Over my last several blogs we have been taking an in-depth journey through the difficult topic of forgiveness. I say difficult because forgiving someone who has deeply hurt you is no doubt the hardest challenge you will ever face. But deciding to forgive someone who has deeply hurt you is also, unquestionably, one of the most important choices you will ever make.
(Read my previous blogs on forgiveness here)
This week, I’m going to walk with you step-by-step through how you can actually forgive someone. I truly believe this is the most important blog I’ve ever written. Because in the end, this is not simply for the person you are forgiving. Forgiveness is for God, first. For you, second. And for the person who has hurt you, third. So let’s get this started…
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It’s time to let go of your desire to get even with this other person. | STEP ONE: Write down the name of the person you have chosen to forgive. Underneath that name, think of the many things you have done for which you need forgiveness and write them down. When we realize how much we need to be forgiven for all the wrongs we have done, it makes it easier to show mercy to those who have hurt us. Keep what you have written in front of you as you go through this process.
STEP TWO: Realize forgiving others is a spiritual, supernatural exercise. In fact, it is impossible to truly forgive others without God’s help. God can help you forgive because not only has He forgiven tens of billions of people, He also has the power to help you, in particular. Just remember: He only helps those who admit their helplessness. You might say a simple prayer like this: God I admit I can’t forgive (insert name) with my own power. Please help me. Help me to understand how much You have forgiven me, so I can forgive the person who has hurt me.
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In the end forgiveness is for God, first. For you, second. And for the perpetrator, third. | Karen commented on how she has lived this out: “The hurt from the harm someone has done you is so big you cannot forgive on your own. I tried to put it aside, to rationalize it, even to blame myself for it. It was poisoning my spirit. Then one night I cried out to God realizing that this burden was too big for me alone. I laid the pain and anger and hurt at His feet, and He lifted the burden from me. It was only then that I could begin breathing in God's love and peace and move on.”
STEP THREE: You can’t truly forgive unless you have grasped the extent of the violation that has been done against you. With the help of a counselor, minister, or another professional, you need to seek to understand what happened to you when you were hurt and why it hurts so much.
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When we realize we can be forgiven for everything we have ever done, it is then we are able to begin forgiving the people in our lives who have hurt us. | Jane sent me some great advice: “Let all the things that have happened roll through your mind, and let them pass through. Don't try to deny feelings of anguish that you may have had. If you keep trying to smother that fire, you won't help it. Allow yourself to experience the feelings you need to go through, then don't cling to them, let them go. Try to focus on the good things the experiences have provided you with, however tiny they may be compared with the wrongs the person has done to you.”
STEP FOUR: Now it’s time to make the big decision to surrender. Let go of your deep desire to get even with the person who has violated you. Come up with a prayer or statement announcing your decision. Here’s an example: “By an act of my will, and God’s power, I give up my rights to get even with (insert name). I make a commitment that when those sordid feelings come over me again, I will release them. I won’t babysit them. I admit the feelings are real, but I choose not to be controlled by them any longer. Instead I will dwell on the good things I have learned from this experience.”
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There is nothing quite like living in peace, knowing you are a forgiving person. | STEP FIVE: Make a choice to have compassion on your violator. Look at them first, as a tragedy. In one sense they should be pitied. Bottom line is, because of their violation against you they have suffered, are suffering, and in the end will suffer far more in this life, or the one to come. We’re not making excuses for them, but we’re only saying they are pathetic, and desperately need our compassion. One way to show compassion is to pray for the person who has hurt you. Jesus said, “Pray for your enemies.” He knows it is impossible to continue to pray for someone, and still hate them. Then, while you’re praying for this person, ask for a blessing in their life. Pray that good things come to them. Wish them well.
STEP SIX: Move on. It’s time to stop dwelling on what happened. By forgiving someone you’re promising not to bring it up again to use against him or her. If you are going to talk to someone about how the other person has hurt you, make sure this person is a professional or a wise person you can trust.
Jenn commented: “Forgiving takes time. It doesn't happen just once and it's over with. But I am letting [God] take it from my hands and letting Him handle it. It is not my place to punish [the guy who hurt me], and I certainly don't need to punish myself by holding on to that hurt and anger.”
