How To Date Meaningfully

The prized treasure of meaningful relationship is something that is going to take a lot of time and hard work on the part of both people in the relationship.

I want to say thanks to Logan for writing this very kind comment—it made me smile: “I’m only 12 but I’ve gotten a lot of tips from your blog. I think it’s great you would spend your OWN time when you could be doing something more fun. God Bless!” Well, Logan, I actually have quite a bit of fun working on these blogs. Someone always has something interesting to ask about the opposite sex. I love trying to come up with answers that will bring direction to people who might need some help with their relationships. Another comment, like one sent from Tracy, help keep me going: “I love all your answers, you're amazing.” Thank you, Tracy. Let’s see if I can help you this week, because I sure want to.

QUESTION #17) Sheldon asked: “How do you get a really deep and meaningful dating relationship?”

DAWSON: Now that’s a great question. We live in a society driven by instant gratification. We think we can have whatever we want, when we want it, and not patiently have to work at it. Usually something worth having takes a lot of work and time. Therefore, the prized treasure of a deep and meaningful relationship is something that is going to take a lot of time and hard work on the part of both people.

It is difficult to get to a place of trust, respect, and mutual love with another person. It takes putting the other person first, and letting go of your own selfish desires. It takes patience, commitment and a rock-solid foundation that begins as a tried and tested friendship. This doesn’t happen overnight. You need to take time really getting to know someone before you begin dating them.

The danger is when a couple adds physical intimacy or sex to an undeveloped, uncommitted relationship—this throws the progress of the relationship all out of whack.

Many people don’t have the patience to let a relationship develop. They want to rush into things, because being in a close relationship can feel like the ultimate high. Many times people imagine a relationship to be better than it really is, just so they can feel “in love”—a sort of cloudy, fuzzy, state of giddiness that makes everything else in life seem small and boring in comparison. The danger is when a couple adds physical intimacy or sex to an undeveloped, uncommitted relationship—this throws the progress of the relationship all out of whack. Often, the girl starts to wonder if her boyfriend just cares for her for the sex, and he loses respect for her because of the times she has violated her own deeply held convictions. This can cause a cloud to hang over them—one that can often ruin their relationship.

There are many couples who have made their relationships work regardless of great age differences.

Just remember, real love involves a growing relationship, and any amount of growth takes time and attention. Not every relationship is worth the time. My prayer is that you will find that relationship. Protect it for all its worth because it is worth it. Nurture the relationship, take care of it, and do things that will let you get to know each other. Let God be your foundation, and let love, rather than selfishness, be your guide.

QUESTION #18) Anthony asked: “I’m 17 and the girl I like is 14. All my friends say she’s too young. What do you think is too young? Or too much age difference?”

It is possible for mixed-aged relationships to survive, but they are rarer than you think, and take extra work and patience to see them survive.

DAWSON: Generally speaking, most age differences in dating relationships are more of a problem in people’s heads than in actual reality. Meaning, there are some couples who have made their relationships work regardless of great age differences, while others haven’t. But usually, it has little to do with the actual age number, and more a matter of maturity and motive of both people. I’m curious if you want to date this girl because she is younger, and therefore more likely to be impressed by you, or used. Or do you feel like it’s difficult for you to date girls your own age? Also remember, there’s a tremendous difference between someone 17 dating a 14-year-old, and someone else 24, dating a 21-year-old. It all has to do with life experiences and the maturing process that is in high-gear during these years. I can’t really tell you whether she is too young for you, you almost have to go on a couple by couple basis.

Here are some questions I would ask if I were you:

• Are her parents okay with you dating her? They are probably concerned about their little girl growing up too fast by spending a lot of time with someone older.
• She may be mature for her age, but are you going to be okay hanging out with her other friends of the same age? Is she ok with your friends?
• Do your friends think she’s too young because she only 14, or because she acts considerably younger than you?
• Or is there some other factor about her besides her age they don’t think would be beneficial to you?
• Do you share similar hobbies and interests?
• Does she challenge you and make you a stronger, better man?

