For the last couple of weeks we have been talking about the whole concept of forgiving others. This is obviously an extremely important issue. Everybody has somebody they need to forgive. The spirit of unforgiveness and bitterness toward those who have hurt us is poison to our soul and destroys any chance for a life of peace and happiness.
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Forgiving takes time—the greater the hurt, the greater the time. | I received a comment from a girl named Stormie whose father had hurt her by having an affair. What she said stopped me in my tracks. She said, “I know it takes too much energy to stay p***ed off at someone.” She’s absolutely right. Millions of people are emotionally and spiritually exhausted because they refuse to forgive. Stormie ended her comment by saying, “You have helped me make the choice to forgive him and let him back into my life of trust. Thank you so much.”
Many people are confused about what forgiveness is and how one actually forgives another. The best way I can see how to explain this is to continue last week’s blog and further define what forgiveness is not.
READ LAST WEEK’S BLOG HERE
To remind you, here’s the list we started last week.
WHAT FORGIVENESS IS NOT
Myth #1. To forgive is to forget.
Myth #2. To forgive is to excuse or ignore the offender's actions.
Myth #3. Forgiveness will automatically fix the relationship between you and the person who hurt you.
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The rewards of forgiving so far outweigh the challenge of letting go of your desire to get even. | Let’s continue the list…
Myth #4. To forgive, I must feel forgiving. So many of us base what we do on what we feel. We let our feelings dictate just about everything we do. That is a huge mistake. Many things we must do as an act of our will. If we act right, our feelings will follow. Forgiving someone is actually an act of the will. It's a choice you make, not a feeling you have to stir up. We forgive others not based on our feelings, but because it is the right thing to do. It carries with it tremendous consequences for good or for bad. So forgive, even if you don’t feel like it. In time, you’ll be so glad you did.
Myth #5. When I forgive I only have to do it once. It is only natural to
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We forgive because it’s the right thing to do. In forgiving we let God deal with the results. | want to have some kind of emotional moment where we forgive and then everything is wonderful from that point on. This is usually not the case. I have talked with many people who, after making a genuine commitment to forgive someone, have had those same feelings of hurt, anger and resentment come over them again. Forgiving someone is a process. Forgiving and healing takes time—the greater the hurt, the greater the time. As somebody once said, "When an offense from the past stings the memory again, the act of forgiveness is chosen again."
Jenn wrote to me and shared her struggle with forgiveness: “I've heard people who say that sometimes you have to keep on forgiving a person. My question is are you really forgiving them then? I mean, sometimes I say yeah I forgive them, and other days it's like I'm so mad I just want to get even. It goes back and forth like that.” Jenn’s right in her thinking that forgiving someone isn’t just a one-time occurrence. You don’t need to tell the person who hurt you that you forgive them every time you feel the pain they have caused. But you do need to continually commit to forgive when those ugly, toxic emotions come back to haunt you again.
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The spirit of unforgiveness and bitterness toward those who have hurt us is poison to our soul. | Myth #6. Forgiveness will make everything be the same again. Many people think once they forgive someone everything will be beautiful, much like it was before the other person hurt them. The truth is, even if you forgive someone, and the relationship is healing, things still will never be the same again. They may be much better, but never the same again. In fact, when you forgive someone, the other person won’t always respond to you the way you want them to. But remember, forgiving others is an act of the will where we give up our rights to get even. We forgive because it’s the right thing to do. In forgiving we let God deal with the results.
Realistically, forgiving is not forgetting, avoiding, or excusing what has happened to you. You don’t have to feel forgiving to forgive someone. And just because you forgive someone, it doesn’t mean you won’t have to keep forgiving them. It’s also unrealistic to expect things to go back exactly the way they were.
In spite of these things, we must forgive. No one said forgiving others is easy. It is not. But the rewards of doing so far outweigh the challenge of letting go of your desire to get even. Someone once said, "Not to forgive imprisons me in the past and locks out all potential for change. I thus yield control to another, my enemy, and doom myself to suffer the consequences of the wrong."
Cindy summed it up well: “Everyone deserves to be forgiven. If you want forgiveness for yourself, then you must forgive others. No one is perfect, and everyone will do wrong in their lifetime. To be able to forgive is the hardest lesson learned.”
Next week we're going to talk about what happens when you forgive, and what happens when you don't. Please send me your stories of forgiveness and how your life has been changed by forgiving someone, or possibly by not forgiving.
