Consequences of Cutting

I have been, for the last several weeks, blogging about cutting. It is not easy, or pretty. But neither is cancer, and we deal with it everyday. Cutting is a nasty, horrific addiction. There is nothing quite like it, short of suicide. Though most cutters would claim they don’t want to kill themselves, they just like the sight of their blood, and the high it brings. Andi said she’s been cutting for a year and a half, even though she doesn’t remember why she started. “[For me] it’s like a drug. I get the high [when I see] the color of my cherry blood oozing out of my body, then when it dries the burgundy color it leaves behind.”

No one cuts to end up paralyzed in her own emotional pain. But somewhere down the road, that’s where she finds herself.

Spending hours locked in the bathroom at home, or on the floor of a dirty bathroom stall, the cutter carries her precious tools with her wherever she goes—ready at any time to take matters into her own hands. To relieve the emotional pressure and pain she can’t describe, she resorts to slicing into her own skin. The dripping blood reminds her she’s still alive. No one to talk to, she settles for self-injury. The blade is her fake friend. The shame and the scars, her constant companions. Just trying to find her way through the rocky road of life, she can’t help but turn inward.

I don’t want to be anything but compassionate toward someone caught in the struggle of cutting. But there is a time when it’s necessary to call it what it is—and expose the destructive consequences of cutting.

Cutting Causes:

1) Paralyzing, Emotional Pain

No one cuts to end up paralyzed in her own emotional pain. But somewhere down the road, that’s where she finds herself. Someone wrote and told me that after the high of cutting wears off, you are left with even more pain. “I quit the cutting because someone once told me the truth, that you only forget about your emotional pain for a moment. It's like a drug—you come down from it and you feel much worse than you did before because you have to deal with the emotional pain that comes from cutting on top of whatever emotional pain you were already feeling.”

One has to wonder how many countless hours and schemes cutters use to hide their physical scars.

Dara said she cut for two years, but still carries the weight of the emotional pain with her. “The couple minutes of relief are not worth the months of hiding and uncomfortable situations when people find out.”

People who begin cutting are convinced their self-medication works. It is a shattering experience to find out later on, not only does it not work, but it is extremely emotionally destructive.

2) A Body Full of Ugly Scars

One has to wonder how many countless hours and schemes cutters use to hide their physical scars—permanent reminders of their tragic mistakes. Eddie started cutting when he was twelve. “I thought it was for me to take all my anger and frustrations out on myself, but I noticed the scars it leaves will always remind me of my mistakes.”

Sidney is 14 and has been cutting since she was nine. “Those scars are there forever and every time I see them I’m going to be so sad about why I [cut].”

Cutting is an ugly scar-giving enemy, who will constantly remind you of a dark past no one would want to repeat.

Not only are you left with scars for the rest of your life, it’s also very possible to get infections from cutting with something that is dirty or not sterile. It is also extremely possible to misjudge the depth of a cut, actually requiring stitches or even hospitalization. You can pass out or even bleed to death. You don’t want to die, I’m sure of that. Let’s face it, cutting is an ugly scar-giving enemy, who will constantly remind you of a dark past no one would want to repeat, or remember.

3) A Sick Web of Addiction

Most cutters never intend to become addicted to it. Liz said, for her, cutting was worse than drugs because she wanted to do it all the time. “You don't care where you are—it's almost like you can't go on without it.”

Cutting can easily become a compulsive behavior, meaning the more you do it, the more you feel the need to do it. Your brain starts to connect the false sense of relief from bad feelings with cutting. The next time you feel the pressure building, your brain craves this relief. The urge to cut can seem too hard to resist. Your attempt to feel a sense of control over your life has ended up controlling you.

JS commented about how all through high school she would try to stop, but then would go back to it shortly after. “Then I would feel horrible when I finished cutting. The highs weren’t lasting as long and the crash was even worse. So I began cutting more, deeper, and more frequently. Being very interested in psychology I knew the chemical reasons, but I was already hooked and couldn’t stop.”

You know I care about you very much—enough to tell you the truth. But let’s get down to it. If you are a cutter, it’s time for you step back and take a good look at what you’re doing to yourself. It’s time to tell yourself the truth.

Cutting can easily become a compulsive behavior, meaning the more you do it, the more you feel the need to do it.

• Are you addicted to cutting?
• Does the cutting actually help you deal with the emotional pain you’re going through, or does it just cover it up?
• Do you feel more worthless and stupid the more scars you see on your body?
• Are your friends worried about your cutting?
• Do you spend large amounts of time trying to hide your cutting?
• Have you told yourself you want to quit, but can’t?