In conclusion, forgiving someone who has hurt you could be the greatest challenge of your life. But if you choose to forgive, you will join those who are not being destroyed by bitterness, anger, hurt or other toxic emotions. There is nothing quite like living in peace, knowing you are a forgiving person. May God bless you as you seek to be a truly loving and forgiving person.
Next week, I want you to brag on your best friend. Tell me why this person means so much to you, as we explore what it means to be a great friend.
Wednesday, Aug 20, 2008 - 8:46:47 PM
In my life I am lucky because I have a couple best friends.I think the definition of a great friend is:A person that is there for you though thick and thin.This person is someone who is there for you when you simply just need to talk to someone.This person is someone who values your friendship and doesn't require a lot in return.This person also values what you bring into their life without having to ask for these things.This person is someone that can look at you and without you saying anything they know that something is wrong.
I do think that out of all my friends.I have only a couple friends who I consider my "best friends" because I feel that these people really do explain and saw what it means to not only be a friend but a "best friend".I feel that my other friends are needed but they fit in a different place in my life than my "best friends".
- Yevgenia
Wednesday, Aug 20, 2008 - 6:38:25 PM
i can only truly say that forgiveness is a hard thing to do without help from God. he is the only one that can lift the burden of anger, feeling of betrayal, and being lost in anguish from us. it's really cool how he calms us and gives us peace without us going through a whole lot of drama. you don't even have to confront the person about the issue, just do it and it's done.
- ingrid
Wednesday, Aug 20, 2008 - 3:14:04 AM
My best friend is a guy. This surprises many when I tell them but I see nothign wrong with it. Eric is my favorite person to talk to because he's such a great listener and can pinpoint whats wrong with me even over the phone! My female bestie can never tell when I'm not paying attention. Eric is tuned into women because everyone wants to talk to him about their problems and he never tells not even ME. That is the one reason many ppl love my Eric, he's loyal to his friends. What makes him my best friend is that he doesnt fake things with me and I know that I can completely trust him with secrets, wheather it be a crush or things going on in my family. There are things I havent even told my female best friend who I'm starting to drift apart from. Eric and I have a mutual respect at poets. We met at school in Creative Writing Class he was one of only 2 guys and the best (in my opinion)peot in teh group. I'm sure he'll be around for the rest of my life even though we're going to different colleges. Thats the hardest part of leaving high school, possibly loosing my best friend.
- Maya Jones
Wednesday, Aug 20, 2008 - 3:05:40 AM
Kyler is my best friend because he listens. No matter what is going on he is genuinely interested in how I am. He always has my back and would drop everything if I needed him.
- mari b.
Wednesday, Aug 20, 2008 - 3:04:02 AM
Hey Dawson,
I love ur shows, i have them on my ipod and i listen to them every night. I ve hurt someone and i don't know if they could ever forgive me, and its been bout 4 years and they don't really talk to me and they're family...Will they ever forgive me or shuld i just keep my distance. Plz email me back
- Amanda
Wednesday, Aug 20, 2008 - 3:03:05 AM
Hey Dawson!
I love this new blog because I've been trying to learn how to forgive my father truely. I've told him that I've forgiven him but I didn't really forgive him truely until I ready your blog. So thanks a lot!
- Becca
Wednesday, Aug 20, 2008 - 3:02:29 AM
Forgiving someone is probably the most difficult thing for any person to do in my opinion, especially when it's easy to upset them. Like, for example, my best friend in the whole world used to be my worst enemy. I had been getting out of depression and she did not make the process any easier for me. She said that I made her depressed because I chose not to talk to her. I got even more angry, and she could say anything and I would be in berserk mode. But she would always forgive me and compliment me, even when I said such rude things about her. She even gave me a present for Christmas! So eventually I learned to forgive her mistakes, as well as my own for treating her so bad, and now we are closer then close.
Dawson, your show teaches me more and more on how to make yourself a better person, and I have to thank you for everything you've done in my life, whether you realize you've done it or not.