Wednesday, Aug 6, 2008 - 6:00:48 PM
forgiveness is giving up your right at revenge at the person who has hurt you. people often say forgive and forget and that bugs me bc you can forgive someone but the hurt can always stay in your mind. i was always the kid that got picked on in jr. high. i've had to forgive a lot of high schoolers in my time.
- brittany
Tuesday, Aug 5, 2008 - 6:49:39 PM
Forgiveness is so hard. I have been dealing with this forgiveness thing but we need to forgive yourself first. Then knowing to forgive others. After i have forgiven my self it is so much better then you can work on so much more with forgiveness!
- olivia shaw
Tuesday, Aug 5, 2008 - 3:11:22 AM
It seems like forgiveness is such a hard topic for people to grasp. About 2 1/2yrs ago I was forgiven by my Saviour Jesus Christ, I was a cutter for a long time, when I made a choice to let God forgive me, my heart felt like a warm fire inside, my eyes were filled with tears and I could feel something just come off me like I was carrying a heavy load on my back, I could feel God just take it and carry it for me saying that I don't have to suffer anymore. It was something that is very hard to explain. I was sexually abused a short time after that, I was so mad and angry, it felt like I was putting that load back on my shoulders and cattying it around again, but I remembered just as my Heavenly Father took that weight off my shoulders I needed to do the same again. I made a choice that I wasn't going to carry this around any longer and I forgave him for what he did, but I did it saying that hey, I don't need to carry this around on me any more, I don't want the extra weight, so I am making a choice to forgive you and keep forgiving. Like you said Dawson forgiving takes time. It doesn't happen just once and it's over with. But I am letting my Heavenly Father take it from my hands and letting him handle it. It is not my place to punish him, and I certaintly don't need to punish my self by holding on to that hurt and anger. God will punish accordingly.
- Jenn
Tuesday, Aug 5, 2008 - 3:10:24 AM
About two years ago my whole family went on vacation to Mexico. We go there every year for christmas and we all stay in my grandmother's house. the last night there, they made me and some cousins stay in the living room due to space. I ended up have to sleep next to my guy cousin. BIG MISTAKE... i was sexually abused by him. I was so scared that i kepted quit and didin't tell anyone about it not even my mom. Six months later i told my mom because i couldn't take it any longer. I talked to her and my grandma and the answer that i got from my grandma was it was my fault!!! I don't understand why its my fault i didn't want to be sexually abused.. to make matters worse this past year when i went to Mexico, he kepted stocking me.. everywhere i went he was there.. and its really affecting me because i can't live my life...and know he's coming to live here in my area. I'm really scared...i don't know what to do...
- Natalie
Tuesday, Aug 5, 2008 - 2:59:37 AM
My boyfriend and I are having problems in our relationship. He brought up the other day that he had a talk with his friend about my "treating him badly." The friend that he had talked to we do not get along very well, but for my boyfriend's sake we try to be friends, well, at least not enimies. I believe he does not want us together, but my boyfriend and I always say " I love you with all my heart, forever and ever, no matter what." Now he does not say " Forever and ever" or " No matter what." I don't know if he has lost hope in our relationship or what.I realize that I have done wrong in the past and should have been a better girlfriend, more importantly a best friend to him. After that conversation, I cried and then truely realized how much I love him and want to be together for the rest of our lives. I know that I've hurt him and hope over all this will make our relationship stronger, but it's been a fiew days and it still seems awkward and that one wrong thing will end the relationship. This conversation between us was all over the phone and in text messages. He is coming to my house in a day or two and I just don't know what is going to happen when we talk face-to-face. I love him with all my heart and want to say the right thing to him but I don't know what the right thing is. Any suggestions on how I can get his forgiveness and earn his trust back, I've said sorry too many times to count and am completly willing to change for the better and not give his friends reasons to say " I treat him badly." He is giving me another chance and I don't want to lose him, for it would destroy my world. I can't imagine my life without him. Please help.
- Rebecca
Tuesday, Aug 5, 2008 - 2:52:42 AM
dawson you really do change people lives i belive
your blog is really true
- marquesha b.
