Christian, always letting people know what i believe in. One girl at my school has REALLY liked me for almost 4 years. I personally think that this is kind of ridiculous. The new girl im going out with is amazing, and i haven't been so happy in a really long time. the girl that has liked me or a while is jealous. i have a party at my place, she knew that my girlfriend was going to me there, and she still came. She saw us kiss and said later that night that she wanted to die. That was my first kiss ever and i loved every second of it. I know that she is obviously jealous and i don't know what to do to help stop it and make her feel better. I love women and respect them almost more than anything else on this planet. Women are God's gift to Man and we need to be appreciative of that. I hate hurting them but im just so happy and don't want to let my girlfriend go anytime soon.
- Cole
Sunday, Feb 22, 2009 - 1:41:06 AM
Thank you so much for these 'understanding/50 questions' blogs... they are most insightful! Also very helpful; my question is this: will there be a "Finding Out How HE Feels About You" sometime???
- Anne
Sunday, Feb 22, 2009 - 1:02:34 AM
the number 9 question really helped me...thanks!
- James W.
Saturday, Feb 21, 2009 - 11:38:40 PM
Hey Dawson,
I am a Christian, and very accepting of everyone. I can usually call out a manipulator the first time I talk to them, and I call them out directly...but I still try to be friends with that in mind.
I only ever date Christian guys, and in each experience of a relationship I have had when I first meet the guy and hang out with him for a bit he really does act like a good respectful Christian gentleman, even goes to the lengths of doing devotions with me and such. But once we establish a relationship beyond just friendship each and every time it has turned out that the guy was a manipulative liar who just wanted something from me. I'm beginning to think I will never be able to trust guys because of this. How can I trust guys when the ones who profess Christ turn out to be such hypocrites??
- Elle
Saturday, Feb 21, 2009 - 8:56:25 PM
hey,Dawson. What's up? I was wanting to thank you for giving so many people hope! Not only that I was wanting to say thanks for saving my best friends life! He is doing great now because of you, he has the girl of his life right now and is going to prepose to her!!!! THANK YOU FOR GIVING HIM HIS LIFE BACK!! Love you and what you do!!
- mercedes
Saturday, Feb 21, 2009 - 5:30:07 PM
I've really never thought about it this way. So I can say from this blog im in the best relationship right now. Anyways... love your raido show and read all your blogs! You really help me lots and because of you I think im a better person. :) have a very nice day Dawson! Your always in my prayers!
- Crystal
Saturday, Feb 21, 2009 - 1:16:27 AM
How do you know if your best friend likes you as more than a friend? I like my best friend and he knows how I feel, and I feel like he likes me back. How can I tell for sure?
- Emily
Friday, Feb 20, 2009 - 11:02:56 PM
Mr.Dawson great blog my next relationship my young lady will different and better than any other before.
- Deacon-B
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