Friday, Oct 30, 2009 - 5:58:10 AM
I am a cutter. I am 18 almost 19 and I have been cutting since I was 13. I have over 500 scars and counting. I was raped by my best friend, sexually assaulted, sexually abused, physically abused, emotionally abused, and mentally abused. It started when I was really young my mother made me keep her secrets like the affairs and it drove me crazy! I wanted so bad to tell my step dad but never did. I raised myself and took care of my mother when she needed it. I was the rock my mother counted on. I love her I do but it became too much for me. When I was in 9th grade I got into a huge fight with my step-dad who verbally & emotionally abused me. I was washing dishes and cut my thumb pretty bad I had 5 stiches. Well that was the beginning of my cutting. It started at the beginning of the school year. I pierced my ears myself and than my lip. When I started cutting I was already seeing a psychologist at school and it was crazy I didn't want to tell her because I knew anything I said got repeated back to my mother so I just stopped talking during my group therapy sessions. That following summer before sophomore year my supposed to be best guy friend got really high one night and came over to my house at 3 in the morning he had raped me and gotten me pregnant. I didn't want to tell anyone either because I was so scared and afraid of what anyone would do. I fell down a few flight of stairs and tumbled down a slide goofing around at a park. I became anorexic and talked to my aunt when I miss-carried the baby at 4 mos. I went into a deep depression right before school started that year. I stopped talking to him period and he got furious about it and said that I was a liar and I lost all my friends. Junior year after being fired from the theatre and my long time boyfriend broke off our engagement I was ready to just be done. My mother tried to kill herself because of her stalker a guy she had an affair with tried to start a whole bunch of crap. That same summer I was at my dads and was sexually abused by a 21 yr old when I was 15 he was dating a friend of mine who was only 12 but yeah enough said. He went to prison and just recently got out. Well Junior year I was alone no friends no job no nothing I was by myself and I was ready to give up. I started contemplating my suicide and than she came and started talking to me. This crazy ball of sunshine nothing can go wrong girl started talking to me interested in being my friend I thought something was on my face or she woulnd't be talking to me because I was wearing all black in my depressed state of mind and she is here wearing bright pastel colors it sickend me. But I thought I would wait and see what happens...until one day I couldn't take things anymore I told her goodbye that I couldn't take it anymore and tried to kill myself while we were watching a movie during class. stupid I know but I did. she than told my psychologist that day and my mother than found out that I was a cutter and she totally flipped out big time. I was so scared I didn't know what to even say to her because there was no way I was going to tell her she was part of the reason because she became a burden to me. Well she started giving me her anti-depressant pills since she stopped taking them. Cause apparently I needed to be on them. Well I was overdosing at this point on pills and cutting more and more and it got worse. I tried to committ suicide about three times withing those two years. That girl who saved my life that day became my best friend and we are still friends to this day. I know without her I would be dead for sure. But my cutting the summer before and during senior year got worse as time went on. I fought so much with my mother, we moved out our house she divorced my step-dad of 12 years for a guy who she was having an affair with. He is amazing but he got on my nerves real fast. He was in the air force but was recently discharged for no reason. over the year they were together him and I grew closer. He tried to help build up the relationship with my mother but it didn't really work. I had a major break-down one day. My mother flipped out at me because she couldn't find her stupid perfume and b****ed at me for it. I got home from school her boyfriend at the time was over seas. My friends dropped me off my aunt janie was in town from ogden because my mother had brought her down to take care of me and keep me in line so I had a curfew after school which was to be in the door by 3. But when I got home that day she was out with my mothers twin sister jennifer who lives in kearns. she called to tell me she was going to come get me until my mother got off work. So I got home the first thing I did was overdosed really bad I didn't eat anything all day...So empty stomache mixed with like 24-30 advil pills (200mg) I broke a picture frame grabbed the glass and began to cut again it was pretty deep and my arm was soaked so when my Janie got there I quickly hid the glass where no one would find it. pulled down my jacket sleeves she asked me if I cut myself but I lied and said I didn't and when we got to my aunt jennifer's house my aunt janie grabbed my arms because I was looking a little flushed and I was crying so bad she asked me why I lied to her about it? I told her because I knew she would tell my mother if I did and I was right. My mother flipped a big one on me in front of my aunts and my aunt jens friend angela. I was so upset Janie came home with my mother and I....after I passed out from blood loss and all those pills they couldn't wake me up for dinner. I didn't get up till the next morning and my mother took me to school but she was completely stand offish to me which I was used to so I waited for my two friends to get there and when they arrived I immedeatly went to my best friend and started crying she embraced me with a hug and held me for a min. I showed her my arms from that night and told her how ashamed I was of it but I just couldn't help it from the day before. She understood. Well that following January (2009) she overdosed and I put her in the hospital skipped school to see her in the hospital and all that. I was so depressed while she was gone. It was so hard for me to go to school with my other friend saying "you're still crying really? I stopped a long time ago." though it was only a day ago. Well as time went on she barely came to school so it was hard but I went to see her after school till I had a ride home. My mother and I didnt talk much. She was really rude and neglagent towards me I didn't care anymore. When graduation came My mother said thats great I'm off to vegas see you later. I was so hurt and haven't forgiven her for it. I bottled that and cut again. lived with my stepmother for the summer and we fought a lot as well. I missed my mother. I missed her yelling at me and thats really saying something. Went up there to suprise her for her birthday but still she was neglagent. I still cut every now and than. I've tried many coping skills and still cant find any good ones. I tried rubber bands, psychologists, writing it out, walking it out, even just typing and than deleting it. But I can't find anything to really help me out. I try to talk to my friend but all I have really been thinking lately is going to rehab, the hospital, or UNI cause I know that I could really use that extra help. I don't care. I tole my friend if she thinks I'm ever really that low to put me in there herself even if I plead and beg her not to. and she said she would so we'll see what happens. But last night after a while of not really cutting I had a major mental break down and I regret it but not really cause it felt amazing to get that frustration and stress and negative energy out of me. I need help and I would do anything to get that help I need. Right now all I can do is really try to stop my addiction to cutting
- alexis

Thursday, Oct 29, 2009 - 10:47:18 PM
I am a cutter. I am 15 now and have been since I was 11 almost 12. I was sexually, physicaly, emothionaly abused by family members. My mom went to prison when I was young. I raised my twin broher and I had no childhood. I blamed myself for everything that has happened to me so I started cutting. I sometimes have nightmare at nights and wake up crying. That is when the cutting comes in. To me the scars are not bad because I cutt for a reason. When I get done cutting and the pain from the cutting goes away, yes the pain I had before cutting does come back but I still had that little break. That short relief. I met someone that has helped me a lot. I have commited suicide before and I struggled with the thoughts on a daily basis. When I met my sister I was on the verge of killing myself and she stopped me. She has helped me greatly. I still continue to cutt myself pretty deep and as often as I can. Every time I can get alone and with anything I can cutt myself with I do it. I can't go two whole days without cutting. It is a nasty addiction that you do not want to get caught on to. It's just as addicting as drugs are maybe even more. It all depends on the person. For me cutting is the most addicting thing in the world!!
- Kasi K.

