I'm Just Not That Into You

Thank you for sending me the most burning questions you have about the opposite sex. I’ve enjoyed spending the past several weeks answering them.

There was a movie out recently about relationships (based on a popular book) called “He’s Just Not That Into You.” I didn’t see it, but the bottom line of the story is that men are not complicated and they don’t ever send mixed messages. If he doesn't ask you out, call you soon after a date, or want to spend more time with you after a date, then he's just not that into you.

Tell her you’re flattered and you appreciate her kindness toward you.


Even though they are simple words, they are still harsh for a woman to hear. But the good part is the words can also be very freeing. She is then free to move on to another guy, and not waste her time with someone who’s not into her. Is there a better way for a guy to handle this situation?

The first question I’d like to address comes from a guy who asked to remain anonymous, and it completely relates to this recent movie.

But don’t tell her you want to be friends with her if you really don’t.

QUESTION #15) He asked, “How does a guy politely say he is not attracted to a girl? She may be nice, well grounded spiritually, and a great future wife, but when there is no physical attraction, how should that be communicated to the girl?”

DAWSON: Most guys will just brush the girl off, and ignore her, neglecting any kind of future contact with her. This is a pretty sad treatment of women, I admit. So I applaud you, Anonymous, for your willingness to buck the system and treat women with respect and admiration. So how do you do it?

Here are a few pointers:

  1. Keep it simple. Don’t make a big deal about it—you’ll only make her feel uncomfortable.
  2. Sometimes the best way is to be as honest as possible. But instead of just dropping the bomb on her, you can tell her you’re flattered and you appreciate her kindness toward you. And then just say you’re not as attracted to her as you’d like to be toward someone you’d like to date.
  3. If you want to be friends with her and nothing more intimate, tell her. But don’t tell her you want to be friends with her if you really don’t. Don’t lead her on.
  4. If the girl hasn’t come right out and asked you if you’re attracted to her, there might not be any reason to confront the situation. Just be yourself and be kind to her, like you would be to anyone else.

Guys hate to make themselves vulnerable to a girl, and then get shot down.

Always remember to address a situation like this apart from other people. Don’t make a scene and embarrass the other person. Treat her like you’d like to be treated yourself. The fact you are concerned about addressing this in a polite and respectful way means you’re already off to great start.

QUESTION #16) Chrissie asked: Why do guys act weird around you when they like you?

DAWSON: It is true most guys act “weird,” or get nervous, around girls they like. Charlie agreed: “Stammering and making jokes are common. Trust me, there are few guys who really have deep feelings for a girl that can approach the situation totally calm.” But why do they do this?

It’s easier to know what the girl is thinking when he sees how she responds to his flirting.

Guys hate rejection. They hate to make themselves vulnerable to a girl, and then get shot down. This nervousness, or “acting weird” comes from this place of not knowing exactly how to balance their fear and their excitement, so the guy gets a bit wobbly and tongue-tied.

This is the reason guys will flirt with girls. They will drop hints here and there to see how the girl will react. This way, it’s easier to know what the girl is thinking when he sees how she responds to his flirting.

A few weeks ago, I wrote a blog about “Finding Out How She Feels About You” – and several women have written asking if there will be a “Finding Out How He Feels About You” blog. Well, there already was and it goes well to further answer this question. Check out Question #10 HERE. I hope that helps.

Please, take a second right now and let me know what makes you scratch your head when you think about the opposite sex. Send me your most puzzling questions and I’ll make an honest attempt at answering them. I appreciate hearing what’s going on in your mind.

Friday, Mar 20, 2009 - 12:30:48 AM
ur talk show has helped me a lot.thanx
- Sara

Thursday, Mar 19, 2009 - 11:47:01 PM
hi! i love ur talk show.I have a question that i hope u can answer. i want to wait till my wedding night to give myself away. i also want to save my first kiss untill then. i am 16(almost 17)and am worried that this is to extreme.I have grown up in a christian home and this believe is sort of drilled in,though i have been tempted to kiss before.though ii would like to kiss i would rather die then break the vow of my purity ring.is this weird?
- Olivia

Thursday, Mar 19, 2009 - 11:32:02 PM
Keri, I might have an answer. Being a guy, I have an idea. The guys where you are might be more interested in other things. Things that happen behind closed doors if you know what I mean. If there is a guy there that is nice however, consider that he might be scared to mess things up talking to you, and is nervous about approaching you. Don''t focus on going out with a guy in the beginning. First worry about making friends, then, when the time is right, make the next step.
- Charlie

