Why Keep A Relationship Secret?

Someone who truly cares about you should be proud to tell other people about you.

This week, as I continue answering your questions about the opposite sex, I want to address a couple of topics that have to do with the beginning stages of a dating relationship. The start of a dating relationship can be a wild time, as you are both just trying to figure out all the details. Things like, how/when do you tell other people about your relationship, when are you going to make time for each other, how do you handle it if your bf/gf likes you more than you like him/her, etc

QUESTION #37) Amy asked: "I've been seeing a guy for about a month now. Neither of us have told anyone about the relationship—I sort of want to, but he does not. Why does he feel the need to keep our relationship in the dark? Should I be worried?"

Anytime there is secrecy involved in a relationship, there's a cause for worry.

DAWSON: Some people like to keep a relationship private when they're not sure where it's going. Still others want to keep a relationship secret when they are already involved with another person, or not completely over their previous relationship. I'm not sure what the exact situation is with your boyfriend, but he may be using you, or he may even be worried about being embarrassed if other people find out he's in a relationship with you. Either way, his secrecy should give you concern. Someone who truly cares about you should be proud to tell other people about you.

Anytime there is secrecy involved in a relationship, there's a cause for worry. Relationships should be about joy, happiness, and love—not secrecy. If I were you, I would tell him how much you're enjoying your relationship with him, but how difficult it is to not be able to talk about it with those who are closest to you. Ask him if you could tell your best friend about the relationship, and see how he reacts.

On the other hand, I want to encourage you to not be too quick to define your relationship with your secret boyfriend. Some people feel they have to tell the world when they are dating someone. This can be frightening to guys who are often afraid of calling something a relationship, before they are really sure what it is. Time and communication are going to be your two best friends in this situation. In the end, if he really cares about you, he’ll want the world to know.

QUESTION #38) Tasha asked: "What should you do when you fall hard for someone and in a really short time?"

What you're dealing with is a lot of fantasy and not a lot of reality.

DAWSON: What you're experiencing happens to a lot of people—it’s called infatuation. Infatuation is the emotional feeling of romantic love. It feels like love. It acts like love. But it does not pass an important test: the test of time. There is nothing wrong with being infatuated, most relationships start there—you just can’t build a lasting relationship with it. You are probably feeling a great deal of attraction, even though you don't know much about him. I would be very cautious if I were you, because you're dealing with a lot of emotion and fantasy, and not a lot of reality. You're most likely living off of the thoughts about "how great it would be to have this person love me and care for me" and the emotional high when he begins to show signs he really cares for you.

Over time, you’ll find a whole lot more of who he really is, not what you dream he is.

While it’s difficult to do, you need to slow down your emotions. It's a very confusing time, and you might be tempted to say or do things you will later regret. Get to know him as a friend, and let him get to know you. In this situation, time is one of your best friends, because over time, you’ll find a whole lot more of who he really is, not what you dream he is. You will be able to make a better decision about whether or not to get more involved with him at that point. In this case, let your head tell you how to act, as opposed to your emotions.

Thanks for sending me the questions you have about the opposite sex. We are going all the way to question #50, so there's just a little bit of time left to get your question in the mix. Look through the past blogs and make sure your question hasn't been already answered, send it to me in the comment section below, and I'll do my best to answer it.

Thursday, Jun 11, 2009 - 5:16:42 PM
Hey dawson! first i just want to say how helpful this is and how much easier it is to know what the guys are thinking!! thanks so much keep up the good work!! and second...When things in your relationship go bad and your friends saw it before you did how should you handle it when they're rubbing that they were right in your face?
- Kayla

Thursday, Jun 11, 2009 - 1:40:06 AM
Hey Dawson!! Well me and this guy have gone out multiple times and I broke up with him on June 4th this year. Today i went to this church with my friend which is his sister and he went too. He asked me out and his sister went nuts when I told her that he asked me out. I said yes and when I told my cousin, he is a boy and he is straight, he got mad and called me gay. I dont know what I should do. I like him a lot but my cousin is really close to me and he doesn't think i should go out with him. I really need your help Dawson! I hope you can reply soon!! If you think that I should go out with him anymore i will break up with him, probably. My mom just said to follow my heart and my heart is really confused right now. You are my last hope!!
- ;] m3g

Wednesday, Jun 10, 2009 - 7:24:21 PM
I want to have a relationship with this girl, but i don't know if my parents will be ok with it, they think i should go out with this girl i've know for two years, but the girl i like is moving next year. What should I do?
- david

