When Your Best Friend Is Mad At You

One of life’s greatest gifts is having a best friend. If you have one, you are truly blessed. But you no doubt also know how painful it can be when there is conflict between you. Many a friend have spent sleepless nights due to a broken relationship with a best friend.

Sometimes it’s difficult to tell exactly what went wrong—if it’s something hurtful you did without realizing it, or if it’s just a misunderstanding. Maybe someone told a lie about you to try and drive a wedge between the two of you. So…what can you do when your best friend is angry with you?

The more you can feel what your friend is feeling, the better chance you’ll have of fixing your conflict.

Talk It Out
When your best friend is mad at you, the first (and most important!) thing you can do is talk about it. Find a place where it’s quiet and tell your friend how important it is to you that the two of you resolve what’s wrong between you. Ask what he/she is feeling, and give her the chance to truly express everything, whatever she wants. At this point, it’s your job to listen. Really listen. The more you can feel what your friend is feeling, the better chance you’ll have of fixing your conflict.

Jennifer agreed: “The only way to fix what went wrong is by letting your friend say everything that makes them mad. Try to understand why they feel that way. All the effort is worth it.”

Don’t Get Defensive
The worst thing you can do is get defensive, and try to quickly react to what your friend is trying to say. When you hear your friend telling you what she thinks you did wrong, it’s natural to immediately feel like you want to defend yourself. Resist that feeling. Remember, there will be time enough for you to express how you feel as well. Don’t forget—this is your time to listen.

Ask What You Can Do
It may take a while for your friend to express everything she feels. Some people have a much more difficult time talking about their emotions than others. As your friend tells you what she’s feeling, make sure she’s completely finished before you start to talk.

You can start by repeating back to your friend what you heard her say. For instance, “Am I right you’re angry that I was unkind to you? Is that right?” This gives you both the opportunity to make sure each of you heard what the other said.

Finding an agreeable middle ground is a great way to make peace with an angry friend.

The next thing you might want to ask is “What can I do to help mend the relationship?” Many times, your friend will have an idea of what she’d like you to do. At this point, you can decide if you’re willing to do what she thinks would help to resolve the situation. Keep in mind, your hurt friend may have a total unrealistic solution to the problem. Don’t make promises you can’t keep. For example, if she says, “I never want you to talk to my boyfriend again.” Don’t commit to that, for it is totally unrealistic, and unfair.

David said, “Sometimes your friend has completely unrealistic expectations. You can either decide to find a middle ground, or walk away. Most people don’t know when their expectations are unrealistic.” You might find it helpful to say, “I don’t think I can do what you’re asking, but I could do this.” Finding an agreeable middle ground is a great way to make peace with an angry friend.

Be patient, and keep trying to be loving to your friend, even if he or she doesn’t want to respond.

Be Willing To Admit You’re Wrong
If it becomes clear you have done something truly wrong, you need to take responsibility for your actions. It’s easy to think just saying “I’m sorry” is enough. But those words can seem very shallow if you don’t mean them, or if you don’t know why you’re sorry. Are you sorry because you got caught? Or are you sorry because you can see how you hurt your friend? If you are truly sorry about something you did that hurt your friend, you need to apologize, and then prove you will attempt to never do it again. Clearly ask your friend to forgive you. Make sure you hear the words, “I will forgive you” before you assume all is well with your friend. However, your friend may be slow to trust you again, even after you have apologized. She will need to see trustworthy behavior from you over a period of time—this will prove to her you really are sorry.

Give It Time
If your friend doesn’t want to talk about what is making her so mad, you may have to just give it time. Sometimes the only way to resolve a problem is by letting time pass. Be patient, and keep trying to be loving to your friend, even if he or she doesn’t want to respond.

A blogger, Pumpkin, said she and her best friend have been friends for nearly 12 1/2 years. “We have had our ups and downs but we’re still friends. Even the times she tried to pull away and we didn’t talk much, I made a choice to keep on calling her and trying to help find the friendship we once had. Sometimes one friend has to make the effort to be there for the friend even when you’re not sure they really care if you’re friends or not.”

It’s impossible to know exactly why some people hold on to anger and resentment longer than what might seem reasonable. Sometimes all you can do is try your best to seek a resolution—you can’t make anybody else do what they don’t want to do. You might want to read the series of blogs I wrote on forgiveness (#59-65) for help learning how to forgive your friend.

Sometimes friendships grow stronger through the difficult times. Don’t give up on your friend just because you are having difficulties.

Every relationship will hit a speed bump at one time or another. Because your best friend knows you so well, it’s easier for that person to really hurt you. Show your friend you are willing to work through the difficult times of misunderstandings and hurt feelings. Sometimes friendships grow stronger through the difficult times. Don’t give up on your friend just because you are having difficulties. Do all you can to make peace. Remember, a good friend is priceless.

Next week…I’m going to write about How to Socialize, Be Funny and Make Friends. I need your help. Please send me your ideas of how to do this. Thanks!

