Last week I started blogging about how to get along with your parents. This is not an easy thing to do because no one is perfect, including your parents. In fact, you have come to the realization your parents are in many ways flawed and have failed you many times. Nonetheless, as I said last week, I have yet to meet a teenager or young adult who is bitter toward his/her parents and still happy. It’s kind of like, do yourself a favor and learn to make peace with your parents.
Although family life can be a great source of disappointment and hurt, it is possible to deal with the pain and get along with your parents. Last week, I talked about how important it is for you to take responsibility for your role in your family, and also how you should understand your parents are God’s tool in your life. (Read last week’s blog here)
This week, I’d like to continue with a couple more thoughts that will help you transform the relationship with your parents.
Learn To Follow Their Advice
Sometimes your parents do and say things that don’t make any sense at all. It’s during these times it is easy to get mad and shut them out of your life. But you have a choice.
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When it comes to learning about life, you can greatly benefit from your parents’ experience and wisdom. | Samantha commented: “I think the best way to have a good relationship with your parents is to respect their opinions even if you don’t agree with them. They have been through more of life and know more about the world than you do. They may not always understand your reasons, but they have a point to make, and you should listen to their views. Your parents can teach you a lot of things and keep you from a lot of pain, both physical and emotional, if you will keep an open mind and really think about what they are saying.”
When it comes to learning about life, you can greatly benefit from your parents’ experience and wisdom. There is no greater teacher than experience. Because of your parent’s age, and the fact they have more years of experience than you, parents usually have the God-given ability to identify the people, events, and circumstances that can greatly affect your life. Many times, they have already been through what you are facing and understand how to react to the situation. While it’s humbling to admit, every teenager and young adult lacks years of experience and therefore, do not have all the answers to life’s situations. Your parents’ wisdom can help you avoid all kinds of wrong choices that cause heart-breaking consequences.
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While it’s humbling to admit, every teenager and young adult lacks years of experience and therefore, do not have all the answers to life’s situations. | Nikki understands this truth, by having learned to listen to her parents. “If you actually listen to what they are trying to tell you and not just blow it off, and think ‘here we go again another lecture,’ then it will have more of an advantage to you. Your parents just want to make sure you don't make the same mistakes they did. Even though every person is different, they don't want you to be in a rut when you’re out of the house. They make you do chores because you have to learn that responsibility because Mommy and Daddy won't always be there to clean up your messes. For once, listen to your parents and do what they tell you and see what happens.”
Spend Time With Your Parents.
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Spending time with your parents, and learning to communicate with them, can actually transform your relationship. | There was a survey taken a while back that asked parents what would you like most from your teenager. The answer was: I wish they would spend more time with me. Another survey asked teenagers and young adults what they wanted most from their parents. The answer was the same. Spending time with your parents, and learning to communicate with them, can actually transform your relationship. A girl called my show the other night thanking me for some advice I gave her over a year ago. She was having problems with her mother. I advised her to say this to her mother: “Mom, I want to respect you and learn to love you so much. Let’s spend an hour everyday just talking.” Her mother agreed. A year later, their relationship is awesome. She said to me, “My mother is so amazing. She is my best friend.” Riah agrees: “My parents and I have a great relationship. With my mom…it's the feeling of knowing that if I ever need to talk to her she’s there. Talking about everything that may be bothering me, whether it is a problem with school or if I have a question about anything, communication is key.”
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There is nothing that helps a relationship grow together more than being together. | Spending time with your parents is a huge challenge, I know. Andrea commented about how difficult this is: “I personally don’t have a good relationship with my parents because they are always working and I have a busy life myself. My parents don’t have any rules for me.” Most people have very busy schedules. But any relationship takes time together to grow. Spending time with your parents is so important that to neglect doing so hurts both sides. There is nothing that helps a relationship grow together more than being together. A wise teenager and their parents will find a way to spend time together. Drew has some very good advice for us when it comes to spending time with our parents: “Find activities you and your parent(s) like to do and build off that mutual [interest].”
