Letting Friends Control Your Relationship

Sometimes friends are able to see if you’re doing something stupid—like getting rid of what they think is a really good girlfriend.

I’m excited about the many questions you continue to ask me about the opposite sex. As you learn more and more about what makes a healthy relationship, and positive ways to address conflict, life will be so much more about love and understanding, rather than about hurt, confusion and drama. That’s my goal with these blogs. Here’s another amazing question.

QUESTION #39) John asked: “I’m going out with a girl right now, but I like another girl. My girlfriend suspects me, and everyone says that a lot of people will get mad with me if I break up with her. What do I do?”

A huge part of being in a dating relationship is commitment.

DAWSON: This is partly a question about how to break-up with your girlfriend. But it also sounds like you are trying to deal with your true emotions in an honest way, and not let other people tell you what to do. Sometimes friends are able to see if you’re doing something stupid—like getting rid of what they think is a really good girlfriend. Other times, they have their own selfish reasons for you to stay in a certain relationship. It’s good to listen to, and weigh the advice other people tell you. Find out why they want you to stay together with your girlfriend. They might have really good reasons, or they might not.

You might feel like you’re trapped in your current relationship, and you’re wondering if there’s anything there worth holding onto. You should communicate with your current girlfriend about what you’re feeling, instead of ignoring her, while you fantasize about this new girl. Honesty is always the best policy.

Your boyfriend was right about how disrespectful it is to make comments about other women, especially around you.

I have to say, though, that just because you found a better girl who you are starting to like, doesn’t automatically mean it’s okay to dump your current girlfriend. A huge part of being in a dating relationship is commitment. You need to be careful what kind of reputation you could develop if you start going from one girl to the next. You’ll soon find most girls won’t bother to trust you with much of anything. Communicate with your current girlfriend, talk to friends you can trust, and strive to be the most committed, trustworthy boyfriend you can possibly be. After you’ve made your decision, hold your head high. Only you can answer for you.

QUESTION #40) Elizabeth asked: “When we first got together, my boyfriend told me he would never make comments about how attractive other women are, as he felt that was disrespectful. However, over the past year he constantly makes remarks such as, ‘I’d do her’ or ‘She’s hot.’ Why does he do it? And what can I do to get him to stop?”

If he doesn’t seem interested in changing, he’s really saying his relationship with you isn’t all that important to him.

DAWSON: Your boyfriend was right about how disrespectful it is to make comments about other women, especially around you. It’s one thing to innocently comment about how attractive another person is, but it’s completely inappropriate to say things he’d like to do sexually with another person. It’s the height of disrespect. Your boyfriend is immature, at best. And a would-be player, at worst. Imagine if you were enjoying a great dinner with your boyfriend and you couldn’t help but stare at another person eating at another table, and then you said, “I sure wish I was eating dinner at that table, instead of with you!” That’s basically what he’s saying to you.

This should be a trust and respect issue with you. Has he given you any other signs he is not trustworthy? If nothing else, your boyfriend needs to learn how to respect you better.

Be very clear with him about how serious of an issue this is. Give him a chance to work on it. If he shows he’s sorry and wanting to work on his problem, then you should be patient with him. If he doesn’t seem interested in changing, he’s really saying his relationship with you isn’t all that important to him, and it’s probably time for you to move on.

Please send me the question you have about the opposite sex in the comment section below. You’ll find a lot of great questions and answers on the main blog page, so check that out, as well. I look forward to hearing from you.