Thursday, Mar 19, 2009 - 11:31:44 PM
they are different ,what they are thinking.some of them are dirty.
- bola temba

Thursday, Mar 19, 2009 - 10:58:29 PM
Why do guys have a hard time letting go of the past- like previous problems that happened in there current relationship?
- April

Thursday, Mar 19, 2009 - 10:58:01 PM
There is this guy I sort of like and I've known him for about 3 years and he says he likes me but then hes always talking about all these other girls? I'm confused? Does he like me? Or does he just like the confidence?
- Cally

Thursday, Mar 19, 2009 - 3:36:03 PM
Why do act different around you when it's just the two of you but does a whole 180 when we're areound his friends?
- KayCee

Thursday, Mar 19, 2009 - 3:35:51 PM
i'm 12 and i luvv your radio station! iv'e gotten lots of advice from hearing you and i am very thankful that you do this and ur just AWEsoME haha well byee:]
- supa jayy:]

Thursday, Mar 19, 2009 - 1:37:15 AM
Why are girls such backstabbers? One of my really good friends is going out with my best friend... AGAIN. She knows I'm falling in love with him, and she went behind my back and starting going out with him again. I don't hate her, I hate what she's doing to me. What possessed her to do this to me?
- Emily

Thursday, Mar 19, 2009 - 1:35:55 AM
Hi Dawson. I was thinking. Even though im only about 14, I am very confused on what i should do right now with my sorta relationship. So there is this girl i truly love and ive known her for about 2 years now. She did love me too until she saw there were somethings she didnt like about me so we sorta parted ways. Then when i dated another girl, she got really sad because she saw what she had left behind. So she finally told me that she truly did unconditionally fall in lvoe with me again. So i guess i told the girl i was dating at that time that i should part ways with her and that i as doing this because that other girl i loved helped me in my greatest times of need. And then a few days later, she tells me that she just wants to be friends with me. Now im really confused in what i should do. Should i continue to be just friends or should i just try to make the relationship grow again?
- Anthony T.

Tuesday, Mar 17, 2009 - 7:47:08 PM
Hey dawson. You have helped me so much in the past. You always help and you just lift up my life. I dont know if i would still be here if i didnt have someone like you to talk to Thank you so much
- James B.

Tuesday, Mar 17, 2009 - 2:16:40 PM
Im only 12 but Ive gotten a lot of tips from your blog..and I think Its great that you would spend your OWN time when you could be doing something more fun...God Bless...!.!
- Logan

Tuesday, Mar 17, 2009 - 1:43:28 PM
Why can't I get a guy to ask me out? I am level headed, independant, somewhat attractive,and I have a good sense of humor. I'm not trying to gloat, but are these not qualities that guys look for? I always feel like the 3rd wheel when I go out with friends because of lack of interest in the opposite sex. What am I doing wrong?
- Keri

Monday, Mar 16, 2009 - 10:20:25 PM
I have heard you station once and it's really good! I was wondering how do you turn down a guy? I mean I have this guy he asked me out and I don't like him and I have to still say no but I really don't know how to say no. I also have this guy friend and he is in "love" with me since I've known him but I don't feel the same way, he is a jerk to me when we are near each other. My friends say it's his way of showing he likes me but I don't see it as that. So how can I be nice to the guy but not rude? I don't want to hurt any of them but still don't like them.
- Moo Moo

Monday, Mar 16, 2009 - 4:44:00 PM
i need u r help about my family.i listen to u r show every sunday
- tereza

Monday, Mar 16, 2009 - 10:07:58 AM
what are some signs a guy is playing hard to get?
- Sarah

Monday, Mar 16, 2009 - 3:58:26 AM
I met this guy at my work about a month ago. He tends to be really quiet. I gave him my number maybe two weeks ago and we text all the time. We have a lot in common and he claims to like me. But maybe three days after we started texting he started asking me to send him scandalous pictures. Then last night we were sitting in his cars and we started making out, and things went farther than intended. We ended up having sex. He text me first today, which has never happened so far, and asked me how i'm doing. The question I have is if he's really into me or if he is just saying he is so i will have sex with him?
- Justine

