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It’s been a difficult series of blogs to write about the various kinds of abuse. I’ve talked about physical, sexual, and verbal/emotional abuse. There is one more kind of abuse I’d like to address before concluding next week with a detailed list of how you can learn to deal with abuse going on in your own life, or help someone you know who is going through abuse.

What Is Neglect or Abandonment?
You can be considered neglected or abandoned when you don’t know where your parents are, if they have left you alone, or have failed to maintain contact with you. It also includes being left alone in circumstances where you suffer serious harm, lack adequate food, housing, clothes, medical care, even education or supervision.

Abandonment can include just walking away from the family, it can include divorce, and it can even include suicide.

You might be thinking, “I’m old enough, I can handle being on my own.” So many kids wait around an empty home for their parent(s) to come home from work everyday. While I don’t want to dismiss the emotional effects of this, I’m talking more about a situation where you have no idea when or if your parents might ever come home. Sometimes older siblings are left to take care of younger siblings for extended periods of time. I’m not talking about babysitting. I’m talking about not knowing where mom is, or where dad is, and having to find a way to survive on your own. This is neglect and abandonment.

This also includes a parent who disappears from a child’s life. It can happen at a very young age, or it can even be when you’re a teenager or young adult. Abandonment can include simply walking away from the family, or it can include divorce, and it can even include suicide. The common factor is an outright decision by the parent to not be a part of their child’s life any longer.

Netasha expressed her sadness over having her father leave her mother when she got pregnant. "They went through all the court stuff and he told the judge I was his mistake and that he wanted nothing to do with. So it’s not that I hate him or anything, I'm just disappointed in his decision. It would have just been easier growing up with him around. I'm about to graduate high school and go to college and he isn’t even here to watch me get my diploma. It’s heartbreaking."

With a parent who has abandoned a child, it’s easy to try to fill that void with unhealthy relationships. Kristy commented on how she’s lured into relationships with destructive guys: “I am lured to these guys because I have almost no relationship with my father, and I want to replace that missing love with a boyfriend. Having the poor relationship with my father makes me feel like I did something wrong or need to prove I'm worthy of love from a man. Therefore, I'm attracted to a jerk who will test my limits and make me endure mentally and emotionally scarring situations to prove I am worthy.”

It’s easy for anybody, regardless of age, to think the disappearance of their parent is somehow their fault. This is not the truth. As a young person, you cannot carry the blame for a grown adult’s abusive decision. They are simply operating out of their own place of hurt and pain, and that can be caused by a number of things, in particular, their own abusive upbringing.

As a young person, you cannot carry the blame for a grown adult’s abusive decision.



Neglect and abandonment are huge issues, and can actually be the form of abuse that leads to almost all other addictions. It’s normal to feel angry when you have been betrayed, abandoned or hurt in some way. If that anger is not dealt with, you will soon become bitter and blame others for the pain.

Neglect and abandonment are huge issues, and can actually be the form of abuse that leads to almost all other addictions.

If you determine you are living in a neglect/abandonment abusive situation, it’s important that you tell someone. Find someone you can trust to talk about what’s going on at home. It will help you get perspective on your situation, and help you decide what actions you need to take to protect yourself. You can always call my Hope Line: 1-800-394-HOPE (4673). If you are in immediate danger, contact the police (911) as soon as possible. You can also call the Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline at: 1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453).

Travis also has some good advice: “It definitely helps to have two or three good friends you can turn to anytime you need anything. I usually try and make myself to be one of those friends they can turn to, a shoulder to lean on, and someone they can confidently trust.”

There is always hope, and next week, I’m going to give you specific ways to deal with abuse going on in your own life, or someone you know. I look forward to hearing from you the ways you have discovered how to survive an abusive situation. Please write and tell me your stories of hope.

