Let’s face it, most dating relationships don’t last. Some should’ve never begun in the first place. Just a casual look at both parties would tell you the relationship would soon fall apart. But there are other relationships that should last much longer and have a far more positive effect on both people. Some relationships are very fragile and can easily be destroyed. In fact, it is far easier to destroy a relationship than it is to build one.

One of the most deadly relationship wreckers is jealousy.

Years ago there was a pop song released by singer/songwriter Paul Simon called “50 Ways to Leave Your Lover.” He’s probably right. And if we thought real hard, we could probably find “50 Ways to Wreck A Relationship,” as well. I want to help you to be aware of, and learn how to be on guard against, one of the worst things that can creep in and destroy the relationship with your bf/gf.

One of the most deadly relationship wreckers is jealousy. Jealousy is toxic poison to your soul and your relationships. What is jealousy?

Some people mistake it for love, but at the core of all jealousy is fear and selfishness.

Jealousy refers to the thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that occur when a person believes a valued relationship is being threatened. It’s a state of fear, suspicion, or envy. Some people mistake it for love, but at the core of all jealousy is fear and selfishness.

Why is jealousy a relationship wrecker? Why is it so damaging? Because it stifles and demeans, putting both parties in bondage. Most times it creates a fear built on paranoia. There are many signs a relationship is under attack by the wretched behavior of jealousy:
  • Do you continually watch for the way he/she looks at other people?
  • Are you concerned your bf/gf might be sneaking around behind your back, even though you don’t have any evidence for those accusations?

  • Are you constantly dreading the thought you will soon lose your bf/gf to someone else?

    Do you question everything they say and do, because you are certain they aren’t telling the truth?
  • Does you demand your bf/gf quit hanging around, or talking to, anybody from the opposite sex?
  • Are you always calling, texting, emailing your bf/gf trying to figure out where they are at that very moment?
  • Do you demand your bf/gf to only spend time with you?
  • Are you constantly dreading the thought you will soon lose your bf/gf to someone else?
These are just a few of the sure-fire ways to know the cancer of jealousy is eating away at your relationship.

At the very core of jealousy is fear, insecurity, and selfishness. Jessiy commented: "I think a guy or girl being insecure will have a toll on a relationship because the one with the insecurities will overreact and accuse the other of things not necessarily true. Also going along with being insecure, a lack of trust will affect someone's relationship."

Jealousy leads to an unhealthy desire to be possessive of your bf/gf….

Being jealous will also cause you to be obsessed with your bf/gf. Getting concerned about his/her every move, and giving way too much smothering attention will definitely cause tremendous damage to the relationship. Jealousy also leads to an unhealthy desire to be possessive of your bf/gf, making sure you are the only person he/she ever does anything with and causing a scene when he/she wants to do something with other people, even his/her friends.

Jealousy seeks to control the other person.

Brent summed it up well when he explained the confusion and hurt jealousy can bring. "She did that? She said this, she said that? He did this, he did that. It’s all worthless chatter. I believe the only person that you can control is yourself, the only person you can change the thought patterns is of yourself. I wish I could take back the last years before the breakdown with my sweetheart.”

If you sense your relationship is being destroyed because of jealousy, you may want to admit to yourself that:
  • Jealousy pretends to be a form of love.
  • Jealousy is never love, but just the opposite.
  • Jealousy is another form of selfishness.
  • Jealousy is fed by fear.
  • Jealousy is emotional poison.
  • Jealousy causes unnecessary drama.
  • Jealousy is destructive to the other person’s self-esteem.
  • Jealousy is cruel and stifling.
  • Jealousy grows from deep within our troubled emotions.
  • Jealousy seeks to control the other person.
  • Jealousy causes confusion.
  • Jealousy is time consuming.
  • Jealousy doesn’t go away on its own.
  • Jealousy wrecks relationships.

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If you feel you are jealous, seek forgiveness from your bf/gf, taking the responsibility of being a relationship wrecker. Ask your partner to point out to you when you are showing signs of jealousy. You may also want to talk with a minister, counselor, or a therapist to help you get to the root of your jealousy.

 

Next week's topic is "Too much too soon: Disadvantages of rushing into a dating relationship."  Let me know your stories of what happened when you rushed into a relationship too soon.

