Love Addiction & Abandonment

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I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about a love addiction lately. Blogging on love addiction has opened my eyes to a lot of things. Things I didn’t totally understand before. One thing I’ve learned is just how powerful this addiction is and how it reaches deep into our very heart or hearts. Read on with me and you will see what I mean. You may possibly find yourself in this blog, which begs the question, “Are you a love addict?” In many ways it’s not your fault you have this addiction. The question is how can you deal with it and not be under its terrible curse. In the last couple of blogs, we worked hard to come up with a clear definition of just what love addiction is...


If you are a love addict, you no doubt obsessively and compulsively try to relieve or medicate the deep pain in your life through romantic relationships. Once in a relationship, you feel you can’t live without the other person and you will do whatever you have to do to keep the relationship going. If that doesn’t work, you panic and will do whatever you have to do to get into a new relationship.



If you are a love addict, don’t despair. I’m convinced at least 50% of all teenagers and young adults suffer from this addiction. I say this because one characteristic of every love addict is that he or she has suffered from being abandoned as a child. This

No one as a child can go through seeing their parents break up without it having a devastating effect.

abandonment is almost always caused by one parent, and in some cases both. Over 50% of all marriages end in divorce, not to mention all the live-together break-ups. No one as a child can go through seeing their parents break up without it having a devastating effect. Being abandoned or left behind, especially as a child, is traumatic. In fact, it is one of the worst things to happen to a child. Perhaps you’ve heard me say on my radio show, Dawson McAllister Live, mother abandonment is the worst. Let’s take Sarah’s story to help prove the point: “[My dad] would stand at the door and yell so loud that I had to cover my ears because all they did was ring. I could hardly make out a single word that was said and he was gone. A last minute attempt to beg him to stay after all was said and done never worked, not one time. After the first few times, his heart left with him and only his physical body ever returned. My father never came back, only a man with a similar appearance to him. I then set out on a search for the love that man once had to offer me.” (Sarah) Sarah understands abandonment and her search for love she may never find.


When Jesus hung on the cross, He cried out to His Heavenly Father, “My God, My God, why have You forsaken Me?” (Matthew 27:46) Jesus was crying from the depths of His soul to His father. You could translate what Jesus said into “My God, My God, why have You left Me behind?” Not only was Christ dying, He was being abandoned by God as He slipped into death. One can only imagine how horrific that was for Him. As we have seen, being left behind can be terrifying to a young child. I was with my 7-month old grandchild a few weeks ago (we spend a lot of time together). We were outside and it was getting dark. She wandered off up the driveway. I just stood and watched her, keeping my eye on her every second. Suddenly she realized she was alone. She panicked, screamed, and ran back to me, wrapping her little arms about my leg. I picked her up, held her, and comforted her. She was happy again. Her grandpa had not abandoned her. But what about the millions of children who have been abandoned? What happens to them?


Allow me to quote Pia Mellody in her great book Facing Love Addiction. She said, “Love Addicts usually didn’t have enough appropriate bonding with their caregivers…Caring transmits the messages, ‘You’re important, you matter, and you are loved,’...when children do not get enough connection and nurture from a

“Love Addicts usually didn’t have enough appropriate bonding with their caregivers…”

parent, they experience serious difficulty with self-esteem. Love Addicts usually experienced much deep pain and sadness and an acute sense of loss during childhood, because a part of themselves was denied the opportunity to grow properly when their caregivers failed to take care of them. This pain and sadness I call ‘the pain of the precious child.’ It goes very deep and back far beyond the earliest conscious memories. As children, Love Addicts experienced enormous fear because they were helpless to create a connection with their caregivers. In counseling they often describe that child-fear as a sense of having a loss of their own breath, as if their air supply had been cut off and they were literally dying. They also describe being empty because they weren’t filled with nurture by their caregivers. And because they weren’t nurtured for who they were, they had trouble being or liking their natural selves.”


