Finding someone to love who loves you in return is difficult. Learning how to deal with conflicts within that relationship can be extremely painful, as well. But it’s entirely different when, for some reason, you discover your parent(s) strongly disapprove of the person you are dating. It can make any dating relationship devastating and put strain on your home life.
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Never date someone your parents don’t want you to date behind their back. | When you discover your parents strongly disapprove of your bf/gf, your first inclination will be to pull away from them and continue your dating relationship behind their back. This doesn’t do anybody any good. Never date someone your parents don’t want you to date secretly. Having secrets and lies between you and your parents ruins trust and causes needless stress and drama which will affect your self-esteem, grades, and even your other friends.
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Just because they are your parents and you don’t agree with them doesn’t make them dumb. | Just because they are your parents and you don’t agree with them doesn’t make them dumb. In fact, the opposite is true. Although far from perfect, they have years of experience and wisdom you don’t. This can allow them to see the character faults in your bf/gf a whole lot easier than you, especially if you’re blinded by the deep emotions you feel for your bf/gf. Many times your parents are right. They have the advantage of perspective or big picture—they realize over 90% of high school dating ends up not working out. Parents remember their own good and bad choices while dating. They just want you to be protected from bad consequences which could affect the rest of your life.
The fact of the matter is most people spend very little time researching and getting to know the other person before they start dating—they just jump into the relationship. Many parent’s fears are well founded. They have fears of unwanted pregnancy, date rape, drug use, physical abuse, or simply having their children get a needless and unnecessary broken heart.
Carolyn commented she first had to try and figure out why her parents didn’t like her boyfriend. “They said he lied, cheated, and I shouldn't be involved with him. They also said he pushed me around too much. So I thought about what they said and talked to more people. The more people I talked to, nobody wanted us together. It wasn’t just my parents. Chances are, your parents have more wisdom than you do and it’s a good idea to take their advice.”
Therefore, the best thing you can do is to sit down with you parents and calmly, with great respect,
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Parents want you to be protected from bad consequences which could affect the rest of your life. | ask what it is they don’t like about your bf/gf and what you can do to lessen their fears and objections. Another question you could ask them is “What should my bf/gf do to win your trust?” Be willing to listen to what they have to say. Never argue with them about it. That never works. It only shows them you are too immature to be in the relationship they are so worried about. They will appreciate your desire to learn from their wisdom and respect their point of view. Remember, most of the time they are right and who wants to gamble with the few times they might be wrong, just for the sake of having a bf/gf.
Ask you parents if they would be willing to meet with your bf/gf and have them explain their reservations to him/her. If your bf/gf refuses to meet with your parents, that’s a sure sign he/she is not respectful to you or your parents. You may want a third party to sit in on this discussion between you and your bf/gf and your parents. This will help keep everyone’s emotions in check.
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Sometimes parent’s expectations for whom you should date can be too high, but most of the time your expectations are too low. |
Sometimes parent’s expectations for whom you should date can be too high, but most of the time your expectations are too low. Are you willing to settle for someone who might be harmful to you in the long run, if they appear to show interest in you in the short term? Your parents can help you answer that question without all the emotional fog you are experiencing.
Most parents will appreciate a bf/gf who wants to make the effort to get along with them. As you identify the problems and come up with the plans to fix them, you will be well on your way to more healthy and positive relationships with you, your bf/gf, and your parents. Don’t forget, while boyfriends and girlfriends come and go, parents, and their wise counsel, are forever.
For next week: Send me your comments and stories about how you can know your bf/gf is cheating on you.
