Let’s talk about one of the most important keys to your happiness. It is a subject people talk about, but few understand or practice. Let’s talk about forgiving others who have hurt you.
There's probably not a person in the world who does not need to forgive someone. As well, there is probably not one person who would ever say that forgiveness is easy. Forgiving others goes against our own common sense. There’s an old saying: “Don’t get mad, get even.” Yet forgiveness says, “Don’t get mad, forgive.”
To add to the challenge of forgiving, is the fact that most people do not understand what real forgiveness is and how to do it. It is equally true there has never been a generation who needs to learn the practice of forgiving like yours. That’s because there has never been a generation so hurt by others than yours.
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Forgiveness is giving up your rights to get even. | I recently talked to a girl who was abused by her step-mother for five years. Her father stood by and basically did nothing while this step-mother did terribly cruel things to this 16-year-old girl. She told me she felt scarred for life and could never forgive what her step-mother and father had done to her. How sad for the rest of her life she will let herself be abused day in and day out by her step-mother and birth father because she will not forgive them, and therefore stuck in bitterness, fear, shame and hate. I told her, “Learning to forgive those who hurt you will be one of the most difficult things you will ever do. But if you want to be happy, you must learn the art of forgiving.” Every meaningful relationship you have will require some level of forgiveness at one point or another.
So what is forgiveness? According to the American Psychological Association: Forgiveness is the mental and/or spiritual process of ceasing to feel resentment, indignation or anger against another person for a perceived offense, difference or mistake, or ceasing to demand punishment or restitution.
Put another way, forgiveness is us giving up our rights to get even. When someone has deeply hurt you, they owe you a debt. They have taken from you your sense of happiness and wholeness. Forgiveness erases that debt and allows the forgiven person the freedom of your generosity.
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Forgiveness is letting all judgments toward the person who has hurt you be handled by God. | Forgiveness is also choosing to stop feeling anger and resentment to the person who hurt you, but letting out that hurt in a positive way. When we are hurt by someone, some awful feelings can come over us at a moments notice. Out of the blue sky we feel deep resentment, hurt, anger, and even bitterness and rage toward the other person. Forgiveness says, I refuse to babysit those horrible emotions. I understand they are toxic and can only hurt me. So I will not sit and sulk. I will pray out, talk out, write out, and cry out these emotions until they no longer control me.
I love what author Lewis B. Smedes said about forgiveness: "To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you." There is no way to get away from our past and its effects on us. We can learn from it, but we can’t escape from it. We may forget it, but we can’t erase it. The only thing that can release us from the insane grip of a painful past is forgiveness. In fact, not to forgive is like drinking rat poison and expecting the rat to die. Forgiveness sets others free, but mostly, frees us.
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Forgiveness is getting to the place where you can say, I wish for you a blessing. | Brittany described it well: “To me forgiving somebody is to put something in the past and forget about it no matter what it is. For example, when I was 8 up until I was about 10 or 11 my dad totally ignored me when my mom and him got divorced because he married another woman. At that age I didn’t understand it but when I was older he divorced her. When my mom took me to meet him, to let him see how bad he was hurting me, he asked me to forgive him. So I did and I won’t hold it against him now because we all wanted to forget about it. Now I see him whenever I want to, no questions asked. I could have easily not forgiven him and never seen him again. But that’s forgiveness and everybody deserves a second chance.”
It is normal and right to feel anger toward someone who has hurt you. But hanging onto the hurt, and choosing not to forgive the other person is only setting yourself up for a life of pain and difficulty. You have a choice.
Forgiveness also means to let all judgments toward the person who has hurt you be handled by God. No one gets away with violating and deeply hurting others without some kind of consequence. But it’s not up to you to determine what that consequence should be. This much we do know: whoever has hurt you, has paid, is paying, and will pay, for their crime against you.
