Dealing With Divorce Pt. 3

Going through your parents’ divorce is one of the most tragic experiences you can go through. Unfortunately, it’s become such a common occurrence, it is easy to think you’re supposed to act like it’s no big deal, even though you feel like you’re dying inside.

In an earlier blog, I strongly urged you to realize your parents’ divorce is not your fault. It is also very important to know that whatever you’re feeling, no matter how terrible, you’re not alone. In this blog, let’s talk further ways to deal with your parents’ divorce in a healthy way.

You Can Deal With Your Parent’s Divorce In A Healing Way By...

1) Being Honest About Your Hurt and Pain
Some experts believe the trauma of divorce is more difficult than even the death of a loved one. With the death of a parent, the loss is complete. There’s a certain finality to it. But with divorce, the loss seems to have no ending (you may hope your parents will get back together again), and the pain is ongoing. Rayette said: “Going through divorce is like getting your heart torn in pieces.”

One of the worst things you can do is ignore your true feelings and tell yourselves lies to seemingly help take away the pain. Suppressed or unexpressed feelings can lead to anger, depression, and even addiction.

You are responsible for dealing with your pain and getting healing.

Leigh wrote about how keeping her feelings bottled up created more problems than it solved. “I thought I was protecting myself, but I started getting really angry and I was taking it out on the people around me. I was also so focused on myself that I didn't even stop to think that there were other people who were hurting. So my advice would be to write it out and talk it out. When I told my friend what was going on, I felt like a burden had been lifted off of my shoulders.”

Dealing with the truth about your parents’ divorce may bring you face to face with awful emotional pain. But the hurt, if handled in the right way, will lead to freedom and healing.

2) Refusing to Blame Others and Take Responsibility for Your Own Healing
Just like denial is a trap, you can also fall into the trap of blame—holding others so responsible for your pain that you refuse to be accountable for your own actions. When you blame others, you feel justified in acting out your own anger and destructive behavior.

No one really takes responsibility for their healing until they develop a plan—deciding what kind of person you want to be, how you plan to deal with your parents, and how you would like to grow from this experience.

When you express tears of sorrow, share memories, and talk through your feelings, you can find the power to begin again.

Courtney said she could blame her parents for getting a divorce, but instead she’s choosing to catch a bigger vision for how good her life can be: “I want to believe in ‘true love,’ but have a hard time seeing it because it has never been in a home around me. But when I get married, if I do, divorce is not an option. I cannot and will not raise a child the way I was.”

There’s no question that you, like Courtney, are the victim of your parents’ divorce. But remember, you are still responsible for dealing with your pain and healing.

3) Grieving Over the Deep Loss In Your Life
When your parents divorce, a part of you is ripped away. Something that was so important to you is now gone. And you feel like your life will never be the same again. Divorce shatters the sense of security you had when there was both a father and a mother who loved each other and who would love and provide for you. This is truly heartbreaking.

Talking about your pain is something you must do. You cannot grieve your losses alone.

There’s nothing weak about grieving. When you express tears of sorrow, share memories, and talk through your feelings, you can start to see hope again. Talking about your pain is something you must do. You cannot grieve your losses alone. You must find someone you can trust—maybe a pastor, counselor, therapist, friend, or an adult friend. Both Avangeline and Meagan both confirm this truth from their own experiences.

Avangeline said, “The most important thing is to find one person, that no matter where you go, you can always talk to. Having at least one person to vent to is critical in how you get through hard times.”

Meagan wrote: “My parents got divorced when I was two. I'm thirteen now and I have to go through their horrible parenting. But as long as you have someone on your side to talk to, then you'll find out that it's not your fault and you'll grow out of your pain.”

4) Taking Comfort and Hope from God
God wants to use the people in your life to bring you comfort in your times of sorrow. You might even consider writing a letter to God, expressing your sadness. God knows your heartache and wants to help you.

Wherever you are in the healing process, God wants to comfort you.

Wherever you are in the healing process, God will help you through it. And He wants to use you to help others who are also struggling with the pain of divorce and its consequences. God doesn’t want you to continually see yourself as a victim. Instead, He wants to help you so that by His power you can overcome these difficult experiences. Instead of getting bitter, He will help you get better.

But whatever you do, don’t give up. There is hope for you. Millions of people have gone through what you are experiencing and have overcome their hurt. You can too!

Amanda put it well when she said: “Don't let [your parents’ divorce] control your life…and whatever you do, DO NOT GIVE UP! Do not run. You can’t run from your problems, they will follow you for the rest of your life.”

Why don’t you send this blog to someone you know who is going through the divorce of their parents—perhaps they could benefit from reading this?

My next blog is going to be about gossip and the danger of it, how to rebuild a bad reputation destroyed by it, as well as how to protect your reputation. Let me know how you have survived an attack on your reputation. Your comments will help my writing. Thanks!