Thursday, Jun 12, 2008 - 7:49:31 PM
I guess its alright to be single.. I had dated some in school but he turned out to be a real loser.. And it lowed my self esteem to the point where I did not like myself and turned to just hiding and not dealing. But I have learned that it is ok to be single. There is a jill for for every jack.. So to this day im single and happy
- Ingrid
Thursday, Jun 12, 2008 - 1:03:46 AM
my parents never approve with who i date. i am the girls who always dates her friends and my mom knows them like they were her own childern.... so with that said you would think maybe every thing would be ok, buts its not.....i dont know what her promlem is.
so in the back of my head i think that i shouldn't listen to her because really i know him better.
thakns,
keshia
- keshia
Thursday, Jun 12, 2008 - 1:03:16 AM
I'm in this situation but it's not my boyfriend, it's my husband. Ever since I started dating him my mom hasn't approved of him. At first, it was because he drank and ran with the wrong crowd. When we started to get serious though, he stopped hanging out with those friends and started drinking less. Once I got pregnant, he stopped drinking completely and started working hard, helping my mom with the rent (before he moved in) and giving me and later the baby everything we needed. Her problem then was that he didn't marry me. I was 16 and not completely sure I was ready. When he proposed a year later, I was ready. Then, her only thing was that we lived here with her until I turned 18. Then, we had another baby and her complaint was that he couldn't support us and pay bills too, even though he proved to her that he could. Now that we've moved out, she disapproves because he doesn't get a night job so things won't be so tight financially. Me and him had talked about it before she even metioned it and decided that, until I start working, we can deal with things being tight because we pay out bills, have everything we and the kids needs, and a little extra left over. It's more important to have him home with the family at night. Then she starts in on how he doesn't do anything when he's not at work. Which isn't true and never has been. He does almost half of the house work and is constantly helping with the kids or taking care of both of them so I can go relax. He's someone I can depend on to always be there and he's the one I always want there. And once she runs out of reasons, she always plays the race card because he's Hispanic.
Normally, parents do have their reasons. They see things that we don't because we're blind to the faults. But, sometimes they are wrong just because they aren't ready to see their baby grow up.
- Elayna
Wednesday, Jun 11, 2008 - 10:54:38 PM
I'm commenting on how to know if you bf/gf is cheating on you.... Every guy I've ever dated before this one, has cheated on me. There are a bunch of things. You can't look at one thing and say it is becaue of that. Some things are when they don't answer the phone when they are suppossed to be available and another is when they cancel dates or are busy at the last minute. But, i've found that the biggest one is that way they are with you. When they have someone else, they change. They don't show you as much attention or suddenly start showing you lots of attention for no reason. They will push too hard to make things seem alright. They'll start being distant and hiding things from you. Sometimes, to them, even mundane things will seem of top importance and they'll feel the need to lie or hide it. Sometimes, they'll say they care but they've stopped showing it.
There is no sure way to tell because some people are good actors. But, everyone has their own personal "tells". Something that has changed or just isn't right. It's those things that you should pay attention to and they are different for everybody.
- faith
Wednesday, Jun 11, 2008 - 9:18:41 PM
All of that is some good advise but my story is different because my parent don't even know about him! The Thing is that he is married to my cusion.Well it all stared when he got here, he us to live with us. we use to each other everything and still do. this lasted for like a year until he moved out.thats is when i knew i liked him. It Has been 1 year that he moved out but i still get to see him sometime. The last time i saw him was 2weeks ago at my sisters party. we started dancing and that is when he asked me if i had a boyfriend i said no and asked to be his girlfriend but i told him that he was married and cloudn't go out but that i also liked him. than later he told me to go with him to the back i did and that is when he tried to kiss me!! after that i just left him there and later that day i didn't see him any more. just last weekend he called me but i did not answer. NOW I DO NOT KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!!!HELPME
- Nicloe13
Wednesday, Jun 11, 2008 - 9:14:27 PM
haha well, you def. know something is going on between your boyfriend and his exgirlfriend when your boyfriend wants to go bowling with you there but then goes outside with his ex to smoke a ciggeratte, and he dont even smoke. yeah happened to me then i went on vacation & he ended up getting the same girl pregnant.but yeah we're over now & i've moved on:]
- Ashleigh
Tuesday, Jun 10, 2008 - 11:41:34 PM
some of you girls have questions like "what should i do?" well for Alyssa, i would probally listen to my parents. I know i should be the last one speaking, but honestly, most parents are right about boys, remember, their were teenagers-in their 20's too.
and for Ashley A.
if your baby's daddy whats to be in the baby's life, let him, that baby needs a mommy and daddy, and obviously your mom doesnt know your boyfriend, so I would still him.
