Moving Past Relationship Mistakes

It generally takes females a lot longer to get over being cheated on than guys.

Anytime you get into a relationship, you discover things about the other person that seem to defy understanding—things that appear to be way too confusing. These blogs are designed to take out the confusion and answer the questions you have about the opposite sex. Hopefully the answers will help you to have more ideas, as well as love, for those you are in relationship with. With that in mind, here are this week’s questions...

QUESTION #31) Derick asked: “I cheated on my girlfriend, but want to move past it with her. She doesn’t think she can. What can I do?”

The brokenness in your relationship can only be healed by your seeking forgiveness for what you’ve done.

DAWSON: Unfortunately, you have dug a deep hole for your relationship, and it’s going to take a lot of work to dig out of it. You have shown your girlfriend (and yourself) that you are an untrustworthy person. And now you’re wondering if it’s possible to ever rebuild trust with her. I believe it is, even though she feels like she’s been too hurt by your actions to ever forgive you. I have found it generally takes females a lot longer to get over being cheated on than guys. Most guys just say to themselves, “I did it. I told her I was sorry. So let’s move on.” It doesn’t work that way with women. She needs a much longer time to heal. Many guys lose patience and walk away from their relationship just about the time his girl is starting to heal.

So what is she feeling? She might be feeling you are not really sorry for what you did. She also might want to make sure you pay the price for your actions—and by her breaking up with you, she’s punishing you. Unfortunately, in this situation, you both lose. The brokenness in your relationship can only be healed by your seeking forgiveness for what you’ve done. So, how do you do this?

1 - First of all, you need to admit to yourself that you have hurt another person. This means taking full responsibility for your actions, and not just thinking your girlfriend is “blowing things out of proportion.”
2 – Talk to God about this, and ask Him to forgive you for what you’ve done, and ask for courage to say what you need to say to and do for your girlfriend.
3 – Ask for your girlfriend’s forgiveness. You need to clearly explain what you’re sorry for, without making any excuses.
4 – Let her respond to you without getting defensive about what she says. Again, remember she will need time to sort out her feelings.

Most guys do not want to be with a girl who is extremely insecure, negative and clingy.

After this, the best thing you can do is to show yourself as completely trustworthy, avoiding opportunities to slip back into your wrongful, untrustworthy behavior. But, you did the right thing by seeking forgiveness, and your new attitude and actions will be the best way to prove you are truly sorry for what happened. Just remember, this is going to take a while. Even so, you have a 50-50 chance of your relationship surviving.

I’d recommend you both read my blog series on forgiveness that starts here.

QUESTION #32) Leigh asked: “How do I get past the thought that my boyfriend will leave me?”

DAWSON: Fear of abandonment is very common, especially if you have finally met someone who you really like, or have been abandoned in the past. It’s natural to want to hold on to things that mean the most to us. But still, we are never given permission to own or control another person. This means other people are always free to do whatever they want, even if it means leaving the relationship. There’s a fine line between wanting to have someone in your life, and wanting to possess them. Many people don’t have enough belief or confidence in themselves to ever imagine being alone. This can cause a person to hold on too tightly. Loyalty is one thing--fear of being alone is another.

We are never given permission to own or control another person.

To get past the fear of your boyfriend leaving, you need to get to the place where being alone is not the worst thing that could ever happen to you. This will take time, but it’s worth the effort. Spend some time trying to figure out what kinds of things you enjoy. What kinds of things make you feel really alive? As you get to know yourself, you will have more of your complete self to bring to a relationship. Most guys do not want to be with a girl who is extremely insecure, negative and clingy. Thank God for everyday you have with your boyfriend. You have today, tomorrow will take care of itself.

Please keep sending me the questions you have about the opposite sex. I’m sure there’s something you’ve been wondering about that hasn’t yet been addressed. That’s what I want to hear from you about. Take a second to write me your question in the comment section below. I look forward to hearing from you.

Friday, May 15, 2009 - 1:48:12 AM
Ive only persued a small number of girls in my life, but I have been turned down by pretty much every one. It hurts more every time. I am incredibly insecure about myself. I feel like if I were better looking then maybe someone would respond to me. I know I've been told that my self worth doesnt come from what any girl thinks of me, but its getting very hard to stay positive. I feel so lonely and left out. What should I do?
- Martin

Friday, May 15, 2009 - 1:47:56 AM
im going out with a girl right now, but i like another girl. my girlfriend suspects me and everyone says that a lot of people will get mad with me if i break up with her. what do i do?
- John

Friday, May 15, 2009 - 1:47:48 AM
I LOVE YOUR SHOW SO MUCH YOU HAVE HELPED ME AND SO MANY OTHER TEENS JUST LIKE ME I THANK GOD THAT YOU DO THIS FOR US
- Jenifer

Thursday, May 14, 2009 - 2:16:06 AM
which is worse-not trusting someon enough or to much?
- kayla