- Jenette
Wednesday, Aug 20, 2008 - 2:38:13 AM
i wouldnt know because the people who try to be my friends i also end up pushing them away or pushing my problems on them and i love and care for the ones that hurt me and treat the ones that care about me like crap and so i guess i will never know the answer to the ? because i dont even know how to make friends and keep them
- Lisa Rose
Wednesday, Aug 20, 2008 - 2:18:29 AM
My best Friend is Kirsten.She means so much to me because not only does she love the Lord with all her heart but she also has the perfect friend traits. She is always there whenever I need anything. I can call her or talk to her about anything and she always knows exactly what to say. When I am crying she is just there to hug me and tell me its going to be okay even before she knows whats going on and even when its not okay.She is always encouraging me in all I do and always just compliments me. We have been friends for like 5 years but it feels like forever. She knows my good side and my not so good side and still loves me through everything I go through. There is never a dull moment when im with her.
She Loves Me Despite My Failures and Wrongs!!
- Kaitlyn
Wednesday, Aug 20, 2008 - 1:51:01 AM
hi im posting about my bestfriend brenda the reason why she is my bestfriend she listens to me and i listen to here we are there when each other is down so we are realy good friends to each other thanks for listening great show
- josh d.
Wednesday, Aug 20, 2008 - 1:25:25 AM
Hey Dawson,
I love listening to your show. I live in Canada but i listen online every sunday night. It's great, it makes me feel like i am not alone.
If i lived in America, i most likely would have called in already, but by listening it relly helps.
Thank You Dawson!
- Lauren
Wednesday, Aug 20, 2008 - 12:29:49 AM
Hi Dawson! I'd like to genuinely thank you for being such an amazing help in mine, and others', lives. You speak words of inspiration that not only come from your heart, but from God's. Keep on keeping on :] thanks again!
- Megan
Wednesday, Aug 20, 2008 - 12:03:07 AM
My best friend, is thee most important thing in my life. I love him more than anything. We have been through so much together and yet we are still the best of friends. I would rather not live than live without him. We care about eachother and take the time to really get to know one another. We tell eachother everything. I trust him with my life. Him and I can bring out the best in eachother. We make eachother happy but being with eachother.
- rissa
Tuesday, Aug 19, 2008 - 10:42:43 PM
My best friend is my boyfriend. He is my best friend because he has been there for me even when we were not dating and i need someone to hold me he did! I can talk to him about everything we laugh all the time and he has never downed me even when i messed up. He is loyal and trust worthy! If i ever lose him as a boyfriend i know he will still be my bestfriend!!
- Samantha
Monday, Aug 18, 2008 - 6:39:40 PM
hey dawson, last night was my first time listening to your show and i'm really glad i did. even though i didn't have the guts to call afraid that the person that hurt me would hear.Im grateful us young teens or young adults have someone to turn to when we think no one truly cares.i'm fourteen years old and you have given me the hope that maybe someone out there really cares for me..thanks!
- Maranda
Monday, Aug 18, 2008 - 5:20:47 PM
hello dawson,
I'm new at listening to your show, you provide people with the right/better path, but show them the other paths. I think each and every person on your show is looking for verification, It was in their subconscience already. This blog on forgiveness helped me out, forgiving a friend that gave up on me when I needed her. Now that I'm better, I can see she is the one that needs help, and I'll try and be there for her
- Elizabeth
Monday, Aug 18, 2008 - 2:54:25 AM
I am so glad you have this blog. I felt confused, and needed this blog to truly understand what forgiveness is. I believe that now I can live happier by forgiving myself and my past doings. Thank you; I am forever grateful! :D
- Alicia
Monday, Aug 18, 2008 - 1:52:47 AM
hey dawson, I love your show. I haven't really needed to talk to you or any of your councelers, but whenever I have a problem doesn't matter how big or small it is just by listining to your show and listening to the advise you give all the people tha need you, it just makes me feel better. I love the desire you have to help people with real problems.
I know that whenever I have a problem I can always count on you because that how you make me feel. thank you sooo much for all you do!
- carmen
Sunday, Aug 17, 2008 - 11:25:27 PM
Hey Dawson!! I love this blog and all your other one's to. Because once again, you tell us in an uncomplicated way the truth, and you spell it out word-for-word. Great job!! Keep up the great work!!
P.S.: May need to talk later in the future.
Thanks Dawson. :)
- Cynthia
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