I have been blogging about the most powerful, yet seemingly impossible, thing you will ever have to do in a relationship—Forgiving someone who has truly hurt you. At first glance, one could easily think forgiving others is not an option--especially for those who have been deeply violated. That is because forgiving someone goes against our basic human nature to seek revenge, or to punish those who have hurt us. Even though it might seem like the most impossible thing to do--¬yes, it is extremely difficult--but it's possible. All things are possible with God’s help.

Click here to read my previous blogs about forgiveness.

Forgiving someone who has hurt you is a powerful tool to get you on the road to wholeness and healthy living.

Someone anonymously commented about a painful childhood at the hands of an abusive stepmother, and the power of forgiveness to heal their relationship. “When I realized that she doesn't have that kind of hold over me anymore, and I don't have the strength to hold a grudge anymore, I forgave her, not for her, but for me. I feel a lot better. I can now talk to new people. I can now look them in the eye (which is something she never allowed me to do, because she thought I wasn't good enough). It can be done. It may not be easy, but it can be done. It's a lot healthier for someone to forgive what others have done to them, than to just hold that grudge.”

You will never regret forgiving those who have violated you in some way. J.P. agrees forgiveness is a major challenge, but well worth it: “Forgiveness is tough for many including me. I recently started to forgive people who have done me wrong; a past girlfriend who cheated on me, and an ex-finance who cheated on me with four other guys. I've been single for six years because of what she did! Because of this forgiveness I've been having better relationship with my mom and family, and everybody else!”

While the positive outcome of forgiving someone is great, there are serious consequences for those who refuse to forgive. In fact, choosing not to forgive can drastically and severely affect nearly every area of your life.

Let’s take a look at what happens when you choose not to forgive.

By holding onto that desire to get even, you continually drink the toxic poison of unforgiveness, hoping to get back at the person who hurt you.

I have heard it said that holding onto unforgiveness is like continually drinking rat poison, hoping the rat will die. By holding onto the desire to get even, you continually drink the toxic poison of unforgiveness, hoping to get back at the person who hurt you. Not only does it sound crazy, but it doesn’t work! Unforgiveness is like a boomerang--you can throw it at the person who has hurt you, but it eventually comes back and hits you.

Unforgiving People Can Become...
  • Prideful
  • Angry
  • Resentful
  • Bitter
  • Vengeful
  • Hostile
  • Judgmental
  • Lonely
  • Fearful
  • Joyless
  • Defensive
  • Exhausted
  • Blaming
  • Irrational
  • Violent
  • Manipulative
  • Non-Communicative
  • Self-Destructive
  • Indifferent To Helpful Advice
  • Emotionally Dead
  • Untrusting
  • Self-Absorbed
  • Negative
  • Cynical
  • Self-Righteous
  • Stubborn
  • Hopeless
  • Spiritually Bankrupt
If you are refusing to forgive someone, which of these descriptions fit you best?

Prideful people set themselves up as a higher judge than God Himself, who is continually willing and waiting to forgive.

Surely none of us would ever want any of these negative qualities to define who we are. But sadly, many people let these crippling characteristics consume their lives, simply because of pride—the root of unforgiveness. Prideful people set themselves up as even a higher judge than God Himself, who is continually willing and waiting to forgive.

That is why we often say, “When you choose to forgive, you free the offender, but more importantly, you free yourself.”

When you choose to forgive you free the offender, and more importantly, you free yourself.

Jasmine commented how forgiveness is found when you set yourself free of bitterness: “It helps you a lot! But most people, including myself, think when you forgive someone you’re helping them in some way, and not yourself. That's not true. A lot of people need to understand that forgiving someone doesn't just help the person who has hurt you. It especially helps YOU!”

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The bottom line of this blog is simple. Do yourself a big favor—FORGIVE!

So how do you go about actually forgiving someone? That’s the big question we will talk about next week. I’ll give you some really valuable and practical steps on how to forgive others. It might end up being the most important blog you will ever read.

Send me your comments about the best way you've found to forgive someone. I'd love to include yours on my list.

Saturday, Aug 16, 2008 - 7:26:18 AM
Forgivness is one of the most important things in all relationships but it's also the hardest. When you care about someone, there is a tendency to put them on a pedestal so it's not simply a fact of hurt but also being let down. Even if you forgive, you can't stop yourself from feeling. That's the hardest part for me. I still feel the anger and wonder if it will ever go away. It always does eventually. Forgiving someone is the nicest thing in the world you can do for someone and for yourself. If you don't forgive, you'll never let it go. If you do forgive, it might take sometime, but you will eventually be able to let it go.
- Elayna

Thursday, Aug 14, 2008 - 11:30:14 PM
Forgiveness is the most important thing, without a doubt. In my last relationship, things ended badly, for which I completely blame myself (even though it really had nothing to do with me). During the last few days of school, I went up to him and asked for forgiveness. He refused...he pushed me away...he waved me away. For which I am still killing myself over months later. If you ever have the opportunity to forgive someone, it is the kindest thing you could ever do for both them and yourself. Feeling an internal peace about things is vital.
- Ashley