Tuesday, Aug 5, 2008 - 2:46:02 AM
I am struggling so hard right now with forgiveness towards my sons father. We met about 4 yrs ago and were together on and off for 3 yrs and I ended up pregnant. He took it so hard when he found out. He is a very selfish person and it was and still is at times hard for him to put our now 11 month old son first. My problem is we've been through so much since he was born including court and his recent x-g/f. We have now made it through alot and are pretty good friends but i've always wanted to be more. My first initial feeling when I met him was that this was the man I was going to marry one day, no doubt about it. Little did I know it would turn into yrs of heartache. Now, were trying to start dating but I cannot wrap my head around the things that he's done. We struggled with custody and his g/f controlling his every move regarding our son. He wasn't allowed to come to my apt. and pick him up, I had to go down the street to my parents if he wanted to see him. It has gotten tremendously better since she went back to her husband but the fact that he let her control him and hurt me like that feels beyond repair. He brought her to our court date for heaven sakes. It was NEVER any of her business and I think he did it out of spite. He wants to start fresh and put everything behind us and as great as it sounds i'm still really hurt by everything that was done. I know you and someone else might be asking if there was anything I did that was the least bit kinieving and the answer is no. All I ever did that made him angry was file papers when our son was 3 months old because he did a disapearing act and never called or came to see his son let alone help with diapers and clothing. Now, hes paying child support and like I said everything is great but 2 months ago it was still a train wreck. Forgiveness is so hard when yrs of damage has been done. I fell in love with him 4 yrs ago and I will always love him but forgiving him will take awhile. I dont hate him and it doesn't take all this energy not to forgive him I just cannot trust him right now.
- Elizabeth
Monday, Aug 4, 2008 - 7:34:48 PM
I was sexually abused two years ago by someone whom I have known my whole life. I remember not feeling any resentment towards him at first- it was a delayed reaction. But once I recognized it, it ate me alive. I was so angry. I treated everyone who cared about me like crap, solely because I didn't know what to do with my anger. It wasn't until much later that I realized that I had the capacity to forgive him. It was like someone had lifted this huge weight off of my shoulders. I felt alive again. Yes, I still get angry at him when I think about what happened, and sometimes, I have to "re-forgive" him, but I am starting to learn how much enegry it takes to hate someone. Why should I continue to let him ruin my life?
- Amanda
Monday, Aug 4, 2008 - 5:57:25 PM
To me it is harder said then done. People can tell you all the time to forgive someone, but how can you do that when they have cause you pain and have hurt you in some sort of way. I am the type of person that can hold a grudge and i wont tell someone i forgive them until they apologize to me and even then sometimes i wont forgive. I have forgiven a lot of people in the past and they just go on and do the same thing again. It depends on what they did to me to know if i wil forgive them or not. A couple of days ago I got into a fight with like 3 of m good friends I forgave 2 of them, even though they have screwed me over i dont know how many times! But 1 of them i cant forgive and there is a part of me that would like to forgive her, but i cant it is just too hard!!! Now I catch myself just thinking about it and i know if i was to forgive her things would get better, but for some reason i cant!!!
- Lori
Monday, Aug 4, 2008 - 1:32:11 AM
I had a problem forgiving a girl I was friends with for 3 years. Last year over the summer we were so close everything was great we signed u to play soccer together any everything. But then she started dating a guy named Nate. It started with her just ditching me at soccer practice but i didn't really think much about it, till her mom came to practice looking for her. She has a past of depression, doing drugs and being bi-polar, i thought for sure she had ran away. she ignored all my texts and i called my other friend N@ and she let me know she called her house and she was home. That's when it all started. I knew lots of her boyfriends but yet this one was a total loser, he's 19 no job, not in school, no car, no license not even a permit, living with his mom, and he thinks he's a tough gangster. Trust me he's like a midget and he could hardly hurt a fly. But then her sweet 16 was coming and I was still mad at her for ditching me but i felt bad cuz N@ refused to go to her party and i felt bad she was going to be a loner on her birthday so I begged my parents to let her got. They didn't want me to go they knew she wasn't a good friend but yet I went. We had fun but the next week was my birthday and I was having a big party at the Hilton and I invited my closes friends. Not at one point did she hang with me. She was always sitting with Nate instead of partying with me. It p***ed me off so bad. But more it hurt me. I was with her on her special day but she couldn't be wit me. She got up to leave because my friends told her to go, because she was just causing pain to me, I went up to her and I said I could b***h you out right now but you know wat it's my day so just leave. Our friendship died after that, and i miss it. Me and my friend N@ tried working it out but she told us she needed a new start with new friends so we backed off and told her if she wanted us back she knew where to find us. Sadly I was friends with who she hung out with and when she saw me she told me that i needed to work things out with my friend because she was annoyed that she tagged along with her. I felt bad for her but she made her decision.I had it my head that I needed her. So like two months ago I started saying hello to her, being there for her and everything. When I needed her she'd tlk to me through things. She was going through a tough time with Nate since he ws just being a jerk to her so i tried convincing her that she could move on. She posted a bulletin on Myspace saying she sent me a text message just saying how she needs friends and stuff and I told her that I could be the one she could go to talk to if she needed it. And she said that I know her past, she's hurt me before, which technically she said "Hey you know too much about me I need people who don't me to be my friends." I don't get why I forgave her and let her back into my life to stab me and now again we aren't talkin.