Saturday, Dec 13, 2008 - 12:21:06 PM
this helped me so much! i have some really good friends that told me about your site and even emailed me for you. they havent been my friends for long, but have already proved to be the best. thank you again!
- Christy

Saturday, Dec 13, 2008 - 12:26:21 AM
Before i was born my dad left and gave my mom money for an abortion. My mom then married a guy named mike. He loved me but when he found out that i wasn't her child, he got a divorce. I was too young to remeber but my mom told me about him.THen, when i was around three, my mom lived with a guy named Dave D. He was the worst ever. He abused my mom for 1. Also he ended up turning my lock insideout and i was locked in my room for hours. In addition to all that, my mom quit school in highschool so she couldn't get a job. Another thing Dave did was send my mom to jail for something she didn't do. Suprising enough, my mom had a kid with him. My mom finally took me and my sister to my grandfathers house. We were fine there until my grandfather moved. He left us there and had to shut down the power AND gas. We lived with no electricty, money, and power for at least a month and a half. This was around winter without heat. Soon dave found out and called police. Me and my sister were separated. She went with her dad,dave, and i went with my grandfather. I have lived with my grandfather for 4 years now and it has been good. I am 12 years old and my sister is 8 and still living with her evil dad. My mom is living with her boyfriend (he is actually NICE). I visit them every once and a while. I get sad sometimes when i think of all the other kids who grew up normaly, with a mom and a dad and there was me who didn't even live with his parents. This stresses me out sometimes, but i try to keep positive. But nobody can bring me down! I have searched for someone that has a similar problem like me but never have.
- Austin E.

Friday, Dec 12, 2008 - 3:04:16 PM
This is in reference to Michelle's messege. I wish I could do the same, calm down when I have a problem. I've made mistakes in my life that I wish I had not, a time machine would come in good use, but then things in the future wouldn't be the way they would have been. Various things have happened recently that i wish haden't, but they set in place other things, that i'm glad did happen. Everything happens for a reason, although sometimes we doubt that. My issue, the problem that I posted about before, isn't so big anymore. I've spoken to a trusted adult about it. And now I can look past it, and move on. I hope eventually, all goes well for you. And to Chelsea's issue, Sometimes the things in the past will come back and haunt you, this evidently is one of them. I highly doubt you did anything wrong, I don't know the entire story. But don't blame yourself for the problems with court. Sometimes those who do wrong get away with it, and sometimes they don't, hopefully the person who abused you will get a good punishment for his actions. Good luck.
- Kent T

Friday, Dec 12, 2008 - 12:11:41 AM
I deal with abuse by 3 mottos 1. Someone always Loves you 2. You control your own happiness 3. I choose to be happy I control my own feelings. I choose not to live every day of my life in sadness. I just calm down after we have a fight, or something goes wrong. Its not my fault I'm being abused, and I don't feel I should have to feel bad or ashamed about it. Its life, stuff happene, and I accept that. Its not right, but I don't have a time machine, I can't go back and make my life perfect. But I am happy, and I will never let anyone bring me down.
- Michelle

Thursday, Dec 11, 2008 - 6:32:05 PM
i have been abused when i was 5 years old and now everything is coming back up in court. what do i do
- Chelsea B.

Thursday, Dec 11, 2008 - 1:59:35 AM
I've been meaning to call into your show lately. This isn't exactly abuse. I've been seeing a girl for the past 8 months. We've had our times of trouble. She wasen't faithful for a while, I wasen't perfect. She got in trouble with her parents for doing something extremly wrong at school, and got grounded for two months. We haden't seen one another in a while, and I got a ride to see her one night, we snuck inside, And engaged in sexual intercourse, would be the correct way to put it (Oh I love google.) I love her, I really do. I just don't think it was smart on my end for her to be my first time and myself to be hers, when neither of us have been faithful. I do however, think she was telling me the truth that the last time she cheated, she was done. And same for me. But i'm worried this will lead to her thinking that she can cheat, and i'll keep looking past it. With her, I hurt. Without her, i'm basically alone. I do however have friends, who aren't very wise. And various people around me to talk to, none of which I can trust not to report back to my mother (Theres a real story) So I don't know what to do. Maybe you'll be able to help me. Thanks.
- Kent T