Thursday, Oct 29, 2009 - 9:44:49 PM
Hi, im a cutter of 2 yrs not fully two years but off and on when im going through a hard time. it seems like its the only thing i can do a points where i wont get in trouble with the law for dealing with my streess.
- cody c.

Thursday, Oct 29, 2009 - 7:45:54 PM
I used to cut myself. I was cutting myself for 5 years. I did it because pain from the cut and the scars kept my mind off of my depression, and what I was sad about then. But my depression only got worse and I started having suicidal thoughts. Well, I actually went through with it. I shouldnt be alive today. But I pulled through. And now I really regret cutting myself and my suicidal attempt because I realized how much I hurt my family. Now I haven't cut myself in about 3 years.And my life has turned around for the better. I do admit that I still get depressed and I still think about cuttting. But I already put my family through alot and I wouldn't be able to go through it again.
- Chelsey

Thursday, Oct 29, 2009 - 4:41:09 PM
I don't really know why I cut. I have some issues at school with people and my life is okay but I just don't feel real anymore. I looked at all my scars in the mirror this morning and I asked my reflection, who are you? Then I broke down because I knew the answer already. I don't want the personality that I have set up for myself. Bit the real cause is that I don't want to be labeled as anything. I didn't cut today, but I know that I will probably go back soon. I feel lonely. Nobody understands my pain or sadness. My "friends" ignore me and when I say something that they usually laugh at, they say it is not funny. It really is though! Life is the most painful game and cutting is the biggest gamble that I take.
-

Thursday, Oct 29, 2009 - 4:37:48 PM
I am 12 and i have been cutting everyday since my parents got a divorce this year in January. I have been rushed to the hospital twice so far. I cant wear shrotsleeves, I cant wear bathing suits, and i had to quit volleyball because i couldnt wear shorts. Now, I am proud to say that i jioned my local youthgroup, joined volleyball again, and now im in theatre! I have been clean for 2months now.....just because i heard a story on Dawson!!!!! I LOVE YOU ALL AND ILL PRAY FOR YOU!!!!!
- McKenzie

Thursday, Oct 29, 2009 - 2:15:35 PM
thank you Dawson McAllister :) Your blog really did help me. i havn't been on your website in forever and I was feeling really depressed and something in my mind just told me to go online. when I did I scrolled down and saw this week's blog was about cutting, and I froze. not even 5 minutes before I got on I was thinking about cutting.. i've done it once and i've tried to keep myself from doing it again and I almost did but I didn't because of YOU. cutting really shouldn't be the solution to pain and i'm glad you told me.. thank you.
- brandi

Thursday, Oct 29, 2009 - 1:06:28 AM
Hi. I had a friend that told me she cut herself and I tried to let her know how it wasnt good for her and that she is a better person than that. She ended up stopping for a while. I've always had anger problems and never knew how to release it. One night I was so upset over either my coach making fun of me for being over weight or my mom and me fighting so I ended up cutting. It was a shock at first that I didnt really feel it. I did it again only when I needed to cry, it almost helped me to release the stress without crying. I would do it everytime I was upset. My friend saw it so I made up tons of excuses and doing that I felt so stupid for doing it. I told my mom to see if I could go to a doctor, but she seemed to be so mad at me like she was embarassed or that i just wanted attention. Of course I did it taht night. I stopped for 2 years then I was very upset one night so I did it. I was almost relieved so I did it a couple more times. I would cut myself in a place that no one could see. Well then my boyfriend saw it. It hurt me to look at his face and to know it hurt him too. I promised him I would never do it again and that was 3 years ago. I still want to when ive had a really bad day and I dont want to take it out on him. I love him and Im starting to love myself so I havent started again!
- sara

Thursday, Oct 29, 2009 - 12:19:42 AM
I started cutting myself when i was in junior high, because of reasons i'd rather not say... but i've been doing it ever since and i can't stop. It's like my own personal drug that i can't give up. i've talked to counslers, but they don't help at all. Any ideas on how i should handle this?
- Kelly

Wednesday, Oct 28, 2009 - 10:30:40 PM
Dawson, my name is Gary, I'm 22, been cutting and hitting myself since i was 15, I stopped for the past year and was able to control it until last thursday I just couldnt take it anymore and slipped up, I felt horrible immediately after do it, I dont know why I ended up resorting to this.. its like no matter how much I think ive beaten it i always think about it and its in the back of my mind. Is there any advice you have? Im desperate.
- Gary P.

Wednesday, Oct 28, 2009 - 10:12:17 PM
I use to be a cutter, i didn't know how to deal with my problems, i cut for so long it didn't even matter. My bestfriend at the time told the principal on me. The principal told me i have one week to tell my parents or she would, i went home that day and wrote them a letter and gave it to them! they helped me through it, they didnt understand, but thats the thing if you arent a cutter you can try to understand but you never will! i am no longer a cutter, i really started to think about how am i going to explain the scars to my husband and kids. i have a lot of respect to those people out there who have stop and those who are trying to stop. bottom line is you don't get anywhere cutting. no matter what your problems will always be there! talk to someone or write your feelings down...put the blade down!
- Samarra

Wednesday, Oct 28, 2009 - 9:45:41 PM
I started cutting last year. It got to the point where i was so depressed that thinking about the pain emotinally was no longer enough, so i made the emotional pain to physica pain. The weird thing is that even i myself dont understand, is I didnt enjoy cutting, i didn't want to, i hated myself when i did. but something drew me to the blade. i wasn't addicted, but in a way, i wanted it, but i didnt. Im afraid of suicide, that whenever i thought of it, i became afraid, i;d never be able to bring myself to it. i feel horrible for cutting. and when i see my scars, i feel like an ugly, horrible, monster.It was so painful. I hated having to lie and hide myself from everything. It got so bad, i used to carry two blades on me. one around my neck, and one in my pocket. I feel so horrible, and i know you all say there is hope out there, but i just dont feel it. i always feel i wouldnt deserve it even if it was there.
- anomonous