Also, spending time with your parents will give you opportunity to talk to them. Someone wrote to me about how it’s vitally important to keep an open line of communication with your parents. “My parents and I have had plenty of arguments, but somehow I can never stay mad at them. If they see that I'm depressed or something is going on, then they confront me about it. They let me know that they are there when I need them and try to make my days easier.”
These two ideas we have talked about in this blog are simple, but life-changing. Remember no matter how difficult your parents may be, it is extremely important you do the best you can to have a meaningful relationship with them. It will be worth it.
I still have a couple more ideas I want to share with you next week, and then I want to talk about how to live with dysfunctional, abusive parents. Please keep sending me your stories. I love hearing from you and it helps me write these blogs.
Thursday, Oct 23, 2008 - 7:50:34 PM
me and my parnts get along only when i do what they want if i do what i want then they get mad and talk down on me and tell me how they know whats best i think I respect my parents but I don't think that they respect me Back i can't let them into my personal life because my culture basically is like your parents tell you what to do and you do it if you dont do what they like your suddenly a "bad child".
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Thursday, Oct 23, 2008 - 7:50:08 PM
this is a really good blog i really like the show iam having a huge problem on geting along with my parents so this helped alot
- Ulrich C.
Thursday, Oct 23, 2008 - 6:21:12 PM
My mother died when I was 37 of a rare form of cancer on March 14th and my Dad was engaged a few months after her death to a woman I did not think was right for him. He is a Civil Engineer Nancy a cancer nurse who worked on my Mom. Which broke his heart. I prayed that Gods will would be done. Nancy broke the engagement a month later which just broke his heart. He became engaged 2 months later to a fantastic woman,Mary, another nurse but this time a burn nurse from the University of Michigan Hospital she was actually the head nurse while she was working on the floor she then became an accountant at hospitals. They have now been married 10 years abd I am so glad that my Dad found such a good woman to marry the second tume.
And they got married May 16th
- cHERYL
Wednesday, Oct 22, 2008 - 8:42:48 PM
My best friend means a lot to me and I'm glad that she is in my life. She helps with my problems. We're like sisters. We have been best friends for 9 years and nothing has changed in a negative way.
- Renee
Wednesday, Oct 22, 2008 - 7:52:04 PM
The best advice you could ever get comes from your parents. They have been through more than you. They know how to handle certain situations because they have been in them and dealt with them. So just give them a chance to show you the right things in life. In the end 99.9% of the time you will be pleased with the results.
- Danielle
Tuesday, Oct 21, 2008 - 1:05:08 PM
i can relate to you hannah c. i have alot of those same problems but i don't really want a relasionship with my parents we are 100% oppitsite i am homeschooled to and i do understand about the your brother my sister went back to public school to and i lost my relasionship with her it will save you alot of pain if you look at God for your relasionship that you want with your family at least untill your are out of this stage where you long for it more than anything just let God fill that void trust me he will
- Kim
Tuesday, Oct 21, 2008 - 2:41:53 AM
i think respecting your parents is good but they have to respect you back or there not goin anywhere.
- stephanie
Tuesday, Oct 21, 2008 - 2:41:00 AM
I have listened to your show for a while and it has helped me greatly for example (my friend was having low self esteem problems and I told her to go look at your blog about how to respect yourself and it helped her alot) (another time I was having trouble about me moving with my dad on Maryland and I was very sad and did not know wat to do and just by listening to your show helped me get through that) thank you very much dm you rock:)
- brandon
Tuesday, Oct 21, 2008 - 2:38:30 AM
I really love reading your blogs, they have helped me out so much.I have used your advice on many different occations but I am having trouble with this one.I can't seem to get along with my parents at all. I was adopted at ten years old. for the first few years it was fine. Then I started feeling like they resented and hated me. they dont treat me like im their son. they always favor their daughter in every thing they do.I'm not sure what to do. Please can you write a blog about adopted parents and children. THANK YOU!