Thursday, Mar 26, 2009 - 11:27:18 PM
Wow let me first off say I LOVE YOUR RADIO SHOW AND BLOGS!!!Ok.. well i have a boyfriend who is really good to me but all my friends don't like him and they are always telling me negitive things about him, and i get mad at them for doing that. But, then my EX has basically come back into my life kinda... he has been having seziures and he has to stay home so they can monitor him, and i really like him and care for him like no other. So i am really confused who i should be with, my NOW bf. or my EX bf who i think needs me right now. im so confused can u plz help me?!
- Bethany

Thursday, Mar 26, 2009 - 11:15:22 PM
Dawson, how do i know if i am pushing my best guy friend away?
- Hannah

Thursday, Mar 26, 2009 - 10:42:08 PM
HELLO. i listen to your show every sunday night. anyway, my issue. - I have liked this boy for a really long time, and he has told me multiple times he likes me. We even went out for a little, and after we broke up he told me that he still liked me a lot. Now he flirts with me everyday, and always stands all close, but he doesn't do anything. Its like I am his flirting toy, and I don't know how to handle it. It is really affecting my moods. PLEASE HELP. [:
- Killian

Thursday, Mar 26, 2009 - 9:53:56 PM
Hey Dawson! I love what you said about building a rock-solid friendship before you actually start dating. I have done this many times. To my friends I am known as the girl so falls for my best friend. I feel this is because these are the people that truly know me and still spend time with me anyways =p. But I haven't had any luck in taking the friendship to the next level. None of the guys that are now my friends have ever been interested. So my question is...How can you tell if the friendship SHOULD go on to the next level, and how can you get there?
- Rebecca

Thursday, Mar 26, 2009 - 9:30:17 PM
i am dating a guy that is not the same age as me
- keshia h.

Thursday, Mar 26, 2009 - 8:55:16 PM
Dawson I have some things that I am going through that I can't really talk about with anyone. ANYONE. And I just love the way that you help people! I think that you are awesome! And you never know, one of your shows might inspire me to call one night. I don't know and its hard to understand some of the things going on around me. I'm only thirteen and I have been through a lot! You're great! Stay that way! Michaela
- Michaela

Thursday, Mar 26, 2009 - 8:04:08 PM
hey dawson im 13 about to be 14 and i had sex with my boyfriend and i am 2 weeks perganante and i dont know what to do. is there any advise you could give me to help me?
- ashley

Wednesday, Mar 25, 2009 - 7:57:37 PM
This is a different subject, but my boyfriend has recently been telling my about how his mother constantly yells at him day in and day out when he's done nothing wrong. His dad is always out drinking and is never home, his father also might possibly be physically abusing him. Last night he didn't sleep because his mother threatened to beat him in his sleep. Is there any way to tell if he really is being verbally or physically abused? If so, is there any way I can help him?
- Theresa

Wednesday, Mar 25, 2009 - 7:09:56 PM
I was reading your answer to Anthony about age differences in relationships. I`ve been really close friends with this guy for a coulple years now, and we admitted to liking each other. We decided to start dating, and as much I like him, Im nervous about us because Im older. Do you think its ok for the girl to be older in a relationship?
- Kelley

Wednesday, Mar 25, 2009 - 2:18:04 AM
My thoughts are simple. Guys dont spoil her, but dont neglect her, dont smother her, but dont isolate her. and if you have a brain, hold off on the sex.
- Charlie

Wednesday, Mar 25, 2009 - 12:15:30 AM
Dear Dawson, Because of you I didn't give up. I have listened to your show since I was little. I was suicidal, but your words towed me through that valley so broken down. So thank you. I do have a question for you hopefully it comes out making sense LoL I went through a spiritual transformation after seeing how I was in relationships. I was very clingy, needy and dependent, always searching to be validated. It took an emotionally abusive relationship to reveal the things I needed to fix. My father it turns out was a big contributor to my attitude towards men. I felt like I was nothing without a man, which was also a reflection of my mothers life. So I decided to back away from relationships all together until I knew who I was as a person. It turns out I was defining myself by reflecting my current relationship. So now I have been single for a long time, about 2 years, and I'm 23. I am attractive and am finding it difficult to open up to new people coming into my life. I have always been really reserved yet I am starting to feel my insecurities of being judged are making me more and more emotionally distant from people. I put pressure on myself to change and be more open, because I don't want to be that person that has no personality, that nobody remembers. It seems I am currently playing this role, so how can I make my personality blossom? I thought picking up new hobbies would help me relate to people. I play guitar drums and bass, plus I love doing glass art, but it seems now I use those hobbies to avoid those same people. I feel so lost how can I become more comfortable in my own skin? Also being attractive makes me paranoid about mens real motives in being around me. It is so hard to find the genuine ones who are capable of unconditionally loving me. This fear may be from my mom telling me my whole life men want one thing. Thanks for everything you have done, curently do, and will do :-)
- Chantel