Wednesday, Oct 28, 2009 - 8:01:37 PM
heyy!! :) this blog is very truee!!! i have a friend who cuts pretty bad and im ganna definitely share this with her!! :) thanks dawson!! -bree
- Bree k

Wednesday, Oct 28, 2009 - 6:42:42 PM
Hi my name is Paulina, I am 15 years old. I started cutting when I was 14. I honeslty don't know why i started cutting but I did. It was a way for me to get out of all the stressfull things going on in my life. I tried so hard not to cutt. But then it got to much to handle and i did it every day. I did it on my leg so no one would know.. But then i got to the point i started doing it on my wrist. I tried killing myself once. Evertime i see the 7 scars on my wrist and the multpile ones on my leg. I think to myslef why did i even do that? i did it because I couldnt handle life anymore. Im always wrong about these kinds of things. When my friends found out i was doing it. Then the started to teach me a lesson which i thought was stupid so i stoped. Then it became my whole intire class got into it. I thought it was really stupid when I found out. I didnt understand. until they told me that It was cool. I was like WHAT! and ignored it untill i had to do something so i went to a teacher and things got better now fairly few people cutt. I found a new way to deal with my problems insead of cutting it may not be better but it is.. I hit things or go to a gym and punch the punching bag. Or box some of my friends without gloves. I know stupid right? well thats the only way i can deal with my life. I will eventually stop and relize what im doing that will last a week and then I will do it all over again. Iv learned now that These ways are not the best so now i am just dealing with my problems by going to a counslor and talking to my friends and family so always go to your family and friends they are there to help not judge you! i found that out myself! =)
- Pauline

Wednesday, Oct 28, 2009 - 6:25:29 PM
I personally think cutting is like falling in love it's a way of exspressing your self not a good wAY TO DO THAT BUT IT'S A WAY
- darrielle

Wednesday, Oct 28, 2009 - 3:27:43 PM
i started to cut myself when i was 11 years old. it is ABSOLUTLEY like a drug.. like... i desire the pain.. i NEED the pain. i dont like cutting but i feel as though i need it. my family and friends know about this and try to help.. it doesnt work. i feel as though the ONLY help i can get is by the pain from the cut. i dont know what to do. i tell myself and read to myself everything that could happen from cutting but still, i cant seem to escape this type of Drug.!
- Nanaee

Wednesday, Oct 28, 2009 - 2:47:39 PM
I am 13 and i cut-often.It has been about 8 months that ive been cuting. Actualy i just cut about 45 minutes ago.I cut because of my mom.Im not good at crying so i cut instead.Most of my friends know i cut im very open about it but my mom has never noticed.Some times i do it just to feel somthing other than what im feeling at the moment.I am realy just a good kid i make stright A's in school im in extracericular activites i baby sit do every thing im told and yet im never good enogh for her and it HURTS!!Ifeel screwed up and stupid and when i cut a get a crazy high and its like i can breath agien.I think my scars are beautiful and maybe if i hurt myself before some one else dos then i will be ok
- stella m.

Wednesday, Oct 28, 2009 - 2:19:07 PM
I was a cutter for about two years. no one seemed to notice until i went to one of the counselers at my school and told her that i wanted to get some help i stopped about 4 months ago. the things that were bothering me just built up to a point that i thought that cutting was my last option left. now i am able express my pain in a better way than leaving maks all over my skin. I know that if all of these people can stop than everyone is able to do so. I know that it will take some time btu stopping it is the best thing you can do for yourself.
- Amanda

Wednesday, Oct 28, 2009 - 1:27:57 PM
well actually im a cutter to and im trying to stop but its relly hard its like a drug really once you try it one time its almost impossible to stop i havnt cut in a whil but i still hurt myself (even thoough i know its not just hurting me it hurts everyone around me) i will pop rubber bands against my rist i will get hi off of anything i can find so i wont have to feel the pain anymore to adults i seem like a great kid but when im alone i do the worst things possible for a thirteen year old to do i need to talk someone cuz i need to know wat i can do the reason why i started is because at school i was sexually assulted and he had done that sense the first day of shool that was 4months ago and finnaly yesterday i told the counsler but he still looks at me like hes undressing me with his eyes im scared hes gonna hurt me so lately iv been hurting myself more please help i need some advice.
- jessica l

Wednesday, Oct 28, 2009 - 2:25:22 AM
I escaped because I finally got to the place where I wanted to. For years, my friends or parents would beg me to stop...and I would try. But I was never successful until I finally did it for myself. As long as you are doing it for someone else, you will never be successful quitting. Sad as it is, there's really nothing you can do until you just become determined that you want to be free...because you deserve so much more. I've been clean for over a year now...and trust me, its hard, but it does get easier I promise!
- Lisa

Wednesday, Oct 28, 2009 - 2:24:40 AM
I actually started when I was 14, carrying a razor blade and needles nearly everywhere I went. My parents were abusive, and I believed that "to get rid of emotional pain, you must over come with physical pain", but then it became an addiction. My best friend nearly saved my life when the cops found out about me having sharp 'weapons' in school, and threw them away before anyone could ever see them; I could've been in jail for a few years, but now that I'm 18, i've stopped. Yes, I still have HUGE urges to just tear up my leg, but I have a husband to stop me from doing that. A friend to talk to helps more than anything in the world when it comes to this type of situation. And I guess you are right Mr. McAllister: For every scar you leave on your body, it also leaves an emotional scar.
- Michelle B.-C.

