Can I Trust Anyone?

There’s a chance you’re not feeling completely valued and respected by your boyfriend, and you’re simply trying to find something (or someone) to point to as the reason for it.

You have questions about the opposite sex—things that drive you crazy about guys, and things you can’t figure out about girls. These kinds of questions are what I’m answering in this series of blogs. But I can’t do this without you—so thanks for sending me the questions you have. I hope my answers are able to help you understand how it’s possible to have healthy and positive relationships, even though there will always be some confusion about the opposite sex. In the end, it’s just the way life is.

QUESTION #25) Sarah asked: “My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost a year. But all of a sudden I don't feel like I can trust him. He's always had a thing for my best friend. But I don't think I trust either of them right now. What should I do?”

DAWSON: Unfortunately, finding someone who is completely trustworthy is not an easy thing to do. And often your intuition is right. But this doesn’t have to make you a miserable, jealous person, unless you let it. Most likely, you’re simply curious about what’s going on under the surface between your boyfriend and your best friend. Are they spending time together alone? Do you find them talking together, and then they stop when you walk up? Or are they just being nice to each other? Or maybe even harmless flirting?

Jealousy is never a healthy emotion, and it is rooted in fear, insecurity, and selfishness.

There’s always a chance you might be overly sensitive to their innocent behavior. But there’s also a chance you’re not feeling completely valued and respected by your boyfriend, and you’re simply trying to find something (or someone) to point to as the reason for it. But you’re probably afraid your boyfriend will think you’re jealous, or maybe even crazy if you tell him this, and cause a lot of pain with your best friend.

Are feelings of jealousy ever justified? Jealousy is never a healthy emotion, and it is rooted in fear, insecurity, and selfishness. Please don’t waste your time feeling jealous. That kind of stinking thinking only makes matter much worse, and it makes you a miserable person. The one thing you can do is show yourself to be someone who is trustworthy. This includes surrendering your desire to be a jealous or controlling person.

If your best friend is doing things with your boyfriend that make you uncomfortable, such as spending time alone with him or whispering behind your back, talk to her about how much her friendship means to you, and let her know that you need her help to make your dating relationship be as good as it can be. Her response to your request will tell you a lot about whether or not you can trust her. You might need to communicate more clearly with your boyfriend about what you’re feeling. Don’t expect him to be able to read your mind. A difficult aspect of any relationship is having the courage to say the things you need to say the most. These things usually get worked out in the end. So keep the faith and be the loving person you want both your boyfriend and best friend to be.

QUESTION #26) Ben asked: “I have a girlfriend who lives about 120 miles from me—will this work out? We already say that we love each other. I'd love to know what you think.”

Long-term separation is nearly impossible, as many of the best parts of a relationship come out of time when you’re able to be together.

DAWSON: Well, it might work out. Just remember, there are a lot of people who tell each other they love each other, and then break up the next week. There have been many long-distance relationships that have been very successful. But there have been many, many more that haven’t lasted. There is no question it will be difficult for both of you. I’d be curious if your separation is temporary or long-term? If it’s temporary, you’ll need to be committed to keeping in contact with each other on the phone or through email. Long-term separation is nearly impossible, as many of the best parts of a relationship come out of time when you’re able to be together.

A long-distance relationship can be unrealistic, and driven by fantasies about how great the relationship would be if you could just be together.

A long-distance relationship can be unrealistic, and driven by fantasies about how great the relationship would be if you could just be together. Being apart from each other will make it possible to hide some of the weaknesses each of you would bring into a face-to-face, everyday relationship. It makes it much easier to only show your good side to the other person across the miles.

But if you’re just wanting someone to talk to on the phone, you may find great joy in doing that, but you will need to see each other in person at some time or another in order to help keep the relationship realistic and moving forward. If you can, make plans to see each as often as possible. But more than anything, communicate the expectations you have for the relationship with each other so you’re both on the same page.

Thanks for sending in your great questions, I really need your help and appreciate you taking the time to write to me. Please don’t stop asking me the questions that you have about the opposite sex, and I’ll do my best to answer them. You might want to take a look through the previous blogs I’ve written on the blog main page to see if perhaps I’ve answered your question already.

