On my blog I have found myself talking about issues few people are willing to confront. And yet, it is right below the surface of everyday life for millions of young people. It’s real. It hurts. And does untold damage. I’m talking about abuse, physical abuse. Please keep reading this blog no matter how painful it is for you. Remember, either you have been or are being physically abused, or you know someone who is. If this blog helps one person start the journey of healing, it’s completely worth it. Maybe that one person is you.
|
Physical abuse is caused by a person’s inability to control their anger or frustration. | A girl who commented to me about her abuse said it well: “I still struggle from day to day trying to figure out my life and what I did to deserve it.” The fact is, she didn’t deserve it. No one deserves it. I want you and this abuse victim to know there is hope. Regardless of what you’ve been through, no matter how you’ve been treated, you can still live a joyful, fulfilling life.
There’s nothing pretty about physical abuse. It is painful even to talk about it. In fact there is much confusion and denial over even what it is. But it can include:
- striking, slapping, kicking, biting
- punching, pinching, pushing, pulling
- cutting or shooting
- locking in or out of a room or false imprisonment
- strangling or any kind of torture
- drowning
- exposure to freezing cold, heat (burning), or electric shock
We’re not talking about accidental injury. This is done intentionally by someone in authority over you to cause feelings of intimidation, pain, injury, or other physical suffering or harm.
Who Is An Abuser and Why Does He/She Do It?
|
Always remember any abuse is not, or never will be, your fault. | Physical abuse can happen to anyone. And it is next to impossible to recognize an abuser. He could be the charming guy who lives next door, or the attractive teacher at school. In most cases, the person causing the abuse is a family member. But abuse can also be done by an older sibling, relative, guardian or another person responsible for your care.
Why do they do it? Typically, physical abuse is caused by a person’s inability to control their anger or frustration. This anger usually is about things that have nothing to do with the person they are abusing, such as job or personal stresses, loneliness, depression, lack of friends, psychiatric disorders, having been abused themselves, or many times, alcohol or drug abuse.
Always remember any abuse is not, or never will be, your fault.
|
If you are being physically abused, the most important thing you can do is find someone you can trust and seek his or her help. | The blame for abuse lies completely with the abuser. I received a comment from a person whose parents abused her. Every person who has ever been abused needs to read this comment. “Something I learned that really helped me while I was growing up, was that I had to realize it wasn't my fault - that I didn't make them act that way and that I didn't deserve what was being done to me. It's so easy to fall into a trap of self-blame. You feel like you're more of an adult than your parents are, so you accept responsibility for things that are actually their responsibility. ‘I should have known better than to say that’ you tell yourself, or ‘they wouldn't get so angry if I didn't mess up all the time.’ But those are lies. The truth is that your parents are sick people. And it's not your fault that their sickness is affecting your life.”
If you are being physically abused, the most important thing you can do is find someone you can trust and seek his or her help. No healing from physical abuse takes place without this first very important step.
|
Even if you have been physically abused, you still have the ability to control how you feel and your response. | This last week, I received one of the most powerful comments ever. Please heed the advice of Jeremy: “Abuse is wrong no matter what! Please don't stay quiet. Speak up and tell someone. I promise you will have a better life if you tell than if you stay quiet. I lost my twin brother to suicide because of not being able to talk to someone about his problems because of the abusive home situation. PLEASE SEEK HELP FROM PEOPLE WHO CARE!!”
You can always call my Hope Line: 1-800-394-HOPE (4673). If you are in immediate danger, contact the police (911) as soon as possible. You can also call the Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline at: 1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453).
Remember there is always hope. Even if you have been physically abused, you still have the ability to control how you feel and your response. Read the words of someone who was seriously abused: “They may do things to try to make you feel angry or helpless or hopeless, but you don't have to give them that part of yourself. You don't have to believe what they tell you or allow them to break your spirit. How they treat you is their choice; but how much you let them control the way you feel - that's your choice. If you can learn to control your own feelings, regardless of what they do or don't do - that's what will help you survive.”
Next week, I will blog about other things you can do if you are abused. By sending me your stories and insight, you will help me write what I need to write.