Thursday, Jun 18, 2009 - 1:35:21 PM
thank you about the above comment and i do think it is time for me to move on. My boyfriend constantly looks and says sexually remarks all the time. Most of the women on on TV.But to me it still hurts.
-

Thursday, Jun 18, 2009 - 11:21:40 AM
why do some guys gets so jeolous and resort to hurting/killing someone like a family member?
- RyLee

Tuesday, Jun 16, 2009 - 8:52:54 PM
Hi Dawson, I'm 12 and my last two 'relationships' with guys have turned horrably wrong!. the first one was last year (no i didnt go on any 'dates with him). He was always over at my house asking if i was there right when i got home (he lived down the street from me). i got really scared yet i continued the 'relationship'. i then had a party in which he was there. we played truth or dare (with him my friends and i). my ex bff dared him to kiss me and i didnt want him to. he was ONTOP of me trying to kiss me! i yelled at him and told him to get away from my house. he did. my friends aat the begining of the 'relationship' told me he was no good and harsher things but i didnt listen to them. im happy i had that party though. i learned a good thing about him. he's a wanna-be playa. in the 2nd 'relationship' that i recently broke off, he was being mean to some of my friends and i love my friends more than i love life (and i LOVE life alot). i broke it off and now hes been sending me text messages that say 'oh i love you' or 'you were the one i wanted to live the rest of my life with' and i thought that was WAY too much. my friends again said he wasnt worth going out with (i went on dates with him but they were movie and and dinner, also his family was there so doesn't really count) but he is still texting me saying the same things!....im his friend now but i want to get him to stop saying stuff like that....please help me figure out how to make it stop! its driving me insane!
- Maegan

Tuesday, Jun 16, 2009 - 8:34:03 PM
I love how you can shange a persons life around with just one conversation!it takes great talent. By listening to your show, i've been able to help my friends out with their problems or concerns in their lives. You have inspired me so much. on sunday i got my friend to listen in on you and she said that next week she wants to call you and talk about how she can help her parents out. Luv Ya! <3
- Maegan

Tuesday, Jun 16, 2009 - 11:40:23 AM
I just recently started listening to the show and I think it's really great that you take you personal time to help others.
- arlishia

Monday, Jun 15, 2009 - 5:38:40 PM
HEY I THINK UR SHOW IS REALLY COOL I WAS LISTENING TO IT LAST NIGHT FOR THE FIRST TIME AND I JUST WANTED TO SAY THANKS FOR INSPIREING ME ANS I LIKE WHEN U SAID THAT WE ARENT ALONE
- JULIO

Monday, Jun 15, 2009 - 3:23:49 PM
dawson, i like this guy but he's younger than me. i don't c him very often but when i do i don't talk to him. what do i do to let the friendship that we have evolve? we are friends btw.
-

Monday, Jun 15, 2009 - 12:11:11 PM
hey i was listening to ur show last night n there was this one kid there that said that her father just came back into her life n she doesnt kno if she wants to talk to him bcuz he was abusive n he wasn't there for her. I kind of had the same experience. I think that if he did all those horrible things to her she should tell him to get lost. I think that if he loved her he would have never hurt his lil girl. If i was her i would just forgive him for myself not for him n tell him that she is doing fine without him. se should let him kno that he hurt her n its not ok. n maybe he will see now that he is a total jacka** n let her be.
- Jessy

Monday, Jun 15, 2009 - 2:47:18 AM
i always call my boyfran everyday and all the time he says can i call u back in a hour and im afraid 2 accuse him of cheating on me and he always goes 2 his ex-girlfrans house but he tells me there just frans but i have a hard time trusting him bcuz he has cheated on me before and i decided to give him another chance and i really think im in love with him but i just cant trust him what do i do????????
- ashley b.

Monday, Jun 15, 2009 - 1:44:40 AM
Hi Dawson! My name is victoria and tonight was the first night I heard your show and it really helped me! I have really low self esteem but I disguise it very well with a smile. I have problems with my mom and myself. And I look forward to improvement but my relationship with my mom is so hurtful that it is very difficult to think of myself as worthy.
- victoria

Monday, Jun 15, 2009 - 1:12:17 AM
Three weeks ago is when me and my boyfriend hooked up. Our 1 month ann. Will be on the 26 (He lives an hour away from me.) But ever since he left from my house saturday morning a week ago he hasn't talked to me much. He's always saying that he's busy with work. I talked to him about it but all he said was he's sorry he's just been busy. I don't want him thinking I don't trust him. While this is going on a couple days ago one of my guy friends (who is dating another girl) started treating me really sweet and admitted he cares about me and wants to date. He picked me up from summer school at 4pm and stayed till 7pm and flirted with me the whole time. I'm completly lost. I don't want to be hurt again. What do I do?
- Mandi