Thursday, Jul 3, 2008 - 8:25:25 PM
I Got Rushed Into A Realationship One Time And It Was Nothing I Expected.My Best Friends Boyfriend Had A Friend That Liked Me I Only Knew Him 2 Days And We Were Goin Out And Come To Find Out He Smoked Marijuana And Other Things That I Disagreed With. He Was Like "I Love You Baby" But I Knew He Didnt It Was The Drugs Talking.I Told My Friend That I Wanted To Break Up With Him Because He Wasnt My Type And She Said No That It Would Work Out.So I Gave It More Time.I Told Him He Had To Stop Using All The Drugs And He Said Yes.I Called Him One Day The Next Week And It Sounded Like He Was Blowing Something.I Said What Are You Doing He Replied Very Hazy Nothing Baby.Then He Started Coughing And His Friend Said You Wanna Hit This Again And He Hung Up.Then I Texted Him And Told Him It Was Over.That Should Tell You Never Rush Into Something Your Not Ready For. Also Make Sure You Know The Person And What They Do Before You Date Them Because If You Dont It Can Hurt The Realationship And You.
- Amber

Thursday, Jul 3, 2008 - 8:24:47 PM
Well me and my bf have been together for 7 months now and we r very close.We love each other and everything.We rushed into the relationship at first,going out only on like the 2 or 3 day.But we it it off rite from the start,and yea we've had our ups and downs,and we've had a few break-up,make-ups.But i mean,we get over it and move on.Our chemistry was amazing rite from the begining.So i would advise that if u meet a guy and u really like him,then u should first talk to him and get to know the basics,(how old he is,his name,etc.) and if u get into it and happen to have a really strong converstion,and maybe continuous flirting,then u should give it a s*** because u never know wat will come out of it until u at least try.It mite work out and it mite not.But its better to at least give it a shot than spend days thinking about wat could've happened,wat if, or i shouldve.Dont make life harder on urself and have less regrets!Love ya Daswon!
- Dobrinka

Wednesday, Jul 2, 2008 - 11:00:41 PM
I have a rushed into a relationship before and it was a disaster. We did not know each other but we acted like a couple. We hung out and did what couples do. It felt akward though because it was like being with a total stranger that i liked because of their appearance and they liked for that reason too. Once the fast spark that started the relationship burned out i got hurt and she moved on. It was a mistake i wish i would have never made. I got hurt and she just wanted a fling. Your awesome Dawson. I just had to throw that in.
- Jeffrey R.

Wednesday, Jul 2, 2008 - 10:19:05 PM
u post the most awesomest and koolest blogs but they help people to thats the great thing
- cassandra

Wednesday, Jul 2, 2008 - 8:46:59 PM
i am a jealous person. i cant help it. he cheated on me three months ago and it just keeps running through my mind he is. and i mean he hung out with his ex the other day we had a fight. what do i do? i know i shouldnt be jealous cause i know he loves me but it always is there in my mind...can you please help me. i mean we have been better but now its girls. they flirt with him left to right even when its obvious were together. i know he loves me cause he pays no mind but it keeps playing back in my head to when he hung with his ex who i dislike very much. gahhhh helppppp ! - kaitlyn
- katie

Wednesday, Jul 2, 2008 - 2:04:26 AM
i think this is excellent! i love this blog. you are a very intellegent person and i love your show.thankyou for helping people across the globe.because people need it.
- anonymous

Wednesday, Jul 2, 2008 - 1:22:25 AM
hey dawson i love ur show i listen to it everynite i hav for about as long as i can remember well i tottaly agree with u bout jealousy.
- april

Wednesday, Jul 2, 2008 - 1:22:13 AM
ya i think that if u get in a relationship fast then u will get hurt i found out the hard way i ment this guy on the internet he was 18 at the time and we started talkin and then we met alot of times in person i knew he was to old for me cuz i was 14 at the time and i found out that he was cheatin on me and my parents found out and now i have to go to court about it and he is goin to be senteces on august 1 idk how long or if he is goin to go to jail or prison but i still love him and i thought he loved me to he knew what to say to me and i could talk to him about anythin.
- Tiffany

