Why Rush Into Marriage?

We’re in the middle of a series of blogs where you send me the most interesting (and maybe even frustrating!) questions you have about the opposite sex, and I make every attempt to answer them. My goal is to help you have healthy relationships with the opposite sex, as well as a clearer understanding of yourself. We’ve been focusing on dating relationships, but some of you are curious about marriage itself. How are you supposed to know when you should get married? And what’s it going to be like? This is a tough topic I can’t address in just one blog, but I can answer a couple of your specific questions.

QUESTION #19) Aaron asked: “Why are some girls in such a hurry to get married? To me, only six months to a year of dating is way too fast.”

Marriage is a huge step of faith and commitment between two people, one that shouldn’t be entered into lightly.

DAWSON: Marriage is a huge step of trust and commitment between two people. It takes a tremendous amount of hard work and self-sacrifice. It is heaven if you’re ready for it--and hell if you’re not. It should never be entered into lightly. There are, however, many women and some men who feel like they can’t be a complete person unless they are married. Many of them are looking for another person to solve their many problems and help them feel whole. As I have mentioned many times, only God can meet our deepest needs. It is so important two people come together out of their strengths, and not their weaknesses. Never ask your marriage partner, or anyone else for that matter, to meet the needs only God can meet.

Women are also driven to marriage out of an inborn desire to have children. Studies show some women are waiting longer to have children, yet the desire to be a mother can be very strong, even at a young age. And many rightly understand how raising children is more effective within a committed marriage relationship. This pressure to have children sometimes pushes a woman into making a rushed decision about who she will marry. Some tend to forget that who you marry is the second most important decision you will ever make.

There is no specific length of dating that is the magic amount required before getting married.

Family members can also be guilty of putting undo pressure on single women to get married. Sadly, some families believe being single makes one a second class family member. Even most movies or television shows point out how the happiest women are always the ones falling in love, and living happily ever after. All that being said, there is no specific amount of time dating that is the magic amount required before getting married. It has more to do with the maturity of the people in the relationship, and their true understanding of love and commitment.

QUESTION #20) Jenn asked: “I am 20 and married. My biggest fear in my relationship is becoming unattractive to my husband. My question is: should I expect him to always feel attracted to me, no matter how old or fat I get? Or should I anticipate a reaction from him accepting me for me, but not being as attracted as he is now?”

You will never be able to control how attracted your husband is to you.

DAWSON: Thank you for the vulnerability of your question. You will never be able to completely control how attracted your husband is to you, just like you didn’t control his attraction to you when you first started dating. His attitude about accepting the way you look is completely up to him. However, being attractive to your husband is important. It shows you understand the way he thinks and what attracts him. The majority of men are attracted to the physical. As you get older, it is extremely important you stay in the best possible shape you can, both physically and emotionally. Do this, not simply for your husband, but also for yourself.

But marriage is ultimately about living out God’s plan for your life together.

If your husband knows you are committed to him, he will be appreciative of any efforts you make to be attractive to him. After all, he won’t be getting any younger either. Yet, what makes a marriage work is not the physical alone. If that were true, there would be no divorces in Hollywood! In the end, the love and commitment you have toward your spouse will come from your soul, based on shared experiences and a deep respect for each other. That is why you will see people who are very old, and have lost almost all of their physical attractiveness, still loving each other deeply. Marriage is ultimately about building a life with another person, possibly raising children, but most definitely living out God’s plan for your life together.

Please keep sending me your questions. Guys - I want to hear from you! What kinds of things do you wonder about the opposite sex, but haven’t had the chance to ask? Let me know! I look forward to hearing what you’re thinking.

Friday, Apr 3, 2009 - 12:44:19 AM
Heres my question. IS it o.k to think about marriage in the near future but be patient and not rush into it? Some people think its stupid to think about marriage but stil wait for the right person and be patient.
- Shaylee

Thursday, Apr 2, 2009 - 11:54:44 PM
hey dawson how come guys always think that we women always want marrage as soon as we meet them.its not true with all women. but why do they all assume that we do?
- ashley

Thursday, Apr 2, 2009 - 1:18:47 PM
My boyfriend and I have been together for one month and almost three weeks. All our family and friends say we should get married in the near future. They think we are so perfect for each other. But the more they pressure me and tell me what they see in our relationship the more i think they only see the good things and not the bad... I'm not trying to rush into marriage, but everyone is pressuring us... What do you do when someone is pressuring you to date or marry someone you dont know is right for you?
- Tawny B.