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Forgiveness is choosing to stop feeling anger and resentment to the person who hurt you, but letting out your hurt in a positive way. | I want to encourage you to do what CJ did: “I grew up without my parents and was raised by my grandparents in a Christian environment I thank God for. I had to forgive my parents for abandonment. I had to forgive their ignorance. I had to forgive all they had done to my family. I believe forgiveness is the most powerful thing if you need to mend a broken relationship. You forgive that person although they destroyed you, manipulated you or someone you love. That's what Jesus did and I wish everyone else did too. The world would be so much better.”
Fortunately she says she was able to forgive her parents, but that probably will never take away the memories that were caused by their neglect. Miraculously, a person can actually get to the place where they can say to the person who has hurt them, “I wish you a blessing.” Which means, I hope all will go well with you and you will have a great life. It is only when we get to this point that we are truly practicing forgiveness.
So, what is forgiveness?
FORGIVENESS IS…
1) Giving up your rights to get even.
2) Choosing to stop feeling anger and resentment to the person who hurt you, but letting out your hurt in a positive way.
3) Letting all judgments toward the person who has hurt you be handled by God.
4) Getting to the place where you can say, I wish for you a blessing.
Please do not give up in your journey to forgive those who have hurt you. The consequences of not forgiving far outweigh the work it takes to give up your rights get even.
Next week, we’re going to talk about what forgiveness isn’t. There are many ideas about forgiveness that are totally false. These wrong ideas only confuse us in our journey to be set free. Please send me your stories and comments about what you think forgiveness is or isn’t.
Thursday, Jul 24, 2008 - 12:05:22 AM
forgiveness is being able to forgive the person that had done you wrong, i have finally forgave someone that hurt me in so many ways, and it felt good to finally let it go. i prayed to God so many times to help me forgive him, and each time i tried to just do it on my own, but i finally learned that i cant do things alone, i need God to help me forgive, and i fianlly learned how to.
- dana
Wednesday, Jul 23, 2008 - 10:56:25 PM
to me forgiveness is hard. ive had to forgive my mom many times because of her leaving me and lettin stuff happen tht shouldnt have. she also should have been there when her boyfriend was doing things to me she should have protected me.i also had to forgive my dad for leaving me when i was five he shouldnt have let his girlfriend come between us. its not my fault he loved and cared for me. ive also had to forgive my moms old boyfriend for doing things to me. i now know that thses things werent my fault and they will be punished by god. i still struggle with sum of it and have a hard time sumtimes but im getting over it. i think when i find sumone i can talk to and be open things will get alot easier. oh and thank you ive litend to ur show for a while and have learned alot about things i was having problems with.
- Amanda
Wednesday, Jul 23, 2008 - 9:28:48 PM
Dear Dawson, for me, this is a tough one. All I know is that when I hear the word, "foregiveness" i know that the word, "pretending" definatly does not belong with it. Forgiveness is not about pretending or lieing.
- Nicole
Wednesday, Jul 23, 2008 - 5:44:35 PM
I must say forgiveness is one of the hardest things to do. Just three weeks ago i moved out of my dad's house to move back in with my mom. And my step mom keeps trying to blame me for everything that happened in the house up there. She would always tell my dad i was doing things i really wasn't to try to make my dad mad at me beacuse she was mad cuz my dad was more strick one my lil brother and she thought he wasn't strick on me. And now she is ripping me out of a lil money i had in my banking account. And my mom says i need to forgive her that she will be dealt with when her time comes. But it is just so hard but im finally letting go and moving on and forgetting. The worst thing is me and my dad don't talk at all anymore. I know its wrong but i really don't have anything to say after everything he would let her do and also he is an alcoholic and things would get bad. One night he told me if anyone was gonna leave it was gonna be me he wasn't gonna let her go. It really upset me cuz everyone says a daughter is a dad's most important thing and i obviously wasn't.
- Katie
Wednesday, Jul 23, 2008 - 3:41:10 AM
To me forgiveness is loving the ones that have hurt you so immensely but you continue to care and nurture them.You love them even if youre not sure if they love you but keep mending a broken heart and relationship.you keep at it untill everything is better and become a better person.Love is god.duces.