Wednesday, Aug 13, 2008 - 1:09:05 AM
I always have the mind to forgive someone, and I do. What if that person did something shady and you forgive her but yet you have the mind to take forget her. Is that the right thing to do?
-

Tuesday, Aug 12, 2008 - 10:35:28 PM
Dawson, wat if someone forgives the person but they dont forget wat happened, then you have another burden to carry
- Eunice

Tuesday, Aug 12, 2008 - 2:32:58 AM
I always find it easy to forgive some one who has hurt me in any way as long as they say I am sorry. I find it hard when they dont say I am sorry. I know Jesus forgive us of our sins, but don't we must confess first and than ask for forgiveness?. So how can we forgive some one who can't say I am sorry I was wrong?
- Jorge

Tuesday, Aug 12, 2008 - 2:32:44 AM
My ex cheated on me, and as hard as it was, i forgave her, While losing a piece of myself at the same time. When i broke up with her, I felt free, which made it easy to forgive her.
- Shane

Tuesday, Aug 12, 2008 - 2:29:33 AM
Its hard for me to forgive people, but I walk it off eventually and take a deep breath. I like to see the good in people. Its not worth getting angry.
- Shane

Tuesday, Aug 12, 2008 - 2:28:25 AM
This blog was helpful--but I still can't forgive my mother, or myself. I'm the oldest child in my family and thirteen years old. I don't think I've ever gotten the emotional attention I needed, especially since I have three siblings--one who is only two years old right now. Maybe I'm being too dependant on my parents. I don't know. My mother has also hit me just once when I was eight years old. I'm still in the progress in forgiving her. This morning, I gave her the 'silent treatment' (a childish game, I know) and now she's giving it to me too. As you know, children give their parents the 'treatment' in order to get attention. I think I was trying to get her attention also. But in the end, she just returned my bitterness. I can't forgive her for giving me the treatment--how could she, an adult, act like that? I don't know why she doesn't see that I just want her to sit down with me and ask, 'What do you like to do? Anything bothering you?' and 'What are your dreams in life?' instead of telling me what I should be dreaming. But one thing I learned from all your blogs and your radio show was that it never helps to put the word "VICTIM" all over your face. I just don't know what do. Is there something wrong with me?
- Gina

Tuesday, Aug 12, 2008 - 1:14:20 AM
Sometimes it hard 4 me 2 4give sum1 truly when ever i gt mad @ my mom n when my mom puts me down i never 4give her i jus let it go i wil prbly never 4give wit da bits of verbale abuse n idk it seems so easy 2 keep getin mad bt she my mom n idk wat to do
- Tania R.

Tuesday, Aug 12, 2008 - 1:13:55 AM
This really has nothing to do with the blog, I could not find another way to write to you so sorry but I feel this story needs to be heard. Amina and Sarah Said were two beautiful young girls who had dearms of becoming doctors. (To let you now I did not now these beautiful angels I just found out about there story) They were great althetes and had great grades, but there father was abusive for he wanted his girls to be good muslim girls, so since these beautiful girls would not listen to him he killed them in a tax and got away. This is a short story of basically what happen, for more information please go to Amina and Sarahs myspace done by there great Aunts for more information, also sorry for using your blog for none discussion of the topic I just needed to write to you and I could not find another way sorry.
- Josh

Tuesday, Aug 12, 2008 - 1:06:44 AM
Dawson, Hey I've been listening to your show everyday because I was upset about my ex-girlfriend is getting married and then and show my Apperction to you.
- Michael

Monday, Aug 11, 2008 - 10:41:54 PM
I'm currently facing my issue of forgiveness.. It haapens to be with my husband... Hes several times before and even after we've been married has lied to me ((about everything)) and has gone behind my back on a couple different occassions and told multiple girls he wanted to be with them.. My problem is if you love someone truely love them you don't hurt them in the ways that he's hurt me... I don't know if I can forgive him... If I do, I don;t know if I can stay with him... How do I overcome this and learn to forgive him as well as myself for allowing this to happen...?
- angela

Monday, Aug 11, 2008 - 8:38:21 PM
Dawson first of full I would like to introduce you my self, I came to this country year and half ago from Ethiopia, sinse I came here, I'm listning your show, I just don't have a word to apprciate you, for what you've don for those hopless people, your show expresses every single part of aour life, may god will awared you for what are you doing, just keep doing such blessed things, thank you
- henok

Monday, Aug 11, 2008 - 2:24:40 AM
I have EXTREME problems with forgiveness. I was recently broken up with by the only guy I have ever trusted. He gave me no reason or anything. I dont think I can forgive someone who took everything from me and just threw it away.
- Mikel Ann

Monday, Aug 11, 2008 - 1:28:16 AM
ive read all your blogs on forgiveness...i just have one question tho...how do you forgive yourself?
- jennifer

Monday, Aug 11, 2008 - 12:12:02 AM
i use to be one of the ones who thought it was humanly impossible to forgive there was this guy who deeply hurt me in ways i never though possible but i recently learned to forgive him because all it did was bring me more pain than i started off with then i started building hate and resentment against this person i deeply and truly cared about. so the best thing i could do for me to be able to move on was FORGIVE HIM
- youth advocate