Wednesday, Apr 1, 2009 - 12:41:01 AM
Why do some girls fight or spread rumors about people who really have only done some small thing to them in the past? Better yet why do some hold on to things that happened years ago?
- Robert

Tuesday, Mar 31, 2009 - 11:25:48 PM
I totally agree about the marriage issue, some women do get married to feel secured with there partners, as well as having children too. I was 20 years old when my husband and I got married, and I was 21 when we had our first child, we have now been together 4 years in july and I now wonder why did i really get married? We are now going to a marriage counselor together to work on our issues. If I could redo it again I would think long and hard before I rushed into marriage again, because the longer you know the person, the more you will be able to decide if you can live with them forever or not, or you could wind up like me and wonder why you jumped into something so quick?? Only if the doctors would have not told me I may never be able to have children, and my best opportunity was now if I wanted any, so what did I do, I found a guy that was a stable provider and i decided to marry him because I knew that he could take care of me and a baby, there was no love there and I still wonder if there ever will be I do care about him in a way but no romantic feelings at all, If I didn't have my son I would probably get divorced and start over. I would finish college and go on and work for a while until I found someone I was in love with and then marry, but I can't undo the past I can only make my future better, Ii hope this advice teachs you to marry someone when your ready, because you don't want to regret it after your married
- Colleen

Tuesday, Mar 31, 2009 - 10:08:34 PM
Why do guys just like to say that they have a girlfriend? It's like they chase the girl, but once they catch her she's no fun, and they don't break up with her because they want a girlfriend. And yet they completely ignore her.
- Heidi

Tuesday, Mar 31, 2009 - 8:55:27 PM
I'm 16. I was planning in getting married at 18. I moved and she stopped loving me. I still love her. And my feelings haven't changed. And now I'm all confused at hurt
- frank

Tuesday, Mar 31, 2009 - 8:13:41 PM
Marriage isnt something to be taken lightely. I made the worst mistake by proposing to my now ex fiance only 3 months after knowing her. Not only did I ruin her life I ruined her entire family's life and ultimately my own. Never rush into anything. I had felt alot of pressure by her knowing in my heart it was the wrong thing at the wrong thing. Never rush into things.
- Andrew

Tuesday, Mar 31, 2009 - 7:33:54 PM
Why do guys flirt with you, and act like they like you if they don't? Or is it just a fun game for them to play with your mind, even if they do like you?
- Emily

Tuesday, Mar 31, 2009 - 4:51:58 PM
Why are girls such backstabbers? One of my good friends is dating my (guy) best friend... I'm also in love with him.
- Emily

Tuesday, Mar 31, 2009 - 4:18:48 PM
Good afternoon DAWSON I am a sixteen year old girl who has fell inlove....Here is my story I have had trouble finding men who would love me for who i am and let me be the first to say i am not skinny...and i know i make mistakes...I used to be one of those girls who would mess around with other guys who had girlfriends and give myself to them...I used to be like the kind of girls people would call sluts... I would tell everyone that i dont need someone to love me when i know i do!!! I would be the tough one to stick it out but i am tired of acting like that and feeling so rotten inside i mean its not me!!! I tried finding guys on MYSPACE i tried everything until one day i decided to take one look and i did find a young man who is eighteen and i have clicked with him!!! Now when i met him the first time i fell inlove it was like i know him forever i mean i fell deeply inlove and so did he....He proposed to me the next day i saw him again and i said yes!!.....We promissed eachother that we would wait Now my plans inlife was to go into the army and serve my country But now i have someone Who loves me and i love him But i hope its not to good to be true i mean i love this man and he means the world to me... Dawson i have been heaing your show since i was 13 that has been three years and you give the best advice anyone can listen to i just want to thank you so much for what you have given me you gave me hope freedom laughter and love Thank you and i would love to become a member of your team i would like to help out teens like myself in my area if there is a way please contact me and please let me know thank you so much for everything...Exspecaily having FAITH ;}
- Vicki

Tuesday, Mar 31, 2009 - 1:37:19 AM
As a nearly 17 year old guy, I often think about how I can most effectively prepare myself for marriage right now in life. I often hear marital advice and I feel like I am just bottling all this stuff up and have no outlet. Course I know right now the best things I can do is hand my sexual desires to God and grow closer to Him, which I am working on daily, but what else can I do to prepare myself for my future wife even though I've never dated?
- Michael

Tuesday, Mar 31, 2009 - 1:01:17 AM
the sooner you get married, the more likely you are to break up
- Lera

Monday, Mar 30, 2009 - 8:06:27 PM
I got married when i was 21 to a man who thought wanted to marry me. I found out how immature he was over the course of the nearly 3 years we were married and then around november of 2008 he told me he never really wanted to get married but was too afraid to tell me. its like you cant screw around with stuff like that you know. i wuld have gladly waited if thats what it took. I think people who get married under the age of 24 really need to take a deep look at everything because they are young and marriage takes alot of work and more than just love. there is premartial counseling i would take advantage of it.and dont rush!!!! i dont regret getting married or getting divorced because after it all i found my true love and he is my heart.
- Emily