- Kayla A.
Tuesday, Jun 10, 2008 - 7:50:28 PM
I am involoved in something like that, but I have already tried everything the article says to do... My parents just won't let up and it hurts a lot to think that they don't want me to be with the person I want to be with. My parents say they know more things about him than I do when they JUST met him this year after we were dating on and off for two years before this. My parents know that I see him outside of school and they know they can stop it, but they don't go to extreme measures to do so and I don't get why I can't see him with their supervision when I can see him outside of school with them still knowing, but not wanting to know. I am so confused and want to do whats right, but I know doing what is right is to go with what my parents are saying and completely ignore the relationship I have him.. but the problem is is I know I can't do that.. let alone that I don't want to. What should I do?
- Alyssa
Tuesday, Jun 10, 2008 - 6:18:47 PM
i had the same expierience with a guy i dated for almost a year and in that time i didnt tell my mom and ever since we got caught sneaking around to see each other she dont trust me anymore and it sucks not having a good relationship wit my mom...
- jess
Monday, Jun 9, 2008 - 11:56:19 PM
well i have experienced somethng like that before but my mom just never said anything about wanting to meet my bf. and what had happened is that i got pregnant and now that she put a restraining order on him because she said that she heard a COP said that he was in a gang. and i know that he isn't!!! what i wanna know is that after all this stuff is over how should i ask my mom to see if she wants to meet him and get to know him. my mom is a person that once she makes her decision she keeps it and it hurts a lot!!! it seems like she doesn't even want him in the babies life but he wants to be and he also wants to marry me when i get old enough. what should i do?
- Ashley A.
Monday, Jun 9, 2008 - 10:28:13 PM
I've been with my b/f for 7 years, highschool sweethearts, but my whole family don't like him for there own reasons. him and I are trying to respect them so we are taking it slow. i cant see us apart. and i was afaid to tell them we are together b/c they think we are split thanks now i have a way to talk about it to them.
- Heather F
Monday, Jun 9, 2008 - 9:47:30 PM
When i lived with my father in the town my boyfriend now lives in, my father and step mom didnt like him and i still dated him behind their back, because I knew that they were wrong about him, they said he was worthless, a trouble maker, and many more things. And i knew they were wrong so i still went out with him. We didnt see eachother much outside of school because my "parents" didnt trust me, and kept me in my room consently, the only time i came out was to eat, shower, to go to the bathroom and school. I got tarrible grades And none of that stop me, because i was convinced that i truely loved him, than one day i went to the counsler and ask if i could get a case agenist my "parents" for child abuse. and I did, my grandma won me, and i am now living with my grandparents and my moms out of jail now, and I see that same boyfriend every weekend and now with summer here, im spending everyother week with him. He lives 130 miles away and that still doesnt stop us... We've been dating 2 years now, and we are still vary happy with eachother. And I would never go back and change a thing. Sure, I might not like my dad or step mom, but they did that for them selfs and i couldnt be any happier with the family i have now.
- Kayla A.
Monday, Jun 9, 2008 - 7:07:52 PM
I disagree with this blog. Well, I also agree with it. It depends on the situation. Yes, parents are trying to protect their children when they don't want them to date a certain person. Especially if their child is a girl. But parents can be wrong. My parents are wrong. My mom saw me and my bf hugging (nothing more) and now she hates him and is trying her best to keep me away from him. She thinks that it's going to go further. But my bf and I know that it's not going to go any further than that. We are both christians and we both have the same moral, "No sex before marriage". But my parents refuse to accept that. My bf is a really good guy. He wants to go into the military and everything. He is very polite and very considerate. So, yeah-sometimes parents can be wrong about that and I think, in my case, it's better to date behind their back because I am in the best relationship ever, even though my parents don't approve.