Does that sound like you? Confused, craving for love, and yet despising yourself at the same time. These thoughts and feelings are hard to get rid of from within us because we received them when we were so young and helpless. So how does a young child like you once were cope with these terrible feelings?


I am going to quote Pia Mellody again because what I’m about to quote you blew my mind. “One way such children may escape the pain of severe abandonment by the parents is to fantasize about being rescued by a hero of some kind. Little girls may imagine a knight and shining armor who has loving feelings for her and who does things that demonstrate this love by connecting with her, finally giving her life meaning and vitality…Children spend so much time in this fantasy world because it creates a state of euphoria. I spent hours as a child daydreaming about my knight in shining armor. If I felt bad I could play out this fantasy in my mind, get high in about ten minutes, and stay there for at least two or three hours.”


One can see how love addiction can start at a very young age through fantasies. A love addict is forever pursuing that high they think another person can give them. When that person rescues, connects, and loves them, it is any wonder love addicts can be so stubborn about their condition and stuck in it. “…I remember from young on I was always obsessed with love. I wanted love more than anything in the world. I even subjected myself to a lot of bad treatment just to feel love. I have been used, abused, and mistreated by a lot of guys just to get it. Now I realize I brought it upon myself in some way. If I wasn't so addicted to love and having it, I wouldn't of subjected myself to those things or situations.” (Lindsey)


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Please do not let this blog discourage you. In fact, it may have given you some relief since you are better able to understand yourself now. There is hope for a love addict, and that’s what I’m going to talk about next week. Tell all your friends about it, because no doubt, many of your friends are indeed love addicts.





NEXT WEEK’S TOPIC – CURE FOR LOVE ADDICTION

As always, thank you for your comments.  They mean the world to me.  Here's the question for next week's topic:

If you, or someone you know, has been cured of love addiction, please tell me how they did it.



Wednesday, Oct 17, 2007 - 10:06:42 PM
WOW, I'm now 28 years old and when I was in junior high and high school went to your conferences. If only I would have known about this then. I was very blessed by the Lord. When I was 18 He sent me the most amazing man into my life. I did not know that he would end up being my husband. Now of 7 years and 4 beautiful children later. I was a love addicted, going from wrong relationship to wrong when in high school. I always wanted something physical out of those relationships too. To all those girls out there, God has someone special for you. Hang in there. The Lord blessed me, I would have never thought it possible. It's weird how God works sometimes. I was wanting to see if Dawson does his conferences anymore, so that the youth from my church could poss go.So I was checking out the web site to find out. And look what I read.
- Laura N.

Wednesday, Oct 17, 2007 - 10:05:39 PM
haye dawson, i listen 2 ur show every sunday. i think its awsome wut u do for teenagers. i feel like its easier to talk to someone uve never met b/c u dont have to face them tomorrow. like kristin f. said, id send u a trophy. an award for most helpful person on the radio or somethin like that!! @(^_^)@
- kristen d.

Wednesday, Oct 17, 2007 - 10:05:04 PM
Hey im bisexual and all my friends know and dont have a problem with it. i actually dated somegirls, i know forsure im bisexual. but my problem is that my mom and dad and brother dont know, i want to tell them. My mom wouldnt have aproblem with it (thats what she says). I all was bring it p, like mom would you have a problem with any of your kids being gay. She tells me no, i think she knows but wont say anything to me about it. i have alot of friends who are gay or a lesbion but i dont know what to do anymore. i was going to tell everyone thats doesnt know the day i graduate high school, but i dont know if thats would be so great to do. im a jounior in high school and i really dont have anyone to talk to but my friend denise about it and she cant help cuz she doesnt know what to do. so please can you help me. - kenzi
- Kenzi

Wednesday, Oct 17, 2007 - 10:03:53 PM
I am totaly a love addict thats why im going to couseling now because my parents are making me i date one guy and then think im in love with him im with a guy right now but i really miss one i had before but this one is 4 yrs older than me and my parents said i coudlnt date him there is a guy that is 1 yr older than me they would let me date him but I DO NOT WANT TO LEAVE THE OTHER ONE! hellppp
- Lexie

Wednesday, Oct 17, 2007 - 10:01:45 PM
This is Austin M. from Princeton, Ky. I have had lots of love problems I need help
- austin m.