Thursday, Jan 21, 2010 - 1:08:48 AM
Dawson, with the next blog about gossip I have a true story for it. I had a best friend who was among the "popular girls," she was a cheerleader, everyone wanted her, ext. Well aparently one of the other girls were jealous by her for taking her boyfriend, and started a rumor about having AIDS. I knew this wasnt true of corse, me and her had dated for quite some time, but others didnt know and full realize that she had only be with one guy. Well after the rumor spread, and being in a high school rumors spread like wild fire she started becoming depressed, and reached the stage where she wouldnt be able to come back out of it without help. She ended up taking her own life over a rumor that someone started because of jealousy. This killed me to hear about it the next day, and I just hope that one day people will see that rumors really do not only hurt other people, but they also hurt themselves. When they are found out about spreading rumors it takes them to a lower level, and degrades themselvs of their respect to others. Everone has spread a rumor occasionaly, but sometimes the rumors get out of hand and could ultimatly lead to worse things than before.
- Max H

Tuesday, Jan 19, 2010 - 10:56:20 PM
Hey Dawson, I know this is a little over due, but i never got a chance to say anything about all of your 'Cutting' blogs. Im 15, and I've been cutting myself since i was 12. Ive gone through so much emotional pain. I want to tell someone, i really do, but my mom and dad, im afraid would hate me forever. My dad never took well on that kind of thing, he doesn't understand any of this. I stay away from my bade now as much as possible, which ive been 'Sober' for about...a year now, but all i want now is to make all the scars disapear off of my skin, so that i can start new, without having to hide under sleeves.
- Eave

Monday, Jan 18, 2010 - 2:48:42 PM
when n how do i kno my grl is really wantn me and kno one else?
- michael

Sunday, Jan 17, 2010 - 2:47:58 AM
hey i got a problem my ex is over here nd i still have feelings for him nd pules i'm engaged to another guy wat should i do.
- jamie house

Saturday, Jan 16, 2010 - 5:03:45 PM
hey dawson, my parents didn't divorce but they have bad fights and have seperated for long periods of time and its hard for me to handle. so i cut more and did drugs more and my mom got me into counseling and all that. it still didn't work. my step dad (which has been the only dad i have had since i was 18 months old) wasn't around but would still text me and call me. and like it hurt so bad, but i didn't say much. and my mom finally told me that i needed to talk to him and tell him how i felt, so i did. in 15 years neither of us have said "i love you" to each other. that day we did and when we talked everything seemed a little better. my parents have now worked things out and are back together after another split up. but i hope that this is the last one. i took some of your tips and tried those and they worked. i know divorce is had, and i haven't experienced all of it, but what i have experienced has been reall tough.
- ieisha

Friday, Jan 15, 2010 - 10:24:56 PM
I said as Courtney that I will never raise a child the way I was because my parents divorced. But I divorced, too. If I look back it seems that the experience of my parents was better tan mine.The process is painful not matter where you are. Now it is worse because I know what my children are feeling.
- Maria

Thursday, Jan 14, 2010 - 1:17:57 PM
As a mom and one that has been through a divorce- I can definitely say to those young ones out there that are going through it with their parents, It is not your fault and they will love you no matter where they are! It is unfortunate, yes, to be in a divorce and isn't always the best. But for those out there that live in a house where both parents fight constantly, or there is abuse going on (which fighting constantly can be considered abuse, and no child should have to live with that), It is probably for the better that the parents are no longer together. I married and had children at a young age (I am now 30) and didn't realize what a marriage was and that things weren't always my fault. I didn't see the abuse that was going on around me at first, and I didn't want to believe. I went through many trying times in those few years that I was married to my ex-and to top it off, having 3 boys with autism. It wasn't until I was able to really open my eyes and my heart, that I was able to see what it was doing to myself and my boys. I have always felt guilty about my divorce, because if I would have just waited I probably would have met the right person and wouldn't have had to deal with it, but I can't change that and I wouldn't have my beautiful boys. I am remarried now, not legal because we chose to have a ceremony with just friends and family to celebrate our love for each other and for the Lord, to the most wonderful man on earth. He tells me everyday, sometimes more than once, that he loves me and he does everything in his life for me and my children. He thinks of my boys as his very own and loves them as if he was the one that helped create them. To you young ones out there, don't get discouraged and don't give up on God or the love your parents have for you. Pray! And I will be saying an extra prayer for all of you tonight, that you have some peace in your homes, hearts and minds. The Lord never fails us and he is always, always right there with you! Those times where it seems to hard, just close your eyes and say " Lord, I am really hurting right now and I just need you to wrap your loving arms around me and hold me" He will do this....I know because this is what I do when times are tough! Your Sister In Christ Monique
- Monique

Wednesday, Jan 13, 2010 - 11:16:31 PM
My parents' divorce was really hard to deal with. It wasn't a quiet split, and oftentimes I witnessed violence and childish acts. Also one parent never moved on from the other and I was in the unfortunate situation of being molested. It is absolutely true that you are responsible for your own healing, noone will dig you out of your own hole. Sadly, years later and I am still dealing with personal issues that stem from their divorce.
- Nic

Tuesday, Jan 12, 2010 - 6:46:13 PM
I have a hard time trusting God. I feel he is very angry with me over my parents divorce and that divorce is an unforgivible sin and that he casts people away from heaven who get a divorce becuase if you get a divorce you were never saved and all that stuff. It is something frightening and scary to deal with.
- aaron

Tuesday, Jan 12, 2010 - 2:09:18 PM
A parents divorce can be very challenge for anyone who is going through one. it is expecially hard for kids cuz they may blam themselfs. i know that is what i did.
- amber