- Marissa
Monday, Jun 9, 2008 - 12:07:19 AM
Well my parents approve of my boyfriend....but personally if they didnt like him i wouldnt care as long as he treated them with respect even if they didnt show it back to him. But thats only in my view...And i think alot of other people should see this way...
- Jennifer M.
Monday, Jun 9, 2008 - 12:06:40 AM
I knew tell my mom is I'm dating someone or not.So this way she won't say anything about him/her.I haven't even told my mom that I'm bi.If I told her anything she will tell everyone.And I don't want that
- Stormy Skye
Sunday, Jun 8, 2008 - 11:47:17 PM
I recently graduated from college and am working my first real, big girl job. My boyfriend and I got engaged on May 31st. I know he's it for me, but I also can tell that my entire family has reservations about him.
He's not what I expected to find in a person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, but I also can't imagine my life without him in it. We spent a lot of time fighting over marriage, talking through a million things, and we prayed over our relationship quite a bit. I understand what I think are my parents reservations, but I also know he is the person I want to wake up next to every morning.
In high school, I dated all of the wrong guys. My parents were constantly right about them; I just didn't want to listen. I didn't seriously date anyone for years until I met my fiance. I decided the next person I seriously dated would be someone I could see myself spending the rest of my life with.
At this point, while I know my parents have more wisdom than I do, I also know I have to trust my heart and my soul and the knowledge I have acquired from everything I have ever been through. It's taken me quite a long time to learn how to listen to my inner voice, but I am finally getting there.
Its important to take your parents thoughts into consideration, but I also think its important to listen to and know yourself.
- Leslie M.
Sunday, Jun 8, 2008 - 11:34:38 PM
well my parents approve of this guy, but after a while it just seemed like the approval level of them went down. Now when he calls me it fells very awkward because i dont know why they dont approve of us talking that much anymore. hes a really great guy, hes absolutely sweet ,and hes just plain amazing. I just dont know what to do about this. But dawson your show is very inspirational and helps me to hear and know that im not the only person goin through these kind of problems. so thanks!!!!!
- darria
Sunday, Jun 8, 2008 - 11:17:26 PM
wonderfully said :)
- Brooke S.
Sunday, Jun 8, 2008 - 11:16:56 PM
i love your show ! thanks so much
- kari
Sunday, Jun 8, 2008 - 9:57:59 PM
well it's not so much that my mom doesn't aproove of me datin the guy im datein it's that he doesn't talk to me anymore. i haven't seen or talked to him in over 2 weeks now. i want 2 go out with this other guy, but i'm not going to cause my mom doesn't aproove of him cause he smokes pot. i've been round him wen he wasn't & he's a really sweet kind loving guy. i've tried talking to him about it & he started 2 stop, but then he found out that i had a bf & started smokin more than wut he was b4. i don't know wut 2 do bout these 2.
- christina
Sunday, Jun 8, 2008 - 7:03:38 PM
i agree with dason
- tony
Sunday, Jun 8, 2008 - 2:39:18 PM
hey dawson i love your show
- Desarah K.
Saturday, Jun 7, 2008 - 12:03:15 PM
My mother is NOT pro-interracial relationships and this surprised me because she used to date this Polish guy. So when she found out that I was dating outside of my race she flipped. I can't even begin to reason that out. She started asking me if I wanted a white man to 'boost my status' and I just couldn't believe many of things she said. He wasn't mean or disrespectful and when he and his mom tried to take us out to dinner (for my birthday) she didn't want to go cause she had 'nothing to say to them'. All I wanted was for her to listen to us meet him and get to knwo him a little.