Friday, Apr 24, 2009 - 12:26:12 AM
Dawson, my dad left my mom when i was 9 i am now 16. it seems like whenever i care about a guy i put up walls and i almost always think that for some reason he is going to leave me. i know this probably stems from my dad leaving, but my question is this: How do i stop putting up so many walls in a relationship with a guy? And how do i get pass the thought that the guy will leave me?
- Leigh

Thursday, Apr 23, 2009 - 11:26:25 PM
I am 15 and I keep winding up choosing the wrong type of guys! And finding myself hurt and single. I am about ready to just give up. Because the guy I like I am not sure how he feels and I don't want to be hurt again. Even thought i like he a whole lot!!!
- Amanda

Thursday, Apr 23, 2009 - 1:58:23 PM
I was best friends with the guy a good friend of mine was dating. That caused drama because I used to like him. Me and is girlfriend are still friends but not me and him. I am over him and I want to fix it with him because we were really close. What's the best way to handle this?
- Emily

Wednesday, Apr 22, 2009 - 11:13:51 PM
i was with this guy for a year and six days and i trusted him more then anything in this world. i loved him with all my heart and was heart broken when we broke up. he cheated on me several time with my worst enemy because he never thought i would find out. so no matter how much you think you can trust a person or how much you love someone you might always want to have a little bit of doubt in them at the same time. <3 Ashleigh <3
- ashleigh

Wednesday, Apr 22, 2009 - 10:13:16 PM
I started dating a girl a year ago. I had just started a new job and was off at school for over 4 months and only home on the weekends. We had been dating for about 2 months and I cheated on her with my ex. A year later, we decided to give it another shot. Things were going great for about 3 months until she told me she needed time. She told me anytime she saw my ex out thats all she could think about. I love her and she loves me, but this wall is up and affecting us being together. We are not together, she tells me how much i hurt her. I want to be with her but I want this behind us. I hate what I have done but cannot take it back. There is a guy I work with who is my supervisor that used to be my friend. He has conveniently moved in on her as "someone to talk to". She tells me she has feelings for him and there is nothing she can do about it. I need closure or something...could it work?? If not, help me with closure.
- derick

Wednesday, Apr 22, 2009 - 9:37:07 PM
My boyfriend and I have been dating on and off for a little over a year now and the only reason we broke up is because his ex girlfriend kept on interfering well he lives about 45 minutes away from me and I love him to death and I can trust him and after I graduate I'm going to move in with him.but he sometimes gets upset when I can't visit because I either have to work or my aunt won't let me. and then we talk about it and he's just fine. So I understand what its like not being able to see your boyfriend. But in 5 weeks I get to move in with him.so I understand where all of the people on this blog is coming from.
- paigexoxo

Tuesday, Apr 21, 2009 - 11:04:20 PM
hey dawson i'm 17 and ingaed t a guy who is wonderful woll t last
- danielle

Tuesday, Apr 21, 2009 - 9:39:42 PM
Trust is all that a deep relationship is held together upon. without it we're screwed.
- charlie

Tuesday, Apr 21, 2009 - 8:31:24 PM
How can you trust anyone to keep a love secret, once it gets out everyone makes fun of you and it hurts. What should i do??
- david

Tuesday, Apr 21, 2009 - 4:40:46 PM
Hey Dawson, I've been with my boyfriend for about 2 and a half months now and he's great, he's a good christian guy but I just feel like I'm not good enough for him and he's perfect, but I always feel like I'm being compared to his first girlfriend that he fell in love with, or that I'm just plain out not good for him. He says that's not true, but I can't get it passed me that he's too good for me. or that she was better for him because im not a full on christian like he is. It's starting to affect our relationship, how do I get over this? - Danielle
- danielle

Tuesday, Apr 21, 2009 - 4:07:28 PM
amelia, has he said that ur not good enough for him? what do u think makes u feel this way. if u think that ur not good enough then its kindof normal. but u need to find out where this insecurity is steming from. he may think that ur perfect and may think he not right for u . talk to him about it and quit doubting ur self. best wishes
- sandy

