Keeping Your Personal Boundaries

If he says he loves you, but is not willing to respect your boundaries and deep held moral beliefs, I would say he doesn’t really love you.

As I’ve been answering your questions about the opposite sex, one of my desires has been to help us understand the concept of personal boundaries. What does that mean? When most people enter into a relationship they lose sight of themselves—emotionally, they don’t know where they end and the other person begins. And then, without even thinking, they become willing to do whatever the other person wants, regardless of the consequences, simply to keep the other person close to them. This is the situation Madison is in, as shown with this question.

QUESTION #33 Madison asked: “I made a promise to God, my mom and my family that I wouldn't do anything with a guy until I get married. My boyfriend keeps trying to get me to do stuff with him, such as kiss him or have sex. And then he thinks the reason I don't want to do things with him is because I don't like him, which is so far from the truth. How do I tell him the real reason I don't want to do anything with him, without having him leave me?”

Without the sexual part of your relationship, you’re better able to get to know someone.

DAWSON: It sounds like this would be a great opportunity to be very honest with yourself and your boyfriend. That will give him the opportunity to know more about the level of commitment you have to yourself, and to your relationship with God. This will give him the chance to decide whether he will honor your wishes or not. If he says he loves you, but is not willing to respect your boundaries and deep held moral beliefs, I would say he doesn’t really love you, and you need to find someone who will--someone who will respect your boundaries. When you tell him why you believe what you do, you will give him a chance to see how beneficial committing to those boundaries could be to your relationship.

Being physical with a bf/gf has the potential to cloud a relationship, turning it into a monster that seems to only be driven by sexual desire, or what you can get from the other person. Without the sexual part of your relationship, you’re better able to get to know someone, and to clearly know whether you’d want to spend the rest of your life with this person. Living this way, you will end up marrying someone you truly know and respects you. Nothing could be more important. I applaud you, Madison, for desiring to live so radically, and so differently compared to how most of the rest of the world lives. Stick by your beliefs and create those boundaries.

QUESTION #34) David asked: “I see girls everyday I wish I could go out with, but people tell me I don't have a chance with them. So I don't know if I should be miserable and not date or overcome my fear and ask out a girl people tell me I don't have a chance with?”

You are capable of being and doing all these things, regardless of how physically attractive you may be.

DAWSON: Thanks for the honesty in your question, David. I have to wonder who these “people” are that are telling you to not ask out certain girls. Why should you let someone else’s opinion tell you what these girls are thinking? I want to encourage you to be bold and courageous. But let me give you a couple things to think about first. Learn about what girls find attractive about guys. They love a guy who is confident, courageous, funny, interested in them (but not too interested!), strong, and smart. Women desire a man who will sweep them off their feet and treat them special. You are capable of being and doing all these things, regardless of how physically attractive you may be.

You should never choose to be miserable. Don’t let other people tell you what to do.

Start by taking interest in a girl who you have some things in common with. Approaching her from out of the blue might be a bit too confusing for her and drive her away. Find some common ground and begin a conversation. Be a good listener. Make her the focus of your conversation. Don’t worry about “going out” with her until you actually get to know her some, and discover if she likes spending time with you. Most guys make the mistake of moving too quickly with a girl. Slow down. She isn’t going anywhere.

You should never choose to be miserable. Don’t let other people tell you what to do. They may think you’re shooting for the moon, by asking out certain girls, but you can prove to them that it’s never wrong to dream big.

Thanks for sending in your great questions. Please keep writing to me with the questions you have about the opposite sex. We’re going all the way to 50 questions, so we still have room for yours! I look forward to hearing from you!