Wednesday, Oct 28, 2009 - 2:03:40 AM
All i want to say is that I know people say its because its for a high or everything goes away, but for me its different... its like if the cuts heal and its been about a week or so, where i last gut feels TOO healthy, like i need the pain there... iv gotton so used to the healing and the pain and its gone and i hate that feeling... isnt that weird???
- Cass

Wednesday, Oct 28, 2009 - 1:55:01 AM
I have been a cutter for 3 years. my parents found out last feburary. they sent me to get help. it did...for a while. i stopped for a couple of months, but then picked it back up all over again. i want to stop, but i just cant. but the good thing is i have to love and support from my parents and counselor. thanks for blogging about this topic.
- Alicia

Wednesday, Oct 28, 2009 - 1:49:38 AM
How i deal with pain is i sit in my room till everything calms down i have never cut myself i have hurt myself... I have scars on my side from where i have grabbed my side and scratched it till it bleed but i dont cut myself hurt hit myself
- Jennifer R

Wednesday, Oct 28, 2009 - 1:10:51 AM
Hello Dawson, First off I Want to Thank you for discussing about these types of situations, some parents still find it hard to talk about these subjects. I myself have tried it but was lucky enough not to pursue it further. The reason I am writing to you is because I'm worried about my younger sister, she's 13 and I recently noticed a couple of scars on her wrists, she says they were accidental and I hate to doubt her but she is in a position where cutting would be an easy way to deal. I don't live with my mom any more, so it's difficult to check on her when she is most stressed. Living with my mom is no easy job, I love my mom but I know the way she is with my sister. She is constantly blamed, yelled at, and critisized by my mom, to make matters worse there is another sister who is treated differently (in a better way) than she is. I'd like to talk to her about it, possibly in a way where I'm not blaming her, if in fact I'm wrong about it. Please let me know what would be the best way to confront her. Thanks
- Judy

Wednesday, Oct 28, 2009 - 1:06:44 AM
Ive Been cutting myself since i was ten and cant stop... im now 15 and not only do i have an addiction to cutting myself but i have an addiction to smokeing and dinking...when i drink and smoke its at my freids house and her parents do know about it and do keep it limeted becuase the love me like their own kid but when im at home and i cant drink or smoke so i cut my upper arms and legs so they wont be seen...I also cut the sides of my neck and blame my cat because i cant stop...its like my own addiction and cant stop...i stopted once because i was on 800 miligrams of prozac but my mom lost her job and insurance so ive been off meds for sometime now and cant stop.
- whitney R.

Tuesday, Oct 27, 2009 - 3:34:38 AM
I use to cut myself recently and it was something that was becoming additive. I did it because i was in control and because it reminded me i was alive. I usually did this when things with my partner got out of control or i couldnt just deal with my emotional pain. I have scars and i have been tempted to start again and deal with my problems this way......
- Roxy

Tuesday, Oct 27, 2009 - 2:23:57 AM
I started cutting when I lost my grandpa and beloved childhood pet, about 6 years ago. I was so ashamed when I first did it, but I still do it to this day. I do it possibly for attention because no one seems to know the seriousness of a cutter, but I also do it to distract myself from sadness. The sadness of losing all of my other grandparents and friends, and the feeling of inadequacy. I never feel as if I'm good enough, and that I'll never do anything with my life. It is overwhelming. The moment of pain from cutting is real compared to the emotions inside of myself. I feel ridiculous for doing any of this, because I have had a relatively good life, except for the toxic parts inside of me. All of this cutting makes me feel incredibly narcissistic and pathetic, but I do not know how to change. And in some ways I do not care. But if no one else truly cares to intervene, and if I can't get over myself, then I'll just keep cutting. It's better than the anger and sadness bottling up inside.
- Chloe

Monday, Oct 26, 2009 - 4:34:21 PM
I never had the best life. All the way up tell I was 16 I didnt know how to handle my pain or hurt! From when I was 16 till just late last year I cut to hide all the problems I had and what I went through when I was a kid. To be honest I still have that craving to cut. Just the other day I sat in my room for hours just looking at my blade! But when I think about it really whats the use of it. I still have scars from when i did do it! The one I really have to think for getting me to quite would be my sisters Sheena and Eva! They dont know it buts its what I seen them go through is what made me stop. Not only that but its also whats the point of it? What does it really help? It dont; all it does is give you scars and make you regret what you did later. If my story could help someone else then its all the better. Dont get me wrong its still hard for me not to want to pick up that blade but that well all just come in time. Im more of the independent type so ive done most of this on my own! But I dont cut anymore
- Lori

Monday, Oct 26, 2009 - 3:49:23 PM
I started cutting when I was 14 in 2007. I got in a fight with my ex and my dad and then my best friend made it worse without meaning to. I wasnt mad at her beacause what she said was true and hearing the truth hurt, but I would never blame any of them or anyone for my cutting. I had a friend who did it and I always tried to stop her I knew it was bad but I didnt care I wanted the pain to stop. I cut myself three times that night and then for the next 2 and a half years, anytime I had that unbearable ache in my chest I cut. At first everyone was upset when they found out. But over time they stopped noticing or caring I didn't even have to cover up the scars with sleeves, no one ever noticed. Over the years I prayed to God asking for help and it always did at first. I have quit cutting at least a dozen times but I always went back to it. I always used the excuse "Im barely cutting, they're more like scratches. They'll be healed in a week" This summer my parents split up my dad was our only income and we almost lost our house. I was in so much pain there would be nights where I would cry myself to sleep asking God to kill me now. I was cutting again and I didnt care I kept saying "at least this is all Im doing at least Im still alive". I hung out with my best friend almost everyday that summer and she noticed a couple times and we talked about it but there were so many more times that she didnt notice. The last time I cut myself was about 4 weeks ago. Im more determined to quit now I started going to church again every Wednesday. I feel better but the problems I had this summer are coming back and I dont want to start again. That gnawing aching feeling in my chest could come back and I would have to start all over again. I dont want people to know this dark side of me so I'm not going to cut its not worth it. I know God is taking care of me and I'm so thankful for him and for the people he has put in my life.
- Brianna