- vivian
Tuesday, Jul 22, 2008 - 11:20:32 PM
Dawsin i just wanna say thank you for the past yr i have listened to u and every night u help me in some way i think the person i need to forgive is my dad he went to jail wen i was only 4 since then i havent seen him we speak through letters but i just cant forgive him bcuz my older brother and uncle used to beat me and he shouldve been there to protect me but he wasnt and that hurts the most!
i know i should forgive him but how can i?
- sammie
Tuesday, Jul 22, 2008 - 10:51:33 PM
my thoughts about forgiveness is that i don't forgive like my friend keeps telling me i need to forgive my dad but can't and wont he did something to me when i was little i thought i had gotten rid of what happened but i was engaged and the memory popped bk up and it caused problems between us and she left now nothing matters to me any more he ruind my life so he is going to pay there is no way in hell that i am going to forgive him a couple of my friends tell me to forgive him and my self and god will take care of it but god abandon me along time ago my thoughts is if he dose exsist he get s a kick out of wathing us hurt but i dont hurt that much betwwen the cutting drugs and whiskey my life is over i am not worth nothing never was i dont know what to do i am kinda of going crazy i just try to stay num but forgiveness does not exsist
- Paul
Tuesday, Jul 22, 2008 - 9:37:21 PM
wow this blog was rite on time for me. im sruggling with this forgiveness thing especially with my mom. so this has helped me alot. but wat i think forgiveness isnt burying a past memory in the back of ur head and not dealing with it for a long time then saying that u have but really ur holding unforgiveness as well as hatred and hurt and resentment against someone. so its like a false sense of achievement.. ur struggling with this thing. and the only way to get over it is to conquer it and the way to to that is to confront the problem and the issue and realli discuss ur problem and have a real sense of achievement.
i heard this quote once and it was like: "Unexpressed feelings never die, they are buried alive and come forth later in uglier ways"....
- riah
Tuesday, Jul 22, 2008 - 2:55:01 AM
Well to me forgiveness is when you set yourself free of bitterness.
And it helps you ALOT
But ,most people{including myself at one time} think when you forgive someone your helping them in some way.
And that forgiving somone who has hurt you, will only help them and not yourself.
And that's not true.
A lot of People need to understand that, forgiving somone doesn't just help the person who has hurt you it Esp. helps YOURSELF!
- jasmine
Tuesday, Jul 22, 2008 - 2:54:05 AM
Forgiveness is tough for many including me, however in my 28 yrs of life....I recently started to forgive people who has done me wrong; past girlfriend who all cheated on me, ex-finance who cheated on me w/ 4 other guys. I've been single for 6yrs because of what she did!! I'm one of the nicest guys you'll ever find; i will do anything to make the women i'm with feel special and treat her w/ the respect she deserves!
I've excepted what they all have done and In my heart i forgive them all..God and Jesus wants all of us to Love one another! it maybe hard to do at times , but when you do you will feel rejoiced!! Because of this forgiveness I've been having better relationship w/ my mom and family, and everybody else!! I have ask Jesus to forgive my sins and come into my life and help me heal my broken heart..now...I feel like a new person..God does work in mysterious ways, we may not know it right now...but it took me this long to figure it out and I'm very thankful!!!
- JP
Tuesday, Jul 22, 2008 - 2:23:10 AM
I am really glad you wrote this. I just found out about your website and radio program a few days ago. My friend e-mailed the name of it to me so i could get help for another friend of mine who is hurting herself. Anyway, I am glad you posted about forgiveness because my step-mom was abusive to me from when I was seven to when i was ten. I was put in foster care twice during that time and ended up living with her again. Since then i have moved somewhere else where she can't hurt me. I am so angry at my dad and her for what she did to me. I am mad at my dad because he stood up for her in court and didn't believe what i said. I also am mad at him because he is still with her. I feel all of those feelings you talked about, anger, sadness and pain. I've talked about it and feel better. I just haven't talked to my step-mom in almostfive years and don't really feel like i have the courage to.