Sunday, Aug 10, 2008 - 11:51:52 PM
Hey Dawson!! I love this blog especially because someone really got on my bad side and broke my heart badly at the same time. It was from this dude that I thought was "the one" but I think he's in denial. I tried to tell him the truth about his feelings for me and why he did some of the things that he did in the past, but he said that I was flattering myself. I found myself able to forgive him and have stopped talking to him, but I think I have a Sixth Sense, and it's telling me to start talking to him again, but I just can't. But, more on that later. Anyway, I love your blog!! It once again tells us in an uncomplicated way the truth. Keep up the good work Dawson!!! ;)
- Cynthia

Sunday, Aug 10, 2008 - 11:07:58 PM
Your an Angel Dawson. Anyway to my point. One of m friends were raped as a child by her own father. She still hasn't forgave him. She says "It's really hard to forgive someone when they do something like that." I think she went though the pain so she could help people who have had the same thing happen later on in her life. Cause I'm one that believes Everything happens for a reason. I know myself it is harder to forgive then to stay angry, but we do have to move on because the world is not stopping because of what they did So we cannot either.
- Jessy

Sunday, Aug 10, 2008 - 10:43:38 PM
When my past relationship went to turmoil..She broke up with me and got back with her ex.I didn't think I could ever forgive her,but now I can.Life is about movin' foward,not backwards.Dawson,I love the blogs,radio show,and your website.Thanks a lot..You've helped A LOT of people who don't even know it.
- Seth

Sunday, Aug 10, 2008 - 10:30:33 PM
wow, i can relate to most of this, yes i am young but ive been through alot more than most people have, between the abuse, or people from my now past doing some thing that i wouldnt know how to forgive them for. And ive been the one in thee last years that holds grudges. Ive drifted away from my friends and most of my family. But after listening to your show ive got advice, its helping alot. from the friends in the past to me on pills or cutting. to relationships. but im glad ive found support from some one. thanks im so happy ive found some one that understand where im comeing from
- sierra

Sunday, Aug 10, 2008 - 10:06:30 PM
your amazing at wat u do nd im so glad that ur there for the people who dont have any one to tlk to! Amber
- Amber D

Saturday, Aug 9, 2008 - 5:39:53 PM
DAWSON YOUR BLOGS ARE ABSOLUTELY WONDERFUL!! they help so much and are very practical...these are very powerful andwithout them i probly wud never understand wut forgiveness is!
- emmm

Saturday, Aug 9, 2008 - 1:43:00 PM
i think when you forgive someone you still know what they did to you and your family like me i had this friend of the family but he huter my family should i forgive him and i was always picked on in school but he didnt he was nice to me too.
- Heather C.

Saturday, Aug 9, 2008 - 2:25:56 AM
Although I am fortunate to not have had to forgive anyone of large matters, here are my thoughts on how to deal with it. First, come to terms with everything that person has done to you, everything that has happened. You cannot move on until you acknowledge what has happened in the past, painful though it may be. Let all the things that have happened roll through your mind, and let them pass through. Don't try to deny feelings of anguish that you may have had. If you keep trying to smother that fire, you won't help it. Let it burn reasonably, allow yourself to experience the feelings you need to go through, then don't cling to them, let them go. Try to focus on the good things the experiences have provided you with, however tiny they may be compared with the wrongs the person has done you. If someone has treated you badly, tell yourself [not in a bitter way] that you now know better to avoid such situations again. If you have been abused, physically or mentally, it makes you a better person in a way, because you will never treat any other of God's creations so badly because you know how it feels. Reason things out in your head, and tell youself that this has become a part of who you are, and allow yourself to draw from it. Go proactive and use your experiences to help others. In doing so, you might help to save yourself.
- Jane

Friday, Aug 8, 2008 - 11:15:39 PM
I felt so Negitive a lot because its hard for me to cope with a lot. But Some times i try to let it out so my emotions bulit in but now i just relax and be calm at times
- George M. JR

Friday, Aug 8, 2008 - 10:54:28 PM
Sometimes the hurt from the harm someone has done you is so big you cannot forgive on your own. I tried to put it aside, to rationalize it, even to blame myself for it. It was poisoning my spirit. Then one night I cried out to God realizing that this burden was too big for me alone. I laid the pain and anger and hurt at His feet, and He lifted the burden from me. It was only then that I could begin breathing in God's Love and Peace and move on. That began the first true healing I experienced. God's forgiving Grace is truly a miracle. Unforgiveness chains us to the past and corrupts our future. I had struggled for several years with this destructive hurt by trying to "handle" it myself, but my life just wasn't working anymore. Only when I surrendered it ALL to the Lord was I set free from it.
- Karen

Friday, Aug 8, 2008 - 8:10:31 PM
I've had a lot of people come into my life, hurt me, and leave, just like that. I can forgive them, but it's sometimes harder to forget what they've done. I think my greatest fear is becoming or meeting someone were to not be able to forgive everyone who had hurt them and move along,they would live a hard life, because they probably wouldn't be able to get new friends and would be more self-centered and cautious with people, like Dawson said.
- Sierra