Friday, Nov 14, 2008 - 8:46:26 PM
when i was on 9th grade i got abused by my ex boifriend and his cousins, i was forced to ******** all three of them, its a sad expericance for me later i found out that i got re-corded and he tried to backmail me and since i didnt want to do it he put it on youtube, its beenhard for me im lucky i have a boifriend that loves me
- kayla
Thursday, Nov 13, 2008 - 10:57:09 PM
I have also been physical abused by my ex boyfriend I was 15 and he was 18. I never told anyone except for now. Now the only things I get from him is the bad memories. He also tried to rape me but my father walked in and stopped him from even trying. I was knocked out when all this happened. He even tried to kill me a few times. I am 17 now and a few nights ago he came into my room and strangled me but I managed to get out of his grasping hands around my neck. I had a lamp on my nightstand and I pretty much just smashed it over his head. I still have the nightmares and every time when I think about that night I start to cut, but I am trying not to cut for my boyfriend's sake. And Thank You Dawson McAllister for helping me when my counselor couldn't help.
- Audrea
Thursday, Nov 13, 2008 - 10:56:17 PM
yea...ii was/am in an abusive relationship..with most of my boifriends, my biological father...my own family...wuts new?? thats nomoral for me....iz my fault all of it happen anyways..so iz my punishment! and ii will coninue taking it, because iz all on me!
- ladyamiss
Thursday, Nov 13, 2008 - 5:12:23 PM
Im very lucky to have two loving parents who have never harmed me. And i realize to those that have been hurt that this isnt easy. But if you are in a situation like this do not be afraid to talk about it. Tell SOMEONE. I recommend the book "A Child Called It" by David Pelzer. I started it and couldnt put it down.Then i read the ones after it. It is amazing to read about his journey of abuse and surviving and then thriving.
- Shelby
Wednesday, Nov 12, 2008 - 8:49:07 PM
this is a really good blog i really understand the physical abuse on how it hurs some one so this is a really good one
- Ulrich C.
Wednesday, Nov 12, 2008 - 3:09:34 AM
yes dawson i have been sexually and verbally,physically,mentally abused i had and still am having counseling for it its hard to over come but the most imortant thing is TALK ABOUT IT. it has helped me alot
- heather
Wednesday, Nov 12, 2008 - 2:30:31 AM
I have been sexually abused by my grandpa when i was little and never told anyone well since i didnt he kep on doing it until i was 12 im 14 know and just started telling people about it when he died and after my ex boyfirends bother tried rapeing me its hard to trust guys because of iti have been with my boyfriend for 6 months and we love each other he does anything for me and i told him about it and he understands to keep his bounderies im happy i got myself out of that position. Thank you Dawson
- Karina
Wednesday, Nov 12, 2008 - 1:06:04 AM
Well, I didn't exactly go through sexual abuse, but the guy I was with attempted it. We had only been dating for about one day and he decided that he loved me and wanted to marry me. I was slightly creeped out, but I figured he'd back off a bit after we'd been dating for a while longer. Then, 3 days into the "relationship" he started hinting that he wanted to make out with me. About 6 days into the "relationship" we made out and then he started talking about sex. He tried to pressure me into it. He kept trying to -do- stuff - and I told him to stop. He layed off a little, but he was still trying to pressure me into having sex. I didn't give in, but I ended up breaking up with him the next day cuz I found out he was doing pot and other stuff. I was glad when I received an email saying that you were going to be talking about this because I feel it is very important that more people understand how important it is to not take that stuff from anyone no matter what.
- Alli
Wednesday, Nov 12, 2008 - 12:05:03 AM
well i got rapped and ever since then i haven't been myself its been 1 year and like 2 months and like i dont know how to explain it i just anit my normal old self.. I've been having a lot more arguments with my mom and I've been having trouble managing my anger and stuff.. and I've been feeling cautious about my body. but i went to consoling and it just wasn't helping me a all so i talked to some adults i could trust and i still am and there just giving me advice left and right now. so girls or boys out there just i know its hard I've been there but look all you really need to do is TELL someone if you havent!
- brandi
Tuesday, Nov 11, 2008 - 10:20:58 PM
i listen to you and everytime i do its just really random. like i will wake up out of a dead sleep and turn on the radio sunday night and there you are. i read about abuse i cannot help but say that emotional/verbal abuse is just as painful as the physical abuse. i just recently got out of a relationship with a guy who was ten years older then me and i think that i orginally thought that since he was older then there was no way that he would hurt me or use me. in the end i ended up giving into everything he wanted and am now left with all the emotional baggage from that relationship. his hurtful words will forever be in my mind and now my stuggle is trying to get over it and forgive him. its crazy because i ran away from my home, family, friends, and church to be with this guy and in the end it was the worst mistake of my life. it has been almost 3 months since i've been home and i was only gone for 3 months and yet i feel as tho my heart is still breaking. i have tried everything to get him out of my mind and yet i still cannot help the fact that i love him. suddenly it feels as tho the verbal and sometimes physical abuse was never really that bad and i really wish things would work out. there is so much more to this story but i dont want to totally ramble on. i would like to get over this but it seems that i cant and its just getting worse and worse. do you have any advice? i have read your past blogs on how to deal with a break up but this was my first real love and unfortunatley it was not a pure relationship. thanks dawson i love your show and will definitely be listening.
