As I have promised, this final blog in my series on abuse gives you specific ways to deal with it. Over the past five weeks, I just scratched the surface of the topic, and revealed the four main kinds: physical, sexual, emotional/verbal, and neglect/abandonment.

There is always reason to believe you will begin to heal and learn how to live a healthy life again.

If you have been abused, you may feel your heart and soul have been put in a cage, and you feel like you will never be normal again. The truth is, there is always reason to believe you will begin to heal and learn how to live a healthy life again.

What are some practical things you can do to help you deal with the abuse you have experienced?

1. Find someone to talk to about what’s going on. We’ve been saying this every week, but it’s so important I can’t say it enough. Try your best to explain what is happening to someone you trust, like a pastor, a counselor at school, a doctor, or a therapist, or perhaps even your best friend.

Celeste commented to me on how she’s survived her abusive home life: “The most important thing you can do is let out your feelings, before you explode and do something irrational like commit suicide or cut, which I did a lot of. If you keep the hate inside, it only multiplies by 10 and leads to disaster.”

You should never blame yourself, or bog yourself down with unnecessary guilt.

2. Take whatever steps are necessary to protect yourself from serious abuse. It’s vitally important for me to mention that if you are living in an abusive situation, it’s not enough just to run away from these destructive authority figures. You must choose to run to someone in a safe place who is wise and can protect, counsel and help you.

3. Let go of any guilt feelings. It’s not your fault you have been abused. And it’s never OK. You should never blame yourself, or bog yourself down with unnecessary guilt. Some victims of sexual abuse actually feel guilty about experiencing pleasure during what happened. This is a normal physical reaction. It doesn’t make the abuse right or acceptable.

If you wish you hadn’t done some of the things you’ve done in the past, you need to forgive yourself. And work on doing better today and tomorrow. Learn from your mistakes. If you get stuck feeling guilty and miserable for past mistakes, you’ll only find more opportunities to make mistakes, and feel even more guilty and miserable.

You still have the ability to be in charge of how you feel about yourself.

4. Think positively about yourself and your life. While your abuser may have physical control over you, he/she does not have to have control over your emotions. You still have the ability to be in charge of how you feel about yourself. Begin to put positive thoughts into your mind about yourself. Flush out the lies you’ve been told and replace them with the truth. For example, you might want to repeat to yourself: “I am a beautiful person, I am a kind person, I am loved, I have a bright future, every day and in every way my life is getting better.” Put these thoughts on cards and go over them again and again. Don’t try to cover over your pain with destructive behaviors like smoking, drinking, swearing, sex or fighting. Instead, at times, learn to be alone or even spend time near water, like a lake or ocean. This will give you a sense of peace and inner-strength.

Justin commented about how he survived in a painful, abusive home situation: “Don't let the negativity of one person make you jaded and cynical toward life itself. There is so much more out there. I found hope in knowing that one day I would be out of the mess and on a better path.”

5. Let abuse be your friend. Let it cause you to go deeper into your life and the life of others as you seek a solution. Allow the pain and hardship you’ve experienced turn you into a compassionate, caring person who can help other people going through their own difficulties. You might be stuck wishing you could just feel “normal.” For most people, “normal” means skating through life, driven by pleasure and comfort, unaware of life’s deeper issues. You are much more awake and alive to the reality of life’s beauty and complexities. If this makes you a deeper, more loving person, then cherish the gift you’ve been given.

Every time it hurts, let it push you back to God and to those who love you the most.

Corie encouraged: “I know we go through things for a reason and can learn from it but sometimes the pain, the feelings, thoughts and emotions are just so overwhelming at times. I share this because I want other survivors to know the feelings they have are normal for someone who has been abused. With time the overwhelming feelings can subside and life can get better if you just give it time. Don't give up!”

6. Forgive your abuser. Realize you are being asked to do the most difficult, but freeing experience possible: You are being asked to forgive those who abused you. Even Jesus said to pray for your enemies – “People will say all kinds of things against you, I say pray for those who persecute you.” (Matthew 5:44)

Jonathan commented: “One of the biggest things someone who lives in an abusive home needs to do is to learn how to forgive. It's not easy, but building up hostility towards the abuser(s) will not help anything.” Forgive your abuser, and then find others who have been able to forgive their abusers, as well.

