Friendships are one of life’s greatest joys, with it we find someone we can share our heart with -- someone who understands and accepts us just the way we are. It is a tremendous gift when we can have deep friendship with someone from the opposite sex. There is so much to learn and respect about both genders. But at times these opposite sex friendships can also be a great challenge. One of the most exciting, but frightening, barriers a friendship faces is when one person falls in love with their best friend of the opposite sex. The feelings are so intense, and the fear of revealing them can be paralyzing.
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One of the most exciting, but frightening, barriers a friendship faces is when one person falls in love with their best friend of the opposite sex. | Laura reveals the gut-wrenching challenges she’s facing being secretly in love with her best guy friend: “It's been really hard because sometimes it seems like he likes me and sometimes it seems very obvious that we're ‘just friends.’ It's torn my heart up on several occasions. I'm currently trying to get over him, because it's just too hard to love him from a distance. I don't want to lose our friendship as we've been through a lot together in the years we've known each other, but I'd rather save my heart for someone who I know is going to give me his heart fully in return.”
It’s okay to have feelings of love because of the trust you share with your best friend, but that doesn’t necessarily mean you are in love.
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It’s okay to have feelings of love because of the trust you share with your best friend, but that doesn’t necessarily mean you are in love. | But it does mean you have the ingredients to develop awesome love which could turn into great marriage. Someone once said great friends make great lovers. The longer you’re friends, the more stable your relationship is going to be. A lot of good friends can do things that romantic partners can’t. Friends say what they need to say to each other without fear, and good friends are more likely to be spontaneous with their activities.
When you start to feel you are desiring more than just a casual friendship with your best friend and you’re not sure what to do next, let me offer you some advice that could strengthen both your relationship and your love for each other.
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“Don't rush into [a romantic] relationships with your best friend...many times people confuse love with that other kind of caring love you feel for all of your [other] friends.” | You might feel like you have to spill your guts/all your thoughts and feelings to the other person as soon as you start to feel something. That’s usually a mistake. Javier agrees: “This girl and me have known each other for nearly seven years and we have been close friends for about three. Eventually, we did start liking each other and we went out for a month and a few weeks. After that relationship ended, I didn't feel very hurt or sad. It was odd. I found myself being freer and I got to thinking: Don't rush into [a romantic] relationship with your best friend...many times people confuse love with that other kind of caring love you feel for all of your [other] friends.”
 Find another good friend you can trust—someone with whom you can verbalize your deep emotions about your best friend with whom you are in love. This other friend will help you continue to show the self-control of letting a good friendship grow into an even deeper friendship. Hold your emotions—get them out in a healthy way with another friend. Why chance ruining a good thing, at least for now?
On the other hand, after you’ve been a good friend with him/her for some time, you should be able to read their moods. You should be able to get some sense as to whether or not the friendship has developed into more of a romance for him/her, as well as yourself. If you see these signs, you might want to begin to talk about them with the good friend you so deeply love. After all, good friends should be able to talk about nearly anything.
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Find another good friend you can trust—someone with whom you can verbalize your deep emotions about your best friend with whom you are in love. | I think Jane has a great perspective: “The only time I would recommend someone to reveal their feelings is if they are SURE it is mutual. A really honest friendship will often develop into love without any conscious effort. And if he doesn't ‘love’ you, isn't having a REAL, HONEST, CARING guy friend better than a boyfriend that might leave you at any moment? Friends are people who you don't have to constantly worry about leaving you for no reason. And if he cares for you and stands up for you, he already loves you in a way already.”
First and foremost, good friends should know how much each person values the
other. We make the mistake of demanding that many of our relationships be all or nothing romantically. Whether the good person you are in love with ends up marrying you or not, you have had the joy of experiencing real love. Real love is rich, pure and self-sacrificing. To experience that kind of love with anybody is a priceless gift. May God bless you as He shows you whether your best bf/gf will become your life’s partner. In the meantime, enjoy the moment, they seldom come.
For next week, send me your stories about how you felt and what you did when you found out your parents did not approve of the person you were dating.
Wednesday, Jun 4, 2008 - 9:27:19 PM
Thanks! This really helped me clear things up.I'm going to take your advice and hopefully it works! I listen to you show every night and you give great advice. Thanks again!!!