Monday, Oct 26, 2009 - 2:54:32 PM
I was a cutter for over 4 years. I even went to rehab for it but that didnt even help. I went 3 months in rehab without cutting but the day I was released, I cut again. It was my drug. It was as bad for me as meth is for anyone else. Last year, October 25 actually, I moved out of my parents house on my own. As soon as I did that, I quit cutting and found that I didnt need the pain anymore. I've gone to counseling for this past year and after talking out the true reason I was hurting myself, I found that I didnt need to anymore. I want to help the other cutters out there. If my story can help anyone, I am willing to share.
- Raven D.

Monday, Oct 26, 2009 - 1:04:10 PM
im 29 an i hsve been a cutter since i was 14...b4 i cut i use to punch walls hit myself or bite myself. i would just get soo angry i couldnt stand it an i would just hurt myself. sometimes i think, yes! i want to die, an i go to hack in to my arm, an if its not deep enough or bleed enough i hack again. soo angry i didnt go deep enough... but when i do get a good cut i freak out! i have bad scars on my left forearm an the inside, ive tried not to cut anymore! i even got tattoos to cover up the scars an try an trick myself into not cuttin there, all it did was make me find a new place to cut. i tattooed beauty for ashes over my scars thinkin, prayin, hopin, God would give me beauty for this ash. will see...
- alice

Monday, Oct 26, 2009 - 3:04:28 AM
i started cutting myself at the age of 13. I'm now 21 and i haven't cut in over a 2 yrs. i nvr thought of it as an addiction at the time but as i got older i realized just how false that sense of relief really was. it was so not worth it. i have over 30 scars on my arms alone and tho they fade its still a constant reminder of how lost i was.in order to stop cutting figure who you r. find a smarter outlet cuz in the end ur only holding yourself back
- kendria

Monday, Oct 26, 2009 - 3:04:06 AM
About 2 or 3 months ago i started cutting. I mean i know its stupid but i thought it would help with the pain and it did for that second then i didnt feel any better. My friends saw the scars and they helped me stop. I havent done it since then and hopefully i wont again becauses those of you who do, its stupid and really doesnt help with anything at all. Im glad i stopped when i did because it felt like i had to do it everytime something went wrong.
- vikki

Monday, Oct 26, 2009 - 2:02:39 AM
Well as a self cutter I can tell you that many that cut don't think about what will happen later or what can go wrong..I know i didn't.But I tell u this..most"cutters" don't cut to die but to feel pain,to give them self's a reason to cry.To make sure whats happening to us is real and not just a dream.I'm not saying that cutting is wrong but I'm not saying that It's right all I'm saying is that everyone has a way to deal with our problems..and some of us cut..
- Neko

Monday, Oct 26, 2009 - 2:02:13 AM
I started 2 cut myself when i was 13 & i am 16 now. I stopped last year but there are times when i still have the urge 2 cut myself again but i try very hard not 2 & end up crying & feeling depressed. Sometimes crying helps me, I also trying writing down what i am feeling or yelling or hitting the walls. The only reason i stopped cutting myself is because i knew that it hurt my family but most of all my mom. My boyfriend use 2 cut his self 2 but his mom sent him 2 a mental hospital 4 a couple of weeks & he stopped doing it. He is also why i stopped cutting myself because he kind of threatened me & told me that if i cut myself again he would cut him self 10 times worse & i don't want him 2 do that. But there are times when i feel like i might slip & do it again. I actually have slipped 1 or 2 times after he told me this. I don't know what 2 do when i start 2 feel emo & wanting 2 cut myself. I feel horrible everytime i see my scars. So do you think you could give me some advice 2 help me?
- Abigail A

Monday, Oct 26, 2009 - 1:57:05 AM
I'm 17, I been cutting myself for 1 yr & 4 months. I run to it every time I get depressed or every time I have a problem, basically when I'm stressed & have a lot on my plate. My boyfriend told me not to do it anymore cause it hurts him. & I promised him I wouldn't anymore. But I still do because I feel that it helps me release my pain. I am addicted to cutting. & my mom saw my scars before & took me to counciling. & now when she see's them she just calls me crazy. My bestfriend thinks its just cause I'm bipolar. I have a lot of scars on my wrist in the same spot. & now I'm starting to cut on my upper arm in the same spot. I really don't know what to do anymore. What do I do?
- Niana

Monday, Oct 26, 2009 - 1:56:39 AM
A few months ago, I was hospitalized for severe depression, self injury, and suicidal ideation. At that time, I was cutting and addicted to it. But I stopped, and I have been cut-free for about 4 months now. There is hope.
- Michael

Monday, Oct 26, 2009 - 1:34:13 AM
i Didn't Feel Badd At First But After Wards i Felt Stupid&Foolishh. --Caseyy; From Texas
- Casey

Monday, Oct 26, 2009 - 1:32:33 AM
ive been cutting for three years, over stupid stuff & i wanna stop, help? what can i do to relive the pain? cry? i dont know, i need your help, please?
- sabrina

Monday, Oct 26, 2009 - 1:01:51 AM
iHave Been Cutting For About 3in a half years now. my mom fond out a few months ago. she was hurt&emtional. iLearnedd It just dont hurt me, it also hurts the people around me that lovee&Care about me.
- CaseyV.

Monday, Oct 26, 2009 - 12:44:07 AM
Hey Dawson, I was reading your blog about consequences of cutting. I use to cut and I understand why kids do it. I started in the summer before 7th grade and stopped about a year or so later. My counselor told me that if I ever get an urge to cut then take a red marker or a piece of ice and rub it up and down my arm. It was extremely hard at first, but it's like a drug like you said it takes time to recover and become "sober".
- Gabi G.