- josh
Tuesday, Oct 21, 2008 - 2:27:55 AM
I really love your show dm live itsreally helped me alot.
- james
Tuesday, Oct 21, 2008 - 1:58:22 AM
i am so happy that you are writing a blog about how to get along with your parents.
i am having a hard time with my familly right now. my dad shouts alot. him and my brother get into fights. my mom and dad don't get along eather. it hurts me to see my familly like this. my dad is always criticizing on every word you say. so i have become very quiet person.
he just started to shout alot three or four years ago. when i was little i got along with him. but as i got older and the more sibbleings i got the farther we got away. my littler brother's don't know my dad before he started shouting. they are scared to death of him. but they still love him like crazy. i just want to get a good relationship with my dad.
next is my mom. we were never too close. i am home schooled so i was with her every day. i have four brothers three younger and one older. the older (one will come next). so me and my mom don't have any time with out them being there. i would like to spend more time with my mom.just me and her. but i just don't know how to tell her that.
now to my older brother. Jacob has been homeschoooled all 15 years of his life. he started going to public schools this year. since then our relationshilp has been going down hill. i lpve him to death but i just cant stand to be around all the negitivity that he always has to share.
THANK you SO much for reading all my problems. I listen to your show every sunday. love your blog too.
- Hannah. C
Tuesday, Oct 21, 2008 - 1:57:11 AM
So I messaged you... called your hot line... Who ever I talked to I appreciate... to an extent, I want done talking beofre the ohone hung up... But who ever it was did the best they could... Even who ever talked to me on my myspace... I thkn both of then, But conclusively... what is the answer? What do you haveto say Dawsome? I know this wont be posted, because I am not saying "Dawsome helped me, he was my guide" Who are you Dawson????
- Bobby
Tuesday, Oct 21, 2008 - 12:29:28 AM
I get along with my parents fine when I don't see them often. I'm a senior in college, so I get to be more selective in how long or often I visit, so I think sometimes that perhaps they're only so nice and agreeable so I will call and visit more. And of course I do call and visit more when they don't make inappropriate cutting jokes, but their UNfavorable behaviors toward me come back when I have to stay with them for a week or longer (such as during holidays). They (well mainly my dad) start chewing me out for something before I've had the chance to do (or not do) whatever they're chewing me out for (for instance this one time, I was staying with them for 2 weeks between semesters, and that sunday morning, even though I ALWAYS go to church Sunday mornings, even when I visit with them, my dad randomly called upstairs, at 8 or 9 a.m., and started chewing me out and screaming/yelling about how mad he'll be if I skip church! I got my things together and searched for plans to leave there and stay with a friend back in the city my college is in, and wasn't through packing by the time the parents got back from church, but when they came back they were all chipper and he didn't even ask if I went to my church or anything like that. They just all went along like nothing was up). Anyway, my dad has a history of being emotionally/verbally abusive, and controlling. He financially supports me and uses those strings like I'm a puppet or something because of it. If I am to have a stable (financially) future, with the kind of job I want, I have to have this college degree, but I can't afford to pay for it all myself, so I let him pay for this stuff. The thing is, he's so controlling by nature that he thinks that because he pays for my education I will forever be in his debt and control and that he will always have the most say in all of my decisions in life because I will have this degree (and future career) all because he was "merciful" enough to pay for me to go through college. He constantly tries to use this to make me feel unworthy and guilty. He has sent me on so many unreasonable guilt trips in the past that it's sick. Having this distance from him, however, helps me see through it and not take what he says so personally. Despite what he thinks I CAN live on my own, but I wouldn't be living the life I aspire to have. I would be independent, but I would be just scraping by. I don't want that life. I CHOOSE to let him financially support me (and think that means he owns me) because I know that once I finally have a steady job (after I graduate) it won't matter what he thinks because I will be financially independent and therefore he'll have no excuses to tell me what choices to make. I mean, if they were matters of right or wrong, I would understand, but I make good decisions overall. I never started smoking, doing drugs, getting drunk, or getting involved sexually with people, and although I am a C student (I've a learning disorder but I'm doing my best despite that. I have failed a couple classes but I'm doing a lot better lately). I know better than to do something that I know could have a bad effect on me emotionally or physically. But my parents constantly falsely accuse me of making all these wrong decisions they assume I make (my dad seriously said he's ashamed of me because he's so nice in putting me through college but I'm throwing it away by never going to church, and by sleeping around and partying too much... but I DO go to church regularly, and I have