Sunday, Jun 14, 2009 - 11:41:20 PM
Dawson, ok one of my friends is a really close friend to this boy who is my friend and like they are always together and laughing and hanging out. I've told her she should go out with him but she just keeps getting mad at me and i dont know what to do. I still want them to go out, but she might hate me if i asked her again so i need some help please and the guy who is my friend has told me so many times that he loves her. He gets horribly depressed when she says that she doesnt like him in that way and that she will never like him in that way.
- Rachel

Sunday, Jun 14, 2009 - 11:07:22 PM
Hi, i hope this is confidential, because i have a lot of friends and i don't want people who knows me find out about this. I have a boyfriend, on and off we've been dating for 5 yrs. 6 months ago, i have a guy friend that i started to brought around my girlfriends, and all my girls go gaga over him. he is very good looking in a boyish way. so i started to notice how good looking he is and started to sleep with him. none of my girlfriends knows about it, neither was my boyfriend. for the past month, we stop having sex because we were too busy (or maybe because he's too busy, i don't know). last tuesday, i invited him to hang out with my friends again. my best friend told me that she wanted him (she have a boyfriend and this guy have meet her boyfriend and my boyfriend at a different occation.) That night, they get very touchy feely around me, i felt a little jealous, betrayed and disrespected. we still have a good time, but the next day, i emailed him and told him that he have every right to do what he does, but i just wanted him to know how i feel. i don't expect anything from him, however, i wanted to stay away from them both and wish them good luck and give them my blessings. My question is: am i not being a good friend to her by not telling her that i've been sleeping with him all this time, and show him the kind of man he really is with the way he's treating me. what if they're good for each other, all i have to do is keep my mouth shut? but also what if she found out from him? will he ever tell her about us?
- anonymous

Sunday, Jun 14, 2009 - 10:19:22 PM
Hey Dawson, I got a q. So, I'm 21, been single for two years now. I'm attractive, big into sports, and very independent. But I'm the girl guys try to cheat with, and play and never want to commit. I have no problem being single, but I'm starting to get lonely. Is there something I can change... or do I need to just keep going the way I am now?
- Ali

Sunday, Jun 14, 2009 - 10:00:42 PM
My boyfriend claims that we arnt going out but all my friends know that we are. And we keep getting into big fights.
- Emily p.

Sunday, Jun 14, 2009 - 9:40:56 PM
Dawson: This is not a question. This is a praise. You are like an angel on Earth! I am 13, and me and all my friends ADORE you and your show! My best friend, Bonnie, would especially like to tell you that you are her idol and that she aspires to be just like you; helping people with their problems/issues. WE LOVE YOU< DAWSON!!! -Janine Atlanta, Georgia
- Janine T.

Sunday, Jun 14, 2009 - 8:50:19 PM
My friends are trying to help me create a relationship with a girl i like. we have know each other almost 5 years. Should i ask her out or let my friends help me more?
- david

Sunday, Jun 14, 2009 - 5:52:50 PM
Friends want me to "hook up" with any guy they see in town. I don't go for those guys and they don't seem to understand my feelings. How am I suppose to tell them that I am not wanting to date men they pick out for me?
- Bailey

Saturday, Jun 13, 2009 - 7:00:00 PM
My friends have girlfriends and they say they are happy, should i get a girl to because im really unhappy and i need support?
- david

Saturday, Jun 13, 2009 - 10:30:58 AM
I made a mistake awhile back with my boyfriend. but me and him fixed it. But to this day i still feel like his friends are trying to break us up.... is there anything i can do to get rid of this feeling?
- shelby

Friday, Jun 12, 2009 - 7:07:27 PM
hi . i am jake and i am 14. i am dateing a girl but i dont love her anymore and i want to break up with her. i am afraid that her friends going to find out. i think she is cheating on me with her ex what sould i do ? thanks Jake
- Jake