- m.c.
Tuesday, Jun 3, 2008 - 9:58:06 PM
A lot of truth goes into these blogs. i have heard a lot about them but this is my first time viewing them. This advice goes straight to the heart.
- Matt
Monday, Jun 2, 2008 - 11:11:46 PM
I love your advise of holding off before jumping in to a relationship with someone your already close to.
I would love it if you wrote a blog about saying the three words " I love you". I think that young people use this too much, without any thought or meaning behind it. What is love? And when should you say I love you? Because I've been in love with my boyfriend for over a year and we've been dating for about 6 months, but I have never told him so.
Your advise would be really great, because you are simply the best =]
- Michelle
Monday, Jun 2, 2008 - 10:40:34 PM
thanks Dawson for this.This is kind of answer i was looking for. Im going to take the advice and hope for the best. thanks once again...
- Christy
Monday, Jun 2, 2008 - 10:34:12 PM
this blog has been the most helpful to me of them all. thanks Dawson. i'm falling for my best friend. this girl means evrything to me she's all i think about all day every day but im only 14 so i wanna take it slow. I LOVE HMN
- KR
Monday, Jun 2, 2008 - 9:26:18 PM
Thank you Dawson for this blog. I thought i was in love with my best friend,Jon. We talk a lot. So,on the last day of school Jon and i kissed but i didn't feel like a spark go off. So,we're just friends. It's all good.
-Christin
- Christin
Monday, Jun 2, 2008 - 9:21:32 PM
Dawson you are absolutely right.......This year I "fell in love" with someone that I had been friends with for about two years I reacted too quickly and although the feeling was mutual we just couldnt go through with it.........If you think your developing feelings for a friend you should defenitely wait
- Malcolm
Monday, Jun 2, 2008 - 8:07:04 PM
My boyfriend and I have been going out for about 10 months now... When we first started going out, my parents loved him, especially my dad. My boyfriend was like the son he never had. Then, my boyfriend broke up with me. He and my dad were still cool, and my mom would back him up when someone talked bad about my boyfriend. I thought that was cool because I didn't think she would still like him. Well, we're going back out now and ever since we started going back out, my mom has been trying to get me to break up with him. Everytime I talk about him, she just says you should break up with him. It's so frustrating becuase I don't think it's fair. Yeah, I know he left me, but that doesn't mean that I should leave him. I'm not going to break up with him unless I have a good reason to, whether she likes it or not.
- Kayla
Monday, Jun 2, 2008 - 8:05:58 PM
thanks man, my relationship is already ruined, i hope that this blog would have come out earlier to help me out.
- RobertEguia
Monday, Jun 2, 2008 - 7:01:22 PM
Hey, thanks for writing this blog, Dawson, it really helped me. I'm currently going out with my best friend (this is the first time this has happened with me), and I'm happier than I've ever been. My story isn't that long, so I suppose here it is:
I've known him since the fourth grade, but we never started hanging out much until the seventh grade. I always had a "crush" on him, but I admired from afar. It also didn't help that we never had any classes together until the seventh grade. The way we "met," which was when we started to hang out, was at the lunch table. Neither of us belonged to any "cliques," so we were pushed down to the end of the table. Our friendship grew stronger since. It got to the point that I didn't consider him my friend anymore, but more of a brother. I don't know if this was my need for a "sibling" (I'm an only child), if it was that I could tell him anything, or a combination of both. Well, as our relationship grew, I realized that my little "crush" was stronger now. I had a boyfriend at the time, but we never kept in touch, and he didn't even go to my school. I was thinking of a breakup anyway, and that was when I started paying attention to my friend's actions around me. Not in an obsessive way, but a normal observing way. All of my other friends were telling me that he liked me. At a little "celebration" at school, I told my friend, and he seemed a little stunned. I had talked to a few of my other friends, and they had helped my find the best way to tell him. People had overheard, and kept pestering us. That didn't help. All I could think was "Oh, God, what if he doesn't feel the same way?" It turned out that a few weeks later, before Spring Break, he asked me out. So, as you see, we haven't been going out long, but it's been better than ever. Thanks again for writing this blog!
