I thought I’d blog on a topic few ever talk about, much less practice, but is incredibly important to our sense of peace and happiness. Let’s talk about how to seek forgiveness when you have hurt someone. When we hurt someone, we undoubtedly cause a broken relationship. Broken relationships are not healed without someone seeking or offering forgiveness.

We are most comfortable around others who are comfortable in their own skin. So just be yourself.

Alex wrote me about a horrible situation she got into, one that leaves her craving forgiveness, even if she’s not sure what will happen if she asks for it: “One night I made a mistake that I can never take back and it is killing me. I slept with my boyfriend’s twin brother and I am now two months pregnant with his child. I don’t know how to tell my boyfriend because I don’t know if he will be able to forgive me and I love him so much and he means the world to me.”

Most people never attempt to heal broken relationships because they refuse to take responsibility for their own actions, and it forces them to come face to face with their own pride. It’s hard to admit you have done something wrong and put yourself at the mercy of others. We’ve all seen people try to squirm their way out of a difficult confrontation about something painful they’ve done. The most insecure people use denial or blaming others to escape from having to wake up to their own failure. Being humble is the key to experiencing forgiveness and healing.

Humble yourself; it’s your first step toward being forgiven.

Vicki wrote this story about needing forgiveness: “Early in my relationship with my current boyfriend I cheated on him. I immediately felt awful about it and regretted doing it. Not too long after it happened, I told him what I had done and how I felt about it, and he was very understanding and he forgave me. Looking back on this two years later, I realize that we were (and are still in) a very loving relationship because forgiving someone after betraying them is VERY hard to do, but he was willing to do that for me and work on keeping our relationship strong.”

SO HOW DO YOU SEEK FORGIVENESS FROM SOMEONE YOU HAVE HURT?

STEP 1: Admit to yourself you have hurt another person. As painful as it is, you have to come to the place where you admit you’re guilty, no excuses. Asking someone to forgive you requires a broken heart and a willingness to repair the damage you have done. It’s not just saying, “Forgive me if you think I happened to have done something wrong.”


You need to understand the amount of pain you have caused, and accept responsibility for it.

STEP 2: Talk to God. Ask him to forgive you for what you’ve done and to give you strength to talk to the person you’ve hurt. God is very interested in you seeking forgiveness. Jesus said something very powerful about the urgency and the need to seek forgiveness: “If you enter your place of worship and, about to make an offering, you suddenly remember a grudge a friend has against you, abandon your offering, leave immediately, go to this friend and make things right. Then and only then, come back and work things out with God.” (Matthew 5:24)

STEP 3: Ask for forgiveness from the person you hurt. If you are going to meet in person, you may want to write down your apology, and then practice saying it out loud until you are completely comfortable with it. What to say? Be honest. Don’t apologize just to make an uncomfortable situation go away. You need to clearly explain what you are sorry for, without making any excuses. You might need to find a third party to help you—especially if it’s difficult to talk face to face, you may need a peacemaker who can help bring some objectivity to the conversation.

Don’t expect him or her to immediately jump up with joy (or forgiveness) the moment you apologize.

STEP 4: Let the other person respond to you without getting defensive. You may need to give the other person time to sort out their feelings. Don’t expect him or her to immediately jump up with joy (or forgiveness) the moment you apologize. It is important, if possible, to make sure the person you have hurt says “Yes, I do forgive you.” In so doing, they are saying, “I’m not going to keep bringing it up or hold what you’ve done over your head.” Sometimes when you seek forgiveness, a lot of people will then turn around and seek forgiveness from you.

Even if the other person refuses to forgive you, you’ve done your part to clear your conscience and show you want to change. In time, they may come around and forgive you. The best way for you to respond is to show yourself as continually trustworthy, avoiding opportunities to slip back into the wrongful behavior. But you did the right thing by seeking forgiveness, and your new attitude and actions will be the best way to prove you are truly sorry for what happened.

The best way for you to respond is to show yourself as continually trustworthy, avoiding opportunities to slip back into the wrongful behavior.