Monday, Mar 30, 2009 - 1:59:07 AM
well.... i'm 20 and engaged. and my friends and my family think i'm young to be married. but i'm marrying into the army, and so there's girls who are marrying at like 17, 18, and no one has been able to give me advice on what to do. can someone help me?
- laura

Monday, Mar 30, 2009 - 1:05:48 AM
i say marriage shouldnt be rushed into. i was one of those girls that pushed for it with my boyfriend. we got engagged then married our dating and engagement was a year each. so we got married. its wsy harder than everyone thinks and the mindblowing fact is we were the couple everyone wanted to be like. after a year and half we took a break hopin for the best but now we are divorced. its really easy to jump in marriage and when times are hard just as easy to give up when it seems its so hard. not to mention all the heartbreak and emotional stress with divorce. so dont end up in a train wreck situation like i did. take it SLOOOOOW and put god first in all decisions bein made.
- felicia

Sunday, Mar 29, 2009 - 11:40:18 PM
I have been married twice before and after the second one of 20 years, I said I will never get married again. Well I met a gal 7 1/2 - 8 years ago years ago, we have lived together for 7 years with the understanding that marriage isn't going to happen. (she has been married twice before too) She says she feels the same way but sometimes I get the feeling that she isn't. Now the real clinker is I am an alcohlic. I sobered up 6 months ago. The only thing we ever did was go to the bar together. She is not alcohlic but always did what I wanted. Now that I am sober I don't know how to act or what we can do together. I really care about her and would enjoy spending the rest of my life with her, Is marriage an option? It has seemed like when I got married the other times things changed and there were issues. so the marriage s didn't last. I am confused?
- Paul

Sunday, Mar 29, 2009 - 11:10:00 PM
My boyfriend broke up with me. It seems like he doesn't want to get back together but I think he does, how can I be sure?
- Ellen

Sunday, Mar 29, 2009 - 10:18:44 PM
Why do girls spend hours in front of the mirror? why do girls always ask if something makes them look fat? Why do girls always seem to want to impress other guys even when they are on a date?
- Kayl'b

Sunday, Mar 29, 2009 - 9:45:32 PM
I have many health issue and I have had major variances in weight. On top of that I had breast surgery and the reconstruction is so bad Doctors sometimes say things like, Who did that to you?" When I was single, I did not look for a husband. Once on a tour overseas I had a man interested in me. I was asked by a woman friend of his what I was looking for in a man. I said I want a man who thinks serving God is his top priority. I did get married and we have been married 23 years. We did have some major issues about a move, combined with my health issues which included depression for the first time in my life. I put on 40 lbs. My husband is very health conscious and that makes me feel intimadated. We are trough all the problems, well most all, but things are even better between us. I went to Scripps Medical and the doctors helped me. As far as my weight, I just took off 30 lbs on Medifast. I have the tendancy to be overweight and I just got to the point that said I need something more to help with this than a regular diet. It is done though a doctor and you have support but there is no charge for nurses help, a support group, etc. I decided to do this before Thanksgiving because I know I would gain a bunch more weight. It was hard at first and I did not like some of the food, but I found what I liked and it really helps eating only one real meal a day. I know it is hard to deal with weight issues especially when you age. I look in the mirror and say, Yikes! If you are self conscious turn out the light!
- Elaine

Sunday, Mar 29, 2009 - 9:19:20 PM
can you fall in love with someone when you are a teenager?
- Hannah

Sunday, Mar 29, 2009 - 12:40:39 AM
hey i 18 and met a guy on the 23rd we talked about him poping the question at home coming is that to soon in your opinion
- kierra f.

Saturday, Mar 28, 2009 - 6:48:09 PM
I'm 18 and a single mom and i have never once wanted to get married. I just don't believe that marriage is that big of a deal. Why do you think all girls want to get married to have kids? You can have kids while You're not married too, an i right?
- Jovana

Saturday, Mar 28, 2009 - 4:50:56 PM
im curious does this also go towards women too?
- steven

Saturday, Mar 28, 2009 - 1:46:14 PM
Ive been dating a few months now. We arent going to get married yet but feel that we are for each other. How do we really know.
- Sheldon

Saturday, Mar 28, 2009 - 11:29:13 AM
why do guys want to go out with other girls?
- david

Saturday, Mar 28, 2009 - 9:39:34 AM
Why are most girls so afraid of some guys that they give in to their demands. I have my own answer, but I want to hear yours to see if they agree. My answer is, because the guys are such pigs that the girls are scared what would happen if they disobey
- Charlie

Friday, Mar 27, 2009 - 7:55:47 PM
i agree with question #20!
- Kinsey