- Christina
Tuesday, Jul 22, 2008 - 2:21:35 AM
My boyfriend got me expelled from school back last september, an he didnt get in any trouble at all. He really screwed me over and since then, iv blamed myself for it. Iv done drugs an dealt with suicidal thoughts. I only got through it when i realized i needed to forgive myself. After i forgave myself, and even my ex boyfriend, was i finally able to get through everything andrealize it wasnt my fault and that i just made a dumb mistake. It made everything better and not to mention alot easier to deal with.
- Lacy
Tuesday, Jul 22, 2008 - 1:57:16 AM
Dawson you are such an inspiration.There needs to more people in this world like you;people who will care for you, help you, talk to you and not judge you for what you have done.Thanks so much your show has changes my life!
- Derrek
Monday, Jul 21, 2008 - 11:57:12 PM
Awsome Blog. I am so glad I took the time to read it this morning. I am a 32 yr old male who was Hurt by the worst hurt of all "Church Hurt" After reading this Blog I feel releived from the Pain of unforgivness and now beleive that I am ready to move forward. I just want to say that I forgive My Pastor as of this moment for the mistakes he made. May God Bless and keep him.
- Michael
Monday, Jul 21, 2008 - 11:10:31 PM
im eighteen, and i been cheated on several times in the past relationships, i never forgave them. anyways i'm with a great guy now but i keep thinking he will do what they did.
- paige
Monday, Jul 21, 2008 - 8:52:29 PM
Yea i know i need to forgive but its really hard when people use you then walk away and the person dose not care if they hurt you i think its really hard to forgive well for me since ive been hur do many times
- Brian
Monday, Jul 21, 2008 - 7:48:13 AM
Alright, I need to admit this. It has been holding me back for so long, I still want to be with Eric. I know I can't and the stupid things he has done don't help. When I was with him he made me feel really good, like it was just me there and the rest of the world was gone. Now that I don't have him with me, or know where he is for that matter, I feel so away from myself.
I find myself so tired all the time, and I didn't know why at first. Now that I think about it, I started getting more and more tired the day I found out that Eric had run away from his Group Home. I am not really sure why I feel like this, and I could be wrong about why I am feeling so tired, but all I remember is that it started around the time that I found out he left.
Am I so emotionally attached to him that I can't even be awake for a full day without thinking of him. I can't help that he is in my heart, and I can't help that I still really love him. So I guess I should just try to get help, but from who? I can't talk to my mom about him because she gets so mad for even bringing him up. I can't talk to my sister because she will just say to let it go, like she did before.
the people I really want to talk about this with my mom won't let me talk to. It is like all my pain these days comes back to either my mother or Eric. Now I am no expert but I am sure that is not a good thing. How do I overcome the fear of telling my mother how I truly feel, if every time I get up the courage she says she doesn't want to hear it.
The point to all of this is, that I have not yet forgiven Eric for cheating on me then just expecting me to understand. What he did hurt me, and the fact that I still love him hurts even worse. I have also not forgiven my mother for many things, but the one thing that is most important is that she didn't believe me when I told her I was molested my one of her friends. She never even had a second conversation with me. I still rememebr her words, "It never happened, you just want attention, don't ever bring this up again!" That was that. I don't know how to forgive that.
- Codyann
Monday, Jul 21, 2008 - 12:41:44 AM
I reallly struggle with forgiveness.. I hate it.!! Its so hard to forgive when you cant forget..
- Tiffany
Monday, Jul 21, 2008 - 12:27:01 AM
dawson i have a hardtime forgiving others but i also have been abused for 6 and a half years by my step mom i said the same thing i will never forgive her or my dad for letting her do that to me and my younger brother she litterly about killed us one more month we could've died til this day i still have not forgave them and i dont think i ever will and it is 5 years later.