Tuesday, Jul 1, 2008 - 10:44:52 PM
Jealousy is a strong force that can last for months and even years. Its an promblem that can go from bad to worse so it needs to be addressed quickly. Becuz this issue can lead to hatred and former friends becoming enemies.
- Deacon-B

Tuesday, Jul 1, 2008 - 10:44:12 PM
Dawson, I've listened to you unwillingly for years. I say unwillingly because when I turn on my radio late at night, I expect to hear terrible pop music to mindlessly entertain me - not you. And honestly, while trying to help young adults is commendable, your counseling skills leave much to be desired. But I digress. Here's my take on the whole jealousy thing. Young adults are taught - by peers, media, society in general - about how life-and-death important it is to have a relationship because we are a culture that views the "single" status as second-class. Most of the callers I hear on your show should not just be denied relationships, most should be denied human contact. We all have our own problems, but normal people learn to deal with our problems. These young adults are so miserable with their own lives and lack, in extreme amounts, the knowledge and comprehension of how a real relationship works. They also lack the ability to improve their own lives by solving the simplest problems thrown at them. But the worst thing of all, your callers really sound like they don't care about solving their relationship problems, they just want somebody to complain to. Jealousy is merely a result of an unwillingness to trust another person. The lack of trust is grown from an unwillingness to trust oneself. The inability to trust oneself comes from some sort of unhappiness. Bad things happen to everybody, some people get it worse than others. But bad things happen in life. If there was no bad, there would be no good - a basic concept covered by Aldous Huxley in "Brave New World." If these young adults learned to deal with their problems by recognizing the bad, confronting it and solving their problems; they can actually learn to be happy with themselves and their lives. Being happy with your life means being able to be happy with other people. Being happy with other people means being able to have a strong, successful relationship. And having a strong, successful relationship means that if the problem of jealousy should ever rear it's ugly head, extinguishing it should be no problem at all. Jealousy isn't a relationship wrecker, unhappiness in yourself is. Because seriously, two unhappy people do not make one happy person - just two unhappy people who feed off of each others' unhappiness. Now that's a relationship wrecker. Sincerely, Andy
- Andy

Monday, Jun 30, 2008 - 10:10:54 PM
Showing this article to your bf/gf should also be put on this article ad one of the relationship breakers.
- Ananymous

Monday, Jun 30, 2008 - 9:46:39 PM
Thanks for this blog. Lately I've been really paranoid and jealous when it comes to my boyfriend. Now anytime I feel like I might be getting jealous or I'm having one of those "Why didn't he call me back??" moments, I'll think back to this blog.
- Rachel

Monday, Jun 30, 2008 - 8:32:31 PM
rushing into a relationship too soon- my friend rushed into a relationship with a guy she didn't know; she met him online. they exchanged emails, phone numbers, and even adresses. she gave him all her passwords for all her accounts and vice-versa. by the second day all they were saying to each other is how much they loved one another. this went on for monthes. I tried to tell the friend that it wasn't real love, he was just telling her what she wanted to hear and she knew it. but she wouldn't listen. they planned to meet finally after about 4 monthes of dating. he lived about six hours away. (keep in mind that this is when she was fourteen, so she had her older sister drive her). When she finally got there he wasn't the guy she expected. He was the same age and looked the same, of course because they had exchanged many photo's. he couldn't lie about that. but his whole personality was wrong wrong wrong. he treated her like crap and he was smoking pot! he was also cheating on her with 3, not one but 3!, of his "friends" who were girls. they broke up and now she doesnt know what to do. she told him everything and trusted him, but was betrayed. and all i can do is think, i would never say it that would be mean, "I told you so."
- hannah

Monday, Jun 30, 2008 - 1:39:27 AM
i kind of agree with u kene.. me and current boyfriend went through a jealousy spot ourselves we got through it but i got reall jealous of one of his exs bc she was alwways tryin to come between us and tellin him that she could treat him better.. she was really pretty and sill is and i think thats why i got so jealous was because i thought i might lose him to her..but we got over it and we are still together and happy and have been for almost a year and a half.. a word of advice dont ever get jealous of an ex it just causes probs..
- JESSiCA

Monday, Jun 30, 2008 - 12:46:52 AM
well i thought it was interesting when it mentioned that at the heart of jealousy is fear and the fear of loss. i was talking to one of my friends about 10 min ago ans she asked me what my worst fear is, and i said loss. what does that mean?
- sammy