Let’s go back to Vicki, who concludes this topic very well: “When I look back on how thankful and lucky I was to be with someone as thoughtful and caring and understanding as my boyfriend, who had the strength to look beyond my stupid mistake, it makes it easier to give other people a second chance if they hurt me because I want people to feel how I felt, because it feels wonderful to be forgiven.”



Next week I’m going to blog about 10 ways to treat a girl with respect.

Girls, please send me your comments and stories about how you know a guy is respecting you. And guys, tell me the ways you show respect to girls.

Thursday, Sep 4, 2008 - 2:32:53 AM
i'm the one who is asking foregivness from a friend
- Alyssa G.

Wednesday, Sep 3, 2008 - 8:57:58 PM
Well for one I give the peace and privacy they deserve. I also give them the upmost respect, one becuase they are easily hurt and need a sympathetic person, and a freind to help them, not just a freind someone they can trust with their life.
- Juan J. A. III

Tuesday, Sep 2, 2008 - 11:23:33 PM
Respecting a girl is doing things you don't necessarily have to do, but want to do, like opening a car door. A guy can also respect you by listening to you (that's a big one). I don't think most guys understand that we don't want to be told how to fix our problems every five seconds we are telling you our problems, we want you to LISTEN. Well, at least I do. Haha! We just want to be looked at like a human being with feelings. -Tiana
- Tiana

Tuesday, Sep 2, 2008 - 9:46:35 PM
what i think respect is to a gril is to not to take them for granted and dont treat them like trash just because they have big b**bs does not mean that you have to talk aout them and especily in front of her!!!!and trust me we can tell when yall are talking about us!!!make them feel like a human beaing and not trash!!!
- Courtney

Tuesday, Sep 2, 2008 - 9:20:48 PM
when guys dont always just want to have sex or just talk about it
- sam

Monday, Sep 1, 2008 - 8:07:19 PM
respect from a guy is not saying the wrong thing. like "uhmm why is your hair looking like that?" 'cause that's offending. and opening a door for her and sweet little things like that. the guy i just broke up with, i broke up with because he flirted with other girls right in front of me...not respectful at all.
- erin

Monday, Sep 1, 2008 - 1:45:08 PM
You know a guy is respecting you if he doesn't ask any questions that offend you. Or not asking you to do something your not comfortable with. I know this rarely happens but when a boy opens doors & pulls our chairs thats respect too.
- Sarah P.

Monday, Sep 1, 2008 - 2:08:19 AM
Respect is not as complicated as people make it out to be. Its not as hard as some guys anticipate it. When a guy truly respects you, you can feel it. He shows it by his actions, by his words, by the way he looks into your eyes. When a guy respects you he listens to your feelings, and even if he doesn't agree with them, he lets you express them to him. When a guy respects you he knows that small things matter to a woman, something as small as giving you his jacket or holding open a door.
- Amy

Sunday, Aug 31, 2008 - 11:13:42 PM
my wonderful boyfriend shows respect to me by not pressuring me to do things i dont want to do.
- sarah

Sunday, Aug 31, 2008 - 10:21:27 PM
well the way i show respect for guys is naturly like friday i had a guy who would not quit asking me out so finly i told i would go. like most guys he trys to pay for every thing so i let him
- becky g.

Sunday, Aug 31, 2008 - 9:36:42 PM
hey dawson ive listened to ur showsa sence ive lived here in nc and uve helped through so much thanks for tlkin to all of use and helpin the teens im a yough leader at my church and i just wanted to say its a great thing u doin thanks
- matt

Sunday, Aug 31, 2008 - 9:13:40 PM
hey girls out there... to be honest with u guys... is there a way for us girls to know that the guy is respecting us.. i don't know... well.. right now, i am dating a guy named joe. and when i first met him, he seems so nice but then when i get to know him... it doesn't seem that way for instance, i asked him if he missed me today, and here is what he said... he said,, i'm sorry but i have been very busy lately, and i have not thought about u much.. but no matter how busy i am, i could at least thought about him for a little bit... so is there really a way.. that we know he is respecting us..
- Lisa