Wednesday, Oct 17, 2007 - 6:45:16 AM
I am approaching my 2 year anniversary for being cut free. I'm not sure I can even make it these next few months. And there is no big enough reward to keep me on track. Sighs.
- The cutter is stil in me...

Tuesday, Oct 16, 2007 - 10:50:41 PM
hey, i listen to your show every sunday night i think it is a great thing to do for ppl who are ready to get help. If I could, i'dd send you a trophy. kristin f. - texas GO!Central Chargers
- kristin f.

Tuesday, Oct 16, 2007 - 10:45:51 PM
hey im dating online and i dont know if thats good ??? and im so in love and i always talk about him and hes my age and i get pictures from him but my friend is mad cause hes the only thing i talk about and i dont even know him will u tell me what i should do? =(
- Confused

Tuesday, Oct 16, 2007 - 10:39:21 PM
hey dawson i am a fan my step mom just had a new baby and i have 2 younger sis n i thind i should be by them cause now they are getting left out n they might become like me a love ndrug addict u think i am doing the right thing.say over the radio but dont mention my name please i am 14 by the way
- oscarsaenz

Tuesday, Oct 16, 2007 - 10:38:34 PM
I need to knowing what to say to my real father. He has not been in my life every since I was born. Then I finlly meet him when I was 14 and then he just disappeared like he wasn't there at all. So I want to know what to say to him when I see him again. Can u Help me at the best that u can. If u can I will be much obliged.
- Brandon J.

Tuesday, Oct 16, 2007 - 8:47:59 PM
My main problem is that when I am in a relationship I actually do start to feel that I can't be without them. Then I start to realize that I am attached to them...and when that happens everything starts to go wrong. Then I end up alone again. I'm with this guy right now, and I like him so much. We've only been together for four weeks though, but things just seem so right right about now. I am close to him, we're starting to miss each other when we go a day or two not seeing one another, but i'm after he told me that he misses me and doesn't usually miss anyone. I realized that I might start to get attached, and that's my fear right now. I don't know how to bring up to him. Like how do I talk to him about it without making it sound like that I don't want to be with him. I honestly don't want to lose him. He keeps me smiling and laughing and thats exactly what I need right now. Being with someone just keeps me going. Knowing that i'm caring for someone and knowing that someone is holding me and what not it just keeps me alive. I'm so confused though.
- Jaden

Tuesday, Oct 16, 2007 - 8:45:45 PM
Dawson, do you really think it is possible to be cured? I'm not sure. Doesn't the saying go, "once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic"? So then, "once a love addict, always a love addict"? I've learned how to deal with the external stuff that stems from a love addiction, but the internal struggle is often pretty intense. I don't think I am cured. I think I just learned to practice self-control in relation to the symptoms. The "craving" hasn't just disappeared. How do you fix the inside stuff?
- Sarah

Tuesday, Oct 16, 2007 - 8:45:05 PM
Dawson, Your blog really spoke to me. I am 21 years old. I have been married twice, and now going through my second divorce. I was neglected as a child by both parents, they divorced when I was 12 and I have always craved and longed to be loved. The lack of support and encouragement I received as a child was traumatic. I tried to fill this void with men, love, and sex. I thought they were giving me everything that I needed, and I continued to allow the abuse. I was abused in every way, and was mistreated to the extreme. I have jumped from relationship to relationship searching to fill that void, each ending in turmoil and bringing me to the point of depression. This post is a reflection of my life, and now through it I believe I have a chance. Thank you. Regina
- Regina

Tuesday, Oct 16, 2007 - 8:20:39 PM
i think people are addicted to love because they don't feel love at home. that's how i feel these days. i feel that way cuz my life is full of none stop drama. like my mom is lazy and she can't even take care of her kid and that what i do i take care of my 1 year sister everyday in my life. it's not like i don't mind, but my mom needs to step up to the parenting stuff and not be so lazy. i love my mom and i just want her to be a parent then a lazy pig! ~mary~
- Mary D.