Tuesday, Apr 21, 2009 - 11:36:16 AM
yeah i totally agree with everyone about there dating problems mine is pretty much the same. I don't know what to do about him playing me and screwing me over only using me as a toy. He has been brain washing me and now his best friend is telling me hes just using me and i need to get rid of him but its so hard to just let go of him and move on because i really love him and care about him a lot and to just find out about all this hurts me so bad that i just want to die.
- lillie

Tuesday, Apr 21, 2009 - 2:32:38 AM
My boyfriend and I are in a soon to be long distance relationship, he has to leave do military duties. The problem is, my parents have always felt the need to step in where they don't belong.. and they try to bring us down with saying "You're never going to go for this long distance, not talking to each other much" kind of thing. I don't understand why they can't let us keep the positivity going that we have looking for a better future. How do I tell my parents to just step back and keep their negative thoughts to themselves? I know they have a not so great relationship together as husband and wife and I feel the need to scream at them for trying to give me advice over something they have never had to do with each other.
- Ashley M.

Tuesday, Apr 21, 2009 - 2:32:06 AM
i love this guy he loves me but we live so far apart he wants to marry me but guess what im 17 hes 19.he is also in the marines and i will never be able to see him if we do get married. this is so confusing please help i am in dyer need of help dawson.
- saharra

Tuesday, Apr 21, 2009 - 1:40:04 AM
My boyfriend and I have been together for over 2 years. When we first got together, he told me that he would never make comments about how attractive other women are to me as he felt that was disrespectful. However, over the past year he constantly makes remarks such as, "Id do her" or "shes hot." At first, it didnt bother me. Now, he does it on a daily basis to the point that Ive become insecure about myself. Ive told him how I feel and how much his comments bother me. Ive also asked him to not make the comments so much. He tells me he loves me and that Im overreacting. What do you think of this? Why does he do it? And what can I do to get him to stop?
- Elizabeth

Monday, Apr 20, 2009 - 3:00:59 AM
Hey Dawson, I've been with my boyfriend for about 3 months now and he's great, but I just feel like I'm not good enough for him. I'm 19, he's 21, and he's perfect, but I always feel like I'm being compared to his exgirlfriend from 3 years ago, or that I'm just plain out not good for him. He says that's not true, but I can't get it passed me that he's too good for me. It's starting to affect our relationship, how do I get over this?
- Amelia

Monday, Apr 20, 2009 - 2:01:13 AM
I think I have a trust thing too. It is mainly with my friends. I have had a lot of backstabing towards me, now I usually come to conclusions that I know aren't correct. I am always telling myself that I can't think that way. As a conclusion, I really think your show is great, I listen to it every sunday. You inspire me to become a therapist.
- abby

Monday, Apr 20, 2009 - 1:47:03 AM
right now i am in along distance relationship..i met this guy over the internet we talked for 4 years until finally he told me he was moving 2 hours away from me so i decided to go see him..things happened and his mom made him go back..me living in north carolina and him in new york...2 months after he went back he broke up with me and started getting with girls i begged and begged him to come back he finally did ever since he took me back hes cheated on me 3 times then we been on and off because i am so jealous its not even funny.tonight he went to his friends house around 9 he took the bus for 1 hour to get to his house i asked what time will he be bak he said 3 am!!! i dont get it i got so p***ed off i started callin him gay..i dont know what to do and how to trust him..after everything he has done to me i still havent cheated or done wrong to him..so he has no problems of jealousy or anything towards me...i need some advice please anyone..
- carolina

Monday, Apr 20, 2009 - 12:10:40 AM
hey dawson theres girl i really like but shes 5 years older than me and people tell me its not going to work out will it i wanna hear from you because your a pro
- alexander

Sunday, Apr 19, 2009 - 11:56:26 PM
i had a long distance relationship that didnt last. All because he couldnt handle the distance. i knew he didnt really care about me then. Now i'm hesitant about long distance relationships. They are for some people but i'm not sure if its for me. If its meant to be, its meant to be
- Tara