Tuesday, Mar 24, 2009 - 12:20:10 PM
I know this is totally off subject, but some of my friends and I are starting a club called Witness that talks about how to prepare ourselves for when the end of the world comes, even if it isn't in our lifetime. I was wondering what your thoughts were on the subject of the end of the world according to the Bible. Thanks for reading, and you're doing a great job on the blogs! :)
- Kayla

Tuesday, Mar 24, 2009 - 12:18:04 PM
How do you know when you are ready to get married? How do you know if your partner is ready to get married? What kind of questions should you ask yourself before you make such a serious commitment?
- Anonymous

Tuesday, Mar 24, 2009 - 2:53:21 AM
Dawson, this weeks blog was really good. I just recently started going out with one of my friends that i have known for a year. Things kinda rushed and after 6 weeks it felt more like 8 months. I lost my virginity to him too. We already took a break and we are going out again. I don't know how to slow things down before i lose him completely. Hes an amazing guy and supports everything i do no matter what it is. Any Advice?
- Rebecca

Tuesday, Mar 24, 2009 - 12:01:00 AM
Hey Dawson, My question for you is, How do you know when you're in an emotionally abusive relationship?, pls help me out here me and many of my friends would like to know this answer. Thanks so much, You give me hope when i have none left, Don't stop what you are doing. It's helpful not only to those who speak to you but to everyone who listens to what you have to say, if i had to compare you with something, i would say that you are like the light at the end of a dark tunnel, you know its there but you just have to look for it, the answers you give to everyone who calls helps everyone even if ther situation is completely different. Thanks and God Bless you.
- Kayla

Monday, Mar 23, 2009 - 9:37:18 PM
Hey Dawson, i work in an adolescent mental health unit and i record your show on Sunday nights and use them in group therapy sessions. What your doing is great ! Never give up, your impacting so many lives you wont even know! You will have lots of crowns my friend :) God bless you
- Megan

Monday, Mar 23, 2009 - 7:44:51 PM
I am 22 and everytime I like someone that seems to be a really great person they only like me as a friend then start dating one of my friends. Is it me or them? Everytime this happens it makes me wonder about myself even more than I do now. How is it possible to find someone that is not totally into the physical appearance of another when society seems to dictate that everyone must be pretty and thin? Im neither of those things and it seems that this is all that people want now. What ever happened to people liking you for the person you are and not for what you look like. Right now I am talking to this guy whom a friend suggested and I have begun to like him online, but I'm afraid that once he sees me he will do the same thing as these other guys.
- Kirsten

Monday, Mar 23, 2009 - 3:32:39 PM
hey! I love your blog-it's really helpful to a lot of peple. I am in a commited relationship with my boyfriend of 6 months. I have been through a lot in my lifetime. I was adopted at 11. At age 13 my adoptive father began raping me frequently. Almost 3 years later I became pregnant with his children. I am now raising twin daugters and am only 18. Recently I pressed charges against my father for this. My mom really gave me a hard time about it and told me that I was the reason that we couldn't be a family anymore. She told me that if she were me she would have kept everything bottled inside and just let it go and told me that's what I should have done. Due to the stress at home I and my two children moved in with my boyfriend and his family. They are great-the family I've always dreamed of- but it's really stressful starting out on my own with all this going on. I try to understand where my mom's at in this and my boyfriend just doesn't understand why I do this. They put me in the middle of them and it's just really stressful being torn between two people I love with all my heart. My dad has had a warrant out for his arrest for two weeks now but nothing. Now I'm also worried that I may be pregnant. We really want a child now and are getting kind of excited even though we don't know for sure. i'm very happy with him but this is really stressful--I was wondering how I could relieve some of the stress? Can anyone help me?
- Ashley A.

Monday, Mar 23, 2009 - 12:47:01 PM
I am 12 and i have had the same bf since i was 2,we have only been official for 1 year,. We get along great, but since i moved away i cant tell if he wants to break up with me or not.
- Miranda

Monday, Mar 23, 2009 - 11:25:27 AM
Hey dawson my problem is Im 15 and ive only had 1 boyfriend he was 17 and it ended badly and now we are friends but i really like his cousin nick and nick likes me to the main reason we wont date is because of my ex oh yeah i forgot to tell you they live in a diffrent state and nick is a bit older than me so i guess my question is do you think i should date him or not?or what should i do?
- Savannah

Monday, Mar 23, 2009 - 2:33:02 AM
I am 20 and married. My biggest fear in my relationship is becoming unattractive to my husband. My question is: should I expect him to always feel attracted to me, no matter how old or fat I get? Or should I anticipate a reaction of him accepting me for me but not being as attracted as he is now?
- Jenn