never been past 2nd, and I've been to maybe 2 parties (not including small birthday celebrations... which were nothing more than few-hour-long dinner-and-a-movie parties with friends) since I've been to college, and there was no drinking at them or anything like that). I bring that up but he just rolls his eyes and saying that all "kids" say that. They both (both parents) are always acting so tough and untrusting toward my generation, and although I USED to be immature and untrustworthy (and partially because I figured - until I matured a bit - that if I was in trouble no matter what I did, I might as well just do whatever I felt like doing), I don't act like that anymore, and all I want is a little return on the respect I've always paid them. I didn't rebel against them (although I wanted to) and yet they treat me as though I was the worst child ever and am still irresponsible and brazen. The thing is, and I don't mean to brag, but I want to clarify... Other adults who take the time to really get to know me and bond with me all say that I'm poised, well-mannered, a gem/jewel, and "old at heart" and "wise beyond [my] years"... so why don't they see it? I mean I don't feel bad about me because they don't see it, but I think that they are putting themselves at such a loss by not seeing me the way other adults and I see me. They think that being my parents means that they know me better than anyone does (even me). If they would go by what manners and behaviors I show now instead of what most people my age do and/or what I've done in the past, then their opinion of me could be more reliable, but they constantly accuse me of things based only on things I did as a child or things that most people my age are stereotyped for. I'm not like most people my age though, and I'm not the person I was even one year ago. I've grown so much and learned to love myself (not obsess, but accept my character defects and try to work on them, and love myself, flaws and all. I realized that I can't expect people to show me that if I don't even show myself that love and respect!). But now that I am proud of my accomplishments, accept my mistakes but not let them ruin my day, and dote on my body (take care of it and never make negative comments about it), they say I'm a narcissist for not hating myself. When I was growing up they were constantly making cutting remarks about my appearance and personality and telling me I should be more like the popular kids at school. The only time they hinted towards compliments to me were when they said "You're pretty, but..." or "You'd be beautiful if..." and the only fixes they suggested were things that required me to get a personality transplant and be someone totally different. At the risk of sounding too proud, I should get a gold star for not letting that change me, for standing true to who I am and, although being sad that my parents don't understand that the only way I can be best is by being myself, not letting other people's opinions of me have any real effect on me. They don't applaud that though. They constantly roll their eyes and smirk about it. I know I have friends who are now my family and see what they have in me, and they believe in me and support me (as I do for them), so I know it’s not AS important whether or not my parents act like I think family members are supposed to towards each other (I feel no loyalty or support – other than financially – with my biological family members, and I wish we had that bond, but no matter how much I try to form it they disregard it and do what they think they’re supposed to do – which is “not be the friend-type parents”. They think (and say so) that if they act the least bit like “buddies” to us that we won’t respect them as authorities). I try to treat them like the friends I wish they were, but they disregard it. I tell them fun things that go on and keep them informed of what’s going on in my life, but maybe they see that as me depending on them emotionally because although I’m only keeping them informed to protect them (so they know I’m doing well and okay) they act like I’m doing it to seek their approval or advice or something. All I’m trying to do though is bond with them. When I DON’T tell them how things are going they think I’m being bad and am ashamed of myself and therefore have something go hide. Like I said, though, all I’m trying to do is show them that I have a life, and I want them to be a part of it and I have nothing to hide. Anyway, I just wanted your thoughts on the matter. I can’t decide whether or not I should tell them the cliffnotes of what I’m up to and/or pay much attention to their behaviors toward me. Or if perhaps you have food for thought that perhaps I haven’t thought about yet. Anything would be appreciated! And thank you for reading this very long note on this matter :P
- Leslee
Monday, Oct 20, 2008 - 1:44:21 AM
This blog is cool. I should talk to my parents and make peace with them but its pointless to me. Right now im dating a black guy and i know they want approve so ive been keeping it from them. Ever since i been dating him i havent had a fun or happy time with my parents.I wanna tell them about my boyfriend but i just cant. They jus want understand. Im ready to graduate high school so i can leave here and never come back. :(
- Jessica
Sunday, Oct 19, 2008 - 3:55:06 PM
i get along fine with my parents but my brother and siter hate my stepmom my brother told her she shouldnt have merried my dad and i cant do anything about how there treating her i feel alone and i cant talk to my brother and sister i havent talked to them in 5 days!