Wednesday, Dec 10, 2008 - 11:37:09 PM
I posted in your other blog about my addicted parents. Thank you for writing this. I have not found a way to cope with it. I have resorted to drugs. I do smoke marijuiana daily & pop pills on occasion. I try to avoid harder drugs knowing what it does to them helped me stay away. I have resorted to sex & love in a boyfriend too. Its mentally & physically drained me... I don't have the friend(s) I tell everything too. And my good friends do realize what is happening without me evening having to explain it all... just the addiction, my home (the way my room looks), & the way we communicate explains enough. Even though I am an "adult", I do blame my parents for the way I am, & they blame me for not having a job/dropping out/ect. So it's the blame game, & it has turned to bitterness & coldheartedness. When I was a pre-teen I was filled with all the anger, & that has passed b/c it got me no where but trouble. I just live in sadness. I hate to think MY parents could be neglectful, that itself puts me into a depression state-of-mind... & today, this moring, after *another* sleepless night, & a few panic attacks, I called my nearest Health Department Social Worker. We didn't talk long, & I just don't know what to do anymore. But she does want to speak with me again, & stay in touch. I'm not sure if I have the strength to do it, but I finally had the strength to call.
- Stephanie

Wednesday, Dec 10, 2008 - 9:03:33 PM
wow i think what you say in this blog is really good because i have a best friend that has went through like every thing your explaning
- makayla

Wednesday, Dec 10, 2008 - 2:19:31 AM
hey chelsie Theres gonna be a lot of things in life that will bring you down. I have not had ONE decent relationship. You need to open up to your FRIENDS, family, and people you know that wont hurt you. BOYFRIENDS dont count!!!! Cutting is an easy way out. Dont do it. You will soon regret it, because not only is it a temporarily "pain reliever" it leaves scars. Dont drink, dont smoke, dont do anything. Talk to your friends, family, and people who you can trust and ask them to help you through it so you are not going through it alone. Most importantly, talk to Dawson. Yours Truly, Brittany
- Brittany W.

Wednesday, Dec 10, 2008 - 1:06:40 AM
Hey dawson i listen to you alot. the only feeling i even know is abandonment.when i was 5 my dad almost killed the person i thought was my real mother. so we ran to california and there is where i met my real mom. at that time i also met my sister and my brother. i started school thinkin everything was going well. i remember being called to the office and getting told the news that my dad was gone. he went to prison. i was heart broken. my dad rapped and beat me from 3 to 5 but he was the only person i knew. i didnt tell my mom untill 6 th grade and i wasn't even the one that told her my cousin did. as i got older i realized he was never coming back. 9 years later we mange to get a hold of him and i find out i have a lil sister. i'm scared for her because she is 5 the same age i was. my sister ended up writing a suicide note with ME in it so a hole bunch of stuff went done and he ran again. now my mom got 25 years in jail because she thought drugs was the key to everything. i has a boyfriend of 3 years but he got taken by child services and its been 9 months since i have seen him. my sister is only 11 months older then me and at the first chance she could she left. i feel like i have no1 and no1 is here for me. i only have 4 ppl in my life and 2 are expected to die soon so says the doctors. and out of all that i stopped believing in god. if any1 reads this then give me some advice on how to make through. _depressed icon_
- Katricia

Tuesday, Dec 9, 2008 - 10:15:36 PM
Hey Dawson, i recently started listening to your show within the past month or so. but where i live there is no radio and i have to drive sixty miles from my home to listen. When someone does that it mist be a pretty inspiring show. Now i read your blogs and listen to you online when i can. Thank you Dawson! - Jake G.
- Jacob G.

Tuesday, Dec 9, 2008 - 8:49:20 PM
If you or someone that you know has been exposed to neglect or related forms of abuse, seek professional help. Experts in fields such as psychology, psychiatry, and counseling can assist with emotional recoveries. If you are comfortable, you can speak to a trusted friend or PUBLIC BROADCASTING PERSONALITY Dawson McAllister. ~ LP
- LP

Tuesday, Dec 9, 2008 - 3:03:34 AM
ok i was deeply in love with a guy name josh who left me for another girl this was about a year ago and seen theni have thought about death and i started cutting i just stop about a week ago he sent me an email the other day calling me a s.o.b etc. and now im so confusted i really want to cut again and im starting to think about drinking i have lost many friends over not trusting and or not opening up i always feel alone and like my heart is being stabbed and theres nothing i can do about it im an emo now and im only soon to be 13 i less then a year plez help me -chelsie-
- chelsie