Wednesday, Jun 10, 2009 - 1:31:30 AM
What if your parents don't approve of the relationship...or any relationship...with any boy...
- unanimous

Tuesday, Jun 9, 2009 - 2:00:30 PM
Hi, Dawson. Your blogs are amazing and are very helpful to so many people, and I cannot thank you enough for that. I was wondering exactly why it is that women tend to have so much stronger emotions than men? It is very pressing to me. I was also wondering if you could blog on how early is too early to start dating. I am 14, and tried dating when I was 11. The relationship lasted for about nine months, but as far as relationships go it was very much lifeless, as we were so much more like good friends than a couple. Circumstances also led to our growing rather distant. Seeing this, I panicked, and tried several times to arrange a visit to her house, only to have the whole relationship practically ‘cancelled’ by her mother. I believe that, because it was too early for me, I did not know how to sustain a dating relationship, and that is why it did not work out. But it would be great to know your opinion. Thank you!
- Philip

Monday, Jun 8, 2009 - 6:59:48 PM
Oh, wow, this one's easy. One word. Parents. Nothing can hurt a relationship like paranoid parents fearing that their little boy/girl is growing up and finding an interesting person of the opposite sex. Parents fear that the significant other will hurt the developement of the child and they try their ghardest to shut them down. Another reason is jealosy, especially among guys who think that they have the controlling interest on a girl, because sadly lots of guys think girls are ultimately property
- charlie

Monday, Jun 8, 2009 - 12:38:57 PM
Hey Dawson! i wanna thank you for your awesome show. i really help us teens. :) i was wondering if you could help me with a sistuation. so in about april or march my bff told me she liked one of our close guy friends. she ended up telling him this and he took her on a walk and to starbucks and told her that he didnt like her and liked me her bff. she told me and was a wreck. then a couple weeks later he told me that he liked me and i told him i didnt like him back. but i felt that if i wanted to like him i couldnt cuz of my bff and what he did to her. then like a month and a half ago he told my bff that he likes another girl and i felt really sad cuz i liked him but i didnt tell anyone cuz i didnt wanna hurt anyone. so then when he said that he liked this other girl i explaind it all to him that i liked him. he took me on this long walk and basically told me that he liked me but isnt going to ask me out. he never really gave me an answer why. he told me "god doesnt want me to right now". and how can i argue with an answer like that? but he did tell me that it wasnt me that was the problem. im ssoooo confused about it and i dont understand. and we kept this all a secret from my bff. then i decided to tell her everything and she was ok with it all cuz he did somethings that hurt her and so she doesnt like him anymore. but i dont know what to do wih all of this and we are all really good friends. PLEASE HELP!!! thank you
- Dyl

Monday, Jun 8, 2009 - 2:01:44 AM
Dawson, Umm I Met A Guy On Msn He Was A Good Friend Of My Other Friend. So Umm Hes Bout 6 Years Older Then Me. And I Love Him Very Much And I Dont Wanna Live Without Him. Then Theres This Other Guy Hes Bout My Age And He Likes Me Too. He Just Told Me About 2 Weeks Ago. I Like Both of These Guys But Ive Known The Dude Thats 6 Years Older Then Me Bout A Year. So I Dont Know What To Do, Can You Give Me Some Advise On What I Should Do Please. P.s I Love Your Show =) -Llayla
-

Monday, Jun 8, 2009 - 1:46:57 AM
Its all about communication. You have to leave the lines of communication open. Without that, the relationship will never last. I for one, if I start a relationship, it will be with only one person and I will let the whole world know.
- Carlos

Monday, Jun 8, 2009 - 1:11:57 AM
I would just have to say that I agree completley with all of your responses. I've been in this type of situation where the guy that I was with completley kept it a secret from everyone! Not only was it embarrassing for me to think that this was normal, but It was also very embarrasing to find out that he was with someone else as well. Luckily, nothing had happened between me and this guy. However the other girls feelings were completley distructed by this. These situations could be completley blown out of porportion. But only thought on this matter is, if your a secret- dump him! Because if your A secret to others, chances are others are a secret to you!
- courtney