- anna lynn
Tuesday, Nov 11, 2008 - 1:32:35 PM
Sexual Abuse is very hard to deal with and well my father molested me growing up and well it took years to ever be open to anyone about it. But I eventually was open with a therapist and after that it got easier to talk about it. I went like nearly 16 years without ever admitting anything happened. And this is even after my father passed away. I think the biggest thing that helped me was to talk about it and be honest about what happened. I finally felt better when I was able to be open. Don't get me wrong I still sometimes deal with thoughts from it along with all of the other abuse I had to deal with. I think it makes it easier knowing he isn't around to hurt me anymore. I mean it was so hard to deal with that I started cutting and harming myself but I am now 3 months free of this issue and doing great. I have a boyfriend finally and we are in a great relationship.
- Tiffany
Tuesday, Nov 11, 2008 - 3:17:51 AM
hey i jus want to let u no u helped me alot with my problems but now i got a new one this girl im goin out wit her and a bunch of ppl tell me she is cheatin on me but i belive her and this keeps gettin in our bessiness and he wants to fight me all the time i luve her and all but i have dought in my mind that she is cheatin on me
- lee
Tuesday, Nov 11, 2008 - 3:15:48 AM
i was sexually, physically, veribally and mentally abused by my grandfather whom i lived with. He would beat me then touch me and on occasion rape me. Their were times when he encouraged my cousin to touch me in front of him. It has been reported but i am still having a hard time. I dont know what to do, how to deal i just turned sixteen.
- brittany
Tuesday, Nov 11, 2008 - 2:37:06 AM
i was raped by my uncle's brother when i was 15 and i started seeing therapists cause i started gettin into severe depression
- sam
Tuesday, Nov 11, 2008 - 2:36:51 AM
I think that physical abuse is directly tied to the abuse of the abuser. But this can manifest itself in may ways. In my opinion, it seems that the abuser is always older and is often a guy, and that tells me that that person is reflecting his own life and projecting it on an innocent other, often a young girl.
- charlie
Tuesday, Nov 11, 2008 - 2:35:47 AM
Mentally my mother and me are nagging at one another. She tells me that she doesn't want me, and that she doesn't love me. And thats not right, although I don't control her feelings toward me. I thought a mother can love her child forever, maybe she does and just gets sick of dealing with my daily problems/concerns about me. I on the other hand, don't start it. Now, thats something a child will say, yet this is true. I will try to have a good talking to with her over something, and she will instantly start to yell and swear at me. But, she is under a lot of stress, I do understand that humans can only take so much before blowing up, and she hasen't, shes a mother of five children and our father isn't around, she is a strong women, but I just wish she would find different means of venting.
- Kent
Tuesday, Nov 11, 2008 - 12:06:28 AM
I was abuse by my mom and what you should do is seek help. Thats what I did and my brother got out. But when you are phisicaly abused you are amotionaly abused too and scared for life. Sometimes you have to defend yourself and don't let your abuser make you think it's ok for them to do what they did or are doing to you.
- Rickee
Tuesday, Nov 11, 2008 - 12:05:44 AM
dawson i have a ? for you what if had a friend and was married and he cheat on her with me i said no and he was in the army and ten diffent girls to now shes wants fight me
- Crystal
Monday, Nov 10, 2008 - 2:32:45 AM
i listen to you every chanceni get and you are a great person and i know you have helped change alot of peoples lives and home lives out there thank you i may have not had a personal expereance yet but i will get on the air and talk to thank you always sara
- sara
Monday, Nov 10, 2008 - 1:46:15 AM
YOu are the best talk show host on the radio. I love your show, to old to call you though, I'm 28. Just wanted you to know that I love your show, me and my wife. We live in Anchorage, Alaska. We listen every chance that we get. Keep it up. Nelson
- Nelson N.
Monday, Nov 10, 2008 - 1:33:44 AM
Please do not publish my email. I am a therapist professionally.