Sunday, Aug 31, 2008 - 8:16:17 PM
I had a guy friend that I could trust that I knew respected me. He knew that if I heard people talking behind my back I'd probably end up getting in another fight. Before I heard it from other people he told me so I had a chance to change into who I wanted to be and become a better person. He respects when I want to be touched and when I don't. Also he would never ask me to be someone I'm not unless we are at Drama Practice.
- Brianna

Sunday, Aug 31, 2008 - 4:45:08 PM
I know they respect me when I say no they lay off me and when they arent grabbing at me all the time and when cuddleing comes more important than doing anything dirtier than that.Also when a guy doesnt go flirting with a bunch of girls when he's dating me.
- Brittany

Sunday, Aug 31, 2008 - 1:59:08 PM
only until i forgave did the weight i was carring around lift from me,i forgave the boy who wrecked me and changed my life forever,forgivness was the key to my healing...David
- David(go go)B.

Sunday, Aug 31, 2008 - 1:42:07 AM
i love this blog...dawson you always come up with the best blogs i read them all the time and i listen to your show every sunday right when i get home from work...
- paige

Saturday, Aug 30, 2008 - 11:59:06 PM
One of the MAIN things in my book abouts showing a girl respect, is not denying her in front of your friends. I've seen it too many times where when alone, he's happy with her but when he's with his friends its a totally different story. Theres also other things too, like not staring at her chest when you see her [trust me guys, we notice], listening to her stories [even if you think they're stupid], and respecting her family. If you respect her, you should also show respect to her parents, siblings etc. even if you dont get along with them. The other big factor is trusting her and giving her her space. If she says she's going out with her friends, then she's going out with her friends. Let her go have fun without calling her every 5 minutes to see what she's doing, she'll call you when she gets home. She doesn't need to check in with you, you're not her dad.
- Celeste R.

Saturday, Aug 30, 2008 - 7:47:19 PM
I can tell guys respect me when they'll take the time to say hey, but when we're talking they don't start talking about innappropriate stuff. Also when they have the rule not to hit girls(though I don't get that much) or when you can just hang out and talk with them and not feel nervous or anything. And definitely no pushing in sexual areas.
- Joy

Saturday, Aug 30, 2008 - 3:32:48 PM
Forgiveness is a major element in a relationship.ln life no one is perfect execpt CHRIST. That's why God created forgivness, so we all could learn from our mistakes. lf you never fosgive then life something you cannot live.
- Deacon-B

Saturday, Aug 30, 2008 - 2:35:43 PM
The way I show respect girls, is by the way I look at them. I do not strip them of their dignity, like many guys do. Many guys my age feel it's okay to make remarks about their bodies in a sexual way, and they have to know that it's not okay. It's wrong. Likewise, when girls talk about guys. I also show respect to girls, by opening the door and being courteous. Girls deserve all the respect they can get, and more, but our society isn't doing that.
- Jose

Saturday, Aug 30, 2008 - 1:05:23 PM
The very most important way to know a guy respects a girl is he doesn't push her. Ever. Not only when it comes to the clique topic of sex, I mean he doesn't push *anything* on her.
- Allie

Saturday, Aug 30, 2008 - 12:57:26 PM
Hi Dawson, I am respected by my boyfriend because he calls me when he says he will, he takes the time to ask about my day and listens to what I have to say. He doesn't pressure me to do things I don't want to do, like having sex until I'm married. Because he respects me, I feel he really loves me and I feel safe with him.
- Trisha

Saturday, Aug 30, 2008 - 10:24:59 AM
A Guy is showing respect when he keeps his word and does what he says hes going to do,he also accepts the girls choices on whatever the situation is and is not forceful to change her mind,he also should realize when the time is to joke and when the time is to be serious. He could show respect by just giving her space when she needs it or being there thorugh everything when she needs him there. A good friend of mine always tells me that "A girl should be seen as a treasure not a magnet for the guys to be attached to" If the guy wants you only for a sexual relationship then he has no respect for you. He is only thinking about himself and how that one night or so will benefit him and his social status. Guys should respect the girl by always encouraging her and NEVER ever putting her down in any way!
- Kaitlyn H.