Friday, May 29, 2009 - 1:32:33 AM
my question comes with a senario(sp): theres this girl at school and she is a great person, probably one of the nicest ive ever met the problem is that her kindness seems to focus on me only dont get me wrong its flattering and i appreciate it, but its just too much its at a point where she wants my permission to join me and my other friends at lunch and everytime her opinion is different from mine she appologizes. ive tried setting boundaries and telling her that her actions are appreciated, but that i couldnt handle it to that extent, seeing as how my allergies were reason enough to make her deeply worry about me she is very shy and doesnt have many friends and i dont want to be an (a-you know what) to her, but i cannot handle her clinginess and over-reactions as i said she is a good person, so how can i confront her without being an a*****e?
- allen

Thursday, May 28, 2009 - 12:09:12 PM
hey dawson. my boyfriend and i have been dating for over a year now. we love each other, know we're getting married, and are looking forward to that day. but we're still teenagers. i just turned 18. we both want to keep from having sex until we're married. its something that we agreed on from the start, which i thought was really good. here's my problem. we're having trouble in that area of physical areas and what not to do and so forth. we kiss. which i think is fine. and yes, we make out. but we go through this cycle: we are fine physically, but we slowly progress, and then it gets to a point where we both say, "we need to step back, and rethink how we are physically." this has happened a few times, and it just happened again recently. the first couple times, we just said, okay, we need to start over. we haven't crossed the line of getting sexual. but we've come closer than i would like. this last time that it happened, i asked him, how much further can we progress until we get to touching each other where we shouldn't, and then from there, sex. i'm worried, because it just feels like we'll keep going through this cycle. do you have any advice on how we can stop this cycle?
- Rebecca

Wednesday, May 27, 2009 - 9:42:49 PM
Dawson, I am very sure that my best guy friend likes me... a lot. And I also like him... a lot. The thing is I don't think he knows that I really care about him. How do I tell him I have feelings for him without actually "telling" him?
- Hannah

Tuesday, May 26, 2009 - 11:48:45 AM
Jennifer (single mom who doesn't want to date) - there is absolutely nothing wrong with you!!! What you are describing is normal for women who have been burned in the past, and more so when children are involved. I believe strongly that your maternal instincts have taken over in wanting to protect your children - meaning that you don't want just any old joe walking in and becoming a father figure. Maybe you're afraid to be with the wrong guy, or maybe you just truly aren't ready for a relationship at this point in your life. Focusing on your children seems like a top priority in your life, and there's nothing wrong with that. Woman to woman, I would suggest that (if you are able to) you should go out once a week to dinner with your girlfriends - maybe the ones who are also moms, not necessarily single ones because there is less pressure to "go out and meet guys" if you hang out with people who already have a husband or a serious relationship. Go out once a week and be good to yourself, you deserve it for taking care of your little one(s) by yourself. I commend you for doing that - a lot of single moms are more interested in going out partying three times a week. Be patient, when it's the right time, God will show you. Take care!
- Emily

Tuesday, May 26, 2009 - 12:26:56 AM
hey- im a single mother whose 24 and that is seriously what my life consists of. I dont have a social life, nor do i want one. I have no desire to date or meet guys. I would like to want to, but I just dont. Im wondering if there is something wrong with me or am I going to be a single mom my whole life? I dont ever see myself wanting to get into another relationship.
- jennifer

Monday, May 25, 2009 - 9:31:52 PM
Hi Ki! What a Christian watches (whether male or female) shows you a lot about them. If a Christian is watching a lot of R rated movies and TV shows that are very sexual in nature, that will influence their thinking. It shows you that he is being influenced by the world rather than by God. If he is walking with God and growing in his faith, then his desire to watch ungodly movies and TV will wane. I've been in this position myself and I know that when I watch shows and movies that are ungodly and I love them, my relationship with God is not in a good place. But when I am walking with God and learning to love Him and His Word more than TV, my desire for TV and movies fades away. I would be careful and watch him really close. Be picky about who you date because you want to end up with a godly husband who loves God and loves you and not one who is influenced by the world.
- Stephanie

Monday, May 25, 2009 - 4:30:36 PM
hey dawson. well i've been going out with my boyfriend for almost a year. and i know i love him but at times he just doesnt seem to understand that i want time for friends & family. hes always sad cause i don't want to do anything with him. and starts random fights over my best friend. and i don't know cause he talked to some girl about sexual things and that really bothered me. he stopped but the girl spread lots of rumors about me and i just don't like her around me and him cause i can never trust her with him. she has done this before with my ex. and i don't what her problem is. its so hard cause my best friend and my sister tell me to break up with him but i just cant. cause i know i will get back with him some way or another. what should i do?
- Anonymous