Tuesday, Oct 16, 2007 - 12:43:23 AM
I have such a long story that I don't even know where to begin. Appart of me thinks I'm love addicted, but another part disagrees. It seems to be a repeating pattern in my family. My dads dad left him just as my dad left me. For a woman. I think that maybe I made him look old. It wasn't until I turned 13 though that things got to be areally bad. My brother had beat on me and my younger siblings and so he had to go. After that he had my mom and step-dad arrested for drugs. So instead of going to live with my dad, I took foster care so I could watch over the kids. When I got out things just got worse between me and my dad. I was arrested that year and the cops tried to get me and my boyfriend for sex affenders it didn't go through though. And thats when my dad left. Now I'm 18 and I still feel hollow. All my relationships have gone wrong, and I can sence that I keep myself at a distance. It's not that I show the signs above but it feels close to that, and I feel them now more then ever. I'm a good kid, I work 3 jobs and even go to school, this summer I go away for the Navy. But now I'm scared and I feel more alone then ever. Just resently I found out that my mom might be getting a divorce and on top of all that she might be dieing, and she is doing nothing to better her self, the doctors say she can have more years if she would just quit smoking. Now she smokes more then ever and drinks. I also started seeing this older guy but we aren't serious and I did see other guys in the beginning, so now there is this chick how could be our mom standing in my way, but he doesnt want to kick her out cause she's going through a divorce. I'm so confused and lost and this is the first time I am reaching out for help.
- Kristine

Tuesday, Oct 16, 2007 - 12:40:44 AM
This actually does sound like me. Sadly it does not surprise me in the least bit that it does either. When I was eight months old I was taken away from both of my real parents. I was placed in a foster home. When I was around two years old my grandparents took me in because they did not want to see me bouncing around from foster home to foster home. Still both of my real parent Robin and Joesph are heavily into drinking and drugs. Joesph as well as Robin have often told me they do not love me and I do not matter. It hurt like the hell the first time I was told that but now I feel nothing towards them. My grandparents are no better often telling me they hate me also does not feel to good. My older sister is everyones favorite so I feel very unloved anytime she is around. Plus the fact the two boys I love more than anything (my little brothers) are in a foster home does not help me either. I have often looked for love in boys. Really I have only been in-love myself once and I know it. I have only loved one boy his name was Brandon. He broke up with me and I guess you could say broke my heart. I have had boys love me though Brandon, John, Matthew, and other's I believe and it felt so good to finally know someone cared. But I feel like crap or wrose when it is over. I know exactly what this blog means. = [
- Amanda Los

Tuesday, Oct 16, 2007 - 12:38:46 AM
I have an addiction to love,age 14, and I don't feel like I am love unless I am with someone.I never had my parents.I do have a grandmother to be thankful for,but because of this i started smoking,drinking and cutting.I tried to fight one addiction with another.none of them are healthy and I am tryng to get help for all of them I can't really talk to any one but my best friend Jessica C. She knows everything and she supports me It feels so good to have at least one person believe in you and thanks Dawson for being there to talk to people like me.I have been thinking about calling in but I'm not really into the talking thing because my brother or grandmother may hear and she would die if she knew everything. Thanks again!
- Jessica

Tuesday, Oct 16, 2007 - 12:38:23 AM
Hey Dawson. I am 15 years old and my boyfriend is coming back from Florida for the weekend. I'm not sure if he is thinking I am ready to have sex with him or what, but that's the idea that I am getting from him. I really like this guy, and I don't want to ruin our relationship by a stupid move from me. So...what should I do?
- Michelle