- Kay
Monday, Jun 2, 2008 - 6:05:36 PM
Dawson, when I first starting listening to you on the radio, at night, I really thought you were a joke. But after I listened to you last night and read this blog I just want to say thank you...your a life saver...or should I say friendship saver, and you have help me more then anyone could. Thanks again Dawson
- Thomas
Monday, Jun 2, 2008 - 6:05:18 PM
i'm in this problem now. i was actually going to call last night. but heyy. :D but i'm white and my boyfriend is black and my mom is just not happy at all. but my dad tells her all the time (even though we live in ohio and he lives in georgia) that he knows Greg is a sweet heart. and the list goes on, but my mom just is soo hurtful about it. cause when Greg and i were still just good friends my mom would always invite him over, but now that were dating, she just thinks of him in a completly differnt way. it hurts, but what can i do? i just give up. and in a month i'm going to georgia to spend a month with my dad, and my dad is letting me bring greg, and i'm taking full advantage of it. soo basically what i think is that you should really just try and convince your parents, bring your "lover" over to meet them, and then when they leave ask your parents how they feel.
- Ashleigh
Sunday, Jun 1, 2008 - 11:10:24 PM
This blog definitely helped me as much as I wanted to be convinced about my relationship with my best friend (girl) and I. I 'll just follow what You said up here...'cause I trust in what you say.
- Boris
Sunday, Jun 1, 2008 - 10:51:48 PM
Thanks Dawson this really helped me. A lot of my friends have been telling me to ask my best guy friend out because i talk about him a lot. This just proved to me that its ok to just be friends.
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Sunday, Jun 1, 2008 - 10:51:35 PM
Dawson, I really, really like this girl that I have been in love with since the 6th grade. I'm starting my senior year and August and she might be moving schools. I'm worried that I won't be able to tell her how I feel and I'm just not sure if she even feels the same way about me.I just want to Thank you for this blog and your information, it helped me in a way.
- Scott
Sunday, Jun 1, 2008 - 10:41:14 PM
I'm 15 and I love my girlfriend a lot and I feel like I will lose her which is making me feel depressed and making me think to end my problems by killing them. I've been with her for 1 year and a half.
- Zach N.
Sunday, Jun 1, 2008 - 10:39:06 PM
Wow. Dawson, thanks sooooo much for posting this! It is just the right time for me to be reading this. I have had this same problem sooo many times. It hurts because I lost a good friend through it..but I am not sure what exactly to do now..and now I am scared to let my feelings out to another good guy friend..I'm afraid to get hurt again..thanks for posting. It has helped.
- Chrissy
Sunday, Jun 1, 2008 - 10:37:49 PM
i'm currently in a relationship with my best friend.
and we both, couldn't be happier.
our story is a bit lengthly but, i'll put it in a nutshell.
we met through his exgirlfriend. and we both liked each other for about seven-eight months, but neither of us realized we liked the other until recently.
now that we're together, we couldn't be happier with anyone else.
honestly, i encourage falling in love with your best friend because, who else knows you better than your best friend? maybe it's just me.
but, i'm in love with my best friend and he loves me as well.
and i couldn't be happier.
honestly, i've never been this happy in my life.
this is the happiest i've been.
- Elizabeth
Sunday, Jun 1, 2008 - 10:36:39 PM
I Am falling in love with my bestfriend there was one point in are friendship that i just could not take having him he was all i wanted he was all i thouhgt about jsut come to think about it he moved. We are still friends I still feel the same way about him. The thing i dont get is he feels the same way about me and we both came to the conclusion that it was best if we where friends because i was scared that is we did come to gether and we find someone else we wouldnt be firneds anymore!! I miss hime sooo... muuch now that i dont get to see hime everyday!!
- Brianne
Sunday, Jun 1, 2008 - 10:35:02 PM
Thanks Dawson! This really helpedd!
:D
- Em
Sunday, Jun 1, 2008 - 10:34:50 PM
Im still in love with my best friend. We happen to be of the same sex. We are both bi, and have been in romantic relationships before. The longest we spent together was 5 months. We continued being friends after we broke up. Its been a year, and its still just so hard to get her off my mind. I know im still in love with her, but luckily its getting easier. She's has been my bestfriend, is my bestfriend, and will continue to be my best friend. We've been through many different, hard, and good times together. Being in love with her is the hardest pain ive ever witnessed and had to take in, day after day, night after night, even date after date. It's been rough, but its also been easier. I liked this article. :]
- Jessica
Sunday, Jun 1, 2008 - 10:07:44 PM
im 12 (turning 13 june 12) but my dad comited suiside when i was 5yrs (i was listening to your radio show while you were talking to the people whose friend had himself). and i think i have a crush on my bff RCY.