Saturday, Aug 30, 2008 - 12:58:21 AM
Hi Dawson. Respect to a girl is everything, but it also goes both ways. Because if we girls want the guys to give us the respect we want and look for, then we girls have to give the same amount of respect to the guys. There are many ways to show respect to a girl. The most important way is communication, because for example if a guy tells her girl-friend that he will call her at a certain time then he should keep his word and call her. Now a days communication is poor between couples or even friends. For example, I asked a guy-friend to do me a favor that I really needed and at first he said yes that he was going to help me but then he put me aside and never helped me with the favor, I called him up several times but he never answered nor called me back. The thing is that I ended up doing the favor that I needed help on by myself. The bottom line is that to receive respect, you have give respect in return to other people such as your friends. And for the guys if you want us girls to give you the respect and confidence that you need, then give us the same respect or more that we deserve because we women are worth a lot in this world! We women have the key to men's heart and we also have the control and the power to decide what to do with men, especially when it involves sexual situations. In my opinion, communication is a very important key for respect and success because we must communicate with one another to get the thoughts across and also understand each other well about many things in life and to also succeed in a relationship. There are so many ways to give respect to us girls that I can go on and on writing about it, but I think I covered the important ways here. By the way, we girls like to be loved, cared for, and respected a lot so that we can do the same in return and maybe more, depends on how good the guys are with us jijiji. May God bless you all. ~Cute Boricua Model
- Cute Boricua Model

Saturday, Aug 30, 2008 - 12:22:15 AM
To respect a girl, you keep distance and control your body language! Guys shouldn't get too close to girls. Even if they seem to like you, don't be a pushover.
- -Grey

Friday, Aug 29, 2008 - 11:39:13 PM
One way I can tell a guy respects me is if he don't try to make me do something I don't want to do. My boyfriend now is 9 years older and because I don't belive in sex before marrige he has not asked me about it or cheated on me!
- Sammy

Friday, Aug 29, 2008 - 8:44:26 PM
Hi dawson. I think a major way to show respect for a girl is to honor your word. When you say you are going to call, she expects you to call, so you should really make the effort to call. That is something major that alot of guys miss. Which is that the ladies take what you say to heart. Say what you mean, mean what you say.
- LyAnn

Friday, Aug 29, 2008 - 5:46:13 PM
Respect is a very big thing in my opinion, but also it has to go both ways. When any guy respects a woman he's not forceful, or controlling. The same goes when a girl gives respect to her man. In order for a healthy relationship to form these needs to happen. People can show this respect by holding doors, or people open to the others opinion without getting angry about it. Communication is a big way to. Respect the fact that everyone has something to say, and they ALL deserve a chance to say it!
- Tori

Friday, Aug 29, 2008 - 4:16:51 PM
We live in a sex saturated world where every where we look is an opportunity for sex. Chances are by the time girls are 13,16,18, we have already had a million chances and offers to engage in sex. This causes girls and women to continue thinking that this is our purpose as women, and something we must do to get a man's attention. It would be very respectful, almost even unheard of, to be in a relationship with a man, whether he be a boyfriend or friend, and never even once hear the word sex. It would be nice and respectful to have a least one person to be around to escape this sex saturated world.
- Taylor

Friday, Aug 29, 2008 - 2:22:02 PM
Hey dawson.Well,i think that one very important way that a guy can show respect towards a girl is by knowing when to joke around and when to be serious.There are alot of guys who,when hangin out with they girl-friends,act as if they are with their guy friends.Girls are more sensetive to given situations,and guys dont always know when to be serious and when they can be playful and joke about stuff.If a guy truely understands you and your feelings,then he should know when is the right time to be serious about a situation,and when is the right time to play around.
- Dobrinka