Tuesday, Dec 9, 2008 - 3:02:14 AM
hey i know talk to someone about my mom. Will i have not see my mom in 5 yeas and knoew she came back ot me and my sister and he want me to live with her but i don't know wath to do i livwe with my anut and she want me to mover out for that to live wiht her can u helpp me
- jamie

Tuesday, Dec 9, 2008 - 2:22:49 AM
I would first like to say that you are doing an amazing job. I listen to you all every night and I just wish I could somehow help the people who call you. I am 16, I was in JROTC, I play Varsity Volleyball and I am the "student shrink" at my school. I am new to this school and I moved to the "Boondocks" from NYC. There are times I wish I didn't move here. Well lets see... I was born in 1992. My mom was a single mom and she was trying to make ends meet. My Grandmother soon became obbsessed with me after I got A LOT of media publicity. I was the youngest kid (I was three) to save someones life in the State of New York. I was in parades, all over the news, in newspapers.... I didnt like the publicity. My Grandmother (like I said) became obsessed to have me around her. If we took her to court, there was a couple of times where she almost kidnapped me. Well she ended up telling CPS (Child Protective Services) that I was being beat by my mother. She ended up convincing me that my mother was beating me. I was a "yes-child" i believed EVERYTHING she told me. Well I was taken away from my mother and instead of being with my G-ma, I was put in Foster-care. My foster parents didnt like me... they never did. They would call me choice words and tell me that i was bad all the time. Thats why I was there. Well I soon got out and my mom was married. Nathan... thats what his name was. My first step dad. When I was 5 1/2, my mom left for a buisness trip... he sexually molested me. I didnt tell my mom about it until I was 14. I lived with it for 9 years. I am just getting out of a depression. I model for Abercrombie and Fitch. But it just isnt the same. I try to be like other people... Im always happy but im dying inside. If anyone is reading this, if u want u can give me advice to help me overcome this.
- Brittany W.

Tuesday, Dec 9, 2008 - 12:46:42 AM
Hey Dawson i know what it fells like to be abused phsical because i was!!! Im now 14 and i have lived with my aunt for 2 years now and im still suffering from it..Also it affescts me because i have a beatiful sister thet still lives with my mom and she just had a new baby boy and i have not even seen him and he is now a year old....!!!So what should i do i think about it ever day and not to mention what if my sister and brother are being abused theres nothing i can do? what do i do if the die because i cant save them???
- Brooke

Monday, Dec 8, 2008 - 3:16:32 PM
Dawson, i just wanted to say i listen to your show every sunday night and its so inspiring. Ive prayed for the people that come on the show and tell their problems. You are an extremely inspiring guy.
- Brooke S.

Monday, Dec 8, 2008 - 12:46:10 PM
Hi! Wonderful site! Great job! Happy holidays!
- dulaatomo