Check out my blogs on the topic of forgiving others here.

7. Run to God. Every time it hurts, let it push you back to God and to those who love you the most. Rely on God – He promises to be with you, and to never leave you or forsake you.

Your life does not have to be ruined because you have been abused.

Katie commented with this encouragement: “Know that you are a child of God and you are not what others say or make you feel. Life is about experiences and you can learn from it and build yourself up. In this life you are what you make yourself not what others tear you down to be.”

In Conclusion
Your life does not have to be ruined because you have been abused. It is not a death sentence, but a challenge to overcome. You can be a survivor. In fact, you can be an overcomer! Hang onto the confidence that you are still here and willing to deal with it.

Maria encouraged: “There is always help out there, sometimes from people you least expect. There is always hope, don’t give up on it, because if you do, you’re basically giving up on living and loving. Life is too short and too important to live with no hope.”

Thank you for sharing your very personal stories in the comments you submitted. I have learned so much about your courage and hope. I know others have learned, as well. God bless you.

Next week: Christmas is coming up. I’m curious what this holiday means to you! Please send me a comment with your thoughts, and I’ll share some of mine with you next week.

Tuesday, Dec 16, 2008 - 11:52:52 PM
This may seem a little pessimistic, but to me Christmas just means another time when everyone is excited and I can't share in their enthusiasm. I am Jewish, so I can't connect with people around Christmastime. It's just another time when I'm different, the odd one out, a fish out of water.
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Tuesday, Dec 16, 2008 - 11:11:49 PM
Christmas can be such a fun holiday! I know many people who do not always get in the holiday "spirit" because of how clique it can be. I agree on that end, all the holiday giving presents junk. That is NOT what it is about. My family gives some gifts but not a lot. The real thing we celebrate is Jesus. We read the Christmas story out of Luke and just spend time together. I enjoy it because it is the only time of the year where my family does not fight and yell. Christmas is about being with your family and being thankful to your savior.
- Amy

Tuesday, Dec 16, 2008 - 10:08:24 PM
This upcoming holiday is a different time for me. I've come up with this idea, and I'm hoping to affect lives in positive ways. Christmas is something I've always cherished. It's time to be with family and loved ones. It's also a time to help complete strangers on the street and help lift up spirits. Christmas, it seems, is the time where people come out and help each other because it's the kind of holiday that people all love. Forgiveness is a huge thing most people do around this time. It's my kind of holiday.
- Kayla

Tuesday, Dec 16, 2008 - 1:46:56 AM
Dawson, I just want to thank you for all that you do! you are an amazing person!
- danni

Monday, Dec 15, 2008 - 11:37:38 PM
the last i dated abused me and i dont know how to trust another guy now what do i do?
- Summer

Monday, Dec 15, 2008 - 10:35:14 PM
Abuse: whether its any kind of abuse its difficult to cope with. i know because ive been abused as as young child sexually and mentally. But, as time goes by there comes a point in time where you realize its over. You never have to worry about it ever again. that person is gone. My father molested me. that was hard to swallow of my behalf. he was the closed thing to me. and i had to tell on him. i didnt do it because of what he did to me because at that point in time it had gone on for so long it almost seemed normal to me but, i did it because they told me they would help him. and i cared about this low-life so much that i did that. its been almost 5 years, and im doing alright. forgiveness: yeah i forgive him. not for him but, for me. Forgeting: His face runs through my mind everyday... Id love to tell more but, its time to go to school and im not ready :)
- Brooke M.

Monday, Dec 15, 2008 - 5:29:48 PM
Christmas; to me its not only celebrating jesus' birth but, its taking a day to be with people you love and giving... that may sum it up a little better.
- Brooke

Sunday, Dec 14, 2008 - 11:35:51 PM
Christmas- a time to forget your problems and find the good in life by rememberring the birth of Jesus
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