Friday, Nov 20, 2009 - 1:28:56 AM
I thank you for dizz blog, well what im trying to do iz find da same old friendship i had with my bestfriend. I mean shes a gurl and I'm a guy n sumtimes we have our own little differences but for the past month me and her have been fighting. I just want it to stop, we had a relaionship long time ago. She was da first gurl i ever loved n i cant let er go! i was just wonder too if you could do a blog about love?
- Skater209

Friday, Nov 20, 2009 - 1:27:19 AM
I had a friend that got mad at me for something that I did. I told him that I did something and I didn't want to tell him about it, becuase I knew he would get mad and wouldn't want to talk to me anymore. He promised that he wouldn't get mad and that he would still talk to me, so I told him that I got high one time, but I didn't really like it and I wasn't going to do it again. He was ok at first and said that he wasn't mad, but two days later, he told me that I was turning into a bad person and he didn't want to talk to me anymore. I've tried everything that you metioned in your blog. I tried to talk it out with him, I texted him and messaged him on myspace and told him how important his friendship was to me and that I was sorry for messing up, I asked him what I could do to fix it, and I told him that I'll still be there for him even if he doesn't ever talk to me again. Nothing worked. When I tried to talk to him in person, he just walked off. When I texted him, he never texted back. When I messaged him on myspace, he read the message, but didn't reply. Every day I try to go up to him and say, "hi" just to see if he'll say it back, but when I see him, it makes me want to start crying and I can't bring myself to say anything to him. It's been two months since he got mad at me, and I really want to fix it, but I don't know what else to do.
- Kayla

Friday, Nov 20, 2009 - 12:16:38 AM
How do i keep my cool around my co-workers that think that i'm a snotty brat and don't do anything at work? actually it's the other way around because they stand there and text and complain about their lives and they make me and my friends do all of the work and they leave work way before the shift is over. and i was told by one of my friends that i'm hated by almost all of the older girls at work. how do i deal with this because i've never heard anyone call me this before? i'm under a lot of stress and i would like to know how to cope with this. thanks for your time.
- Kayla & Brianna

Thursday, Nov 19, 2009 - 1:43:48 PM
hey dawson you should write a blog about ow to accept some one who as a attention deficit dirsorders or something in that spectrum. i have a.d.d and i cope with it well but most people make fun of me if i do something abnormal
- jeff d.

Thursday, Nov 19, 2009 - 12:58:27 AM
Hey Dawson. This is completly off topic, but i rally need your help. Latly ive been really distant. Emotionally. Its like im here physically, but not mentally. Can you make a blog about feeling distant and depressed??? please? i really need your help.
- Distant

Thursday, Nov 19, 2009 - 12:01:09 AM
im having trouble with lovge please write a blog about LOVE?
- jonathan

Tuesday, Nov 17, 2009 - 11:09:17 PM
Hey Dawson. how are you? Im ok. Well im 17 in having friends is very important to me because i lost both of my parents earlier in my life i am a good friend,well the best i can be. can you write another blog on love
- adam bishop

Tuesday, Nov 17, 2009 - 1:06:28 PM
This helped a lot. Me and my best friend are way beyond friends were like sisters. Shes the person there for me when I cry and Im there for her when she does. We get not in fights but like i dont know what you would call them. She tries to push me away so she doesnt have to tell me something, which never ends up working cuz I am very stubborn! but you just have to give it time and not expect immediate results.
-

Monday, Nov 16, 2009 - 7:33:40 PM
Hey Dawson. How are you? I can be better. My best friend & I are in a fight over weed. She turned into this pot head and I'm telling her how its not a good thing to do, and how I miss the way we used to be. She just won't listen. She thinks that I can't understand the fact that she is ''growing up''. What should I do? Please help me. Thank you, and I love your show. It has changed my life soo much, just listening to it.
- Selma

Saturday, Nov 14, 2009 - 10:02:06 PM
Hi Dawson, is it the same thing when its a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship??? It feels as if were best friends with benefits to be honest. But he wont even talk or look at me. Please help my cry of plee! - Renesmee

Saturday, Nov 14, 2009 - 11:41:46 AM
Hey Dawson, I don't know if you remember me or not, but I'm the girl from Winchester Kentucky, you know, from Wildcat Country! Anyway, I took your advice, and i'm currently reaching out for help on forgiveness, and on how to mend a brokenheart; and it's working:) Even though, my best friend has decided to cut all ties with me, and move on. The help that i'm getting from my family, and some books i'm reading allow me to forgive her, and release my anger. Thank You for everything Dawson. Take Care! Vicky
- Vicky H.

Saturday, Nov 14, 2009 - 2:00:41 AM
Hey Dawson. Ive tryed every one of your steps and did everything you said, but Roselie wont speak, let alone even look at me. its benn a month and nothings happening. The only thing she said was " You F***ed up for the last time" i asked what i did, and i even went back in my memory to think of what i could have done without relizing it. We've been friends since we were toddlers, now were juniors in high school. I'm getting really depressed and and dont Know what to do! is it over Dawson? Did i really mess up so badly as to ruin my whole reason to life? Guess i did didn't I? :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( help me please.
- Alice

Friday, Nov 13, 2009 - 11:52:20 PM
i FiGHT WiTH MY BEST FRiENDS AL0T... BUT i AM S0 BLESSED THAT WE CAN GO A WEEK WiTH0UT TALKiNG T0 EACH 0THER AND WHEN WE SEE EACH OTHER iTS LiKE N0THING EVER HAPPENED...i HAVE N0 iDEA WHY WE D0 THAT... BUT i GUESS iTS BECAUSE WE HAVE A STR0NG FRiENDSHiP..AND iM VERY LUCKY TO HAVE HER SHE iS MY SH0ULDER TO CRY AND A HAND T0 H0LD iN THE DARK...i LOVE Y0U S0 MUCH Y0UR LiKE THE SiSTER i NEVER HAD AND i H0PE YOU FEEL THE SAME WAY AB0UT ME :)
- Chelsea