Monday, Dec 8, 2008 - 1:51:29 AM
Dawson, First I want to tell you what a heck of a job you are doing. I was sitting on the bed feeling so bad, and turned on the radio. I started listening to others' problems, and soon my problem seemed so small, really trivial. I am in the medical profession, have a degree, a member of Phi Kappa Phi, Volunteer FireFighter, and a senior about to finish my second degree in Psychology (yeah, I want to be a head-shrinker)...to top it off, I'm also beautiful. (I am NOT concieted, i'm told this regularly, but don't believe it.) I'm telling you all this because people look at me, see "all this I have going for me" (supposidly)and don't see "me". You'd think I could diagnose myself, but it's never easy to look in the mirror and preach. Anyway- I go to work, and come home, take care of my 12yr. old son (who is AWESOME by the way, honor roll, all around GREAT kid!!! I am blessed to have him as a son), do homework, help him with his, and go to bed. 24/7. Other than him, I have nobody. I moved to Kodiak 2yrs. ago, and just moved to Anchorage. Here's the problem... I have no friends... no one I can hang out with, talk to, etc. I feel alienated, and I am very depressed...extremely depressed...I want girlfriends I can call, and chat with, and go hang out with, but when I try to make friends, they either ignore me or avoid me. For example (this happens A LOT), I asked girls at my job to go to the movies (on several different occasions), and they say they're busy, or something. Then I overhear them either talking about how they went out with so-and-so or they ask other girls out after work. It really hurts. My question is, what the heck is wrong with me? Girls don't want to hang out with me, I can't make friends if my life depended on it, and guys don't look twice at me...I usually end up approaching a guy, we go out once or twice then I never hear from them again...I love my son to death, but I need interaction with adults, and sorry to say I don't know how to even hold an adult conversation anymore. It's hard to be 3K miles away from your dysfunctional famly (mom, brothers/sisters),AND have NO ONE to talk to. I feel like an outcast in society and no one wants to talk to me. I am scared to date now,because of the situation I just had... which is a good thing because no men look at me twice (yet everyone tells me how beautiful I am, and asks why i'm single,etc.)What is wrong with me? I go out of my way to be friends to people, and they avoid me. What can I do? Should I continue to live like a hermit, and be sad all the time? I've tried to make friends, but only end up feeling left out all over again.
- Debra R.

Sunday, Dec 7, 2008 - 11:39:35 PM
well i think that you (Andrew) should stay with your dad because of the fact you can rebuild your relationship with him and make up for the time he was not there hes your only dad and i think thats what you should do . :)
- steven c.

Sunday, Dec 7, 2008 - 10:54:14 PM
Okay, I'm not sure how to start this. Well I've been abandoned by not one but both of my parents. I live with my step mom who I love more then anything she helps me through a lot. I lived with my real mom for 12 yrs. And my step dad and mom beat each other almost nightly I witnessed it everytime once they finally got a divorce my mom my mom's other son all moved from Tx to fl with my dad and my step mom and my 2 other brother's then within a month she was living with all different guys doing all different drugs and she left on my birthday to move back to tx and and I didn't talk to her for a few years she told me she'd change we finally started talkin this past feb she came to my high school graduation and I thought she changed but she stopped trying to contact me. Then my dad on the other hand I used to be really really close with him then last October he tried to commit suicide he had a seizure in my house because he over dosed on many different types of meds. He talked about how horrible it was that my mom left and how she left but then this year my step mom and dad ended up deciding they were gonna get a divorce so my dad moved into an apartment I wasn't happy with him because he was still doing drugs going in and put of the hospital because of meds but we thought it was just long lasting effects from the first time he over dosed but all the time it was him taking too many pills but once he moved into the apartment he wasn't there long then he up and left to tx just like my mom did... My step mom still talks to him and he doesn't understand why I don't want to talk to him but the night he attempted suicide and I saw him having the seizure he died to me. But what hurts the most is that he abandoned my 2yr old sister and 10yr old brother But I've had the same problem as kristy I tend to look for the things I know..I date destructive guys and no matter what I'm lured to them I know it has a lot to do with everything that has happened...I know we live based on what we've learned. And I don't want to be like either of my parents And everyday I feel like I'm becoming them. I try to act like nothing is ever wrong I talk to a couple selected friends about it but I feel like I'm gonna flip a switch one day and it scares me.
- amanda k.

Sunday, Dec 7, 2008 - 9:47:55 PM
i just am ready to pack up and leave. everyone caters to my 2 sisters and bro-in-law. they completely forget about me. and im ready to go
- lolli

Sunday, Dec 7, 2008 - 1:49:57 AM
hey Dawson! I haven't been through this type of abuse, but I do know what it feels like to be alone. Sometimes I think that absolutely no one around me understands what I'm going through, but I've come to find that this isn't true. I figure that if anyone is feeling this way then they need to open up to those around them and actually give them a chance to understand. It always helps to have a close friend or family member there to share everything with. I know I would still feel alone if it weren't for my sister and my best friend. And by the way, I love your show. I listen every week. You've helped me a lot! Thank you!
- Rebecca

Friday, Dec 5, 2008 - 5:24:58 PM
hey dawson my name is K.C. i have been wanting to talk to you for a while now..
- K.C. Graham