SEX - How Far Is Too Far?

We have reached the top of the mountain—the end of our journey through the 50 most pressing questions you have had about the opposite sex. If you look over the past 24 blogs (we’ve done two questions per blog), you’ll have a great resource to help you get through any questions or confusion you might have regarding any important relationship with someone of the opposite sex. Before we begin a new topic next week, let’s answer these two final questions.

QUESTION #49) Michael asked: “What is the thinking of those who are either dating or just going to the prom? It is my way of thinking if someone is dating, they should be considering getting married sometime in their future, and the same for the prom. Is it just a cool social thing to do, or a really serious time of considering your future?”

The biggest danger I see in dating is most people do not guard their heart.

DAWSON: Michael, you’re blowing my mind. You obviously are a serious thinker who has come to some radical, but amazing conclusions. Most guys don’t put that much thought or consideration into what they are doing when they take out a girl. Yes, dating can be a very serious matter. It can be serious stuff because when two people start sharing their lives together in an intimate way, feelings and emotions get intensified, making it easier for people to get hurt. But, dating can also be a very meaningful and fun—and a great way to learn about yourself.

The biggest danger I see in dating is most people do not guard their heart. By heart I mean, the very core of their emotions—the place where they really live. They’re not careful of who they date, or what they do, as long as they feel like they are in love, or someone cares about them. People who don’t guard their hearts are easily used by manipulators and their own emotions that spin out of control. Most people who don’t guard their heart end up in fast, emotional, destructive relationships. I have talked to so many people whose lives have been scarred, or permanently altered because of irresponsible dating. Dating is not a game, it is an activity where people can grow in personal relationships, or get themselves really hurt. I can’t say it enough, Michael, everyone needs to guard their heart so we don’t have any more emotional victims all around us.

Each date you go on could be a valuable experience for you, and for the other person, if you allow it to be.

With that being said, I’d encourage you to not take dating (or even taking girls on special event dates like the prom) so seriously that it prevents you from having a good time and getting to know people from the opposite sex. There is a lot of fun to be had by just social dating—meaning, you’re not dating strictly one person, but just having good social times with different girls. It’s important to be clear about what you’re doing when you’re socially dating, and not trying to convince each girl she is the only one! Spending one on one time with someone of the opposite sex will be very helpful for you to learn what kind of woman you’d eventually like to marry, and will help you learn better how to treat the women in your life. Each date you go on could be a valuable experience for you, and for the other person, if you allow it to be. But keep in mind you have to guard your heart.

QUESTION #50) Jody asked: “Sex – how far is too far in a dating relationship? My conscience has been bothering me.”

DAWSON: Your conscience is a really good indicator to let you know when you are, or someone else is, crossing your own personal boundaries and deep value system. You can have a healthy dating life that is not being trashed by violated standards. It does, however, require you to set and follow clear standards for how far you will go on a date. Here are a few principles you may want to apply to your own dating relationships:

You can have a healthy dating life that is not being trashed by violated standards.

1. The “Selfish Touch” Principle – this refers to touching someone in a way that arouses both their sexual and their deep emotional desires. If a guy (or it could just as easily be a girl toward a guy) touches a woman in a way that arouses her passion, he has acted selfishly and has gone too far.
2. The “Sex Controls the Date” Principle – Our lives should not be controlled or “mastered” by anything. If the physical or sexual part of your relationship is controlling or dominating your time together, then you’ve gone too far. The question to ask yourself is this: If you took all physical activity out of your relationship would there be enough left of that relationship to continue?
3. The “Sex Controls My Thoughts” Principle – Our minds should not be constantly dwelling on passion and sex. If what you do on a date causes you or your partner to constantly fantasize about sex, you have gone too far.
4. The “Does It Cause Me to Mislead” Principle – Any kind of sexual activity can lead your dating partner to believe you are more committed to him/her than you really are. If your sexual activity on a date has misled your partner concerning your true feelings and commitment, you have gone too far.
5. The “Ten Year Later” Principle – Anything you do today will have an effect for years to come. Will you be able to look your partner in the eye, or perhaps your current partner’s future spouse, ten years from now and be proud about how you treated him/her today? Your goal should be to leave the person you’re dating today with great memories that build them up, not tear them down.

Friday, Jul 31, 2009 - 12:58:47 AM
Lying... well everyone does it at least once or more. When you lie you have to lie about something else to cover that lie. To lie is more trouble than its worth. The truth always comes around. Its always best to be honest it makes any and every relationship strong and healthy. But is it possible to be better to lie to someone like your best friend about something to spare their feelings rather than tell them the truth and take the chance of hurting their feelings or even making them mad at you?
- Macey W.