Monday, Oct 26, 2009 - 12:37:19 AM
I was a cutter for five years... from age 15 to age 20. I have only been clean since May 14 of this year. It was so hard for me to quit cutting. I was so disguested by myself. My mom took out her depression and anger on me because she thought I was tough enough to take it. I was her emotional and sometimes physical punching bag. The moment I realized that I couldnt continue the way that I was going was when I lost my temper with my friend and raised my hand to her. I was so caught up in my anger and depression, that when I wasn't able to cut I would get really irritable and I couldnt go to sleep with out cutting. Sometimes I couldn't even get a full nights sleep because I would wake up from a nightmare and have to cut. I used to have at least 2 different blades on me at all times. I would be so nervous when I would go to my dad's house because my little sisters have very little sense of privacy and would go through my purse if I didn't keep an eye on them and many times they almost found my razors. I used to love the scars on my body, they were proof to me that I was able to survive the road I was meant to travel, but now if I ever find that I'm able get close to another person, I won't know what to do. I find my scars the worst kind of shame and that makes me want to cut all over again. Its a nasty cycle that I try very hard to stay away from every day. Its a struggle but I feel every firmly that if I hadn't found a way to quit I would very likely have not seen my very recent 21 birthday.
- Traci

Monday, Oct 26, 2009 - 12:35:24 AM
ive cut for a few months.i can stop midley but its hard to because i see the reason i do it almost everyday..ive tried to talk to people but it doesnt help..what do i do?i need help...
- colleen

Monday, Oct 26, 2009 - 12:04:33 AM
I'm 17 and I started cutting since I was 13 and I'm still trying not to cut last time i had cut myself was june of 2009, but it wasnt pretty, I still fight the urges but the way I deal with it is by writing in journal or talking to my best friend and boyfriend who are currently helping me through this.
- Natalia

Sunday, Oct 25, 2009 - 11:47:20 PM
I'v Been cutting myself for 4 months now.Im only 12 and yet im addicted to it already.I'v lied to my parents and hide this from them. My friends Are staring to worry about me im really tryingto convince myself to stop but just cant anymore. im starting to go out of control iv alomst hit pressure points , and vain's.I' look at my scars and i cry for hours but i just make more cut's.I regret doin gthis because look at me im only 12. and doing this for a boy i really loved. I have to stay away from my friends to keep me from hurting them to. It not easy to stop and i dont think i can anymore but im not saying its impossible to stop. I will one day look at my self and regret doing this . -Lyssa
- lyssadeluna

Sunday, Oct 25, 2009 - 11:43:51 PM
I knew this boy in school and he got most people to be a cutter. I was not a cutter, however I was loaded with the stress of my work and the temptation of the cutting. I think I should be stronge and scream into a pillow or something because I dont think that I would want to risk my life just because I was tempted by my stress. I think that that is why most people do drugs today. It is sick, wrong, and i just don't want to be adicted to it.
- Aliya

Sunday, Oct 25, 2009 - 11:25:07 PM
I started cutting myself at the age 12. I stopped but not completely in july. I'm 15. The things i've been thru wouldnt be bad but being isolated and crying everynight and hoping that these guys wont bother me makes me feel i have no control. Well i cut myself because i thought that it meant i could control my pain and i loved the high from doing it. The last time i cut my self will have to be about sometime in august. I reasoned to stop cuz i realized that it wasnt worth it to look at my scars in regret and disgust but than agian i do it everynow and than.
- Kassie

Sunday, Oct 25, 2009 - 11:24:39 PM
when i was just 10 years old i started to cut myself. I started to do it a few times a day for 3 years. my family had gone to church every Sunday of my life for as long as i can remember. I never listened when i went, i just ignored everything. One day i was in my room skimming through my radio when i came to 91.3, and i heard the song "cannons" come on and god was speaking to me. he told me that i had great things ahead of me and hurting myself wasn't the way. I was so amazed, that i stopped, even though it was hard. i am now 15 and i am great full for that day and many good things have happened since then. i realized how stupid i was for cutting myself. Just listing to that one song called me to be greater, and now i am. I haven't one scar to remind me of those stupid mistakes i made. And now i go to church every Sunday and listen, and am thankful to god.
- Maggie

Sunday, Oct 25, 2009 - 10:11:34 PM
Ok so Ive cut for 3 or 4 months but not that much...I have maybe 6 scars...they reasons are stupid but I feel good after I cut..but now I'm really depressed and I don't know why. I only cut ocationslly cuz I love my life...what do I do
- Mariah

Sunday, Oct 25, 2009 - 9:23:22 PM
I began cutting twenty-five months ago, and have been "sober" for sixteen. Many people have told me that eight months is not enough time to be addicted, and that I should simply get over it and move on. But it's something I think about every day; not just in temptation to return, but because I'm called into the ministry to bring hope and healing to selfharm. I believe that this is one thing where in order to bring relief, you'd have to have gone through it yourself. I still feel the shame of my scars sometimes, while most cannot see them, I see every one. But they strengthen me, in that shame, to look towards the brighter tomorrow--that hope is real, for all of us.
- Kady

Sunday, Oct 25, 2009 - 9:10:49 PM
I cut for 3 months. I never became addicted. I cut because it was a release. It helped me deal with my pain. I have a very hard life, and i'm not trying to sound like a whiny brat. I have 5 scars left from it. But the scars don't bother me, they remind me of what i did, and i'm not ashamed of it, it was a very dark time when i was cutting but now that i've learned my lesson, i'm done with it. People can become addicted to it, but not everyone does. I never became addicted. you need to stop making people who cut seem like bad guys, you don't realize how hard it is for some people. When you cut, you know how deep your cutting, i cut deep. and i only have 5 scars out of 50 cuts. It is kinda like a high, but it lasts a while, for me it lasts a week. when people find out it's really not that big of a deal, because a lot of people cut, they just don't advertise it like others.
- devin