- heather
Sunday, Jul 20, 2008 - 11:08:17 PM
I'm a soon to be 17 year old girl who has been through alot and I've had a hard time forgiving some people. This has really opened my eyes on a few things that I have had trouble forgiving and forgeting. So thank you for everything you do, I listen every sunday night. I might call one day, haven't had the courage yet. Take care!
-Netasha, from TN.
- Netasha
Sunday, Jul 20, 2008 - 10:42:21 PM
I was always good to forgive someone because if I hold a grudge, it soon devours my positive being. It is a way to feel good about someone or a situation, without resorting to vengance or self-inflicted hurt and just letting your heart and mind "get over it." To put it frankly.
- Rachel
Sunday, Jul 20, 2008 - 10:26:05 PM
Hi iM DOUG i have a
normle life i like your show keep it up.
DOUG
- DOUG
Sunday, Jul 20, 2008 - 10:14:10 PM
I am a 36 year old woman, with four childen. I have been married for years, and just found out a few months ago my husband was cheating on me, and fell in love with his lover. It was a horrible experience. I felt betrayed,like I was so easy to throw away. I decided to forgive him. But I really did not forgive him, I just thought I did, if that makes any sense.. we were fighting ever day, and I fely bad, and very insecure.. up until a week ago, I decide to really "forgve" and let it all go, and it is amazing how much better I feel. we are now getting along, I feel happy, and much more like myself. The reason I write this is to forgive is to realy let things go.. not to think you are but to really do it. I am so glad I did.
- kim
Sunday, Jul 20, 2008 - 11:21:50 AM
i think everyone should forgive
- unknown
Sunday, Jul 20, 2008 - 11:18:49 AM
I struggle with forgiveness. I was engaged to a lady who I thought was the "one". we dated for 2 yrs and were going to marry. I find out that she has been cheating on me for the last 6 months of our realtionship with a co-worker of mine. This completly distroyed me. I lost all trust in people. I have strayed from God. And almost lost my job that I love. She left me with all the bills that we had accumilated together during the realtionship. It is hard for me to forgive her because she lied to me for so long. I was under the impresssion that we were fine and going to marry, but yet she is living this completly seperate life. This tore me part. I am very bitter and I hold a strong grudge against her. I know that this is tearing my life apart and I need to let go of the hate in my heart and forgive her,It is just so hard. I almost don't feel like I should forgive her, yet I am the one hurting because of it.
- justin
Saturday, Jul 19, 2008 - 2:17:56 PM
well, forgiveness, comes form the inside out, although, most people can say i cant never forvide them for what they did, although it may take a bit of time, everyone can forgive, sometimes it may be harder for yoouto do this, but it will be all worth it in the long run.
with out forgiveness, theres no happiness in,life...
this topic is a very good one, most people can relate to this as i can, the hardest thinf i have ever had to do was forgive someone that totally ripped my heart from my chest,i was given teh chance to see that true love does exist, in a world where most dont believe it does.i was given an opportunity to date someone that i thought was a wonderful person, and i figured, "wow" i have my one true love, that was until later i was told that they was on probation, and for what stumped me, cause that information was a rock dropping on me. i thought" no way" no way was right, after o found out why, i was devasted, the reason was they nearly stabbed their ex boy friend to death.i was in shock, and thought i was used, and lied to and i said that i couldnt never forgive them for this, but i was wrong, i fouond out that it was just as easy to forgoive them, than it was to be mad at them and today we r the bestest of friends, and id never do anytthing ot jeapordize that, so all in all forgiveness, isn't as hard you think.......
- christopher trivett
Saturday, Jul 19, 2008 - 2:17:00 PM
if you forgive someone or someone for gives you can make everyone including yourself feel better.
- danika
Saturday, Jul 19, 2008 - 2:16:46 PM
GOOD JOB KEEP IT UP
- DOUG
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