- cheyenne w.
Sunday, Jun 1, 2008 - 10:07:06 PM
Thanks Dawson!
This blog REALLY helped me.
I think im in love with my best GUY friend, Thanks for the help(:
- Maria
Sunday, Jun 1, 2008 - 8:47:13 PM
Well my mom has never approved whom I've dated. She hates them all and says I'm a sl*tty-wh*re. Plus whn I was 12 she thought I was pregant. She also thinks my bf(whom is the best and very loyal) is a crack head. But I love him and I know for a fact that he is not a crackie. But she hates all of them and even says stuff to them to scare them. But my bf was my best friend for 3 months before he asked me out and now we've been going out for 9 months. I really don't give a care what my crazy mother saids.
- Erin
Sunday, Jun 1, 2008 - 2:01:31 PM
For the Parents not liking who you are with - I have 12 brothers and growing up my parents never approved of any girl we were with, mainly because we were at that age to where we would have sex and they thought that was a distraction in our lives. I’m 24 now and ever since I was 16 they would try and dictate who we were with, sometimes they would try and get their friends to "hook" us up with their daughters and let me tell you, some of them weren’t even cute ha-ha. but seriously, I had this one girl when I was in 11th grade, she was my high school sweet heart and man let me tell you, she was an amazing person inside and out, beautiful and someone I thought to be way out of my league but I got her and my mom didn’t like that, I’d ask her from time to time for the duration of our relationship why she didn’t like my girl friend and all she would say is "she’s a smut, I don’t like her" or some other crazy things, and to be honest I stayed with her till graduation because of that. I look at it like this, the more parents keep their kids from things while their younger the more rebellious their going to be when they do get older. I’m a Parent now to a beautiful little girl and put that in my parenting. So long as it doesn’t hurt them, embarrass them, discredit the family name or kill her I’m cool with that, her mother can keep her from what she wants in life.
For the falling in-love with your best friend – I have this really good friend with whom I share everything with, she is a little younger than me and I do love her. It makes me sad when she is sad and whenever she comes to me with any problems I instead of helping her want to tell her that I love her. She knows I love her “as a friend” and says it back but there is just something about her that I don’t want to be just her friend. I have been holding back for 3 years now and well to be honest I don’t want to ruin a really good friendship because of feelings. Time will tell the story and if were meant to be together as a couple then we will but if not then we are already really good friends and I don’t want to lose everything because of my emotions you know.. She’s just everything to look for in a girl and she’s so understanding and compassionate and doesn’t use me for only advice but we do almost everything together. I do more things with her than I do my girlfriend not because I love her but I guess because were so close.
- Jason
Saturday, May 31, 2008 - 1:06:24 PM
I'm responding to the question about what i did when my parents didn't approve of the person i was dating. first, i had to realize why they didn't like him. i talked to them about it because he was my first boyfriend. they said he lied, cheated, and i shouldn't be involved with him. They also said that he pushed me around too much. So i thought about what they said and talked to more people. the more i talked to people about me and my bf's relationship, nobody wanted us together. it wasnt just my parents. so chances are, ur parents have more wisdom than u do and its a good idea to take their advice. i broke up with him 2 weeks later. he says he's not over me, but i dont believe him. hes a liar. and a cheater. and i really regret going out with him. ur parents are smart and i think u should listen to them.
- Carolyn
Friday, May 30, 2008 - 11:04:18 PM
My friend from school, Jamie, is in love with her best friend from church. She says that he said he loves her, but she's unsure to tell him since he sat with another girl when they (as a group) went to the movies. She's still worried about it, even when I try to tell her to go for it. She wants to see him every day, but only at church she can. But I'm also worried if she won't go for him cause a guy went out with her, and dumped her two days later cause of another girl. I really think she should just tell the guy she loves that she does.
- Jacqueline
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