Monday, Mar 23, 2009 - 2:19:36 AM
i like taking peoples bfs cuz idk i think it just makes me feel like a better person than that other girl but then i think about how that other girl feels??? and i have no clue wut to do im just so confused.
- keyondra

Monday, Mar 23, 2009 - 2:01:28 AM
how do you pick out a nice guy that will fit you and like you for who you are?
- kal

Monday, Mar 23, 2009 - 2:01:20 AM
Hey dawson mcallister I've heard your radio show a few times and one thing I realized is what you say makes me think about my pass I'm 38 hispanic male ex gang member, an addict in recovery I used for 24 years I been clean for almost three years I did a complete turn with my life.I am an alcohol and other drugs speacialst with adolescent I wish their was a radio show like this when I was growing up Bless your heart you are doing an excellent job I wish their was more people like you in this world robert
- robert p.

Monday, Mar 23, 2009 - 1:12:31 AM
Hay dawson the blog this week is good. I am 15 and the girl i was just dating just broke up with me for what i do not know in i really love her in i wont to mary her but she broke up with me. WHAT DO I DO PLZ HELP ME?
- Andrew S.

Monday, Mar 23, 2009 - 12:13:29 AM
I like this guy and he says he just wants to be "close friends" and yes with sex involved, he acts like a boyfriend. what does he want or mean by acting this way?
- marissa.

Sunday, Mar 22, 2009 - 10:59:15 PM
thank u for everything u do dawson u help so many people my question is y do some girls expect u to change everything about yourself to go out with them it doesnt make sense
- Kelton

Sunday, Mar 22, 2009 - 10:18:59 PM
I'm 16 and im still love with this boy I dated 3 years ago. I had put up with a lot. He used me,hurt me, broke my heart and I don't think he ever cared about me. But now my bestfriend is bestfriends with him. And as much as I want to forget about him I can't. What do I do? -Laura
- Laura

Sunday, Mar 22, 2009 - 6:47:52 PM
hey dawson this blog and the continuation of these blogs are realli helpful. im 16 in high school and even tho im not dating ne one rite now this is helpful 4 wen i do decide to or wen the time comes but thanks and God bless u 4 evry thing that ure doing....
- riah

Saturday, Mar 21, 2009 - 10:31:08 PM
Dawson I'm 15. I've never had a girlfriend, never been kissed, never done anything. I've always viewed a relationship with a girl as like something i have to do before high school ends. I'm just so frustrated that i cant get the girl. can you help me out Dawson?
- brian

Saturday, Mar 21, 2009 - 3:32:03 PM
Why does having a guy as a best friend come back and haunt you sometimes? Everytime they get scared, freaked out or things get tough it's like they don't even want to try and save the friendship. Is this because of the maturity thing?
- Emily

Saturday, Mar 21, 2009 - 1:03:21 PM
Why are girls suck backstabbers? One of my good friends is dating the guy I'm in love with... AGAIN. He's also my best friend.
- Emily

Friday, Mar 20, 2009 - 11:57:53 PM
whyy are all guys so mean and always break our hearts!!!
- Candace

Friday, Mar 20, 2009 - 10:58:57 PM
I loved your blog this week, its great, almost like you were actually talking to me because i am in a relationship with a guy after almost two years of friendship and getting to know each other even though we have been attracted to each other since day one, but there is an age gap, I'm 15 and he's 18 my dad says i dont know what love is and I'm to young to understand love :(
- Cassandra

Friday, Mar 20, 2009 - 6:45:44 PM
I am 14 and im dating a 18 year old. Yeah kinda very simliur to the 17 and 14 situation, but i dated him over the summer last year, and we have got back together. i do believe you have to go through alot to keep the relationship going, we argue alot over stupid things, well argue not so much but sometimes, and i do believe mabye somehow it could be cause the age difference, &nd stuff, but we do love each other dearly &nd i know it. We have been through alot, and he had done alot for me, he done told me he doesnt want the relationship to be all about sex, &nd i told him last summer i was not ready, he did not leave me, he told his cousin that, this relationship is not all about sex, its more about love, &nd he would wait till i was ready for sex, if ever. &nd i trust him i dont trust few ppl but one nite i went and told him my life story so he knows everything, &nd still loves me for me, &nd there is not many guys out there that are like tht.
- anymous

Friday, Mar 20, 2009 - 3:35:14 PM
Dating is a web, often filled with lies and deceit. The biggest obstacle is the parents, who in some cases would rather lose an arm than let their daughter date someone. Being honest to the parents is key. And you must have actual interest in their daughter.
- charlie