Thursday, Jul 30, 2009 - 12:36:14 AM
I lied to my parents for about 7 months about seeing a guy. I didnt tell them because I knew they wouldnt approve of him, and they would not let me see him. I really liked this guy, and for a while thought I loved him. One night I lied to my parents about where I was going, I said I was going out with a friend. I was really going with him to a pool party some friends from work were having. There was drinking there, and I ended up driving him home because I dont drink. On the way home, he decided it would be funny to jerk my wheel as I was going 70mph down the intersate. It almost flipped my car and killed both of us. I really do believe that if it werent for God we would both be dead right now. I decided to come clean to my parents when I got home. It was the hardest thing to do, but I felt so much better after I did. I no longer talk to this guy, because I know this is not the type of guy that not only my parents, but also God would not want me seeing. Lying to my parents about him almost cost me my life. I have learned such a huge lesson through all of this. I believe God allowed me to go through all of this to show me that I was making a huge mistake in what I was doing. It was not only causing me to drift away from God and my parents, but I was also risking my life.
- Stephanie

Wednesday, Jul 29, 2009 - 11:33:06 PM
Dawson, this is about the lying topic you want to hear about: About two years ago, I became friends with a girl and it eventually turned into a "best friend" kind of deal. I trusted every word she said, and I always admired her. Too bad she was lying about everything. She made me feel sympathy for her at times when she told me her father died. But not only that, she ended being a liar the whole entire time. She never wanted to be my friend. She just wanted to come over to my house so she could fool with the guy across the street. She spread terrible rumors about me that were untrue and she destroyed my life. My mom often worrid about me. And to this day, I honestly dont trust anyone.
- Sara

Wednesday, Jul 29, 2009 - 7:08:32 PM
I think every thing you had said was correct about dating,I had a relationship ounce and it ended badly and I did not guard my heart so I got hurt very bad.
- Corinia

Wednesday, Jul 29, 2009 - 1:59:54 PM
I understand you have to guard your heart. I have always guarded my heart. I let one girl in past my guard and she definitely misled me. I was hurt pretty bad, but I know there more out there so I didn't let it keep me down long. I have since had a strong guard up around my guard and now I am afraid that after so long, and getting so used to, of having a guard up I may not be able to let anyone in. Thanks for all you do Dawson
- taylor

Wednesday, Jul 29, 2009 - 12:36:15 AM
wow that actually put some things into the light about my dating, i have been in relationships like that, but do all guys know when they are being that selfish? or do they just act on selfish impulse? and if you tell them not to ..do they have Any right to be angry?
- mariah

Tuesday, Jul 28, 2009 - 2:18:32 AM
I feel as though guarding your heart can be a bad thing as well. I think I guard my heart far too much. There have been so many men that have hurt me throughout my life, that my guard is up 24/7. I just don't want to keep getting hurt and by not putting myself out there, if feels as though I am saving myself-or protecting myself, if you will. In the end, I know that I am only hurting myself even more; I don't want to be alone.
- Ari

Monday, Jul 27, 2009 - 7:20:58 PM
wow some of the things pin pointed in here are some of the very questions i have for my parents but im to scared to ask thank you DM
- whitney

Monday, Jul 27, 2009 - 2:46:03 AM
I love listening to your show. I personally think that when you start to feel uncomfortable sexually with the person you're dating or "hooking up" with then its gone too far. I've promied myself not to have sex before marriage, so I know for sure im in a committed relationship.
- shannon

Monday, Jul 27, 2009 - 12:46:32 AM
i think you and your show is amazing, just by listening to wat you say on the radio you helped me so much and i just want to thank you because of you i quit drinking and doing drugs my grades are up in school and i realized who my true friends are and i dont give my heart out to anyone. so Thank You.
- Amanda

Monday, Jul 27, 2009 - 12:31:16 AM
I wonderful youth pastor once told me that the amount of effort you put into a relationship is the same amount it's going to hurt when it ends. It makes no difference if you're dating or you've been married for 70 years... It's going to hurt when it ends. Think about it!
- Jeremy

Sunday, Jul 26, 2009 - 10:27:59 PM
i thank 2 far is when ur drunk thats my advice
- kristena

Sunday, Jul 26, 2009 - 9:02:00 PM
iv had a lot of questions about sex and you answered them thank you if i hadnt read this me and my boyfreind would have had sex but we broke up and i am happier than ive been in two years thanks and God bless
- hannah

Sunday, Jul 26, 2009 - 8:23:05 PM
Dear Dawson, It's so easy for people to tell lie after lie after lie, but when they fall deeper into their tangled web of lies they almost always find themselves in an even worse situation than they were before. It's so much better to tell the truth in any situation, rather than try to lie your way back to the truth. Here's a really great quote! "We tell lies when we are afraid... afraid of what we don't know, afraid of what others will think, afraid of what will be found out about us. But every time we tell a lie, the thing that we fear grows stronger." ~Tad Williams Just putting in my opinion. :) God Bless you, Dawson, and thank you so much for your cares towards all of us. <3
- Linda

Sunday, Jul 26, 2009 - 6:49:40 PM
thanx!! that has really cleared things up for me!!!
- lizzie

Sunday, Jul 26, 2009 - 12:33:09 AM
Its simple. If you guys are having sex, and either of you is not prepared, thats too far. Plain and simple. Dont worry about foreplay, thats just the idiots way of taking up time
- Charlie

Saturday, Jul 25, 2009 - 10:48:00 PM
Dawson, I just wanted to thank you for all the great advice you give and for helping teenagers and young adults with there problems. God bless.
- Hannah