Sunday, May 24, 2009 - 10:24:01 PM
If you know someone, that you like a lot, and that person is going out with somone else. What do you do if you know your friend doesnt like her boyfriend all that much but he still likes her and on top of all that you like the girl. I am in the position of the guy who is wishing my friends girlfriend will break up with her. What do i do to see if she really doesnt like the guy.
- William

Sunday, May 24, 2009 - 9:06:11 PM
Hey Dawson! i totally agree about the friends first thing when starting a relationship. But a lot of times i'm a shy person when it comes to people i dont know. so whenever i find a guy i'm interested in i start talking to him in a friendship kind of way, but that's all it turns into, friendship. And sometimes i dont think these guys are mature enough to handle a conversation about taking it to the next level. any advice?
- Anonymous

Friday, May 22, 2009 - 5:43:41 PM
I see this girl smiling and laughing at the things i do everyday. I think she might like me,but i don't know. i kinda want to ask her out, but i dont know if she will say yes quickly, a normal yes, a normal no, or a angry and hatred no. What should I do?
- david

Friday, May 22, 2009 - 3:16:33 PM
Hey, anonymous, that is not your fault. You had your boundaries and rules that were not unacceptable. You should thank her for leaving if she was that shallow and your friends too, if all they wanted was a show.
- Charlie

Thursday, May 21, 2009 - 5:13:29 PM
I just recently got dumped by one of my best grilfriend ever because i did not want to give into peer pressure to make out infront of my friends. I do not believe in God and i do not know what could i do or try to do to get her back.
- Anonymous

Thursday, May 21, 2009 - 5:12:59 PM
Also regarding the boy whose friends don't think he has what those women want. People in your life will doubt your every move until you die. It is human nature to believe that nobody is better than ourselves. These people who doubt you mean nothing personal. They are merely projecting the beliefe they have in themselves. So in other words they would never have the confidence to try themselves so why would they think you can? The good news is these people couldn't be more wrong. All you need is a good heart and the knowing that you are good enough. Mistakes and all!
- chantel

Thursday, May 21, 2009 - 2:18:00 AM
i just wanted to tell you how much i appreciate what you are doing...not only for me but for other people as well. i got a chance to talk to you about this guy that i was talking to and how "creepy" he was acting. i just wanted to let you know that i am going to let him "stike out." i gave his way too many chances to respect me and you and the hopeline helped me realize that i don't need a guy to make me feel complete. thank you again. for everything. God bless.
- Jessica

Thursday, May 21, 2009 - 12:10:35 AM
So, my question is about whether or not it is dangerous for guys to watch r-rated movies that are very sexual in nature. There is a guy that is very interested in dating me at the Bible college that I go to and while he talks about great goals for ministry and theology, I am concerned by some of his movie choices because when I looked them up, they were very very sexually explicit. Is this one thing enough grounds to not date this guy? What do you think this says about his character and would it be appropriate for me to bring it up to him directly? I do not want our relationship to move too fast if he has a skewed view of intimacy based on the movies he watches. I need advice!!! Help please!
- Ki

Wednesday, May 20, 2009 - 7:37:32 PM
Why does my dad belittle me? Okay so my dad and i have NEVER had a good relationship; he has been in my life since i was 1 and adopted me when i was 12. He is a power hungry person and he has to have control over absolutely everything. My mom and him have been having marriage problems for the past year and he was nice to me when he was close to loosing my mom and then as soon as they started counseling he went back to his old ways with the put downs. He has told me numerous times that i will be a mom of two and pregnant with another and divorced by my early 20's. He has told me i will be a high school drop out, that i will have to retake my junior year of high school when i am passing all of my classes, he has told me that i will be crawling back asking for his help when i have no one else to turn to. hes told me i wont go to college, he wont pay for my college, that he wont give me anything even though i don't ask for anything. I left home for a month because he gave me this list saying; he was going to turn my phone off (which he did) take and sell my car (which he did) give my brothers my room because i dont deserve it because i am not a part of the family which he did and toold me i would need to find a place to live which I did. i came backk home, with the locks changed, alarm system, garage code changed, brothers with my room, car gone, cell phone turned off, and all my beautiful antique furniture crammed in THE smallest room in the house and all my possessions i left behind in garbage bags by the trash. I thought me coming home would be somewhat ok and its horrible. i am never home because i dont have a key to access the house and because i dont feel welcome there quite frankly. I have one more year left of high school and i dont think i can live in my supposive "home" much longer. 2 hours ago - 4 days left to answer. Additional Details well my mom doesnt think for her self and my dad controls her... so therefor she will be nice to me when he isnt around, but we always fight when i am home (as soon as i walk in the door) i am walking into a hostile enviroment while an argument awaits. My dad is a very narassistic person and manipulative, he refuses to excuse me from school when i was sick with the stomach flu and so i got in trouble, 2 detetentions 2 referals and in school suspension. I am a good student with too much stress on my plate to focus right now. I have never been in trouble with school ever before; and with in the last couple weeks i have been in SO much with the school all because my parents are not excusing me for missing school sick and telling administration to punish me. I am almost 18 and can't get emancipated in the state of colorado unless i am physically abused. Even after i turn 18 i wont have legal rights with my last high school year. I work part time right now and am looking for a 2nd job.
- Megan - Denver