Sunday, Oct 25, 2009 - 7:38:01 PM
I've been cutting for 2 years, ever since I moved from my hometown that i grew up in. I'm 16 now. I quit for a while because things started to get better, but now i'm just in a haze and i feel dead, so when i cut and i feel the pain and see the blood it reminds me that i'm still alive. I know that i need help but i'm not sure how to get it. My family would freak because they are the type of very religious people that totally disagree with anything like that. So they would tell me just to pray about it, not that praying isn't a bad thing, but in a case like this, i just don't think it will cut it. That's part of my story.
- Aly

Saturday, Oct 24, 2009 - 10:26:29 PM
I just started cutting last night because my brother just died of a cliff fall accident in april 2009 so its still been hard and my other brother wont talk to me and this guy i like has three kids with three different girls but i love him and i haved loved him for 3 years now. i just dont know what to do anymore... =( its killing me
- Mackenzie

Saturday, Oct 24, 2009 - 7:52:51 PM
I used to cut...i used to think it was ok...that as long as i was the only one i was hurting then how could it ever possibly affect my world around me...that was until i lost my best friend since 5th grade because of it, and then i begin to realize i had lost ALOT of people i loved because of it, and i had lost me.though i was psyhically still there mentally and emotionally i was emptier then ever.I had lost my best friend, and was fixing to lose my other best friend...he had told me "me or cutting,i dont think u can stop by yourself." I fanilly choice him...after 4 long years of self - injury....i am now getting close to 30 days cut-free which i know may seem like very little but to me it means my life. the key for me was i needed something physical to feel like i was still alive, that i was ok...so i mark a little pink heart on my calander for ever day i dont cut...and belive it or not it help. help is possible,stopping is realistic, i mean look at me im 18 years old and i did it.i wont say it's easy because it's not but it's possible.Here's a group which helped me want to stop.... TWLOHA (To write love on her arms) i hope this helps... thanks, ali
- ali

Saturday, Oct 24, 2009 - 6:13:22 PM
I cut every now and then! Life is ugh it sucks! I have soo mnay problems u cut ti hurt myself and to keep from hurting others.
- Tiffany

Saturday, Oct 24, 2009 - 2:42:18 PM
The thing is, for most people who self-injure, it doesn't matter how many scars they get. I know I'm this way, in the sense that I never worry about the scars later. I live on my own and I have no friends, so for people like me, it doesn't matter if cutting might hurt someone else in the process or if they might see. If no one cares or you're alone, no one will see the scars. And I hate myself too much to stop for me, so with no one else to stop for, I'm a bad reason.
- Amanda

Saturday, Oct 24, 2009 - 2:53:26 AM
...wow. :)
- Mandy

Saturday, Oct 24, 2009 - 1:56:16 AM
I have been a cutter for 9 years. (since I was 12.) b/c I have always had a low self esteem and my dad wouls always call my worthless and fat ans stuff and I started beliving it so I started to cut! but anyway I am in recovery though thank God! I like that you blog about cutting and SI since it's not talked about that much! But I read your blag and I'm like wow I'm not really like the average cutter! for one I never carried around "tools" I guess I always thought that if I'm going to cut it's going to be in the comfort of my own room or bathroom! and I don't think of my scars as ugly I love my scars! and sometimes I even obess over them! (yes i know that's VERY sick!) but I think they give me charter and make me unique! and I cut on my hip so it's not really that hard to hide them! So to answer your questions, yes I am/was addicted to cutting. I know cutting just cover up the pain. No I don't feel more stupid or worthless the more scars i have I actully feel less worthless and stupid. No Idon't spend large amounts of time hiding my scars since i cut on my hip all I pretty much have to do is put on pants and they are hiden. I am in the process of quitting and I know I can quit it just has to take some time! but I know I can! I also feel like I'm very close to telling my youth pastor about this! but I don't know really! we'll have to see! thanks Dawson for writing your blog and sorry this responce is so long!
- Stasha

Saturday, Oct 24, 2009 - 1:15:08 AM
A million people will ask 'what happened to your arm?' but it will only take one to ask 'why do you do it?' for you to respond honestly. You have no idea how many times i have lied to try and cover up the horrible ugly scars on my wrists. The infamous 'i have a cat' lie just isnt believable anymore when you have over 100 scars and freshly made cuts on your arm. there is no fib you can tell to explain the terrible truth. but you must say anything but the truth because if people found out you were a cutter there would be drama and you would be forced to stop...no cutter would give their method of escape up...most dont even have to think twice on that. so anything...i mean ANYTHING comes out of your mouth as a response to the question of 'what happened to your arm?' but asked why...there will be complete honesty in the answer. Wether it is i dont know why or for the release or for control or even just to see blood there will be honesty and with honesty from within yourself comes the answer to how to quit for good. be honest with yourself all you who self injure, the answer lies deep within and you will never find it with a razor bladeno no matter how deep you cut. Talking, saying why you have so much pain even if you are unsure when and how the pain started-TALK!!!!
- Jacqueline

Friday, Oct 23, 2009 - 11:19:19 PM
im a very big cutter and i cant seem to stop! i only did it three times but it felt good then i felt bad tat i was hurting my self and my friends/family if they found out! plz help i cant quit!
- kayte

Friday, Oct 23, 2009 - 10:20:00 PM
i been cutting for 2 years and i am 13 now.i started because of all the pain i had inside.sometimes i feel like cutting myself just to see the blood.i never go without having a cut on my arm.i don't feel bad after i cut.cutting helps me feel better.
- Alejandra