Monday, Mar 16, 2009 - 3:21:10 AM
What do you do when you have been clean for nine months and you are smart and in alot of honors classes and are now accredited in the community and you like a girl in one of your classes and she is nice and smart and you ask her out but she says " I love you but I have fallen in love with being single " should I try to coax her out of it or do I try to forget and just be her friend
- Trevor

Monday, Mar 16, 2009 - 1:51:11 AM
I like this blog but I was just wondering what actions besides making jokes is common for guys to do when they like you I always try to figure this out but I always read the signs wrong or something so I'd like to know how to tell
-

Monday, Mar 16, 2009 - 1:13:19 AM
Well The Thing I Don't Get About Guys Is Why They Just Don't Come Out And Tell You They Like You Or Want To Date They Make You Guess.
- Sierra

Monday, Mar 16, 2009 - 12:54:49 AM
... What if you met in another state and you met over the internet? Today was the first day I called her. She told me to text her to see weather she should call me on my cell or home phone... Is it a good Idea? - Andrew
- Andrew

Sunday, Mar 15, 2009 - 10:55:02 PM
Dawson, I have a question. Okay, i like this guy and for a while whenever i saw him i would stare at him and he saw me. After that, he started liking me, but now it seems like one day he likes me and the next he doesn't. My friend said that he never likes anyone for more than a few days at a time. I also don't really know how to get over him. Help!!!
- Mimi

Sunday, Mar 15, 2009 - 10:37:54 PM
Sometimes guys doesn't really like to bring the topic of the rejection. They just act like nothing has happened, or they still care for you. Most guys act like nothing has happened. Sometimes guys still have a strong affection, and think that the rejection is just another step forward. For girls, I think it's kinda the same. Girls will still love the guy after a rejection. Or have a nervous breakdown, and it will take at least a week to heal. Even though they were rejected, they still love the guy in a way, and probably act the same way. That is what I think. I hoped this helped anyone.
- Anthony

Sunday, Mar 15, 2009 - 5:08:24 PM
Why when guys get emotionally hurt do they just brush everything off and wont talk with you about it?
- Michaela

Sunday, Mar 15, 2009 - 12:42:42 PM
Dawson, I've read almost all of your blogs, listen sundays and weeknights hear in DC. I'm wondering if you could HELP ME by writing a new blog post. You have many blogs about helping the abused, but can you please help us "losers" who have fallen into the habit of *abusing*? You always tell people to stay away from us, alienating us, which makes sense. I just wish you could understand we're people that need help too, and although our partners need a break from us, we still need help when we seek it. Please help me. I've emotionally abused my girlfriend, and don't want to repeat myself, but need kind words of advice.
-

Sunday, Mar 15, 2009 - 1:25:13 AM
I love all your answers you're amazing. what I wanted to talk to you about was there's this guy I like him and he likes me but he knows I am not allowed to date yet, and he said he would wait for me to be able to, well a couple weeks ago he said he just wanted to be friends and that he still likes me and it wasn't me at all, (then he called himself a bad name) well he (at times) seems to have a hard time with this whole just friends thing, I sometimes do too. And I'm starting to wonder if he did something with another girl while we were a little more than just friends, because he called himself a bad name. He's one of my closest friends and sometimes we are really close but other times he just has the cold shoulder to me. He's said he's sorry to me when he wasn't talking to me and I have forgiven him. But how do I know if really does care about me (friend wise) the way he says he does? Or am I just expecting too much from him?
- Tracy

Saturday, Mar 14, 2009 - 9:40:15 PM
thank you so much for the info
-

Saturday, Mar 14, 2009 - 8:09:40 PM
i love all your answers to these questions.your awsum.but, wat i would like 2 know,is, why do guys get p***ed off and treat you like crapp wen you reject them?
- sarah m.

Saturday, Mar 14, 2009 - 7:46:35 PM
how do u know when a guy wants 2 be just friends or more...?
- amanda

Saturday, Mar 14, 2009 - 7:46:21 PM
Hey, Dawson, Why are guys so dumb? It seems that they get into the girl for the wrong reasons and then they find out that the sex wasnt good enough and then they dump her.
- Charlie

Saturday, Mar 14, 2009 - 12:46:24 AM
Well, well, I wondered when wed get to this one. I think this is an issue that is supposed to be handled delicately. Thats why people have to take their time deciding whether or not a girl/guy is right for them. Before you start on a relationship you have to look for everything, physical and emotional attraction. That way this embarrassment and heartbreak never happen
- Charlie