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Sunday, Oct 19, 2008 - 1:22:02 AM
I have not actually ever had abusive parents, they have been hard and unfair but what parents have not? When I was growing up and my family was having hard times, I did two things. I prayed and I wrote. I prayed to God to give me the strength to get through the tough times, to help me not be so hostile, and to be the best I could be in every aspect of my life no matter what was going on at home. I am a natural writer so I wrote about my feelings, I wrote about my day, I wrote about how I thought others feel, I just wrote to write. Both things help a lot to get through tough times.
- Amy
Saturday, Oct 18, 2008 - 8:34:25 PM
My parents don't even sleep in the same bedroom. I've never seen them show any kind of affection towards one another. My dad has threatened to leave. He's always commenting about how she looks...never good enough. He's hit me...pinned me to the ground. They are too religious for a divorce.
- Sarah
Saturday, Oct 18, 2008 - 3:24:15 PM
Thanks for the blog. Im only 16 and I am dealing with my parents having a hard time letting me grow up. My dad uses the excuse that my grades are to low to get a drivers license. Really they would be fine any other six weeks. Also my parents tell me to do things and they know what they are telling me is pointless torture. I mean Cmon my mom cant even open a door that shes holding the knob to. But I happen to not be able to go out with my friends becuase I wouldnt give her a piece of candy.......does that seem odd to anyone else?
- Demian
Saturday, Oct 18, 2008 - 11:24:59 AM
Well i live with my grandmother, because my parents werent safe people.
and my grandmother sometimes gets "out of controle" if you kow what i mean.
i try to communicate with her,
but she never listens.
when i was growing up,
all she would do is beat me till i couldnt walk or choke me or something.
she drinks alot too.
shes very racis also.
theres nothing i can do for her to listen,
she doesnt see the damage shes done,
and im invisible to her.
im just her for her to smack somebody around.
but now im 13 and she stop hitting me,
but she still threatins me.
its not as bad, but she still NEVER listens.
- Emma
Friday, Oct 17, 2008 - 9:21:45 PM
I get frustrated with my mom because when I moved an hour away for college, she called me every single day until she got too busy with work to do so. I know she loves me, but I think that because my sister, while in college 13 hours away, lost contact with her and my dad and later made a really bad decision that emotionally tore my mom up really bad, she's overcompensating so I won't do something similar. I know it's all out of love, but it still gets frustrating.
- Jonathan
Friday, Oct 17, 2008 - 5:04:50 PM
i loveee thiss blogggggg! (:
- ~ comment from our DMLive MySpace friend ~ kalaaa
Friday, Oct 17, 2008 - 5:03:12 PM
im really excited for your upcoming blog about dysfunctional abusive parents im glad that is so much needed.for years ive felt like i never really truely even had a family,especially a father.physically,they are there, but emotionally,i felt abandoned and lost.by all the fighting,violence,drinking,secrets,lies,you name it.so many of us grow up like this its all we know.ive even said to myself i never wanna get married cuz i look at the ugy my mom married and think is she truely even happy...always havin to answer someone and someone controlling her like that,im never gonna get married and let that happen to me too.thanks dawson i love ur blogs u help so much.
- emily
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