Tuesday, Oct 16, 2007 - 12:36:46 AM
Dawson, the majority of my friends parents are divorced and whenever I hang out with them they usually always bring it up and how much it hurts them. I grew up in a very strong christian family, parents are together--not very many problems, so it's really hard seeing them going through these problems when i've never experienced it before so I have no idea what to tell them or what to do. One of my friends was dating this boy, but he broke up with her, she then tried to commit suicide, and she doesn't really understand the meaning of life. They cry so much over family problems, and all I can do is pat them on the back and tell them it's going to be okay, it makes me feel so stupid because i'm their friend who they should be able to go to for advice about anything but this is one thing that I really need help with, please help me with what I should be telling my friends and doing.
- Megan

Tuesday, Oct 16, 2007 - 12:19:36 AM
Your blog is impowering to those of us who are love addicts.My friend Linzy and i are love addicts...and we know how it feels to be mistreated, used,and abbused.I hope you get this and keep helping others to get help with their problems. Emily and Linzy
- Emily and Linzy

Tuesday, Oct 16, 2007 - 12:13:12 AM
i understand everything and have previosuly talked with you on the phone. i have talked with my friends about it and some of them grew an interest in it as well as i and understand how i am and why. i hope that i can make through this alone or even with my friends and boyfriend by my side.
- Christine J.

Monday, Oct 15, 2007 - 11:46:25 PM
hi dawson i wrote you about a problem this boy is going around the school saying that i was drunk(i don't drink beer)and he was and he tried asking me out and he is going out with my cousin and i didn't want her to hate me so i said no and he was tring to act like we were going out i was trying to hold me and was trying to hold my hand and he kissed me on the neck and on the lips.
- jade

Monday, Oct 15, 2007 - 11:45:29 PM
my parents are devorsted and i live with my dad . Most of the time I have to cry my self to sleep because i won't to live with my MOM ! I even tried to run away to her house in Flordia but the plice found me and i live in roff oklhoma !
- shauna

Monday, Oct 15, 2007 - 11:42:50 PM
i'm 18 ,and i thought that i was in love with a gye that was a few years older than me. at first we were friends and than we quickly became more than friends.He would tell me that I was beautiful everyday,he told me that he was so much in love with me.And he would tell me to eat more because i had an eating disorder.he helped me through the hard times in my life ,and i was so much in love with him and so happy that i became almost blinded ,and i couldn't see that he was cheating on me with my best friend.I mean hears a person that i thought i could trust and that would always be there for me .but it turns out that he wasn't such a good gye after all.I 'm so hurt deep down inside ,i don't know hat to do.
- ren

Monday, Oct 15, 2007 - 12:08:34 AM
I started smoking weed about 3 months ago ive done it about 6 times since then and i almost lost my girlfriend the other day cause i hid it from her until a couple of days ago. i told her because i love her. She kept crying and i cryed. and i want to stop PLEASE HELP!
- Tyler

Monday, Oct 15, 2007 - 12:08:20 AM
I think I might have a love addiction, Im 18 years old and I just recently broke up with a girl. We had been going out for about 7 months and It was the best relationship I have ever had. She broke up with me because she is in high school still and im 230 miles away and don't see her very much is what she told me. but we had been dating for 2 months while i was away and it seemed like our relationship was still very great. I recently talked to her and she told me she wanted to just fool around with other guys and doesnt want to be with me no more. I don't know what i did wrong to make her wanna do this. I treated her like a princess and I loved her so much! I know that when she does this all the guys she meets will use her and not ever care for her. Because of all this i became really depressed and i thought suicide would be the only answer. I found myself staring at a train coming at me head on. i couldnt go through with it though. And now i just want to go out and try to fill the hole in my heart with any girl i can find. I don't know what to do. i just want to be happy again.
- Casey