- Amy
Sunday, Aug 3, 2008 - 11:22:22 PM
A good story to add to this is about someone forgiving me. Early in my relationship with my current boyfriend (I'll call him Bob), I cheated on him. We started dating in high school and it seemed like as soon as I entered college, I went haywire and cheated on him within the first week I was gone. I immediately felt awful about it and regretted doing it. Not too long after it happened, I told Bob what I had done and how I felt about it, and he was very understanding and he forgave me.
Looking back on this two years later, I realize that we were (and are still in) a very loving relationship because forgiving someone after betraying them is VERY hard to do, but he was willing to do that for me and work on keeping our relationship strong. I should have noticed this sooner, and I feel horrible for causing him the heartache that I did, but I'm thankful that we manage to work through our problems.
The reason why I'm sharing this story is because it might help to think about how you would feel if someone forgave you if you are trying to forgive someone else. When I look back on how thankful and lucky I was to be with someone as thoughtful and caring and understanding as Bob, who had the strength to look beyond my stupid mistake, it makes it easier to give other people a second chance if they hurt me because I want people to feel how I felt, because it feels wonderful to be forgiven. Just remember to respect their feelings from now on and learn from your mistake.
- Vicki
Sunday, Aug 3, 2008 - 11:05:12 PM
For some reason, forgiveness is very hard and frustrating to me. Instead of only having to forgive one or two people in my life, I have several. My brother, whom which is only 2 years older than me, drinks and smokes pot on a daily basis. My parents have tried many things to help him, but it seems as though he doesn't want the help and he's not going to change until he does. I feel as though he's ruined my reputation at school and ruined my friendships and relationship with my friends and family. But, you have to forgive. Recently, I've chosen to do so. I feel so much better and feel like nothing can get in my way. Just try it. :] I still have other people to forgive, but I'm just taking it one step at a time and one person at a time.
- Susan
Sunday, Aug 3, 2008 - 10:04:02 PM
I have a problem forgiving this one person. He tends to push me away and tell me that he can no longer talk to me because his girlfriend and the time says so. Him and I had nothing going on as far as an intimate relationship just a friendship but some how he always listens to his now ex-girlfriend. A year later he called me, I didn't know what to do.
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Sunday, Aug 3, 2008 - 2:41:00 AM
I had a troubling child hood. My parents got divorced and chose their new partners over me. I went between houses a lot, because their partners didn't like me.
From my 6th grade year till my Freshmen year in High School, I lived with my father and step mother. It was horrible. My step mother was really abusive. Verbally, emotionally, and physically. I got out of that situation just to be thrown into another bad situation with my mother and step dad. When I was 16, my dad left my step mother, and saw everything that she did. I forgave him and now I have my dad back.
But it was a hurdle to get over when it came to forgiving my step mother. I couldn't face her without breaking down. I couldn't do it. It all went away when I finally forgave her. When I realized that she doesn't have that kind of hold over me anymore, and I don't have the strength to hold a grudge anymore.
I forgave her, not for her, but for me. I feel a lot better. I can now talk to new people. I can now look them in the eye [[which is something she never allowed me to do, because she thought I wasn't good enough]]
It can be done. It may not be easy, but it can be done. It's a lot healthier for someone to forgive what others have done to them, than to just hold that grudge.
- Anonymous
Sunday, Aug 3, 2008 - 12:26:26 AM
A few months ago i came in contact with my biological father by accident. He abused my mom brother and me untill my mom decide to leave him. He was so apologetic but the pain that he left me with hurt like hell. I spent 12yrs wondering when i would get a phone call to say happy x mas or happy b-day.He hasnt explained why he can be a father to his new child but he couldnt to me or my brother. Or why he never cared.Now i live with my loving step dad who is more of a father than my ACTUAL dad,and my strong mother.Forgiveness can be done and it should.Dont spend your life hating the one who screwed you over...Move on and be thankful of what you have overcome.
- vivian
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