Wednesday, May 20, 2009 - 1:38:19 AM
I lost it to my best friend. we were both under the influence and now she keeps avoiding me because she regrets it. it's almost time for me to graduate and i can't seem to enjoy the rest of my year because i don't want her to feel bad. truthfully i am afraid to have any relationship now because i don't want to lose anyone. what should i do to be happy.
- Angelica

Wednesday, May 20, 2009 - 12:02:05 AM
Hello Dawson, I married a man who was/is not a Christian, and went ahead and chose to follow my own selfish desires instead of waiting to see who God had for me, now as a result I am HORRIBLY unhappy in my marriage. I have been married for 6 years and all I can think about is what my life would have been like if I waited for God, who would he have put in my life. Is there still a chance of me having a beautiful Christian relationship, and if so how do I stop looking at other Christian men my age and wishing I would have waited for "a guy like him"?
- Dawn

Tuesday, May 19, 2009 - 9:09:57 PM
Dear Dawson, Me and my friend have realtionship problems and your show had helped us gain respect for ourselves and the people around us. Thank you so much. Sincerely, Marley:)
- Marley

Tuesday, May 19, 2009 - 7:40:39 PM
i have another question that no one can answer for me see i like two guys and there best friends one of them has liked me ever since 6th grade and were know in 8th but he keeps messing with my head because he is making me belive he likes me alot and i dont know if thats true. hes dated so many girls and one time he's dated my best friend, over the years for example him, his girlfriend and i are in the same room he will look at me more than his girlfriend and i need to know if he truly likes me because it dosent seem like it and ive made him cry because i was crying about how mad i was at him. then theres his best friend who ive made cry also and he got back with his ex and does the exact thing he looks at me more than his girlfriend and if i see both of them with there girlfriends they look guilty and start blushing because they no im there. what i wanna know is are these guys worth all this confused feelings because it's really starting to p*** me off.so dawson do you think they like me or are they messing with me?
- joneshia

Tuesday, May 19, 2009 - 1:11:06 AM
Jenn, all guys fool around. wat is it that you mean?if he is a real christian then some of the things that fooling around is asociated with, he shouldnt be doing but then he could just be going through a rough patch. it all depends on wat fooling around means
- silvia

Monday, May 18, 2009 - 10:19:15 PM
i like this guy who is dating the biggest sl*t in 9th grade and he is dating her because he wants to do things with her and is just using her and she is doing the same thing. i hate the girl so much like with a passion but i praticaly love this guy and i know it's not right and the whole town is talking about it and there planing on having sex then apparently there both going to break up with each other. this guy likes me to... so i was wondering if that might help you know talk to him about it because the travis i know respects girl, least he does me and i really want him to change.
- joneshia

Monday, May 18, 2009 - 3:07:53 PM
What do you do when two guys like you? when one is your boyfriend while the other one treats you much better?
- Abby