Monday, Oct 15, 2007 - 12:05:31 AM
hey dawson i want to start by saying this is my frist time listen to your show. i think what are doing to geart. i am a cab driver so at the sometimes i hear alot of some stuff driving down the road. i try to help everbody as best as i can. i wish i had know alot you show early in my live.
- joey

Sunday, Oct 14, 2007 - 10:44:55 PM
im 11 years old and i wit this guy name julian and alot of people r tell him crap that is not true me an him been off and on and i kissed him last friday do u think he will stay wit me or listen 2 those dum a** people i tell him that people r jeaouls of me and him begin 2gether because we got strong love and it mostly gurls that r tell him that im cheatin on him that y i tell him there jealous of us begin in love me andhim have young love when he brakes ^ withme i just wont to kll my self wat should i do stay wit him or just move on help meeeeeeee plzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
- angel

Sunday, Oct 14, 2007 - 10:37:27 PM
Hey Dawson i love your show. i almost called in a couple times but i never really had enough gutts to. I just think how you help all these kids is aweosme. its just cool and you have helped an saved alot of lived i have been listening to you for a couple years.
- Shiana

Sunday, Oct 14, 2007 - 10:37:12 PM
i kind of have the problem above but right now im going through alot of things and i dont even know whats going on with me. i cant handle it anymore and my depression is taking over again. i really want help and go back to in-patient treatment, but we can't afford it anymore. So i was wondering if you could help me. What should i do? i dont want to go back to the old me and go back into the druggie and cutting. PLEASE HELP!
- Jen G.

Sunday, Oct 14, 2007 - 12:26:09 AM
Yeah I think I have this problem too, because when my mom and dad divorced and my mom married my stepdad she stopped saying I love you to me or hugging me so whenever i am alone and crying i always feel like i need love from someone to know someone reaallyy loves me.
- sarah

Sunday, Oct 14, 2007 - 12:25:53 AM
I love your show and you give AWESOME advice, im pretty sure that you have helped over thousands of kids out their that really needed it, you are sooooo awesome!!
- Jessica

Friday, Oct 12, 2007 - 11:57:28 PM
i love your show and your hope lineds help me alot. thankyou of giveing teens hope!!!
- destiny

Friday, Oct 12, 2007 - 11:57:18 PM
i love ur show i listen to it almost every sunday night. i think its really cool what u do. thanks to u theres alot of ppl out there that r better because of u. thank you
- bryan

Friday, Oct 12, 2007 - 11:57:00 PM
Hi i really relate to this subject because when i was about 4 my parents split up and i watched my dad leave the state because of my mom. He didn't want to leave me behind and all i could do was stand their in the front yard and watch him go it hurt me a lot. From there on out i lived with my mom who wasn't mentally stable. And when i was ten my mom began doing drugs. I didn't understand it at first. But after i fount out she had let me down and that drug became her whole life and i didn't. By the time i was eleven i was practily invisible to her. She had betrayed me. she was finally arrested and my dad fount out who was living on the west coast and he told everyone he would come and get me and he did. And he is their for me but he has to work a lot and im now 15 and i didn't know that this thing that im feeling was acctually a craving to be loved. And i think it might be a problem for me because i think about someone a fantasy person coming to rescue me everyday and i can go off into my own little world for hours. And it is because my mom wasn't their for me in the past. I feel like their is something wrong with me. When you are on the radio this Sunday will you answer my question i will be listening. And try to get me some help im confused. Candace.
- Candace

Friday, Oct 12, 2007 - 11:53:42 PM
I believe that Im a love addict because I need someone their when Im having a problem and by that person being there for me through my problem makes me emotionally attached to the person and it somehow turns into a love/friend relationship and it has often broke some friendships with my friends because that friendship turns more into love. Maybe its the support they give that makes me "love" who they are in the inside. IDK, It would be nice to hear back from you..
- Garrett R