Monday, Jun 30, 2008 - 12:40:13 AM
i agree. i confess no matter how much i dont want to believe that i get jealous, truth is i get jealous pretty much. with my ex he had his ex and everytime he talked about her or anything if they even talked i would get jealous right off the bat. i cant help it and when we were together she kind of did get in between. jealousy can ruin relationships. youre very right. im listening to you live right now. and dawson man you are amazing. i look up to you so much. and hope one day to meet you.
- kene

Sunday, Jun 29, 2008 - 10:42:08 PM
I was going out with this guy and we really liked each other. Well one of my friends was always talking to me about him and how our relationship was. then about 2 weeks later her brok up with me. after that i was on a web site and found out that she was talking behind my back and telling him lies about me flirting with other guys. The other guys are my guy friends from school that i would never flirt with. Then 2 days after that i found another message that she asked him out because of how our relationship went and that she wanted to be like us. she was jelouse because we liked each other and so she lied to break us up. I know know who my reall friends are...
- Sara

Sunday, Jun 29, 2008 - 9:52:07 PM
I agree with your blog, because ive been through this myself but in the end i lost the person i love not only was it my fault but theres alos. Jelousy will not only ruin a relationship but it will ruin your life.
- Bryan D.

Sunday, Jun 29, 2008 - 9:46:08 PM
i like ur style dawlson ur the man.
- cory

Saturday, Jun 28, 2008 - 11:13:11 PM
well a good friend of mine rushed into a relationship with this guy and she hardly knew the dude. and because of that she ended dating him for less than 2 days. she told me it was because there was a lot of things she jus wasnt ready for.. not like sexual stuff but being this dude she didnt even kno, she realli didnt kno wat to expect. thats why she ended it with him so soon. she saw things that she didnt even see before and she didnt realli like it and she wasnt mentally ready for any of that. rushing into a relationship had a lot of disadvantages: first if u go to far u could get hurt mentally because of a badbreak up and physically u could get an STD or something. next jus because a guy says they say they like something about you that doesnt mean that u need to get in a relationship. some guys can tlk but doesnt mean u need to fall head over heels for them. because then u gave ur heart away way too fast then ur open to be hurt very easily and that to me is like settling for anything and u shouldnt settle for less than the best. so to sum up dont rush into something that u didnt even have time to think about. God Bless
- riah

Saturday, Jun 28, 2008 - 10:33:42 AM
this blog really speaks to me. I've been in a relationship for about 7 months. My boyfriend is moving away to college in about a month. I've been worried ever since he told me. Worried that when he goes to college in a new town, that some other girl or some bad influences will become friends with him. I'm worried he'll lose interest in me, so I feel jealousy. In this critical time in our relationship, I now realize that jealousy only will complicate things further, and end up killing our relationship. I hope I can change before its too late. Thank you for posting yet another amazing blog Dawson.
- Michelle

Saturday, Jun 28, 2008 - 10:20:03 AM
I'm jealous that my boyfriend has a better family live then me and his friends make him more happy then i ever will be able to. and that he doesnt trust me and i don't have any reason to not trust him
- Jaime

Saturday, Jun 28, 2008 - 12:29:43 AM
Dear Dawson, This blog on jealousy says it all. The more I read, the more I realized that jealousy not only destruys relationships with your bf/gf but also with your best friend. Over all, an amazing blog. Love ya Dawson
- Nicole

Friday, Jun 27, 2008 - 11:48:20 PM
i am a jealous person. i cant help it. he cheated on me three months ago and it just keeps running through my mind he is. and i mean he hung out with his ex the other day we had a fight. what do i do? i know i shouldnt be jealous cause i know he loves me but it always is there in my mind...
- kaitlyn

Friday, Jun 27, 2008 - 1:30:53 AM
I'm jeilus of my ex for useing me
- DOUG

Friday, Jun 27, 2008 - 1:30:48 AM
i think that cheating,lying,doin stuff behind each others backs,flirting with a guy when your with your boyfriend would wreck a relationship it wrecked one of mine once and when your with your boyfriend and your looking for another guy and your boyfriend sees you looking he will get mad and that will wreck a relationship also telling another guy u love him and doin anything like taht with aother girl will 2
- Lexie