Monday, May 18, 2009 - 1:24:40 PM
Hey Dawson,Im really confused!!Ive been dating this guy for one month,two weeks,and three days.I really like him and the other day one of my best friends kissed him on the cheek.Im not really mad at that its just that he tells me all the time that he doesn't like kissing so I respect him for that so I don't. Well,I was talking to him about it that night and he was like tell your friend I said thanks for the kiss.I really don't know what to do about it.We haven't talked in two or three days and I think it's getting close to a break-up but I don't want to loose him,what should I do?
- Dedra

Sunday, May 17, 2009 - 11:44:58 PM
youre a special girl madison =) kudos on your patience (sp) its a trait thats not appreciated enough so i just wanted to say that there are others that DO appreciate it keep it up, and GOD bless =D
- alex

Sunday, May 17, 2009 - 10:50:47 PM
Hey Dawson, I am not sure where to ask the questions you are answering so I hope right here is good. To me it seems like most girls control their sexual wants better than us guys. Why is that Dawson? Is their something that they know and that us guys don't or what?
- David S.

Sunday, May 17, 2009 - 10:28:55 PM
Hey Dawson, I really like this girl and she really likes me but we keep tellin each other we love one another and we would like to go out but we don't wanna mess us our friendship if anything goes wrong in the relationship. What should I do?
- Joshua

Sunday, May 17, 2009 - 10:06:02 PM
i like this boy and he is an awsome person. I want to date him but my friends say that he is a bad person and they judge him by what other people say about him. I want to date him but their oppinion has always had an account withme. Should i listen to them or date him?
- sara

Sunday, May 17, 2009 - 9:31:20 PM
also i just want to say that u are awesome Dawson :) u help so many people which is awesome and i just want to say thanks :) :)
- lissa

Sunday, May 17, 2009 - 9:17:40 PM
Dear Madison, Take this from a guy guys are stupid at times we all make mistakes. However that doesnt give him the right to push you to your limits. If he leaves you then we wasnt worth being with. Ask God to reveal his true side to you. And if the temptation is there to give in then run from it dont give in. If he cant respect your privacy or if he cant accept that your wanting to be obedient, then hes not worth being with. If a guy says hes a claims to be a christian then he needs to be loving and be obidient himself. He needs to realize theres more to life than just sex.
- Andrew

Sunday, May 17, 2009 - 8:41:37 PM
hey Dawson here is a question for you. if you tell a guy that you dont like when guys hit girls and the guy says i would never hit a girl in my life, do they mean it? or they just saying that so you wouldn't leave them. thanks 4 your inspiration take care Dawson :)
- lissa

Sunday, May 17, 2009 - 7:55:46 PM
Dawson, your blogs are very helpful to me. I read all of them every week!! you really dont know how many people you have incouraged and helped. you are truly a blessing. Thanks for everything Dawson!! :)
- brandi

Saturday, May 16, 2009 - 12:22:07 PM
Thank you Dawson for answering my question.Your answer to my question made complete sense.It is good to see that someone understands and agrees that I am making the right choice to not do anything with a guy before marriage.Your answer helps me so much and I will use what you said to see if my boyfriend really loves me for me or just to get me to do something I don't want to and am not ready to do.Once again thank you so much.
- Madison

Saturday, May 16, 2009 - 2:05:37 AM
Hey, Audrey, speaking as a guy, I can answer that. Sometimes guys are dumb, and they want something fast their girlfriend won't give them. They become impulsive, they want sex, and they turn to the one who will give it. Then they realize how stupid they've been. They are scared they will lose the one they actually love over the "experience" they love. Girls are more often into the passion of a relationship, while guys are into the passion of sex. The physical love vs the emotional love.
- Charlie

Friday, May 15, 2009 - 8:38:51 PM
How do you know your are dating a christian guy when it seems all he wants to do is fool around, but he believes in God,reads the Bible,and goes to church?
- Jenn

Friday, May 15, 2009 - 6:42:26 PM
Why do our parents say they love us but yell, scream, embarase, and invade our privacy? Why do they say that but don't do it?
- david

Friday, May 15, 2009 - 2:29:28 PM
Question #31 I Have Another Question To That One. From A Girls Point. What if it's the girl cheating on the guy, why do they act like it's a big deal we cheated on them, but they cheat on us, they want forgivness faster then we would give it?
- Audrey