I did not deal with my being raped and sexually abused for over 35 years. I was leading a group for those in recovery from drug and alcohol abuse when I "snapped," at the testimony of another victim, and remembered the sexual attack and group rape while a college student at a major university. I did nothing at the time because the thinking was "I must have done something wrong (drunk) or deserved it (not worthy of respect). I did not report it as I felt "the guys" would be believed as NCAA star athletes; charges would be dismissed because they would stick together. I just buried it and thought the tragedy of memories would go away. I know now and have know for years those are lies of the enemy. I have been in therapy myself. I have shared with other victims and been able to encourage them that only through Christ, His redemption and his grace can I go on healthy and whole, continuing to heal internally and spiritually. I was able to confront one of my perpetrators and of course he denied that he violated me; however, I know he KNOWS I told the truth. I consistently go back to my faith, to draw strength from the Lord, pray each time the enemy brings thoughts to my mind. I rebuke them in Jesus' name. I quote Scripture. I take a stand in Jesus' name that the enemy has NO power over me or my thoughts. I receive encouragement from being able to help minister to other vics as well. I praise the Lord (God says He inhabits, lives in, resides in and surrounds us, in the praises of His people.) I am cautious about what I watch on tv. I keep alert to what I see. If I feel at risk, I turn it off or change the channel. We must use good sense and follow God's guidance as we continue to heal. I thank God for His goodness.
- PJ
Sunday, Nov 9, 2008 - 11:43:25 PM
I like the things you are talking about because I can relate to over half of your blogs, but I have a question for you... I was never physically abused, but what are the differences in effects between mental/verbal abuse and physical? Just wondering...
- Meged
Sunday, Nov 9, 2008 - 10:15:36 PM
I've just sucked it up to "Stuff happens in life" and I can't sit here and let that get me down. I've cried for the lose, but I've surrounded myself with AWESOME friends and extricated myself from the person who did it to me. :-)
- Ray
Sunday, Nov 9, 2008 - 10:07:00 PM
Last Thanksgiving i was with my best friend and we had went to the movie and i stayed the night with his sisters after. well the next morning he woke me up and wanted to have sex with me. I said no. But he refused! he got mad and started raping me. i couldnt yell. then after he told me not to say anything or else. so i didnt. but this past january i finally told someone. and i got the help i needed. but i still have bad memories bout that morning. what hurt me the most, is that he was my best friend. or atleast i thought he was. and lets just say now. i dont talk to him!
- Bailee
Sunday, Nov 9, 2008 - 9:06:15 PM
I was sexually abused when I wa 8 years old by my cousin. I was really close to my cousin adn i remmember one day i was at my grandmas and he was in the process of sexually abusing me in the closet. My grandma walked in and he ended up going to DT. I was not his only victim. He had like 15 other victims. I never thought that it would really effect me but as i grew older and started expirmenting with boys that wanted to go all the way i found i couldn't because of flashbacks. with much conseling and help and love i have overcommed flashbacks but sometimes i still dream about him. I just tell myself it was never my fault and move on with my life,
- Nikki
Sunday, Nov 9, 2008 - 8:27:24 PM
thank you dawson you have made me think usally i keep my problems to myself but you have insipired me to tell people and get help thank you so much!!!
- Mikaela
Saturday, Nov 8, 2008 - 7:26:33 PM
Thank you dawson ...
you have inspired me to tell someone about my childhood...
again thank you
- paula
Saturday, Nov 8, 2008 - 5:50:06 PM
dawson I want to thank you for writing this blog, you have inspired me.
- D.D
Saturday, Nov 8, 2008 - 3:02:24 PM
I just wanted to add onto how you said "how people treat you is their choice." i totally agree with that and it goes along with the way people treat you is their karma, but the way you react is yours." I totally agree with both of these statements. anyways thanks for doing what you do!<3
- Kaitlyn
Friday, Nov 7, 2008 - 11:56:01 PM
I was abused for several years in my childhood and now as an adult get to deal with the affects it has on me in relationships or lack there of. I never got to have closure due to the person who abused me died when I was 16 and due to him being a close family friend and no one ever knowing about the abuse, I was pushed into going to the viewing and funeral/graveside service. I know that God doesn't give us more than we can handle and I do know we go through things for a reason and can learn from it but sometimes the pain, the feelings, thoughts and emotions are just so overwhelming at times. I share this because I want other survivors to know that the feelings they have are normal for someone who has been abused. With time the overwhelming feelings can subside and life can get better if you just give it time. Don't give up!
Thank you Dawson for all you do for people. I always enjoyed going to the conferences you had yearsss ago with Al Denson.
- Corie
|