Thursday, May 14, 2009 - 12:53:47 AM
There is this girl that goes to my school. Like 3 weeks ago we told eachother that we liked each other a lot. Then we didn't really talk much for a couple of weeks and still don't talk to eachother as much as we used to. She went off and told my buddy that she doesn't like me as much as she used to because we don't talk anymore. So I really felt as if I was losing so I told her "I loved her" even though it was true I'm scared that I will never get her back and I'm losing her for these small mistakes. I need help. How can I just simply talk to her without all these butterflys? How can I save this relationship?
- Jake

Wednesday, May 13, 2009 - 11:53:43 PM
Madison, I feel if a guy honestly loves and cares about a girl he will not pressure her into such circumstances. I believe with all my heart that if you keep the promise you made to God you will be greatly blessed.
- Johnathan

Wednesday, May 13, 2009 - 2:03:26 AM
i feel that i am a strong indepenedent black young female but i dont have the social skills to tlk 2 guys as far as a relationship. and because of that i think that i give off a head strong type of person like i dont need anybody but i do want to date and stuff like that...what should i do about this situation?? any advice for me??? thanks
- riah

Tuesday, May 12, 2009 - 7:25:05 PM
My best friend and I recently parted ways. The drama between us got to be too much, we didn't know how to handle it. I truly believe God sent him to be my angel, he was my best friend. I want to fix things, but I'm not sure how. What do you suggest?
- Emily

Monday, May 11, 2009 - 10:45:55 PM
Hey Dawson- Could you give me advice on what to do if you date your best guy friend, break up, and now just want to be friends again? Is this even possible? And if so, how do we go about doing it? Thanks so much!
- Kimberly

Monday, May 11, 2009 - 8:42:10 PM
i do believe that he has messed up pretty bad with his relationship and it might be next to impossible for his girlfriend to forgive him. if she does that it was meant to be but if she decides to move on from him all together than he had it coming. he shouldnt have cheated no matter what the excuse
- kailey

Monday, May 11, 2009 - 2:36:32 AM
I have been dating my boyfriend for 5 months and he keeps trying to get me to do stuff with him, such as kiss him, have sex.I am a virgin and have never done anything with a guy before not each kissed.I made a promise to God,my mom and my family that I wouldn't do anything with a guy until I get married.My boyfriend always thinks that the reason I don't want to do things with him is because I don't like him,which is completely from the truth.How do I tell him the real reason I don't want to do anything with him,without having him leave me?
- Madison

Monday, May 11, 2009 - 1:13:32 AM
Hey dawson I have a problem that I need help with. I am married and have been for a year and a month ago or so I slept with my husbands younger brother. My husband knows about it, but I want to get things back to where they were before all this happened. Any advice would be greatful!
- A Morgan

Sunday, May 10, 2009 - 11:12:22 PM
hey Dawson I have a friend who is a new Christian. She loves God so much she wants nothing to do with the world she lives in. She has dated some guys in life but they havent been the best. If I could put it this way, she is like the old saying, "She's so heavenly minded she's no earthly good. She doesn't want to talk to other ppl or hang around them because she is afraid "teens carry demons"...& she is hurt bc ppl say she is crazy. She is so pretty & very moral and Godly. I like her but I dnt knw wat to do
- James

Sunday, May 10, 2009 - 9:58:15 PM
How can i tell if it is a "good" girl to date from their qualities
- JJ Lopez

Sunday, May 10, 2009 - 12:37:19 AM
wow. I believe I have the fear of being alone. I need to find things that make me happy.
- Dominique G

Saturday, May 9, 2009 - 7:41:17 PM
This doesn't really relate to this i think but how do you know when that the one your dating is actaully in love with you instead of just using you for sex or something and will leave you. itsmy biggest fear since i was sexually abused by my uncle and i don't know what to do
- Maranda S

Saturday, May 9, 2009 - 1:39:46 PM
Hey Dawson, Guys have said that the first thing they look at when they meet a girl is butt, thier chest and their eyes. Is that true? If so why? Most of the time when i meet a guy i look at their eyes.
- haley ray

Saturday, May 9, 2009 - 12:59:11 PM
Hey Dawson, uumm i was wondering how do you tell if a guy is like a generally good guy BEFORE you date him. Like what qualities do they usually have?
- Miranda

Saturday, May 9, 2009 - 1:44:03 AM
I have never had a girlfriend, but i'm friends with a lot of girls. I have asked girls out many times,and its hard to get over them saying no. But now I just asked a girl i really like to formal(end of the year dance) and she said she was going with some other girls. I have been deppressed over this, what should I do? Please I need help with this!
- david

Friday, May 8, 2009 - 11:09:03 PM
You are absolutely right about the fear of abandment. My wife was abandoned when she was 4 years old when the parents left she and her brothers and sisters. By the time someone found them the house was filthy and feces was smeared over everything. She was adopted and during her rebelious teen years she was committed to an asylum by her adopted parents. Abandoned aggain. When she was released she and her boyfriend were married so she could get out of the house. He abandoned her by joining the military leaving her behind. Abandment is still a very real fear in her life even though we have been married now more than 30 years. It is expressed by hoarding many things. Even at 65 years old abandonment is still a deepset fear. I try hard to assure her that I'm not going anywhere but the fear is so deep that she feels very alone sometimes. Sometimes it has been only our faith in God that has held us together.
- Bill M.