After awhile it became to much and he hated her because she let me go nowhere. So I stopped listening to her; going over his house and staying all night skipping classes to be with him in the back room. She said this was why she didnt want me with him because he was a bad influence on me. She never did understand that it was her fault! If she would have talked to me instead of judging and accusing.
But after a while he couldnt take it anymore and dumpped me 'Cause your moms crazy and shes always gonna be your mom and always around'. I couldn't very well dump my mom even though I wanted to so I gave it up as a lost cause and we parted ways as a couple but still talk in school sometimes. The biggest thing is I never told my mom that we broke up as a way to p*** her off and as I thought she got over it and doesnt even mention him anymore. Sometimes I think I should have fought for him a bit harder instead of conceding to my mothers cr*p.
- Maya
Saturday, Jun 7, 2008 - 10:36:36 AM
I just got back together with my 27 year old ex-boyfriend that I've known ever since middle school and my grandmother doesn't care if I date him cause she knows that I've known him ever since middle school.We're both the same age and we're thinking about having a baby together since we finally got back together.My grandmother told me that he can come over to hang out with me so I guess me and him can talk to each other or listen to music.Me and my boyfriend have been together a month and 7 days now so I'm so very happy to have my ex-boyfriend back in my life.I love my boyfriend alot and I really do care about him so much right now.He means the world to me and he's my everything.
- Lutetia V.
Friday, Jun 6, 2008 - 11:24:48 PM
my mom approves of me dating my first boyfriend but my step dad not so much we have been dating off and on for about one year now and the only reason my step dad dont approve is because he will be 17 on july 15 so that the only reason will good luck everyone
- bridget r.
Friday, Jun 6, 2008 - 10:26:55 PM
I agree with my parents, but i feel as if im trapped. The guy im going out with is a pusher, he's pushed me to do things, and i'm proud to say, i haven't done them and i don't plan on doing them. But the only reason i'm going out with him is because he wants to go out with me. A couple of Fridays ago me and him and some others went to the movies and he proposed to me, i didn't know what to say, i want to break up with him, but i don't know how to break up with him, im to kind hearted to hurt him again. What should i do? Please help me?
- Brittany
Friday, Jun 6, 2008 - 8:23:15 PM
its not my parents, its my brother his wife and my sister. They dnt respect him because the fact he is older than me. we have been together a year next month, but its hard knowin my family does not respect my chioces, another thing they haven even met him so if they did they would understand why i love him.
- ally
Friday, Jun 6, 2008 - 7:55:18 PM
Me and this guy dated for a year. we moved in together and my parents didn't aprove. he was extreamly controling , he would only let me see my parents for an hour a day. I had to be home at a a certain time. I couldn't have any friends or wear any make up. We were always poor so we had very little to eat, and hardly any money. Neither of us could keep a job. we broke up around Feb of this year... I moved to a different state, and he did also... I really miss him, even though that its been 5 months. me and him talked last night, and i really wanna be with him but i know my parents extreamly dissaprove and Its just very stressful not knowing what to do... He says hes changed and i can tell but i am scared hes going to go back to how he was... I really don't know what to do now.
- Lace (20)
Thursday, Jun 5, 2008 - 11:44:09 PM
My mom and step dad didn't approve of me dating my ex boyfriend because of his skin color.
It really upset and offended him and I always felt guilty that my parents would be like that.
They wanted me to break it off with him because they said it was "too different" and it would take them a while to get used to.
They eventually apologized for it, but I just wished that they could've judged more on how happy we looked together instead of what race he is.
- Brenna
Thursday, Jun 5, 2008 - 11:21:47 PM
my parents don't like my boyfriend only because they think i`m to young and that i`m not ready. my parents don't know me very well because i grew up with them never being home their always working. I'm very mature for my age they just don't know it. my boyfriend is 16 but hes basically just one year older then me because of the months difference. hes been my best friend since we were kids and i know him very well i just wish my parents would give me and him a chance.
- kitten
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