Monday, Jun 8, 2009 - 12:41:01 AM
Hey Dawson okay last year at summer school and um i meat this friend his name is chris and i love him so much and now when summer school was done i started crying cause i miss him so madly much and i do not want to lose him i love him so much i really miss him so much i just i don't know what to do anyway i really miss him so much but this year when i go to summer school and when i see him im afrid that im gonna cry is if i see him but i miss hin so much i just feel like crying cause i miss him so much i just i don't want to lose him i just love him so much i just feel like crying cause i miss him so much do you think you can help me with my problem thank you goodbye
-

Sunday, Jun 7, 2009 - 11:46:44 PM
Dawson- I just wanted to let u know that I really appreciate everything u do for people and your show has helped me so much. You are my hero and I hope that you will never stop helping others. Thank you, Dawson and I love you and everything you have done and will do. -claire
- Claire

Sunday, Jun 7, 2009 - 11:40:22 PM
yo dawson, i really like this girl and i want to date her but i dont know if she likes me back, what should i do?!?! p.s. show rocks
- luis

Sunday, Jun 7, 2009 - 11:27:10 PM
i graduated may 15, since this was a major step in my life i ahd family come from all over attend this event. my older cousin[from fl] knows a boy that only lives 3 mins away. well after graduation i went out with some friends and she went and hung out with him. although there is not much to do in my town they got bored quickly and thought it would be a great idea to try tofiid me and stalk me.. well it didnt work. well the next day this boy found me on facebook and it was all cool i thought he would be a older brother.. someone that buys u ice cream when u are upset. but the feelings got strong and we are kinda talking [nt really dating but talking] he would be my first boyfriend after a 3 year realtionship i am nervous about this not only because he is 24 and i am 19 but because my cousin has no idea. am i in the wrong.
- Jordan

Sunday, Jun 7, 2009 - 11:09:47 PM
Hey Dawson okay last year at summer school and um i meat this friend his name is chris and i love him so much and now when summer school was done i started crying cause i miss him so madly much and i do not want to lose him i love him so much i really miss him so much i just i don't know what to do anyway i really miss him so much but this year when i go to summer school and when i see him im afrid that im gonna cry is i see him but i miss hin so much i just feel like crying cause i miss him so much i just i don't want to lose him i just love him so much i just feel like crying cause i miss him so much do you think you can help me with my problem thank you goodbye.
- Tiffany D. G.

Sunday, Jun 7, 2009 - 10:58:27 PM
Hey Dawson I Love Your Show and im listening to it right now and i was so good so yeah i love your show and i love what's your doing. bye
- Tiffany D. G.

Sunday, Jun 7, 2009 - 9:38:59 PM
Dawson, I just wanted to thank you for the great advice you give. You are doing a really good job. Keep up the good work! :)
- Hannah

Sunday, Jun 7, 2009 - 9:25:19 PM
hi
- fgfgfgfgfg

Sunday, Jun 7, 2009 - 12:25:19 AM
I've been seeing this guy from work who's 12 years older than me. I'm 18, he's 30. He has a girlfriend too. It started out with us just talking in my car after work, which led to him coming to my apt., which led to me going to his apt. to us making out and finally to us having sex - my first time. I am so confused about all this and feel so morally wrong (since he has a girlfriend) and I sense that he is retreating a little...or is just really busy with the upcoming audit at work. Do you have any advice for me on this?
- L

Saturday, Jun 6, 2009 - 6:54:10 PM
This guy and i were just friends but then i went to his house the other day and we ended up making out. Now hes ignoring me and i have no idea what to think. I want him and i to still be at least friends and i know that we really need to talk. what do you do when a guy won't talk to you?
- sarah

Saturday, Jun 6, 2009 - 11:50:34 AM
dawson is it love when u dont say goodnight to the guy/girl u like and u start to cry cause u didnt and cause u miss them?
- Tyler

Saturday, Jun 6, 2009 - 2:05:08 AM
Dawson theres this girl at my school that i really like but me and her are really good friends and i want to ask her out i dont know if she likes me any what should i do about it
- jacob

Saturday, Jun 6, 2009 - 1:14:58 AM
i like this guy and he likes me and we both have like eached other for like 4 years and im fine if people find out that i like him but if i tell other people he likes me they dont belive me because he has a girlfriend and he lies about liking me and i dont get why he denys it if he likes me so much.
- jonshia

Friday, Jun 5, 2009 - 11:01:49 PM
i have been dating a girl and no one know that we are dating and stuff , i dont want to date her anymore because i dont love her no more and suff . i am 14 .
- Jake