Sunday, Apr 19, 2009 - 11:15:26 PM
i think that long distance relationships can work! i never thought i would be in a long distance relationship...i thought they were stupid. that was until me and a friend i met in high school and i started talking he stayed in orlando and i had moved to the nashville area with my family. we started dating after i moved and then after 9 months of dating he joined the air force and left for basic he is now being stationed in england for 2 years and we trust each other so much. Trust, Love, Faith, and being Optomistic are the only things that can make it really work. We have been together for almost a year and a half and we are going strong. I think if it were with anyone else I probably wouldnt do it but, i trust him so much and it works!!! :]
- sarah

Sunday, Apr 19, 2009 - 9:46:24 PM
When i like a guy, and they like me back, about a month later they say that i am way to clingy and i need to chill out. I am always having guy problems and need some advice about it. What can i do to solve my so called Clingy problem. I don't even know i'm doing it and this is the reason why no one wants to date me
- Dawn

Sunday, Apr 19, 2009 - 8:18:30 PM
I Listen to the show every single sunday. but i have never called in. see i am only 13 so i have a bedtime and its 9:00 but i always stay up to listen. Its such a great thing that you do for every single person. I am sure it helps them. I always try and help my friends with there problems and i have this problem with a guy right now and no one is helping me. they are just hurting the problem more. i dont know what to do... do you think you can help?
- Emily

Sunday, Apr 19, 2009 - 7:40:05 PM
I have many questions about the opposite sex, but only one that I really want to ask. How soon is too soon to begin a new relationship, after one has ended?
- Amy

Saturday, Apr 18, 2009 - 11:14:26 PM
I listen to your show every Sunday and i love how you let the callers express themselves. I have a notebook on all the blogs i have taken notes on and i look at it frequently. Thank you so much and continue to empower others with the treasures and glory of God.
- jordyn

Saturday, Apr 18, 2009 - 4:17:40 PM
The guy that i've been talking to for 3 months just doesn't talk to me enough for someone who supposedly really likes me and thinks that he would be lucky to have me as his girlfriend (this is what he said). He said he was going to ask me out and then the next day, when we saw each other, he didn't. Then he didn't talk to me for 4 days, at all. This is just really confusing behavior and i don't know if i should keep on going with this relationship. What should i do?
- mk

Saturday, Apr 18, 2009 - 3:01:27 PM
I have been talking to a guy for 3 months, since january, because my parents told me that i couldn't date until I turned 16. My birthday was two Fridays ago, but about two weeks before my birthday this guy said that he needed space. So, i thought this meant a long time but last week he said that he was ready to ask me out. I really like him but he has a problem with talking to me in public, like i'm not good enough for him or something. He said that this isn't true and that he really likes me but he doesn't talk to me or pursue me like a guy should. I know that this is a long comment (sorry) but what do you think i should do?
- mk

Saturday, Apr 18, 2009 - 1:26:34 AM
hey this is a great blog... it is very hard to trust the girls more than the guy sometimes. girls are very shady and i refuse to be friends with females for that reason. i have been with my boyfriend for five months now and he is friends with a girl he met online and they text only but it just bothers me so much i am not jealous i just feel threatended by her so am i jealous?
- jamie

Friday, Apr 17, 2009 - 10:40:08 PM
My boyfriend and I have been dating for a couple of months and he tells me that I'm the happiest relationship he's ever been in, though he's been in a lot of relationships before. Unfortunately, he's emotionally hurt me before to the point where I find myself not completely able to trust him, despite him telling me he's "changed". Do you think he's trustworthy?
- Melissa

Friday, Apr 17, 2009 - 6:38:42 PM
My boyfriend and I am only dating for a month. And because of many my past betrayal from my friends, I am afraid to trust him. And he's my first boyfriend so what should I do?
- Lydian

Friday, Apr 17, 2009 - 5:55:31 PM
Mr. DM, great blog. does Mr.DM go around the country speaking publicly to teens and young adults
- Brandon